Monday, October 24, 2011

The Winds they are a Changing

I am Type A. Yes, I underwent a totally unpredictable, out of (my) control situation with IF, IUI, and IVF. And a mother of twins! Oy vay!

But in this, I felt in control in a lot of ways. I could take my shots on time, and not miss a single dose. I could feed the boys every 2 hours, per the pediatrician's instructions, I can feed them organic food. I can control so many aspects of things even when they're out of control. That's how I deal. I control. That's what I do.

I wrote last about my fears that my boss would leave our division, leave Texas, leave me. I am still struggling with this. Sometimes when I share things in my blog, or talk about them with my husband, the catharsis provides relief, like I'm finally confronting some truth I've been avoiding. But with this fear of the future of my career, talking about it here and with DH has not helped. If anything, it has elevated my fear and made it more real. I know that discussing it with my boss would make me feel better in the short term, but in the long term, it would not, because showing weakness and admitting my uncertainty would be revealing a weakness I'd rather he not see. Or remember. And then use against me (even if he thought he was doing me a favor) in the future. I hate to commit to a certain path when there are so many variables at this time. So, out of fear, I am trying to figure out the best strategy to have the "right" outcome for me, and to know what it is that I do want, given any number of scenarios. It's a lot like Survivor. We often joke about our "Survivor Mentality" - me, my boss, and other peers in similar positions that are all impacted by each other's moves. I openly strive to form alliances.

So, problem #1 - will we be happy in TX if boss leaves and takes other friend with him (yes, in 18 months, I know, perhaps melodramatic, but I need control, remember?), I've been making attempts to make friends. For example, we went to the Fall Festival at the boys' pre school on Friday night and I finally introduced myself to the dad who drops off his daughter at the same time as me every morning, and his wife, and my DH. Jay and Amy. Parents of L. Nice enough. But so freaking awkward to be making friends at 34. Seems desparate. Still can't bring myself to make friends with the unattractive parents at the Play Place at the mall - even though our boys were only one of 3 sets of twins there on Sunday. And obviously I'd have things in common with parents of two-year-old twins. But they didn't look like us. Okay. Perhaps my standards are too high. I've always had acquaintances I could take or leave and just a few close BFFs. So, anyway, working on that problem.

And problem #2 - forming an alliance with my co-manager at work who I do not trust just in case I do have to one day work for him, or he one day works for me. He's just hard to read and I tend to think he has an agenda. DH has suggested I work to figure out what his agenda is. Does this make any more of you want to puke? I. h.a.t.e. political crap. Just be honest. And direct. I can't stand the thought of playing fake or nice or anything else. Just spell it out already.

Not sure which of these two is harder for me. I have wonderful, fabulous friends who I treasure, but they just don't live very close to me. I don't want to have to make new friends. I don't want to put myself out there. It feels like dating. Boo!

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