Again last night, I couldn't sleep.
Driving across town this morning, telling my boss how I haven't been able to sleep since Friday night and how I may never.drink.again, he says to me "What's that word you always use for L (mutual friend)?" And I say, "Neurotic?" He says, "Yes, that's it. Neurotic." And continues, "I didn't think anything was THAT bad." To which I reply, "I was asleep. In front of your kids! At like 7pm!" He replies, "So! I do that like every night."
Difference being he collapses after getting up at 4:30am to run or lift weights and then working 12+ hours - throwing his entire self into our company and then our family. Not after drinking to excess.
But it made me feel better. And he is amazing. I would say ...for him to always be so gracious, so merciful and non-judgemental of me and others in our circle of friends. But maybe I really wasn't that bad. Maybe I slid by this time. So, I pointed out that same thing, and added that the part that really worries me is only remembering parts of the evening, and not knowing if I owe anyone an apology and if so, who, and for what.
So for the record, neurotic means a state of being afflicted with a neurosis or a person who tends to be emotionally unstable or unusually anxious. Definitely since Friday night I have been neurotic. Not sleeping. Relentless negative self talk. Obsessive.Compulsive.Anxiety about what bridges may have been burned that night, what consequences I could face if it happens again or T had not been there to drive me home. Over and Over and Over and Over. And over.
So last night I tossed and turned out on the couch reading and staring into the dark until I finally drifted off sometime after 2:30am. And my son Will woke up at 5am. I was in the shower by 5:30. I'm hoping that the <=3 hours of sleep last night will force me to sleep tonight!
And with a return to normal sleep patterns, then a return to just.moving.on. I think that's why I like the idea of abstaining from alcohol for awhile or forever. It would be final, so I could just put it all behind me. If anything, I would love to just put this behind me and never think of it again. Never again face 3 days of this punch to the gut.
So...is my real problem that I passed out after a few drinks? Or that I'm blowing it out of proportion when everyone else around me thinks it was no big deal? Or that I'm suffering insomnia? Or am I starting to come down with a wee little bout of depression? WTF is going on?
In other news, the boys are amazing fun right now. Amazing horrible to take to a friend's house for dinner, but crazy fun in a controlled environment. We're in the midst of potty training, despite my best intentions to put it off a couple more months until I think the boys are ready. Daycare is requesting pull ups. Will had dry diapers and peed in the potty all day yesterday. Jack scared himself by pooping in the potty at home last night and cried cried cried until it was all cleaned up and then finally was proud of his accomplishment. And I was proud of myself for not vomiting in front of him because it was a nasty, liquid corny poo that was definitely gross. And while I'm trying to console him, his brother is sticking his nose down in the potty chair to investigate. Ewww!
Their vocabularies are ever expanding. DH and I thoroughly enjoy sharing their accomplishments with each other. Yesterday, he was amazed they knew an "umbrella" in its folded up closed state. Last week, Jack shocked me with the word "shoulder" And last night Jack, upset that I was singing out loud, held my face in his hands and said, "No momma! Time out!" Yes, my two-year-old put me in a time out. And he can count from 5 to 10. Not 1 to 5, but definitely 5 to 10. And they both love to sing "Phenomenon Do do do do do do. Phenomenon Do do do do .... ala the muppets which they've never seen but I sing to them in the car.
Life is good. Maybe I'm just afraid of throwing it all away.