Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving 2011

I have so much to be thankful for every single day. I have a great job. A beautiful home. A generous and loving husband who is also handsome and smart and funny. And more importantly, a wonderful father to the best boys a girl could have. I am laying in bed watching a Law & Order rerun while the boys watch Dinosaur Train. I'm a bit dizzy from the pain meds....because I had my boobs removed on Monday.

Well. Not technically removed. But it feels like it. I mean, I've been large chested since junior high and so to have nipples that are smaller than a dinner plate, and that point out and not down is just going to take me awhile to get used to. And the size, oh, the size. That may be the biggest adjustment of them all, because when the nurse in the hospital asked me what I thought of my post-op bra, all I could think is that it looked empty. I've never had an empty bra before. So, I'm having a big of post-operative remorse, but I'm sure I'll be pleased as punch in 6 months or so. Seriously, I could buy training bras at Justice now. Although they tell me I'm a 'C' I guess I had no idea how small that would be.

I'm trying to wein myself off the pain meds. I'm down to half a pill every 6 hours. But this afternoon I plan to move on to plain old Tylenol. These narcotics make me so sleepy! Which is fine at night, because I have to sleep sitting up for two weeks and so can use the help. But not fun during the day when I can't even finish a commercial without snoozing.

My DH and I prepared Thanksgiving dinner which is in the oven right now, and on the stove, and in the fridge. It seriously took like 20 minutes to get everything prepapred. I don't get what the big deal is....but then again, I'm only cooking for 4. I was definitely motivated by my grandmother's mashed potatoes. If that's all I eat today, I will be just fine.

My brother and his family will be here for a few hours tomorrow. I'm excited for my boys to get to play with their cousins. And I'm excited for my me to see my family for a little while. They've never been to any of our homes. In all these years. So, it means a lot that they're coming over while they're in town visiting my SIL's brother's in-laws.

I don't really have anything else going on. No word on whether or not we'll be moving to KC. Should know in the next few weeks, I suppose. Will be interesting to go back to work and try to function when I can't lift my arms above my head. And hoping that no one will notice that I am now completely flat chested. I'll be fine. Really, I will. But I can't lie to you. It's really flat. And although I wanted this, and I still think I want it, I've already teased my husband that next I'm getting implants! :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

About That....

About that post I wrote a week or so ago where I drove everyone nuts worrying about all the "what ifs" surround my boss possibly moving to Colorado and me not being able to go with him????


Well.....they offered him a chance on Friday and he turned them down.

And they immediately offered me a chance to go to Missouri for another job.

That's right. The owner of my company flew down to have lunch with my boss, and then with me, to let us throw our hats in the ring for promotions.

The owner and VP of Ops are acting like I'm already in Kansas City. The VP actually asked me who I was going to tell on my current staff....to which I said, I thought I would wait until they actually made an offer.

It's all very complex and a lot of dominoes are involved, and yes, the VP and owner would pick me. That was plan 18 months ago when I accepted this job - that it would be good training ground to go run our company in KC. And I remember the owner saying the exact words that helped me decide to take the job ... "I don't think 3 years would be too long to train before running KC." But there is another interested party, who already lives there, who is very good, and who is just as likely to get the job. The job starts 1/1/13. We would need to sell the house we just bought 6 months ago, which would cost us a fortune. But my boss tells me "if you get the chance, you'd better take it." I assume the money we lose on the house would be regained the first year in salary alone.

They will continue these flights around to the various divisions for the next few weeks, and hope to have a plan in place by January. So, for now, they know I'm interested. And my boss knows its a possiblity that I'll go. And we wait. Lucky for me, my backup plan should they not offer me the job is pretty stellar. I get to stay here with my wonderful boss, job, home, and life in Texas. Its win-win.

So, the VP job goes to one of two people. If A. takes that job, then S. takes A's job. And I could have S's job. If A does not take the VP job, then S takes the VP job, and I could still have S's job.
Or they could give it to T.

I'm trying not to think about it. 15 days from now I'm getting my breast reduction. And then my family will be here for Thanksgiving. We'll go to Kansas for Christmas, Indiana for New Year's. Its a busy few months.

And after that, everything will be normal or everything will be completely different.

Wish us luck!

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Winds they are a Changing

I am Type A. Yes, I underwent a totally unpredictable, out of (my) control situation with IF, IUI, and IVF. And a mother of twins! Oy vay!

But in this, I felt in control in a lot of ways. I could take my shots on time, and not miss a single dose. I could feed the boys every 2 hours, per the pediatrician's instructions, I can feed them organic food. I can control so many aspects of things even when they're out of control. That's how I deal. I control. That's what I do.

I wrote last about my fears that my boss would leave our division, leave Texas, leave me. I am still struggling with this. Sometimes when I share things in my blog, or talk about them with my husband, the catharsis provides relief, like I'm finally confronting some truth I've been avoiding. But with this fear of the future of my career, talking about it here and with DH has not helped. If anything, it has elevated my fear and made it more real. I know that discussing it with my boss would make me feel better in the short term, but in the long term, it would not, because showing weakness and admitting my uncertainty would be revealing a weakness I'd rather he not see. Or remember. And then use against me (even if he thought he was doing me a favor) in the future. I hate to commit to a certain path when there are so many variables at this time. So, out of fear, I am trying to figure out the best strategy to have the "right" outcome for me, and to know what it is that I do want, given any number of scenarios. It's a lot like Survivor. We often joke about our "Survivor Mentality" - me, my boss, and other peers in similar positions that are all impacted by each other's moves. I openly strive to form alliances.

So, problem #1 - will we be happy in TX if boss leaves and takes other friend with him (yes, in 18 months, I know, perhaps melodramatic, but I need control, remember?)....so, I've been making attempts to make friends. For example, we went to the Fall Festival at the boys' pre school on Friday night and I finally introduced myself to the dad who drops off his daughter at the same time as me every morning, and his wife, and my DH. Jay and Amy. Parents of L. Nice enough. But so freaking awkward to be making friends at 34. Seems desparate. Still can't bring myself to make friends with the unattractive parents at the Play Place at the mall - even though our boys were only one of 3 sets of twins there on Sunday. And obviously I'd have things in common with parents of two-year-old twins. But they didn't look like us. Okay. Perhaps my standards are too high. I've always had acquaintances I could take or leave and just a few close BFFs. So, anyway, working on that problem.

And problem #2 - forming an alliance with my co-manager at work who I do not trust just in case I do have to one day work for him, or he one day works for me. He's just hard to read and I tend to think he has an agenda. DH has suggested I work to figure out what his agenda is. Does this make any more of you want to puke? I. h.a.t.e. political crap. Just be honest. And direct. I can't stand the thought of playing fake or nice or anything else. Just spell it out already.

Not sure which of these two is harder for me. I have wonderful, fabulous friends who I treasure, but they just don't live very close to me. I don't want to have to make new friends. I don't want to put myself out there. It feels like dating. Boo!

Monday, October 17, 2011

October 17, 2011

So, yesterday, I was taking the boys for a walk. We had just gotten back into our neighborhood and we saw a cute little toddler moseying around his yard with his daddy, and I was coaxing the boys to say "hiiiiiii" to their little neighbor and thought to myself.....its really totally completely inappropriate that I have 'Hits from the Bong' on my ipod right now" and chuckled to myself as I then continued to point out to the boys that their friend was wearing a hat, and shoes, etc. etc. etc.

Today, my precious little Will received yet another "oh no" report at school. Apparently, after nap time, he was biting his teachers and when they told him to stop, he laughed at them and bit them again! Thankfully, one of the teachers recognizes that he's two and he's just looking for attention. But still, these things, they give me stress. He woke up crying this morning, which I don't belive he's done since he was an infant, and so he had a rough start to his day. And he went straight to bed without getting up once, so I'm confident he was exhausted for whatever reason after his Monday at school. I'm saving the "oh no" report for later. I hope we can look back at it and laugh some day about how strong his spirit was, even at two.

My fabulous breast reduction surgery has been approved by insurance, and is scheduled for November 21st. Wahoo!!!! I'd post pictures, but, you know, yuck. Maybe if my stomach was flatter :)

I'm nervous that my boss may be taken away from me and I will be left to run this company that he promised to run with me as we "grow old together" not 18 months ago. His soon-could-be boss keeps sending him pictures of the view of the mountains outside his office in Golden, CO and it would be a huge opportunity for my boss, and by that time, this guy would be my boss's boss, and my boss, as I would then have my current boss's job. Does that make any sense? And so its in my head. And sucky. Unless this other guy gets this one job and then maybe I would get my dream job and get to be the boss closer to my family (please, please please). Anyway, stuck in my head on this right now, but it won't even happen until April of 2013 so I can't really lose sleep over it, but I probably will. And its all out of my control. I just don't know if I want to live here and do this job without my boss. My husband plays golf with my boss and another co-worker (who followed my boss here to TX so would surely follow him to CO) and so we'd have like zero friends if they both left. I mean, I'd get my dream job, but I'd be all alone. First woman President in my company and all that. But its not the division I'd ultimately like to run. And its all conjecture. And really, I would love to follow my boss to CO, but there's no way they'd let both of us go. One of has to stay. Keep calm and carry on. And all that. {sigh}

I've been trying to eat healthier. But then I tried two, count em two, Pioneer Woman recipes in the last two days. Okay. The cinnamon rolls are a repeat. And really, not for us, but for my employees. But the egg in the hole, that was all me. And my husband. Oh the butter! Dreadful!

