Sunday, August 19, 2012

Lil Buckeroos

I couldn't stop myself.  I am in love with this picture of the boys from this afternoon.

In Love

Donuts Make you Big and Strong

Nobody wants to listen to me whine.  Nobody!  Its so frustrating.  I've had so many visits with friends this week, and even had some friends invite us over for dinner last night, but I really just wanted to stay home and eat junk food. So, I think my social anxiety disorder is acting up. And that's why I've been feeling so lonely lately.  Its not you.....its me.

Yesterday, while DH was at the grocery store, I booked us a cruise.  To be fair, I had been talking about it with him, weighing the pros and cons.  So, it wasn't a totally crazy impulsive decision.  So, we're going to sneak in a mini vaca about a week before the move.  4 nights.  With the boys.  Out of Galveston, so we can will never be this cheap again.   That's a pro.  The con is the days off work DH will have to take without pay because he's out of vacation.  Which really just probably means his last day will move up, because after the cruise, he would only have 4 more days to work before we move anyway. 

And already I felt better.  Less depressed.  Less mopey.  And excited to have some quality time with DH while the boys are in the Kids Club!  And excited to have something to look forward to a few days before the move.

And then this morning .... the boys and I made homemade donuts.

I had seen the Pioneer Woman's version on her show a week or so ago.  And it reminded me of this recipe that my step-mom had made when I was little.  I think she made it once, it definitely made an impression!

You start with 3 simple ingredients: fridge biscuits, shortening, and sugar.

I neglected to get a picture of the boys cutting the "holes" out of the middle of the donuts.  We use a shampoo cap.  Seems to be the perfect size.  Once you get the holes cut, you fry the donuts in medium-high heat oil.

You flip them when you start to see the browning on the edges, which you can see in this pic.  Then, you let them sit on a paper towel to soak up some of the grease.

And then you dip them in sugar.

And then you enjoy the fruits of your labor

Here is a nice shot of the inside of the donuts.  I think this is when Will told Jack that Donuts make you big and strong.  He's always saying stuff like that these days.  Practicing phrases he's learned from big people.  Thankfully, he hasn't picked up my cussing just yet.

And here is a donut shadow puppet.  I'm

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

22 Hours Round Trip

After that last post, I had the opportunity to go and see some of the family I have been missing so dearly.

My step-father's brother was diagnosed with terminal lunch cancer earlier this summer.  He has been in the hospital over 80 days since May.  And yesterday, the family met with a social worker to discuss palative care.  They will be placing him in a hospice facility this week.  If he makes it that long.

It was bittersweet. 

It was sad to see such a vital man, shrunk down into a shell physically while he was still there, 100% there, mentally.  I caught myself talking to him like I would someone who wasn't actually there.  But he definitely was there.  He had light in his eyes.  He flirted with me and the nurses, oh the poor nurses, he made a hand gesture to my step-father at one point that basically said he'd like to hit that.  So funny.  So leacherous.  So strong.  And yet his body is failing him.

On the plus side, I did get to see my mother and step-father as well as my aunt and their kids.  I was able to relieve a little burden while they held their family meeting by taking my cousin's kids to the movies.  It was 22 hours alone in the car round trip from Dallas to Omaha.  I drove up on Sunday.  And back on Monday.  I had to leave when I did.  They were having serious conversations with my uncle about moving him.  And he felt betrayed that they had met with the social worker behind his back.

So, I got home at 2:30am this morning.  Slept for about 4 hours.  And now am vegging out at home, watching The Vow.  I thought a good cry and a cart full of junk food might be good for me.  Because I am already settling back into what I've now termed the Dallas Depression.

It doesn't help that my friends are so wrapped up in all the things I wrote about before and not returning my calls.  Well, not promptly anyway.  They'll probably all call this week, but I really could have used them to keep me company while I was driving.

Tomorrow, its back to work for me.  Busy day tomorrow.  I need the distraction. 32 days to go....

Saturday, August 11, 2012

35 days and counting

So....the weirdest thing happened to me yesterday.  My boss, my replacement and I were driving across town talking about our plans for the weekend.  Every minute that passed, I became more and more depressed.

Here I am. Staring down a weekend with no plans.  Feeling like we have nothing left for us here in Dallas.  But we can't leave.  We're stuck here until our closing date in September. 

There have been so many times in my life when I've felt like my life was on hold.  And when I say times, I mean years.  And I'm just kind of worn down from it all. 

We found out we were moving to KC back in February and kind of decided at that time, we would hold all our visits home until the move.

I started out the summer trying to make the most of it.  We have some play money to eat out and take vacations.  We are in an apartment, so we have no yard work or home improvements.  We should be having a blast.  And we did.  For the first few weeks.

But now, as the date of our move approaches, I am becoming more and more impatient to be there.  To be closer to friends and family we have neglected since we moved to Dallas.  I feel whine-y complaining about it.  For my little pity party.  I mean, its all a positive move.  But I think knowing about it so far in advance has really been too far in advance.  Too much time to think and be stuck knowing you have no future in your current surroundings.

