Monday, March 31, 2008

Good for me!


So, today, I did not cave. I was tempted. I crouched in front of the vanity. I hesitated. But I eventually just peed in the toilet, flushing all my first-urine-of-the-day down the drain. So proud of myself!

DH and I have been making pannini's like there's no other food left on earth, which has increased my cheese intake. So, its hard to discern my symptoms or lack thereof. Still have breast pain. Still some slight cramping. Add to that some constipation, but that could just be a symptom of all the cheese!

So hoping I can wait until at least Wednesday to test again, but I may cave in tomorrow. But for today, good for me!

Sunday, March 30, 2008

I caved!


So, this morning, I caved and took the first of those three HPT's under the sink. It was BFN. I reasoned that it would be fun to know before church this morning, in case someone asked. And they asked, but I just said we don't know yet. Because, seriously, this early in the game, what are those tests, like 48% accurate?

It always amazes me what a difference a day makes. And I stupidly bought a digital test, so it just says the words not pregnant. So, I can't even let it sit around all day and then hold it up to the light looking for evaporation lines all afternoon. No, I thought the 3-pack with digital read would be better. What fun is that?!

I'm going to try to wait until at least Wednesday before I test again. Still painful breasts and slight lower abdominal cramping. Oh, and I'm totally over the progesterone suppositories. I'm definitely asking the nurse for something different next month. Yuck!

DH and I went to a friend's son's gymnastics meet this afternoon. And then bought a pannini cookbook at Williams Sonoma. Although tempted, I did not purchase the pannini grill, we just made them on a grill pan. They were pretty delicious. I'm enjoying feeling up to going out and doing things, and not having stim headaches or AF cramps. The waiting is difficult but I like how normal and well I feel during the 2WW.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

How do I know what's going on in there?


Well, I have no idea what's going on inside of me. I feel this way every month. People always ask, which is kind, and all I can say is, I feel fine. I feel normal. A little crampy, but maybe that's gas. Oh wait, is gas a symptom? My boobs hurt, but that happens this time of the month anyway. My abdomen is a lot less sensitive, which has me paranoid that perhaps all that tenderness was ovulation, and what if I'm not reacting to the Ovidrel like I should, and perhaps I ovulated too late, after all the sperm they put in there had already died or floated away. Perhaps my biggest frustration in this whole thing is not knowing what's going on with my own body.

Yesterday, in a one-on-one meeting with the President of our company, I told him I hadn't booked my flights to Houston next month yet because I may have some medical stuff to move around. He knows all about our situation, and so asked what was going on with that. I asked him how much he wanted to know. He replied that he wants to know good news and he's rooting for us, and he's not sure what to ask. Very sweet for him, I know he has a hard time asking people personal questions, and so very much appreciated by me. So, I told him 'we might be' we had a 'procedure' a week or so ago, and I would let him know. I'm constantly amazed by the love of the people around me and their concern for us during this time. We are surrounded by truly amazing people. And are so blessed to have their love and support.

This morning, I volunteered with our local Habitat for Humanity women's build which was a fabulous way to spend my Saturday morning, though I had a hard time getting out of bed. One woman in our group had a sinus headache and had to stay home, and we were all thinking we should have thought of that! But once we got started, the morning flew by and I came away feeling like I had at least done something constructive with my day. Not a huge deal, but something.

I'm trying to decide when I will take my first HPT. Last month, I caved and took one on day 12. Now some people may not say that is caving, but to me, I didn't wait the full 15 days, so I was just getting ahead of myself. My dear friend had a miscarriage this past week, so I am going to visit her this coming weekend, for her birthday. And the actual day of her birthday is my scheduled HPT. So, I think I'm going to move it up just one day to take at home with DH before I leave for the weekend. Will be awkward to be consoling her if I have a BFP, but I'm only cautiously optimistic and so will assume am not PG and we can just drink our infertile sorrows away together after my BFN. But who knows?! Maybe this will be my month.