I probably won't post again for awhile, so I should share that I celebrated my 10th anniversary of employment with my company last week, and that my husband and I will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary on Wednesday. Definitely need to start budgeting for a big to-do for next year - we're both thinking TRIP! We're having dinner Saturday night at a restaurant downtown that's somehow in the middle of traffic and you have to take an elevator to get there. I'm sure its not as clandestine as that sounds, but it will still be pretty cool, and thus worthy of a special occasion.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Stay at Home (with sick child) Mom


Will had some loose bowels at school. I guess their rule is 4 in one day means you have to take the next day off. So, I have been home with Will since yesterday around 2pm. He's not really sick. He has a post nasal drip that caused him to have the runs. So, he doesn't have a fever. Isn't throwing up. Behaves happy and normal. And so I've been pretending I'm a stay at home mom.

Here is what my version of a SAHM does.

1) we got groceries and ran other errands that I have been having a hard time getting done. I normally insist on doing these things ALONE. But Will was well behaved and actually a good shopping buddy, which is definitely not the case when I've got BOTH of them with me.

2) we went to story time at the library. Will sat on my lap and seemed to enjoy watching the librarians. I thought he might get crazy with the dancing and singing, but he was actually quiet and preferred to sit in my lap. I hope we can go again.

3) we cleaned the kitchen floor and did a couple loads of laundry. Because the floor was long overdue {isn't 24 hours long overdue at your house, too?!} and the laundry had piled up while we were gone this weekend.

4) we played. Play Doh. Puzzles. Golf.

5) we went to the play place at the mall. Where I chatted with other mothers. Which is something that is impossible when I've got to keep my eye on two moving targets. There was another mother of twins there, and she asked how I got away with just one today. I lied and said Will had a dentist appointment. Lest she shun me for bringing my poopy baby to the mall. {yes, i'm a sinner}

All in all, I would say that Will makes an excellent only child and even though I would never in a million years want to be a SAHM, its nice every once in awhile to have this quality time with him. He has not asked for his brother once. And he really isn't super needy with my attention. He's kind of content to be home with me and doing our thing. When he wakes up from his nap, I think we'll walk to our neighborhood playground, which is the second to last item on my SAHM agenda - right above finger painting.

Now, if I could only spend my vacation days doing what "I" want to do, then this list would look entirely different. But given the fact that as a parent, your own needs come dead friggin last, we may never get to see that list. {tear} Let's just say it involves fattening food, reality television, blankets and books.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Firm Express 4 day kick start

Please forgive any typos in this pose....I left my laptop at the office so I'm posting via my crappy phone...

So...with my 2nd body scan clear (sigh) and a week of thyroid replacement under my belt, I decided it was time to reverse the weight gain. Actually, I had already taken off 4 of the 9 pounds I gained when my metabolism was el zilcho. So, today, I have eaten what they call "anti-inflammatory" which apparently means no sugar, white carbs, bad fats or artificial sweeteners. And no caffeine! But I have done about 3 workout videos and eaten more fruits and vegetables than I normally have in more than a week. I'm hungry but not starving. So, not too shabby for day 1. I'm going to a wedding in Wichita next Friday so I want to look my best for that. And its time. I have mentally committed to giving their program a full 30 days ... So wish me luck!

Had my consult with the plastic surgeon this week. Now we just need to get my "reduction" approved by insurance. If not, I will want to wait until I get my bonus next summer. So....hoping insurance will cover a very long overdue resizing of my chest. Really liked the surgeon. And her staff. And I definitely don't want to wait any longer. Why get a boob job when I'm older if I could enjoy life better today? What if there isn't a later? I deserve to have a normal sized, evenly proportioned chest. Wearing two sports bras and still having my boobs flop out of them doing the workouts today just solidified my position. Its on!

Took the boys to the aquarium today where they were wild. Wore themselves out to where they took a full 3 hour nap. I don't remember the last time they slept that long! I napped too while my DH hit some golf balls. Day 1 of this holiday weekend was about as good as it gets around here....except that little Will keeps getting out of his big boy bed and slamming his door. I may have to go lay on his floor for awhile...again.

Haircuts tomorrow and my DH is playing golf with my boss on Monday. Otherwise I'll be focused on the menu on the fridge and the workout DVDs in the laptop doing everything I can to look my very best next weekend. Its nice to have something to dress up for, even if I've worn the dress before and I know I'll wake at 6am to a scream of "juice!!!"

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Cancer Free 2.0

Had my scan on Friday. Unofficially, my second clean scan in a row. Just about 3 years from the day my tumor was spotted across the room by my OB. Just about. I've been obsessed with this goal of two clear scans for so long now, that I honestly don't know what comes next. I think its just blood tests and no scans. Which is nice because I can take my medication and eat what I want and just go in for blood tests which are nothing (um, yeah, because I'm an IF survivor, blood work doesn't bother me).

On Friday I was relieved while everyone else thought I should celebrate. Happy just isn't the appropriate emotion. Guess I'm not ready to let me guard down on that one yet. But I was highly emotional and weepy. And relieved. Like a huge weight had been lifted that isn't always there, but is definitely nagging at the back of my psyche at least during the weeks leading up to the scan and really always in the background, especially now that I won't have actual photos to rely on.

I don't want to compare it to IF. It's totally different, but I will tell you this. It's like taking a pregnancy test and hearing you're pregnant. That's my bloodwork. And then there's your sonograms. And that's the scan. So, I think, nay, I'm afraid, that I'm going to have to rely on no sonogram FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. And I may have to get all IF crazy on my endo until he gives me the scans, just like my OB gave in and gave me all those sonos after I went to the ER every time I peed my pants. Ahh, the memories.

In other news, I am so tired I am almost delirious. Why can I never have just one thing going on at once? We moved my office into the building I've been working on for the past year yesterday. I have worked and lost sleep every night I can remember as far back as I can remember. And now, yes, now, this week, my son decides to start climbing over his baby gate. Please pray with me that he will not wake up in the night and then use his skills to unlock and walk out the front door. Which he can unlock the dead bolt, but there is a baby proofing device that prevents him from turning the handle, but I have seen him pry that plastic job off before. Everyone tells me he'll come to our room at night. Please pray this with me. If I wake up with him in my bed for every night until he turns, um, say, 18, that will be just fine with me as long as he never once goes outside unattended. Ok. Maybe not 18. 16? Too much?

And also, love this blog, love this post, had to share it HERE.

Nighty Night for you. Sleeping on the tile outside a 2-yr-olds' room for me :/

Monday, August 15, 2011

Flipping Out

I'm trying to keep my inner Angie-screams-alotti {ala Jeff Lewis} under wraps for the next two weeks. Thank God for my husband who is running daddy evening daycare while I hang in our bedroom and review the same to-do list seventeen times. Every solution seems to lead to another problem. Not exactly panicking but definitely feeling the last minute stress of my work moving to our new building. Which is {gorg} by the way!

Can you tell I'm watching the Kardashians?????

Right now the major stressor is every detail for which I must depend on an outside vendor. Uniform guy doesn't return calls or show up or follow up. Furniture sales person doesn't provide information in writing {whuck?} and can't finalize order that is being delivered in SIX DAYS. Pressure washer person tells us ours came in wrong, tells us there will be a delay, then calls the next day to say that wasn't our machine after all, which they discovered when ours DID arrive. Shop table vendor who miscommunicated with his vendor and tables will be late by as much as two weeks. Sink on backorder. Verizon phone installers on strike. And movers who showed up TWO WEEKS EARLY!

I handle all of these in stride, but when I start adding them up, well, I just am amazed at the incompetency of all these companies. And at times like these, we're only as good as our suppliers. Hmmmmm. It's not so bad. Nothing we can't or haven't formed contingency plans for, but, it gets old. Sometimes it would be nice to just have some {simple} in our life.

Anyway, I've been off my thyroid replacement for the third day in a row today. My metabolism has slowed down...which is evidenced by the consti and the weight gain {already} {sigh} and general achiness and brain drain. And perhaps my filter is gone, too?

