Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Last Friday Night

I was able to sleep last night from about 9:30pm until about 5am. Hallelujah!!!!

I still don't want to drink, but I am finding a way to laugh at myself. Which is a sign the neurosis is fading {for now anyway}.

I'm sure this is terribly sad and this guy had family and will be dearly missed etc etc etc but at least I'm not THIS GUY.

And I know that others have been here before. Not just because of your kind posts but because of this fun song which for now contains the Best.Lyrics.Ever.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Again last night, I couldn't sleep.

Driving across town this morning, telling my boss how I haven't been able to sleep since Friday night and how I may never.drink.again, he says to me "What's that word you always use for L (mutual friend)?" And I say, "Neurotic?" He says, "Yes, that's it. Neurotic." And continues, "I didn't think anything was THAT bad." To which I reply, "I was asleep. In front of your kids! At like 7pm!" He replies, "So! I do that like every night."

Difference being he collapses after getting up at 4:30am to run or lift weights and then working 12+ hours - throwing his entire self into our company and then our family. Not after drinking to excess.

But it made me feel better. And he is amazing. I would say ...for him to always be so gracious, so merciful and non-judgemental of me and others in our circle of friends. But maybe I really wasn't that bad. Maybe I slid by this time. So, I pointed out that same thing, and added that the part that really worries me is only remembering parts of the evening, and not knowing if I owe anyone an apology and if so, who, and for what.

So for the record, neurotic means a state of being afflicted with a neurosis or a person who tends to be emotionally unstable or unusually anxious. Definitely since Friday night I have been neurotic. Not sleeping. Relentless negative self talk. Obsessive.Compulsive.Anxiety about what bridges may have been burned that night, what consequences I could face if it happens again or T had not been there to drive me home. Over and Over and Over and Over. And over.

So last night I tossed and turned out on the couch reading and staring into the dark until I finally drifted off sometime after 2:30am. And my son Will woke up at 5am. I was in the shower by 5:30. I'm hoping that the <=3 hours of sleep last night will force me to sleep tonight!

And with a return to normal sleep patterns, then a return to just.moving.on. I think that's why I like the idea of abstaining from alcohol for awhile or forever. It would be final, so I could just put it all behind me. If anything, I would love to just put this behind me and never think of it again. Never again face 3 days of this punch to the gut. my real problem that I passed out after a few drinks? Or that I'm blowing it out of proportion when everyone else around me thinks it was no big deal? Or that I'm suffering insomnia? Or am I starting to come down with a wee little bout of depression? WTF is going on?

In other news, the boys are amazing fun right now. Amazing horrible to take to a friend's house for dinner, but crazy fun in a controlled environment. We're in the midst of potty training, despite my best intentions to put it off a couple more months until I think the boys are ready. Daycare is requesting pull ups. Will had dry diapers and peed in the potty all day yesterday. Jack scared himself by pooping in the potty at home last night and cried cried cried until it was all cleaned up and then finally was proud of his accomplishment. And I was proud of myself for not vomiting in front of him because it was a nasty, liquid corny poo that was definitely gross. And while I'm trying to console him, his brother is sticking his nose down in the potty chair to investigate. Ewww!

Their vocabularies are ever expanding. DH and I thoroughly enjoy sharing their accomplishments with each other. Yesterday, he was amazed they knew an "umbrella" in its folded up closed state. Last week, Jack shocked me with the word "shoulder" And last night Jack, upset that I was singing out loud, held my face in his hands and said, "No momma! Time out!" Yes, my two-year-old put me in a time out. And he can count from 5 to 10. Not 1 to 5, but definitely 5 to 10. And they both love to sing "Phenomenon Do do do do do do. Phenomenon Do do do do .... ala the muppets which they've never seen but I sing to them in the car.

Life is good. Maybe I'm just afraid of throwing it all away.

Monday, July 11, 2011

That Girl

Dr. Drew the host of Celebrity Rehab would say that I'm an alcoholic. I think. On one episode, I remember him saying that you have an addiction if you have ever suffered consequences, not just whether or not you are "addicted" to it or crave it or can't control it etc etc etc to all those things you think of when you think of an addict.

But I do sometimes suffer consequences from drinking. Aside from hangovers (only with the hard stuff), throwing up (in college), and saying things I regret (always) I have fallen down and skinned my knee (in front of my mother - wince) wrecked my car (just a few months before I got pregnant with the boys) and just never.been.caught. And I don't remember it happening. Just woke up the next morning to destroyed front and back bumpers. Its embarrassing to admit this here. But I have to get this off my chest.

This past Friday night, I met my boss and a friend visiting from out of town at our job site. I had three beers in 90 minutes (and so did they) and then drove home to where I picked up my husband (boys' daycare was hosting their monthly parents'night out) and took him to my boss's house for a dinner party. From there, I remember taking a tour, admiring the food and being handed a white sangria. I remember bits and pieces of the next few hours. My husband drove us home, so the boys were never in danger. Whew! But I fell asleep on my boss's couch. With like 10 friends around. Colleagues from work. Their spouses. Their children. I freaking fell asleep!

I was not naked. I didn't throw up. I didn't offend anyone or talk dirty. But I blacked out.

I have apologized to my boss and his wife and they were both super cool about it. My boss's wife just said "I've never seen you like that before" and laughed. We've known each other for almost 10 years. But I know its not cool. I know thats not the person I want to be. And I have been obsessed with it since that night. In fact, although I'm sure I was safely in bed by 10:30 that night, I woke up at 2:30 and could not go back to sleep. I have barely slept every night since then. It felt better to talk to them today. It feels good to get it off my chest here. Okay, maybe not good. But somehow like I can let go of all the negative self talk. And the self hatred. All the worry that THIS is going to be the thing that takes away this wonderful life that I have.

I do not drink every day. I do not get drunk every time I drink. I can have one drink and stop. And not really think about it. I can have two drinks and just be done. Somewhere after two drinks things get a little hazy.

I say the wrong things when I'm sober, so I'm afraid of the things - mean, spiteful things - that may come out of my mouth when I'm drunk.

Friday night, I was drinking on an empty stomach while I had my period and while taking some bronchitis medication. All a bad combination. And I could blame it on that random combination. But I've drank on an empty stomach before. I've blacked out before. I've done this before. Maybe not in front of these people, or in this same exact way. But I have been in this place where the next day I don't remember what I said, or how I got home. It was tacky when I was 22. And its pathetic at 34.

I don't even like to be drunk. It's never my intention. I prefer to be in control at all times. But every once in awhile. Every 20th time I drink, or maybe every 50th, there's no rhyme or reason. Every once in awhile it doesn't go well. I haven't killed anyone. I haven't completely ruined any friendships. But I have put myself in a position that I don't like. Been a person I do not want to be.

I don't know if I will ever drink again. My husband thinks I'm being a little extreme. Maybe I will have a one-drink limit. But even the thought of that scares me. I guess what Friday night did was scare me. It took me back to the place of before the boys were born when I wrecked my car. Like I've been granted a wake-up call. And its something I really need to pay attention to.

So, this is scary. I'm about to hit "publish post" and its scarier than the time I posted my weight (still hovering around 180 despite exercise and Lean Cuisine, BTW). I think this is a very scary thing to post on a blog that could somehow be tied to me in real life. To admit this weakness. To let my guard down. But I wanted to share it here. For those of you who are still reading.

I'm afraid to ever drink again. Because it may be fine. I may have just one. Or I could have just one too many. And I don't want to be that girl.