And I feel stupid complaining to my girlfriends. They all have so much going on right now.  Friend S.  Her father was recently diagnosed with liver cancer and has been given 6-12 months to live.  Friend K. just had her 3rd baby on Monday, so she's not getting any sleep and probably feeling like she's neglecting her other two kids.  She has enough on her plate.  Friend T. just found out their second trip to India for IVF with a gestational carrier did not work on Monday.  Those are my three best friends who I would normally gush to, and my problem, my little pity party is really insignificant when you put it in perspective.  I mean, really petty.

And yet, even though I know its petty, this morose feeling does not go away.  I distract myself by taking the boys to the playground or getting their hair cut.  A date with DH tonight.

But I am sad to be stuck here.  And missing all those friends. And my family, too.  We haven't been home since November.  And I could pack up the car and go there now, except I know it would be foolish to drive the 12 hours today - because if I wait those 35 days it will only be a 3 hour drive.  It doesn't make sense.  It would be stupid to go now.  We've come so far.  And its so close. 

But despite what I rationally know, my emotional self still wants to be sad. 

Being here makes me feel sad.  Because we really didn't make any friends outside of work, and our work friends don't get together that often.  They're all busy with their own families, or visiting people because they aren't moving in 5 weeks.  I should be grateful, because it makes it easier to leave.  But instead my miserable heart choses to feel sad and lonely. 

This waiting is obviously not good for me.  I'm obviously somewhat depressed.  But I feel better - always - after sharing it here.  Helps me wrap my mind around what's going on.  And make sense of it all.  Even when its doesn't actually make sense.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Fear and Self Loathing

So, I have to be honest.

I am a little bit [completely] terrified that I am going to fail at my new job.

My current position is - as they say - in my wheelhouse.  It fits perfectly with my skill set.  I could do it in my sleep.

My new position requires knowledge and skills that are a stretch for me.

But everyone has faith in me.  One of the most brilliant people I have ever known (owner of our company) has chosen me to run this company for him.  I like to joke that he possibly had a stroke on the day he made this decision.  But he does know me.  For almost 9 years, we worked together, not quite side by side.  He knows how I say the wrong thing, how I get fixated, how I am relentless when I think someone is not carrying their weight, how I guesstimate, how I have zero attention to detail.  He knows me.  I think.

My new position requires me to have a new boss.

A new boss who I have been friends with for just about as long as I've been with this company (going on 11 years).  A new boss who I love drinking and talking with.  But who can be ... impatient with my whole saying the wrong thing at the wrong time (he told me a few months ago - and I quote - You don't ALWAYS say the wrong thing. Which he meant and I took as reassurance.  But he may not like my direct style.  He is the king of manipulation.  Which I find disingenuious so I avoid it.  Oh, and did I mention I'm following him? Taking his position? in which he has excelled for that past 5 years.  Not really my favorite upward mobility strategy.  I personally prefer to follow a failure.

My new position requires me to supervise the guy who didn't get this job.

My new partner, or the guy who should be my partner, is the guy who was also up for this job.  And I get to supervise him.  And although I have way more leadership, project management, institutional knowledge, and all around "success" experience and am a more dynamic [wo]man of the people, he totally has more product and industry knowledge than me.  And he's all aloof all the time which makes him appear more mature, but the people ran a smear campaign to keep him from getting the job.  But somehow I always feel inferior with him.  Lately, I've been ignoring him because that somehow makes me be on equal footing with him aloof-ness-wise but I hate playing games.  And I hate the way I feel around him.  So, there's that.  Its like he's always in control of the conversation.  Where's the subservience people?!?!

But its not all bad.  I have known these people for years, dreamed of being a part of their team, and never dreamed I would be their leader.  All the people smearing my competition were vocally campaigning for me.  And have been so supportive already and on an ongoing basis leading up to this move.  I get to be closer to my family in Iowa than I have been since 1995.  Yes, 1995.  Almost 20 years!  My boys will know their cousins and their grandparents and great-grandparents.  Its going to be so stinking good for our family.

And I get to be the boss.  And run my own business.  With someone else's money.  And make it my own.  Our own, with the people who I know are industry leaders.  Its an amazing opportunity.  And nothing worth having ever came easy, right?

I just needed to share with you all how insecure I am about the move, when I actually think about it.  That its out of my league, that I may have Peter-principled myself.  That my ambition may be my achilles heel.  That I may have peaked at 35.  That my friend, who will now be my boss, won't like me anymore when I don't measure up to the way he did this same job.  Even though I know in my heart I will do better in the end, and my means will justify that end.  I mean, I won't do it the same way.  And he may not like that.

Okay.  Enough of that.  Just had to get it out there.  My DH believes in me so solidly, he can't relate.  And there really is no one else I can reveal this weakness to right now.  No one who understands, anyway - they just give me platitudes of You'll get there!  You're crazy!  You were meant for this! Etc. Etc. ETc..  Its a lonely spot to be in.  Thanks for letting me share this weakness here.  Its cathartic.