I kinda snapped at my boss today. Big misunderstanding. Normally handle it better. I don't think he had any idea how close I came to losing it. I can feel myself being short with my employees. Who I normally would tease more and berate less. Not a lot of patience for their impatience when I'm spread so thin right now. Um, it takes you two more key strokes, so just deal for a day. Or.....the blank stare I gave a guy today who asked me to input three orders for him. I know. He's busy packing for the move. But ... oh well ... it was just easier to input his orders than rip him a new one.

Big news! Staycation begins Thursday at 9am. Which rocks. Except I have to leave to go test phone lines b/c our IT director has lost faith in the phone providers and its kind of a big deal that our phones work when we move. And I cannot find a sitter to save my life. Local lady who I love who hooks people up with sitters, not returning my emails. I think I'm getting spam filtered. So, now we're on to plan B - called the hotel and asked for who they use. Called them tonight. Seriously. There is no recession. Only people who aren't very good at taking care of business.

Sorry this has gotten so snarky. Bad mood, ya think?!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Asymmetrial What?

Nap Time @ mi casa.

Watching Jersey Shore in Italy.

Ate some leftover OTB (On the Border).

Drinking a Coke Zero.

Surfing the web for great salad recipes.

Checking in with the blog.

So, I haven't been freaking out about not drinking. I went a few weeks without drinking, then had a half a drink one night at a work outing. It didn't taste good and our waitress sucked so I didn't even get a chance to order something I did like.

I've had a few beers and glasses of wine at home. But not more than 2 a night. Not analyzing it, but also kind of keeping an eye on myself, just conscious of my drinking.

**

I have been losing weight. Kind of. Like .3 pounds per week or something similar to that. I think its my thyroid meds. I am getting ready for a body scan on 8/26. So, I'm off the Synthroid and on a med with a shorter half-life, Cytomel, and I have more energy, I have some other health benefits that are embarrassing to describe...just maybe we could say ... in the regularity department ... and I have more energy. I don't need to eat as much to feel full. And so I don't really feel deprived and so I'm losing a little weight. Not dramatic, but my pants are loser and I can wear clothes that I haven't warn in awhile. Fun. Would like to stay on it. Need to call my endo and see if he will let me.

The downside is I have to go off ALL meds on 8/12 and will be crazy, loopy off-her-thyroid-meds girl at quite possibly, once again, the most inconvenient time. You may recall the radiation treatment of 2010 wherein I was off my meds while packing up my house and leaving my job to move my family to Dallas where my husband did not have a job. Yes, its kind of like that again.

The company I work for, we have stores. And for the past year or so we have been BUILDING a new store. And we will be MOVING to our new store on 8/26. The day AFTER my body scan when I will have been off my meds for two weeks. And I will have to miss a couple half days of work to take blood tests, take low-dose radiation, get the scan, etc.

I also have a consultation that week with a plastic surgeon for a breast reduction. So tired of looking ridiculous in a swimsuit with my asymmetrical mess of a chest. Tired of having clothes fit my fat tummy but not over my big lopsided chest.

Busy week. Moving all of our building possessions, coordinating outside vendors and our employees, and lots of responsibility and at my best, I will feel like I'm suffering from a severe head cold.

{lovely}

**

The boys are way fun. Especially at this minute, cuz they're napping :) But seriously, they say funny things and carry themselves in funny ways. I have had to dissuade their interest in all things Thomas, because I can't stand that show. Their vocab expands faster than I can keep up. Although their favorite word is still 'no'

DH and I have a date planned for tonight. Groupon at a local restaurant and the boys will go to the drop in daycare, then a movie on the Tivo from Amazon. {sigh}

Later this month, we have a "staycation" planned with my boss and another co-worker and our families. I've been obssessed with getting a swimsuit that is flattering on my tummy and stretch marks {yikes!} and also supports the chest without making it pop out and scare my friends' children. Finally got one off the internet, but its a little big {i know, how can you buy a swimsuit on the internet? well, I just know the brand, I guess}

Am I seriously rambling on and on about swimsuits?! Let's just say I've got a lot going on and instead of worrying about movers and forklifts and furniture and vending machines and fuel tanks, I choose to spend my time surfing the internet for swimsuits, cover ups, and other items that support my vanity!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Last Friday Night

I was able to sleep last night from about 9:30pm until about 5am. Hallelujah!!!!

I still don't want to drink, but I am finding a way to laugh at myself. Which is a sign the neurosis is fading {for now anyway}.

I'm sure this is terribly sad and this guy had family and will be dearly missed etc etc etc but at least I'm not THIS GUY.

And I know that others have been here before. Not just because of your kind posts but because of this fun song which for now contains the Best.Lyrics.Ever.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Neurotic

Again last night, I couldn't sleep.

Driving across town this morning, telling my boss how I haven't been able to sleep since Friday night and how I may never.drink.again, he says to me "What's that word you always use for L (mutual friend)?" And I say, "Neurotic?" He says, "Yes, that's it. Neurotic." And continues, "I didn't think anything was THAT bad." To which I reply, "I was asleep. In front of your kids! At like 7pm!" He replies, "So! I do that like every night."

Difference being he collapses after getting up at 4:30am to run or lift weights and then working 12+ hours - throwing his entire self into our company and then our family. Not after drinking to excess.

But it made me feel better. And he is amazing. I would say ...for him to always be so gracious, so merciful and non-judgemental of me and others in our circle of friends. But maybe I really wasn't that bad. Maybe I slid by this time. So, I pointed out that same thing, and added that the part that really worries me is only remembering parts of the evening, and not knowing if I owe anyone an apology and if so, who, and for what.

So for the record, neurotic means a state of being afflicted with a neurosis or a person who tends to be emotionally unstable or unusually anxious. Definitely since Friday night I have been neurotic. Not sleeping. Relentless negative self talk. Obsessive.Compulsive.Anxiety about what bridges may have been burned that night, what consequences I could face if it happens again or T had not been there to drive me home. Over and Over and Over and Over. And over.

So last night I tossed and turned out on the couch reading and staring into the dark until I finally drifted off sometime after 2:30am. And my son Will woke up at 5am. I was in the shower by 5:30. I'm hoping that the <=3 hours of sleep last night will force me to sleep tonight!

And with a return to normal sleep patterns, then a return to just.moving.on. I think that's why I like the idea of abstaining from alcohol for awhile or forever. It would be final, so I could just put it all behind me. If anything, I would love to just put this behind me and never think of it again. Never again face 3 days of this punch to the gut.

So...is my real problem that I passed out after a few drinks? Or that I'm blowing it out of proportion when everyone else around me thinks it was no big deal? Or that I'm suffering insomnia? Or am I starting to come down with a wee little bout of depression? WTF is going on?

In other news, the boys are amazing fun right now. Amazing horrible to take to a friend's house for dinner, but crazy fun in a controlled environment. We're in the midst of potty training, despite my best intentions to put it off a couple more months until I think the boys are ready. Daycare is requesting pull ups. Will had dry diapers and peed in the potty all day yesterday. Jack scared himself by pooping in the potty at home last night and cried cried cried until it was all cleaned up and then finally was proud of his accomplishment. And I was proud of myself for not vomiting in front of him because it was a nasty, liquid corny poo that was definitely gross. And while I'm trying to console him, his brother is sticking his nose down in the potty chair to investigate. Ewww!

Their vocabularies are ever expanding. DH and I thoroughly enjoy sharing their accomplishments with each other. Yesterday, he was amazed they knew an "umbrella" in its folded up closed state. Last week, Jack shocked me with the word "shoulder" And last night Jack, upset that I was singing out loud, held my face in his hands and said, "No momma! Time out!" Yes, my two-year-old put me in a time out. And he can count from 5 to 10. Not 1 to 5, but definitely 5 to 10. And they both love to sing "Phenomenon Do do do do do do. Phenomenon Do do do do .... ala the muppets which they've never seen but I sing to them in the car.

Life is good. Maybe I'm just afraid of throwing it all away.

Monday, July 11, 2011

That Girl

Dr. Drew the host of Celebrity Rehab would say that I'm an alcoholic. I think. On one episode, I remember him saying that you have an addiction if you have ever suffered consequences, not just whether or not you are "addicted" to it or crave it or can't control it etc etc etc to all those things you think of when you think of an addict.

But I do sometimes suffer consequences from drinking. Aside from hangovers (only with the hard stuff), throwing up (in college), and saying things I regret (always) I have fallen down and skinned my knee (in front of my mother - wince) wrecked my car (just a few months before I got pregnant with the boys) and just never.been.caught. And I don't remember it happening. Just woke up the next morning to destroyed front and back bumpers. Its embarrassing to admit this here. But I have to get this off my chest.

