Monday, July 11, 2011

That Girl

Dr. Drew the host of Celebrity Rehab would say that I'm an alcoholic. I think. On one episode, I remember him saying that you have an addiction if you have ever suffered consequences, not just whether or not you are "addicted" to it or crave it or can't control it etc etc etc to all those things you think of when you think of an addict.

But I do sometimes suffer consequences from drinking. Aside from hangovers (only with the hard stuff), throwing up (in college), and saying things I regret (always) I have fallen down and skinned my knee (in front of my mother - wince) wrecked my car (just a few months before I got pregnant with the boys) and just never.been.caught. And I don't remember it happening. Just woke up the next morning to destroyed front and back bumpers. Its embarrassing to admit this here. But I have to get this off my chest.

This past Friday night, I met my boss and a friend visiting from out of town at our job site. I had three beers in 90 minutes (and so did they) and then drove home to where I picked up my husband (boys' daycare was hosting their monthly parents'night out) and took him to my boss's house for a dinner party. From there, I remember taking a tour, admiring the food and being handed a white sangria. I remember bits and pieces of the next few hours. My husband drove us home, so the boys were never in danger. Whew! But I fell asleep on my boss's couch. With like 10 friends around. Colleagues from work. Their spouses. Their children. I freaking fell asleep!

I was not naked. I didn't throw up. I didn't offend anyone or talk dirty. But I blacked out.

I have apologized to my boss and his wife and they were both super cool about it. My boss's wife just said "I've never seen you like that before" and laughed. We've known each other for almost 10 years. But I know its not cool. I know thats not the person I want to be. And I have been obsessed with it since that night. In fact, although I'm sure I was safely in bed by 10:30 that night, I woke up at 2:30 and could not go back to sleep. I have barely slept every night since then. It felt better to talk to them today. It feels good to get it off my chest here. Okay, maybe not good. But somehow like I can let go of all the negative self talk. And the self hatred. All the worry that THIS is going to be the thing that takes away this wonderful life that I have.

I do not drink every day. I do not get drunk every time I drink. I can have one drink and stop. And not really think about it. I can have two drinks and just be done. Somewhere after two drinks things get a little hazy.

I say the wrong things when I'm sober, so I'm afraid of the things - mean, spiteful things - that may come out of my mouth when I'm drunk.

Friday night, I was drinking on an empty stomach while I had my period and while taking some bronchitis medication. All a bad combination. And I could blame it on that random combination. But I've drank on an empty stomach before. I've blacked out before. I've done this before. Maybe not in front of these people, or in this same exact way. But I have been in this place where the next day I don't remember what I said, or how I got home. It was tacky when I was 22. And its pathetic at 34.

I don't even like to be drunk. It's never my intention. I prefer to be in control at all times. But every once in awhile. Every 20th time I drink, or maybe every 50th, there's no rhyme or reason. Every once in awhile it doesn't go well. I haven't killed anyone. I haven't completely ruined any friendships. But I have put myself in a position that I don't like. Been a person I do not want to be.

I don't know if I will ever drink again. My husband thinks I'm being a little extreme. Maybe I will have a one-drink limit. But even the thought of that scares me. I guess what Friday night did was scare me. It took me back to the place of before the boys were born when I wrecked my car. Like I've been granted a wake-up call. And its something I really need to pay attention to.

So, this is scary. I'm about to hit "publish post" and its scarier than the time I posted my weight (still hovering around 180 despite exercise and Lean Cuisine, BTW). I think this is a very scary thing to post on a blog that could somehow be tied to me in real life. To admit this weakness. To let my guard down. But I wanted to share it here. For those of you who are still reading.

I'm afraid to ever drink again. Because it may be fine. I may have just one. Or I could have just one too many. And I don't want to be that girl.


Plot2Theme said...

Wow. I have dealt with this issue myself. I totally support your thinking through is worth the effort. I was sober for three years once and it was a great experience. Even just to say that I could do it. You are brave in posting this. Good luck to you. Julie

PJ said...

I really admire you for posting this! Very brave!

I would maybe go talk to a counselor to get some suggestions. Just out of curiousity, if anything else. I also like the one drink rule - makes you accountable.

Also, I'm guessing the combo of the drugs and your period and just being a busy mom and all just made the other night much worse. Three beers and a Sangria does not make a binge.

As long as we're confessing, I haven't faced the scale in like, FOREVER! I'm guessing I'm around 180 also though, and I'm 5ft4in. That is the way I deal. I ignore. Also, I don't open my bills, because I can't deal. Awesome, right?

Hope you feel better. Hugs.

A said...

Thank you, Julie and PJ. You have both been incredible friends to me for YEARS. Can it be years already?

LuckyOnce said...

I concur that it is very brave of you to post this, and very scary too.
My father is an alcoholic. I spent my childhood knowing that I could never do that to my family. Although I haven't blacked out since I was maybe 25 (and it was only that one time) I think about the possibility of becoming an alcoholic all the time. I wonder if I like drinking too much, even when I'm just having one or two per day. I almost never get drunk, but I just wonder if I drink more than other people I know. Obviously no alcoholic ever starts out drinking heavily. They work their way up to it. It's a terrifying thing to wonder about (but at the same time, I really enjoy drinking and don't want to give it up.) Ugh. It's a tough one. I'll be thinking of you.