Monday, October 24, 2011

The Winds they are a Changing

I am Type A. Yes, I underwent a totally unpredictable, out of (my) control situation with IF, IUI, and IVF. And a mother of twins! Oy vay!

But in this, I felt in control in a lot of ways. I could take my shots on time, and not miss a single dose. I could feed the boys every 2 hours, per the pediatrician's instructions, I can feed them organic food. I can control so many aspects of things even when they're out of control. That's how I deal. I control. That's what I do.

I wrote last about my fears that my boss would leave our division, leave Texas, leave me. I am still struggling with this. Sometimes when I share things in my blog, or talk about them with my husband, the catharsis provides relief, like I'm finally confronting some truth I've been avoiding. But with this fear of the future of my career, talking about it here and with DH has not helped. If anything, it has elevated my fear and made it more real. I know that discussing it with my boss would make me feel better in the short term, but in the long term, it would not, because showing weakness and admitting my uncertainty would be revealing a weakness I'd rather he not see. Or remember. And then use against me (even if he thought he was doing me a favor) in the future. I hate to commit to a certain path when there are so many variables at this time. So, out of fear, I am trying to figure out the best strategy to have the "right" outcome for me, and to know what it is that I do want, given any number of scenarios. It's a lot like Survivor. We often joke about our "Survivor Mentality" - me, my boss, and other peers in similar positions that are all impacted by each other's moves. I openly strive to form alliances.

So, problem #1 - will we be happy in TX if boss leaves and takes other friend with him (yes, in 18 months, I know, perhaps melodramatic, but I need control, remember?), I've been making attempts to make friends. For example, we went to the Fall Festival at the boys' pre school on Friday night and I finally introduced myself to the dad who drops off his daughter at the same time as me every morning, and his wife, and my DH. Jay and Amy. Parents of L. Nice enough. But so freaking awkward to be making friends at 34. Seems desparate. Still can't bring myself to make friends with the unattractive parents at the Play Place at the mall - even though our boys were only one of 3 sets of twins there on Sunday. And obviously I'd have things in common with parents of two-year-old twins. But they didn't look like us. Okay. Perhaps my standards are too high. I've always had acquaintances I could take or leave and just a few close BFFs. So, anyway, working on that problem.

And problem #2 - forming an alliance with my co-manager at work who I do not trust just in case I do have to one day work for him, or he one day works for me. He's just hard to read and I tend to think he has an agenda. DH has suggested I work to figure out what his agenda is. Does this make any more of you want to puke? I. h.a.t.e. political crap. Just be honest. And direct. I can't stand the thought of playing fake or nice or anything else. Just spell it out already.

Not sure which of these two is harder for me. I have wonderful, fabulous friends who I treasure, but they just don't live very close to me. I don't want to have to make new friends. I don't want to put myself out there. It feels like dating. Boo!

Monday, October 17, 2011

October 17, 2011

So, yesterday, I was taking the boys for a walk. We had just gotten back into our neighborhood and we saw a cute little toddler moseying around his yard with his daddy, and I was coaxing the boys to say "hiiiiiii" to their little neighbor and thought to myself.....its really totally completely inappropriate that I have 'Hits from the Bong' on my ipod right now" and chuckled to myself as I then continued to point out to the boys that their friend was wearing a hat, and shoes, etc. etc. etc.

Today, my precious little Will received yet another "oh no" report at school. Apparently, after nap time, he was biting his teachers and when they told him to stop, he laughed at them and bit them again! Thankfully, one of the teachers recognizes that he's two and he's just looking for attention. But still, these things, they give me stress. He woke up crying this morning, which I don't belive he's done since he was an infant, and so he had a rough start to his day. And he went straight to bed without getting up once, so I'm confident he was exhausted for whatever reason after his Monday at school. I'm saving the "oh no" report for later. I hope we can look back at it and laugh some day about how strong his spirit was, even at two.

My fabulous breast reduction surgery has been approved by insurance, and is scheduled for November 21st. Wahoo!!!! I'd post pictures, but, you know, yuck. Maybe if my stomach was flatter :)

I'm nervous that my boss may be taken away from me and I will be left to run this company that he promised to run with me as we "grow old together" not 18 months ago. His soon-could-be boss keeps sending him pictures of the view of the mountains outside his office in Golden, CO and it would be a huge opportunity for my boss, and by that time, this guy would be my boss's boss, and my boss, as I would then have my current boss's job. Does that make any sense? And so its in my head. And sucky. Unless this other guy gets this one job and then maybe I would get my dream job and get to be the boss closer to my family (please, please please). Anyway, stuck in my head on this right now, but it won't even happen until April of 2013 so I can't really lose sleep over it, but I probably will. And its all out of my control. I just don't know if I want to live here and do this job without my boss. My husband plays golf with my boss and another co-worker (who followed my boss here to TX so would surely follow him to CO) and so we'd have like zero friends if they both left. I mean, I'd get my dream job, but I'd be all alone. First woman President in my company and all that. But its not the division I'd ultimately like to run. And its all conjecture. And really, I would love to follow my boss to CO, but there's no way they'd let both of us go. One of has to stay. Keep calm and carry on. And all that. {sigh}

I've been trying to eat healthier. But then I tried two, count em two, Pioneer Woman recipes in the last two days. Okay. The cinnamon rolls are a repeat. And really, not for us, but for my employees. But the egg in the hole, that was all me. And my husband. Oh the butter! Dreadful!

I probably won't post again for awhile, so I should share that I celebrated my 10th anniversary of employment with my company last week, and that my husband and I will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary on Wednesday. Definitely need to start budgeting for a big to-do for next year - we're both thinking TRIP! We're having dinner Saturday night at a restaurant downtown that's somehow in the middle of traffic and you have to take an elevator to get there. I'm sure its not as clandestine as that sounds, but it will still be pretty cool, and thus worthy of a special occasion.