This past Friday night, I met my boss and a friend visiting from out of town at our job site. I had three beers in 90 minutes (and so did they) and then drove home to where I picked up my husband (boys' daycare was hosting their monthly parents'night out) and took him to my boss's house for a dinner party. From there, I remember taking a tour, admiring the food and being handed a white sangria. I remember bits and pieces of the next few hours. My husband drove us home, so the boys were never in danger. Whew! But I fell asleep on my boss's couch. With like 10 friends around. Colleagues from work. Their spouses. Their children. I freaking fell asleep!

I was not naked. I didn't throw up. I didn't offend anyone or talk dirty. But I blacked out.

I have apologized to my boss and his wife and they were both super cool about it. My boss's wife just said "I've never seen you like that before" and laughed. We've known each other for almost 10 years. But I know its not cool. I know thats not the person I want to be. And I have been obsessed with it since that night. In fact, although I'm sure I was safely in bed by 10:30 that night, I woke up at 2:30 and could not go back to sleep. I have barely slept every night since then. It felt better to talk to them today. It feels good to get it off my chest here. Okay, maybe not good. But somehow like I can let go of all the negative self talk. And the self hatred. All the worry that THIS is going to be the thing that takes away this wonderful life that I have.

I do not drink every day. I do not get drunk every time I drink. I can have one drink and stop. And not really think about it. I can have two drinks and just be done. Somewhere after two drinks things get a little hazy.

I say the wrong things when I'm sober, so I'm afraid of the things - mean, spiteful things - that may come out of my mouth when I'm drunk.

Friday night, I was drinking on an empty stomach while I had my period and while taking some bronchitis medication. All a bad combination. And I could blame it on that random combination. But I've drank on an empty stomach before. I've blacked out before. I've done this before. Maybe not in front of these people, or in this same exact way. But I have been in this place where the next day I don't remember what I said, or how I got home. It was tacky when I was 22. And its pathetic at 34.

I don't even like to be drunk. It's never my intention. I prefer to be in control at all times. But every once in awhile. Every 20th time I drink, or maybe every 50th, there's no rhyme or reason. Every once in awhile it doesn't go well. I haven't killed anyone. I haven't completely ruined any friendships. But I have put myself in a position that I don't like. Been a person I do not want to be.

I don't know if I will ever drink again. My husband thinks I'm being a little extreme. Maybe I will have a one-drink limit. But even the thought of that scares me. I guess what Friday night did was scare me. It took me back to the place of before the boys were born when I wrecked my car. Like I've been granted a wake-up call. And its something I really need to pay attention to.

So, this is scary. I'm about to hit "publish post" and its scarier than the time I posted my weight (still hovering around 180 despite exercise and Lean Cuisine, BTW). I think this is a very scary thing to post on a blog that could somehow be tied to me in real life. To admit this weakness. To let my guard down. But I wanted to share it here. For those of you who are still reading.

I'm afraid to ever drink again. Because it may be fine. I may have just one. Or I could have just one too many. And I don't want to be that girl.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Over or Under ... Can you Guess Which One I Am?????

I hope that if you click on this image, it WILL be bigger. Otherwise, you just.won't.get.this :(



Sunday, June 5, 2011

Alive and Will

Will had his hydrocele repair on Friday. During explorator surgery on his right side they discovered a hernia. I was once again overhwelmed by the kindness and complimentary nature of our surgeon and his staff. They marveled over Will and his eyes, and his hair, and his patience during this ordeal.

Here is a shot of Daddy and Will in pre-op:

Will woke up very agitated and concerned about the thing that kept stats on his toe and the IV in his hand. He could hardly enjoy his popsicle! But has been an absolute trooper since his surgery and is pretty much off his meds since about 5am this morning.



I love that little boy. I prayed for him during surgery. And he came out blowing and going just like his little self. Despite doctors' orders, he did not slow down for one minute due to this little setback. He enjoyed the blow up pool in our back yard. He enjoyed biting his brother, and stealing his fair share of the new toys I bought them while they were napping.


Thank you, God, for blessing me with these two little lives. For the health we all enjoy. And for the life I never thought I'd live. I feel like I'm in some commercial for the 50's, only with updated appliances in my wonderful suburbs. Thank you for this time.



Friday, May 20, 2011

F.A.I.L.

Today was a mess.

I didn't think simply being out of my routine could cause things to go so terribly wrong, but I'm pretty sure it was all caused by stepping out of my routine.

I was planning to get my oil changed in my company car on the way to work, but the place I was taking it didn't open until 8am so I decided to just drop the boys off at preschool before I took my shower, which worked well, except that I must have looked like total a** b/c all the teachers looked at me like I might be drunk. FAIL.

So, I go home and take my shower. Except I used conditioner twice and shampoo never. And then proceeded to use shave cream on my poof instead of shower gel. There were actually a few minutes in the shower where I thought to myself, "Am I having a stroke?" FAIL.

So, I leave the house. Go to Starbucks. Somehow at my Starbucks a grande latte costs MORE than a venti latte. W.T.H.E.DOUBLE.HOCKEY.STICKS? FAIL.

The intersection by Starbucks is under construction and it takes me no.less.than. 4 times through the light routine before its finally my turn. Pick up my dry cleaning which has somehow come back stained. FAIL.

Decide, oh, I don't want to mess with the fancy oil change place, I'll just go to Walmart and then I can return the potty chair the boys don't like and do some of my weekend shopping while I wait. Drive west to Walmart only to find like 10 cars in line and no people in them. FAIL.

Drive East back to where I started (careful to avoid HORRIBLE stoplight) and go to one of the shining stars of my day - Autosplash - where you can sit IN your car while they change your oil. There was no line, and it took like 10 minutes including all the other crap they upsold me while I was sitting there.

Drive into the city for work. Work some. Go to lunch. Decide to try the Jack in the Box Chicken Fajita Pita which was delish, but the line was about 30 minutes beginning to end at the drive thru. Not exaggerating here. I would have driven my car over the curb had it not been a company car, and had the curb not been blocked by a big concrete wall. NOT.WORTH.IT. Fail.

Work for the afternoon. Leave early to beat the rain/Friday traffic. Decide part way home to drive past the Majestic Liquor Store b/c DH had sent me an email that BETHENNY FRANKEL was going to be making an appearance. It took me 30 minutes to drive 4.6 miles due to 5:00 traffic that had nothing to do with her, only to round the corner and disover about 1,000,000 women standing in the rain with umbrellas or carrying out cases of Skinny Girl margaritas. I had no umbrella and I don't even like tequila, so I just drove home. FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.

Forever later I arrived home where I should have just stayed all day. Because sometimes a girl just can't win.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

From That to This

What is THAT???? you ask?



THAT is what DH and used to store our unmentionables in! Yes, we are finally spoiling ourselves and buying actual furniture! Today, the dresser and night tables were delivered.

So, the first thing I did was dump my plastic drawers into my new wood dresser. And then it was so nice, I had to organize it all so it looked like it belonged in there!
SO excited to have bedroom furniture for the first time since .... well, I haven't had drawers since I left my parents house at age 18!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day



Happy Mother's Day to my bloggy friends! From those of you who are mothers in waiting to those who are mommas waiting for your babies to arrive to those of us mommas who are waiting for naptime - hope your day was a good one.


My boys and I had a good weekend. Yesterday was a 2-year old birthday party for Miss Emma. The dudes finally broke the barrier of the jumpy house and actually got inside without scooting their little bottoms out the little mesh door. And they enjoyed themselves. And they took some whacks at a pinata, which was hilarious. Can't wait to see pics!


Today was a mish mash like all weekends. We blew up a small little pool for the boys and enjoyed some time on our back patio. Over an hour of bliss and no fighting over toys, etc. etc. etc. It was a good Mother's Day.


My little bout of depression seems to have passed for now. I suppose I just needed to take more time for myself. Which I'm trying to do every night by walking on the treadmill as long as I want when I get home from work, even if DH and the boys get home shortly thereafter. He can handle it. Its important for me to have that "me" time. I also need to find a way to take off some pounds in a way I can stick with. That doesn't require I make every meal from scratch or that I eliminate chocolate from my life for good. So, I'm working on baby steps.


As I was walking through the mall today (a wonderful treat during naptime, thanks DH!) I remember a few years ago when I would have felt conspicuous at the mall on Mother's Day. I would have been paranoid that everyone around me knew that I didn't have any children and that they would feel sorry for me. And I would have been lonely in that feeling. I'm sure there were others that had a rough day today, and I was with them in those few moments at the mall.


My BFF from high school announced today that she is pregnant. Her first/last pregnancy ended in M/C. Unknown reason. She waited til 4 months to tell anyone because she was so worried worried worried. Poor.Little.Thing. So, I am celebrating this Mother's Day for her, as well. It's just such an emotionally charged day all the way around.

Friday, April 29, 2011

I Deserve to Be Happy

I apologize this is SO late...I wrote it on 4/29! I have had a "java" problem and have decided to go ahead and use another computer to just.get.it.posted.

First, an update on "the little Will" as he is known around our house.