And although that is a logical plan, I know that I have three HPT's under the sink in there, so I could take one tomorrow, and two more times before I leave. It seems wasteful. They're not free. I should at least wait until Tuesday, right? It's just a huge temptation, and I'm not patient, so I think about 'when will I test?' during the entire 2WW.

Monday, March 24, 2008

So Tired


My abdomen is tender. It feels like something is jabbing me in the ovary every time I stretch or sit down. I'm sure you've felt this with tampons before. No other indication (other than the pretty little presents in my panties from the prometrium suppositories!) that anything is going on with us right now.

But today I am tired of being tired. Tired of being uncomfortable. And kind of getting worried I may not have the energy I need to do this, to try this hard, to do something that other people do without trying every day. I'm just really, really tired.

So, for my tired little soul, I would like for us to get a healthy baby from this month's IUI. I just want to be done with all the treatments and all the nothing.

DH and I are in desperate need of a get away, but I don't know whether or not to plan one. The one weekend he has given me that he will take off will be a week after our beta test. And so, I think I need two plans - what I would want to do if I was pregnant - read and sleep! or what I would want to do if we're not pregnant - drink heavily! And, of course, shoot myself in the stomach and have a headache from the stims! Sigh.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

in the beginning...

In the husband and I thought we would wait until we were "ready" to have kids. I remember the excitement as the date approached for us to go off the pill. I had my annual. I bought an ovulation predictor kit. And we tried to conceive at the right time, every month, for 5 straight months. And every month, I became more depressed and concerned that things weren't right. As my plan year for my flexible spending account was ending, I had some extra money to use up, so I bought a fertility prediction kit from Walgreen's. My husband flunked it.

So, he went to our GP and began a series of tests of his testosterone and SA's. His little swimmers were a sad lot. I imagine two or three drunk, deformed sperm accidentally bumping into each other in a petri dish. Poor guys! The ones that weren't already dead were misshapen, and they couldn't swim. And his testosterone was low. He had a varicocele that was surgically removed. And his counts went up, but not enough. He also was on Clomid for awhile. Yes, he, not me. This was supposed to raise his testosterone, and it did, but again, not enough. So a couple years after we started to get PG, we were finally referred to an RE.

We started our first IVF cycle in September of 2007. I had scheduled my work around this for months and knew it would be physically and emotionally demanding. I had no idea that there would be any problem with me! All of the tests we'd had indicated that I was fine. I ovulated every month, I had no blockages or internal problems in my tubes, ovaries, or uterus. But I didn't respond to the meds with enough follicles to proceed with that cycle, so we cancelled it a few days before ER.

We were devastated. I was tyring to convince myself to stay optimistic, but cautious, so I thought I had guarded myself against being totally emotionally invested in that process. But I was. And it hurt to have to decide not to proceed, but to start again.

Last month, we had our first complete IUI cycle. And a BFN. Today, we are 2dpiui #2. Almost had to cancel this cycle, because I was "too fertile" meaning I had 6 follicles, so they were concerned about multiples. But seriously, when you get 4 years into this, you kind of decide you're barren and there could be 50 eggs in there and you still wouldn't get pregnant.

I may live to regret that decision and be faced with a reduction, but for now, I am again cautiously optimistic that we will conceive this cycle and in about two weeks I'll be staring down at a BFP!!!

Right now, I don't have many symptoms. I have some light cramping, and tenderness in my lower abdomen. I'm trying to find other ways to occupy my time - other than checking for breast tenderness, color on my panties, etc. etc. etc. I'm kind of getting tired of feeling ill all the time. Fertility meds, ovulation, and progresterone supplements have all been kind of kicking my a** for the past six months or so. But I know it will all be over soon enough.

For the future, I would try one more IUI after this, go back to IVF in July and then October. If we do not conceive after two IVF cycles, then I think we should move on to adoption. So, I have until November to prove I can do this. Otherwise, it will be time to move on.