Took him to the surgeon yesterday for his consult and he DOES need surgery for a hydrocele. Google it if you want to know more. I was relieved it wasn't a tumor.

The surgeon was super nice, and I am now paranoid it was because I was crazy on the phone with his referral nurse.

Nurse: Which doctor were you wanting to make an appointment with?

Me: I'm not sure. They just gave me a card with all the doctors and I'm not very happy about it.

Nurse: Well, all of our doctors here are great.

Me: Can you put me with whichever doctor is going to be nicest to the mom?

Etc

Etc

Etc

I started to get suspicious when the surgeon told me how many times he'd done this surgery and reassured me how great a pediatrician I have. I know he's a great pediatrician. He's been rated one of D's best year after year after year and he spotted this fluid like a good doctor should. I just don't think he's a good match for me, because whenever I'm around him I feel insecure and afraid to ask questions, and I'm pretty sure last time I saw him he chastised me for asking my son not to slam the drawer he was working in shut anymore. GRRRRRRR! But I do love the surgeon and perhaps by meeting me he now thinks I'm just crazy overprotective because of our IF (which came up b/c I was concerned little Will may have some lasting side effects from the hydrocele in that area) and not because I'm just the regular kind of crazy.

I must admit. I am kind of crazy. Especially when it comes to my tantrum-throwing, loveable little two year olds :)


***


I was just watching some show earlier - RH of Orange County perhaps? - where the one lady, Tamra, I believe, kept talking about how she deserves to be happy and how hard that is for her to accept. I think that's what I've been going through with our life here in Dallas. I mean, I'm going to make more money this year than I ever dreamed or even hoped I would. It's beyond anything I ever had planned for myself. Don't get all worried. I'm not even in the 6 figures. But I can see 6 figures from here. And its like crazy success. And I love my husband. And despite the minor surgery on little Will's nads and some remissioned cancer on momma, we are healthy. Of course, I'd like to be skinnier and to have a boob job, but really, seriously, our life is beyond what I thought it could be just a few short years ago.


I think what I'm having a hard time with is being happy. With everything and more than I've ever dreamed. And adjusting my expectations and really perception of "happy" to that reality. I'm sorry if you're getting sick of this talk, or if you think I'm repetitive. I'm just really having a hard time articulating what I'm experiencing or moving past the perception of this monumental change. I mean, seriously, my parents gave me such stupid money issues. I have the money in the bank, but I'd rather ... I don't know ... anything ... than pay someone else to do it. Paint my own toenails. Paint my garage door. Mow my grass. And I'd rather have the money in the bank than spend it. And I'd rather worry about keeping that balance high in the bank than enjoy the fact that I have more money on hand than ever.before.in.my.life.


I have money issues. And I will probably continue to explore them here where I feel safe. Because I know its tacky to talk about money, so I don't really feel like I can talk about it with anyone but DH.


***


Part of my deserving to be happy adventure ... I'm getting my hair straightened tomorrow morning. Kertain treatment which is otherwise known as a Brazillian Blowout. My hair is super frizzy here, and I love it straight, but I'm too lazy to flat iron it unless I'm at a hotel or the boys are out with their daddy. So, anyway, this is something that I would normally use as a reward for myself....something that millions of other women just do as a part of their regular beauty regimen. It would normally be a treat for losing 10 pounds or the splurge part of my tax return / or bonus, etc. But instead, as part of living in the now and allowing myself the success I have EARNED through my hard work, I am just, on a regular Saturday morning, taking the time to get my hair straightened, for me. All for me. Not a prize. Not a reward. Not a splurge. Just .... this is my life now. And this is what I want in this moment.


Sounds like crazy talk to me. But I'm going to try to normalize it. Without going crazy and oppulent or something.


See what I mean? Normal but holding back. Can't help it. Crazy.About.Money.


Thanks, Mom! :)

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Lil Bit o Depression

I can feel some depression sinking in. It happens from time to time when all I want to do is lay in bed and EAT. Which is basically all I did during fertility treatments and pregnancy and radiation. So, for a long time, it just looked like fertility treatments, pregnancy and radiation. But I know its mild depression. I know it is.

So, I lay here, in bed, watching a reality show marathon while my husband is in the living room with our two boys. I'm hoping a night off will get me by. I'm hoping I can talk myself out of this. But really, all I want to do is eat and lay in this bed and fast forward through commercials on my Tivo.

But I actually have work to do. To make up. From being off two days last week (friends from MN in town visiting). And for leaving early tomorrow.

At Will's two-year well visit, his pediatrician found some fluid in his left testicle. So....we have our surgical consult tomorrow. I am hoping it is a simple hydrocele and that a simple outpatient procedure will cure it. Please pray for good things tomorrow afternoon.

In other news, Will has become a terror of a two year old. Tonight, he is a dream - sweet and funny and interacting with everyone well except for when he threw his plate on the floor at dinner. But this morning, he stood outside our bedroom door behind which was my showering husband and screamed "mommy" (because that's what he's calling daddy these days) and threw himself against the door and banged his fists on the door and kicked and cried and pushed his brother down. First.Thing.This.Morning. So, I was exhausted from that ordeal before my day even began.

I know he has a strong will. I have the same personality. I know this year will be rough and that all two-year olds need to assert their individuality. There will be time outs - for him and for me. And I guess that I'm having one for me tonight.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Boys Elmo Birthday (aka the Water Bottle Birthday)

Hopefully, these are self-explanatory. I made WAY too much food. And I sincerely believe the boys had the best day of their lives ... we are so lucky to have such wonderful friends here in Dallas who made the day special for our boys!












Thursday, April 7, 2011

Senseless Tragedy

One of my friends from my hometown in Iowa was killed this morning on his drive to work. You can read about it or watch the video at THIS LINK. I found out about it through mutual friends posts on FB. We weren't close friends. We hadn't kept in touch since I went away to college. He lived a block or so away from me in elementary school. We sometimes hung out in the same crowd in high school. My hs boyfriend was friends with him. And I once punched and threatened his little brother for being mean to my cousin. The scene of this accident is just a few miles from my brother's house. It could have been my SIL, my brother, my nephews, my mom. It could have been me. I've always been afraid of car wrecks. I still am. And this is why. Innocent man. Wonderful husband, father, and friend. Killed. While driving to work. No slick roads. No texting. No drinking. Just a senseless tragedy.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Surge to the Merge! and other fun stuff

This weekend, I read THIS article on a friend's facebook page ... and am now a believer. I used to curse the people who flew past me in the other lane, but now I feel completely guilt free and justified. Plus, its taken about 15 minutes off my commute home at night. Woo Hoo!
***


The boys seem to be adjusting to their new daycare. I know I still am loving all the attention they're getting and the communication we're getting. It rocks! I swear they've never sucked their thumbs more than they have with all the recent changes, but I know they're resilient and they'll get there.


One of the best parts of living in the 'burbs is my willingness to leave the house after I've come home. Tonight, I packed up a dinner in snack cups so DH and I could take the boys to the neighborhood playground. The boys enjoyed their dinner, and ignored the playground equipment. They just wanted to run and be chased and to explore the greenbelt.


So, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the quality of life I was seeking is working out according to plan. Which feels so good. I'm proud of the life my boys will have in this house/neighborhood/school system/town.


***


Dieting sucks. But hopefully all this exercise I'm getting on the treadmill (yes, I dusted it off last night!) and walking the boys back/forth to the park and chasing them around the open fields, will counteract any cheating I do with food.


That being said, I have been feeling very.very.very tired lately, and I really want to see my endocrinologist to check my thyroid replacement. The soonist I can get in is late May, which sucks, so I may have to find a new one, closer to our new home. Too bad I spend all my time researching contractors for little projects at the new house and don't really leave myself much time for other personal calls, etc. (masonry for mailbox replacment, roof repairs, hot tub removal [we are SO not hot tub people], swingset (read: death trap) removal, garage door painting, locksmith for deadbolt installation, etc. etc. etc. Its all a bunch of little stuff that is going to add up and when its done, I'll probably be blissfully bored, but that will just leave me time for furniture shopping!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Wistful Thinking

Was just reading a blog I like to read from time to time ... Little Miss Momma. She is so beautiful and I love seeing her photography. And sometimes her posts make me smile. Today she posted some pics from her husband's phone, and there were many of her little singleton. And it makes me wistful. Because although I feel guilty about it, I sometimes envy the momma who can have just one baby at a time. I so appreciate these two little boys. I can't imagine our life without them. I think they are funny, and smart, and cute, and also its like they know their second birthday is next weekend and so they've decided to be two already! So, they are whiney and needy and tantrum-throwing and melty-downy and still cute and smart and funny. Their facial expressions crack me up and their favorite word is either "mine" or "no". And I still remember when I worried we'd never have children of our own. And so I don't want to give up either of them, I just sometimes have this grass is greener when it comes to twins vs singletons.
***


Preparations for the 2nd birthday party continue. This weekend I made four (count em, 4) batches of enchiladas. Next weekend will be cupcakes and cake pops and decorating. I hope to get out this afternoon during naptime or shortly thereafter to purchase the gifts (which were an afterthought to the party, I'm afraid!). We are getting the boys some little gifts and tricycles. I read somewhere it was a good gift for this age. So, I'm excited to teach them to ride.


Hopefully I can be posting pictures this time next week! The theme is Elmo (also one of their favorite words) and so there will be a lot of red.


***


The boys had their last day at their old pre school on Thursday. And even though I half the time thought they hated me, or didn't love the boys enough, I still cried when I left for the last time.


They started their new school on Friday, and I was able to watch on the webcam, so I could see how sweet they were to the boys after we left. And how good the boys did (except during naptime!) and I really appreciate what $800 MORE a month in daycare can do for you. The people are so friendly, the building and toys are so nice. And I've seen those 3-year-old teachers in action, so I know that next year, if possible, will be EVEN BETTER than what they've got now. Biggest bonus is its like 1mile from our new home, which means the boys aren't sitting in traffic. And my commute is shorter. All which makes this momma very.very happy.


***


All those months ago I started my new year's diet and I quickly fell off. I'm back on it again, though not as gung ho but definitely making good choices and seeing progress. I like to have a goal, so right now I'm working toward a family reunion at the beginning of June to be followed by our annual 4th of July pilgremage to Minnesota. Anyway, I'm trying.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Vascillation

We got moved into our new home this weekend. I know we downsized when we moved to Texas by the fact that we have everything out of the condo and on the floor in our new house before 1pm on Saturday AMAZES me. We spent most of that day and yesterday baby-proofing the house. Between Jack pulling out all the outlet covers and Will opening and running out the front door, we definitely knew how to prioritize our time!



There is still SO much to do, but most of what's left will be fun stuff - picking out rugs, painting the bonus room, buying furniture, etc.



The joys (ha, ha) of homeownership appeared on day 1 - wasps in the backyard that needing ridding, loose screws on the playset that need screwed in, leaves that need cleaned out of the beds, light bulbs that need replaced, outlet covers that fall off and need longer screws. That makes the house sound like its in disrepair, but its not. Really, its GORGEOUS.

***

It's so gorgeous that its hard for me to believe that I live there. I'm having a hard time articulating this feeling I have. My husband and I come from meager homes. My parents were factory workers. His worked for the school district. I knew we were living below our means before, but this home is nicer than any other in our family, any home we've every lived in. We've got these two beautiful, funny, and healthy boys. My cancer is gone. We have great jobs. And it just all seems too perfect. I'm starting to have anxiety that something is going to go wrong. Car wreck. Burglar. Getting fired. Broken arm. Anything.


On the other hand, I also feel like all my hard work has paid off. I have a liberal arts degree. I was fully prepared to be a social worker or ask people if they wanted fries with that. I started out in a non-profit and earned a commensurate salary. And I started out as a freakin' secretary with the company where I work today. But it seems like all of my years of hard work have paid off. My master's degree. My moving all over the midwest. Late nights. Personal sacrifice. Relationship building. All of it. It really feels like I've made it.

So, I vascillate between feeling like I'm living in a dream, like I'm Cinderella at the ball and any minute now the clock will strike midnight - and trying to become okay with being successful. And even as I write that, it sounds smug.

I think I have issues with money where I'm more comfortable scrambling for cash and living month to month than I am with this identity of being stable, and even more than stable, having money. Not that its a lot. It really isn't. Its just more than I've ever had. And it feels weird. Like I don't deserve it. Like its not really me. Like someone's going to come along and say, oh no, not you, we didn't mean this for you. We made a mistake. This is someone else's life.

Maybe I need therapy.

Monday, March 14, 2011

T Minus Five and I'm Definitely Counting

T Minus Five more nights in the condo. In the 865 sq ft home we have enjoyed for the past 360 days. SO ready to have some space. And the additional daylight in the evenings thanks to daylight savings time has made me DESPERATE for my boys to have a yard. I'm also looking forward to have SPACE for me to have some alone time without feeling like I'm hiding in the bedroom from DH. And to walk on my treadmill. And to have friends over for dinner. And for the boys to have their own playroom. Dream.House. Can't.Wait.

***
I wonder if I should start parting my hair in the middle like Kim Kardashian.
***
Took Jack to the pediatrician last week for an ear infection: Doctor's Visit: $75, Prescription: $24
DH took Will to the minor med center tonight, same diagnosis: Visit: $20, Prescription, $80.
WTF?!
***
I'm also considering getting a Brazillian Blowout, but its $250. And that seems oppulent. But as overweight as I am now, I think it would be nice if at least my hair could be skinny.
***
Reason # 1,000,001 why I'm excited to move .... THIS happened at "MY" Walmart this past weekend. I know that no place is purely safe, but I'm definitely ready to move to the burbs and out of the United Nations. I went to this place in daylight, and darkness. With my children. And alone. And I N.E.V.E.R. felt safe. The people there eyeball you. They invade your personal space. They ask for money in the parking lot. And they're probably all normal, God-fearing peopel who would never hurt you. But there have probably been 100 people mugged there in the past year and it took this event for me to find out about it. Seriously. I was there on Sunday. there was no chalk on the parking lot. No police tape. No sign that a customer had been KILLED by the acts of another customer less than 48 hours prior. SO.READY.TO.MOVE. I'm such a sell out. and I'm okay with it.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Lots of Little Stuff

So....the diet has tanked. I lost a couple pounds and have mostly kept those off but the treadmill is now buried under moving boxes. And I'm eating whatever I feel like, which is only healthy about 45% of the time. Yes, less than half. I'm hoping to get back on the wagon once we move into our new home in 24 DAYS! I'm so sick of this tiny little condo. I leave almost shaking with anger every morning ... from parallel parking in the lot to the tiny little space we all have to share which really limits my activities during the all important nap time, I'm definitely ready. And the boys, oh I'm so happy for the boys to have a YARD to play in! Simply.Cannot.Wait.

The move is just about 30 miles north of our current home. And so this requires a lot of changes. Thankfully, our pediatrician has two offices so we'll just move to the one closer to our new home. Tried out my new dentist yesterday. New pre-school has been selected. Goodbye 24K/year. But SO excited for the boys. They will have a huge touch screen computer, super cool teachers, and a splash park in the summer. Seriously, this place has its own splash park! I never thought I'd be the kind of mom to splurge like this, its not like they've been in pricey daycare so far, but this placed reeled me in. And the best part is they can go there until their 12 - summers, Christmas break, before/after school with a bus ride to their elementary school. And as an added bonus its less than 1 mile from our house. I'm in love with this pre school. They start there about 2 weeks after we move, so I'll be driving them into the city, which I will hate. All that time with them in the car, stuck in traffic. I don't wish that for them. So, I may adjust my hours at work for those two weeks (I'm thinking 7 to 4) to get ahead of the traffic. Dear Boss....

I had someone notice my thryoid surgery scar for the first time out loud last week. It's been so long and I hardly even notice it myself anymore, so I was taken aback. But he had had one of those spinal surgeries where the incision is in the front of your neck, so he was wanting to connect about that. The postmaster, actually, when I was mailing a gift to my old boss in Wichita on Saturday. I don't know why I mention it, other than that I hardly ever think about the cancer or the thyroid surgery right now. I need to schedule my next body scan for April, but really, I don't live in fear. I hardly think of it. Its amazing what a difference a year makes! My boss and I will start our fiscal year budget process on Monday. Last year, when budgeting, I was on that crappy low iodine diet and all I could eat was fruit, homemade salads, homemade blank carrot soup, etc. (shiver) I H.A.T.E. that diet!

I decided to splurge for the boys' birthday party this year. Last year, we just had cake with the in laws. This year, they'll probably get two parties. One here with their friends, and one in Wichita with their grandparents. For the party here, I am trying to schedule the "my gym" for just a 90 minute play party - no cake, just juice boxes. We'll have a hard time rounding up 10 kids to attend, since they'll have just started in their new school and we don't know that many people here. I'm actually thinking of inviting some friends from high school who have kids their age, just to have an opportunity to see those friends. Still thinking about that one.

Ok. That's all I got for now. Just wanted to give you an update.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Snow Days

So, the boys and I are home together again, 5th day in a row if you're counting. It's Saturday. And DH is at work, because even though he worked at least 10 hours every day this week (some of those hours at home b/c of road conditions) the ridiculous CEO of his company must have perceived that people weren't really working and so he made today a full mandatory work day. Which totally blows because I was mentally prepared for some much-needed alone time today.

I've made the best of it, and I've enjoyed this time with the boys. But I'm ready for a change of pace. It's one thing to be a SAHM (which I'm not wired to be) but its another thing to be a SAHM stuck inside an 865-sq ft condo 5 days in a row. Thank goodness we closed on our new home on Thursday - now we wait until March to move!

Things started to thaw this morning, so I took the boys to T.arget (big mistake - the road there was a hilly ice rink) and then Babies.R.Us to get a new slide (see pics below). Yes, we need some snow day distractions but we also need something for Will to CLIMB. At least that's what I read online and thought it was worth a try.

Here is a list of things he has climbed in the past 5 days:
  1. Out of his crib
  2. Out of his pack n play
  3. On top of the musical table
  4. Up on the baby gate around the tv
  5. Up on the outside of his crib
  6. Up the front of his dresser (which thankfully we have tethered to the wall)
  7. On top of his bookcase and was walking around while his brother all panic-y yelled "dada!" "dada!" "dada!" obviously knowing this was not "ok"
  8. And the WORST! - into his high chair while the tray was attached. Yes! he is also a contortionist who can climb up the outside of the tray and then somehow swing his legs around to get in the chair. Maybe he has a future in the circus!

So....I had immediately gone to the web where I get all my parenting advice, and I read that it is healthy to teach them what it is okay to climb on, and what it is not okay to climb on. And since we don't always have daylight or opportunity to get to a playround appropriate for their size, I decided to buy them a slide they can climb. Jack loves it and yells "wee" when he slides down. Adorable! And Will likes it okay. He would much rather climb up the outside of his crib, but goes back to the slide when I say "cribs are not for climbing, let's play on your slide."

As for the crib/pack-n-play situation, I just keep putting him back in. My SIL had this problem with my niece who is about the same age about a month ago, and just one nap time of returning her to her PNP seemed to work. I have only put Will back in his twice in the last hour. He's still awake. I can hear him in there talking to himself, but he's stayed put for the last 30 minutes so far. Last time I checked he was shaking his little puppy lovey over the side of the PNP. Poor little thing must not be tired. And what can you do for that?

I'm trying to do things right. But his sleep fighting has crept into the nightime schedule the past two nights, as well. Worried about him breaking or concussing something climbing out of his crib (even though its pretty low to the ground). I may have to invest in one of those crib tents. I guess I can return it if he freaks out, which I predict he will.








Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Sucky Day

Snow day today in North Texas. The boys are napping. DH is on his laptop working beside me. And there apparently are no salt trucks to help melt the ice on the roads so everything is closed and everyone is home.
Our house closing has been moved yet again, to tomorrow, hopefully, though no one will commit. Seriously?! What is this, the drunken sailer school of home closings? I'm just ready to be done with it. Read to move and to get settled into our new life. It doesn't help that the boys are home from pre-school cooped up with me and DH in our 865-sq-ft condo. Yowza!
***

My BFF K is suffering another miscarriage. She went to her OB today. No heartbeat. She had told me about the pregnancy a few weeks ago. Scared. Worried about money. She had two miscarriages, then her son the Wy-Guy, another miscarriage, and then miss A. And now this. She declared bankruptcy last year and was seriously sweating the third child and what that would do to her marriage, her goals for the future, etc. And slowly, over the past few weeks, she had to emotionally prepare herself for another child, that even though she considers herself to have a 33% success rate, that this still might be one that stuck. And now that she got herself worked into the place she needed to be. It is gone. Another life ripped from her womb. And another D&C starting at home, suffering at home, before they finally take her in.

She is experiencing every emotion you would expect right now. Even guilt that she wasn't more excited sooner, even though she knows that didn't cause this. And it just sucks. I'm so sorry my friend has to go through this. The emotional roller coaster. The loss of something she didn't even want. But it was there, fleeting, for a moment, a couple of weeks. And now it will fuck with her mind for months, if not years. Along with her other children who have not been carried to term. Very sobering. Even all these miles away from her.

***
Another friend from work suffered a tragic loss this weekend. She had recently gone through a very painful divorce from her high school sweetheart with whom she has a 4-year old daughter. Her ex was accused, and basically admitted, to molesting a 12-year old relative. Now imagine the mind games that will play on you?! So, she started dating this other guy who was a cowboy who rode professional rodeo. He was riding this weekend while she and her daughter were watching, fell off his horse and hit his head on a tree killing him instantly. My friend attempted to revive him. Hadn't she been through enough already? Why did she have to lose again, and have to be there to witness the tragic end? It's such a sucky day.

Monday, January 31, 2011

One Third Success

Haven't been on the scale in a few days. I try to avoid it during AF and also because I've been focusing on other things. That's why I'm thinking I'm one third success. I don't want to belittle what I've changed. I've found something that works for me for breakfast. For one third of my day. And its a healthy choice, that tastes delicious and doesn't feel like I'm dieting. I'm also doing good during the week at lunch. Frozen lean cuisine or some other variety that can be consumed at my desk without adding stress or guilt to my day. In the evenings, I continue to experiment with ways to make my favorite recipes lower calorie and lower in fat. Tonight was lasagna. And I had my 1.5 servings instead of 2.

I have not been on the treadmill. I have not been watching my motivational new fat shows. And I have not been reading my spark emails. Mostly.

In the past, I would have considered this failure. But I'm hoping if I redefine it as progress than I won't give up on it so fast. That I'll still with the success I've found and build on it instead of throwing it away. It's this crazy thinking I have about perfectionism. Like somehow if I'm not anorexic, then I should just be half bulemic (binge and not purge).

So what got me off track? Well, my boss was gone from work last week. So, I busted by butt on days I was hoping would be slacking. And we didn't close on our house on Friday, so I had the stress you've already read about with the finance guy. For the record, we didn't close today either. And now we're staring down a big snowstorm which may delay our closing again if we can't get to the title office. And I had my period. And was super bitchy, which you already know. And so I just indulged a little bit. But not as much as I would have in the past. Not making excuses, just actually trying to implement some of the thinking I read in one of those spark people emails.

Not sure when I'll get back on the treadmill. Maybe after we close on thse house. I just really needed a few moments to myself tonight, to sit, watch Desperate Housewives, and drink some Captain Morgan.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Pics of the Boys

Posting some pics for the faithful infertile. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm excited for you, and for your family!
Family Pics


Will planning our next vacation







Jack making bracelets out of daddy's flip flops







Thanksgiving Dinner








Learning to blow our noses:

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sesame Street Disclaimer

Yesterday's post was brought to you by the letters A & F.

AF is known to be a dynamic combination of letters that occurs on a monthly basis and creates extreme bitchiness in its victims.

Closing has been moved to Monday. Still fucking hate my lender. Guess this gives me more time to replace the pre school I plan to fire tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Bitchy

I've been really bitchy the past 24 hours. Really bitchy. It all started yesterday when I was trying to leave the office and everyone waited until the last minute to pester me, as I was running out the door to a meeting. And in the midst of all that the broker who we are financing our home through sends me an email saying he's worried about these documents that we haven't received yet from our bank in Wichita, blah blah blah. This is about the 10th time he's sent me a vague email that just rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure if its because he's so indirect, or his tone is just accusatory but I came unglued. I called him immediately after getting in my car to go to my meeting and ripped him, without cussing or name calling, but being definitely short and irate that he's making me feel this stress and just tell me what you want. Tell me what I'm doing wrong, etc. etc. etc. I got the paperwork to him last night. But I FUCKING HATE HIM and if our closing wasn't in two days I WOULD FUCKING FIRE HIS ASS!!!!! Before hitting send last night, I kept telling DH how I wanted to add p.s. I FUCKING HATE YOU. Which is what I went to bed repeating to myself. Today, every time I thought about it, I could feel my blood begin to boil yet again. And right now my muscles are all tense and my jaw is set and I wish he was here so I could punch him in the face.

The next victim is our current preschool. I can't remember whether or not I've bitched here about how many days they're closed. My DH had to take days off unpaid at Christmas. I've had to take several days of vacation for teacher in service days. Tonight, I mentioned that we were buying a house and would be moving, but Miss Kimberly please don't take it personally when we move the boys to a new school, we just need something more convenient to our new home. She said, "That's life." Um.....do you hate my precious little sons? Every one at that pre school usually exclaims when they see the boys, and tells us how adorable and smart they are, and how helpful little Will is all day. He's like his mommy - not even two years old yet and already stacking the chairs in the lunchroom. Very.Task.Oriented. Anyway, no one would give me a clear answer about whether or not they are open for Spring Break. And finally the teacher called the director, and they are open but there's an extra fee. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!? I'm already paying for that week, why should I have to pay more?! These people get more days off than I do from work!

I had already taken advantage of MLK (yet another day they had off) to tour four pre schools in our price range near our new home. Unfortunately, they were all scary. Yes, scary. And I'm not that picky. So, I've increased our budget by several hundred dollars and will be touring 5 places before our closing this Friday, so I can give our notice this Friday at our current daycare and the boys can start at their new place on March 1.

They may be very good for the boys. But their location is out of the question once we move. But I'm wanting to move up the change because the communication is just so poor. Are you going to be open or not? Are you going to miss my boys or just their tuition?!

Miss Kimberly asked me tonight what we do with Will at home? Um, well, we love him, we read to him, we play ball, we talk, he puts together puzzles. He's two. What do you mean? And then, Miss Patty the weird lady who sits at the front desk who is so sad to see us go tells me how much Will has improved and how great they have done there and how he struggled to adjust to the structure there. Um, hello?! He struggled?! He's been going there full time since Thanksgiving. Why wasn't I told he was struggling? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

I'M JUST TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY BITCHY TONIGHT. BAD BAD HORMONAL RAGE. PROTECT YOURSELVES - KEEP YOUR DISTANCE!!!!!

And then wish me luck in the pre school search! I want to find a permanent place for the boys that will offer after school care that they can attend even after they start elementary school in 3.75 years. That's what I had. And I definitely don't want to be scrambling for something. I want them to be able to go somewhere familiar.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Bad Girl

Went crazy yesterday. Had to work the stock show. Snuck vodka and V8 in with me. And when that was gone, my partner in crime and I downed two very large light beers. I ate a corndog. And I ate a Starbucks sandwich on the way there. I went home and had a decent dinner - new tilapia that I LOVE from Wally World. But I did not walk on the treadmill. Went to sleep at 9:15.

Gained a couple pounds back this weekend. But its Monday and I'm back on track.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Letting It All Hang Out

So. I have a confession. Sometimes in the past, I have used laxatives to jumpstart my weight loss. Not as much as others I know, but definitely for a few weeks at a time.

And I'm always tempted to use them again.

And this time, I'm still tempted, but I can't.

Not because it could mess up my gastrointestinal system or it could make me malnourished.

But because I work in a teeny tiny office environment where I could never get away with going #2. I already run the fan I'm in there, just to cover up any gas that might slip out or any other noises. It's been a habit. I just run the fan every time I'm in there. And the next closest bathroom is dangerously far away in another building.

So gross, so true. But laxatives are not going to work in this environment.



Oh, and this morning, I was at 182.6. I have to confess that yesterday was 182.0 but I'm thinking all the food I ate at David Beard's Catfish Village BUFFET (I work with men, and we eat where they want) ruined my loss! I tried to eat well. Only one trip through the line, but I did enjoy a super small bowl of their delicious WARM CHOCOLATE PUDDING.



I'm determined not to let this weekend slow me down. I know I'll be out of my routine and tempted to eat greater quantities. I hope to make up for it with extra exercise. I've been walking 30-40 minutes/night. Maybe I will try to do two sessions a day for the next two days just to keep the momentum going.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Bye Bye Blog Friend

I cleaned up my "Blog It Out" section last night. And I was sad to see how many blogs I used to read that are no longer out there. The weird part was that I couldn't 100% remember which blog was which person. I tend to know people by their first names and remember them that way, since that's how we comment on each other's blogs, and email each other behind the scenes. They were all very clever titles and the best of the best of all the blogs I read in the IF world, and boy did I read ALL I could get my eyes on.

These blogs were instrumental in my surving IF and IVF. I have friends who tell me they could have never done it, and there were times when in the middle of all those hormones that I was ready to throw in the towel. But all that seems inconsequential to the greatness of being a mom. Three years of my life feels like three days that happened thirty years ago. It's almost like a haze. And my blog is the only proof it ever happened. I can't imagine deleting all this.

My focus may have changed, but this place is sacred to me. And so are the blogs of my friends. How many did I lurk on back through years of betas to compare mine to theirs. How many did I cry with over a BFN or MC. How else would I know all of these acronyms?!?! And what about all my firsts? When I first de-lurked? When I first joined one of those crazy commenting competitions? When I first received an award? All of mine are years old now and still I can't take them down. When I first gave someone my personal email address? When I first friended one of you on FB? These were huge steps for me, and just as big for me as the first injection, the first vag wand, the first foster care class. They're all entertwined. Simply stated, I cannot separate the IF community from my IF experience.

And I guess I'm just sad to see it kind of crumbling as people move on.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Extreme Sustainability?

So...this morning the scale went down, but not much. It made me think perhaps I would just post my weight on Fridays here. I'm still recording it in Livestrong, but maybe won't bore you with the .2 pound loss or gain on a daily basis.

Immediately after stepping off the scale, I was tempted to quit this ordeal. I mean, I can't really do it, so why try? I had this negative self talk, that no matter how long I stick with this, I won't be anywhere near my goal weight, so I might as well enjoy some McDonald's today instead of the lunch I packed. Well, first of all, it goes back to that health thing. I definitely want to be here for Will and Jack. Definitely. Want to lower my cholestrol and keep my body strong so I can be the active mommy who isn't hiding under a tarp-like cover up at the pool.

So, then I started doubting my method. All of this in the span of about 10 seconds while taking my thyroid meds and brushing my teeth (that's my routine - pee, strip, weight, pill, teeth....) Maybe so far I haven't done anything extreme enough. Maybe I should eat pre-packaged Lean Cuisine, Weight Watchers, Healthy Choice entrees for every meal? Well, that's ridiculous! That's not sustainable or realistic. I am going to need to be able to eat at least some foods I've prepared myself.

I want to do something drastic enough to notice a change in my appearance, fit of my clothes and/or the scale. Help me feel like all these 'choices' I'm making are having some effect, moving the needle toward the goal. But I also want this to be something that I can continue forever! The problem is what I consider sustainable obviously is not resulting in fast enough...results.

So, one change I started today which we'll see how it goes is this...for my homemade dinner tonight, I had 1.5 servings on my plate the first trip to the kitchen. My logic is this. I always finish what I have on my plate. And I normally have two servings, which includes all of the second one even though I'm starting to feel full. So, tonight, my initial serving was about 1.5x the amount I would normally take and I totally did not need the second helping. Wahoo! It worked. And I totally felt full all night. And it was LOW FAT lasagna. Same ingredients I normally use, but fat free or low fat.

And then I watched the premiere of "Heavy" on A&E which motivated me to get on the treadmill even though it was later than normal and I really just wanted to eat a handfull of chips. And it was the best "treadmill" workout I've had so far this time around. I was "really" sweating. Really. I continue to only allow myself to read the book I'm loving right now "The Help" which motivates me to stay walking longer than I normally would.

Even though I've committed to not reporting it here tomorrow, I'm hoping I will see at least .5 pound loss overnight. I know. I know. I'm not supposed to weigh everyday, but I can't help it. I need the instant gratification, and constant feedback. Its my thing.

Oh, and while watching the Jersey Shore and drooling over some crackers the Situation was eating, I saw previews for the next episode of "I Used to be Fat". I see more motivation in my future!!!!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Oh no! 185 point Oh!

So, the weekend wreaked havoc on my attempts to eat better. I do feel like I ate better, but apparently the scale disagrees.

I was home with the boys today. MLK Day celebrated by our school. I used the time to look for a NEW school. One that will be open more often (seriously wasting all my vacation this year on daycare/preschool closures), and that will be more convenient to our new home, and the new building for my office.

It was not a success. I'm starting to think I need to find a pre school that also has after school care for elementary children, so the boys can continue to go there when they go to school. But those are WAY more expensive. Like $2200/mo vs. $1300/mo. Yes, $900 different! I was hoping I would find them a new school today, and so am disappointed I did not. We have to give 30-day notice at their current school, so if they're moving, then I need to tell the school adminstrator by next Friday. And I desperately want them gone by March 1. Why? Well, because they won't pro-rate a month, meaning you have to pay a full calendar month at a time. And in March, the school is closed a week for Spring Break. WTF!?! A week of vacation that I have, but I'd rather spend next summer with family, and oh, my husband who doesn't have vacation time yet in his new job. So, I came home this afternoon and made some calls during naptime. And will make some more calls tomorrow. And everyday until I replace the school that gets more vacation than me!

In diet news, the boys and I went for a walk with my friend E and her daughter this afternoon. 1.9 miles by the car's odometer. She's a SAHM, so she loves company, and I don't get to see her that often, so it was awesome. And a much healthier alternative to Starbucks or wine, which is what I would have done with her two weeks ago. She's dieting, too. Weight Watchers. And has already lost 10 lbs. And when she started was 10 lbs lighter than I am now, which makes her now 20 lbs lighter than me. Grrrrr! And she's beautiful. Like Latin beauty queen beautiful. I didn't find her motivating, but I also didn't feel like cursing her. Maybe I'm maturing.

Tomorrow, I'll be back at work and back in my routine. I'm hoping to shed at least 2 lbs this week, which would put me at 183 by Friday. Wish.Me.Luck.