6wk 3d - First Belly Touch

Ok, seriously?! First belly touch this morning at church. And I felt like I jumped back 5 feet once I realized what she was doing. Like I was in the Matrix, and time moved in pixels.

This woman, she's highly functioning but still mentally needy. She lives with her son, who is our age, so she's about the age of my mom. And we sit by her each week, because she doesn't have a lot of friends, and she's just kind of become attached to me. Anyway, I know that her mental illness causes her to have absolutely zero boundaries or filters. She'll do anything or say anything. To anyone. Even in a group. And it can be totally awkward. But other than a hug, she's never touched me before.

I am just 6 weeks along. I'm not showing. I'm just chubby. There's nothing to touch! Except fat rolls. And obviously I don't want anyone to touch my fat rolls.

I hope I didn't hurt her feelings, but I also hope she got the message that all belly touching is off limits from now on!

Labor Day Weekend

Saturday morning. Can't sleep. DH is getting ready for work. This will be, perhaps, the most boring post ever.

I have an appointment at 9am to go get my TB test checked. In the midst of the twin excitement, I forgot to mention that I had my health assessment for our foster care license right after our u/s. Nevermind that I was 20 minutes late, almost forgot to go, and asked every single person who would listen if that darn tb test was safe. (I even checked online when I got home to be sure). Anyway, I can't even tell where they poked me, so I don't think I have TB. And we can check one more thing off the ever-shrinking list of requirements.

After that, if I'm feeling up to it, I thought I might drive across town to the 'other' Old Navy in town and see if perhaps they have a larger maternity section than the one at our mall. My pants are all tight! I could get away with larger pants for awhile, but I want to make a smart investment, perhaps one that will get me all the way through this. My biggest fear right now is that I'm in this leadership program with the city this year, and I have to wear a suit to all those meetings. And they last through the end of November. But I don't necessarily want to drop $500/piece on several new suits when my normal job will let me get by with business casual most of the time. Anyway, a little issue that I've been struggling with. I was hoping if I found some nice maternity trousers, I could wear them with some of my other suit jackets without looking like a refugee. This leadership gig is full of a bunch of people way out of my league (in my head anyway, I haven't met any of them yet) and so I'm nervous about dressing to impress.

Otherwise, my plan this weekend is to get a lot of rest. We have some plans with friends here and there, but since we're staying in town, it doesn't really feel like a holiday. Especially since DH is working today AND Monday. Boo! The only other thing I might attempt is ... a scrapbook page of our first ultrasound pics. It was such a beautiful moment, I'd like to remember as much of it as possible.

***

p.s. Regarding the foster care, I think I decided this week that DH and I will be respite care providers. Since I don't want a kid to have to move when the twins come, and I know the twins will be enough of a challenge, we're going to go ahead and get licensed, and then just provide temporary care for foster parents who need a break, have a family emergency, etc. We may come back to reconsider full time care later in life, but for now, we can still help out, in smaller doses.

6 Weeks No More Spotting!!!!!

Thank you all for your positive thoughts. They totally calmed me down and made me feel better!

I'm afraid you are all going to stop reading my 'wolf crying' blog because I freak out over nothing, but I can't help it!

I think its the biggest symptom of being infertile - never trusting that your body can produce life. And it sucks to be such a worry wart. Please know that I don't enjoy it. It's just that the spotting last night came out of nowhere and completely caught me off guard.

The spotting went away as fast as it had appeared, around 7pm last night. First sighting was a little after 6. Truth be told, it was like three specs between two swipes of the t.p. but it was there. It was real, and I was just sure it was going to get worse.

And as I sat in the RE's waiting room FOREVER this morning, I worried that I was beginning to feel cramping. I imagined the worst, held DH's hand, and was preparing to see an empty womb. Nurse H told me that brown is old, and not to worry. Watch it, but only worry and call if its red. She's so matter of fact, somehow the 'brown is old' thing made me feel immediate relief. So, yay for that.

But on to the good stuff! We saw TWO healthy heartbeats fluttering, and heard them! I was crying! I still can't believe we're pregnant, and now we get two! When Dr VW told us there were two, I just said "No way" I think she was afraid we were upset, but we are delighted. I was so concerned about having a healthy baby, I never thought twins was a possibility, even though I knew there was a 50/50 chance, but still. It's just shocking.

Baby A measures 6wk0d and Baby B measures 6wk1d. They are not concerned about that difference in size, but will of course watch it. And I hugged Dr. VW and Nurse M. They told us all the nurses had been taking bets on how many were in there. Nurse M even told me that everything had gotten better for us since we brought in the new picture of ourselves!

So, productivity is at an all time low here at work. I keep phoning friends, and now I'm updating my blog. I need to go get some lunch. Because apparently, I'm eating for THREE! Holy crap. I'm just so happy to see my babies' heartbeats. They looked so healthy and I just want everything to work out so badly.

Thanking God that things are looking good so far, and that the spotting has stopped. Asking Him to continue the blessings, and to maybe just consider the possibility of never letting me find spots again!

5 Weeks, 6 Days ... Spotting

I just came home from work, peed, wiped, and thought I saw some discoloration on the toilet paper. Jabbed some paper part way in my oowhaa and its definitely pinkish/brown.

I'm spotting.

I can't freaking believe that I'm spotting.

And now I think I might be dizzy. And everything I know says spotting + dizzy = ectopic!

After the three blood tests, and then all the exhaustion yesterday, and my boobs hurting when I hugged a friend at Target today, all signs indicated that things were okay.

So now I'm at home, scouring the internet for evidence that people spotted randomly at week 6, with no complications, no losses, and it was just normal spotting for no bad reason.

Thank GOD I have my ultra sound tomorrow morning, so I don't have to panic for days. Hopefully laying in bed tonight will make it go away and when we go tomorrow everything will be okay.

Please God, protect me and my baby, and make it be okay. Please don't let this mean something's wrong!

5 Weeks, 5 Days

First, I would like to preface this post with the following statement I am not complaining. I am merely documenting my symptoms and telling my story. I am delighted to have symptoms. And grateful to be pregnant.

I was so tired today, even my facial expressions and my mannerisms were sluggish. I was late to work - not because I overslept, had a bad hair day, or couldn't find anything to wear. No, I was late because I couldn't physically move any faster.

I came home at lunch to take a nap and slept for about an hour. And am thinking about taking a pillow with me to work tomorrow - not to sleep at my desk, no, that would be wrong. But because if I sleep in my car at lunch, I would save the 7 minute drive each way for additional napping.

***

We had our final foster care class this evening, and I was sad to see everyone go. It was such a nice group. Our home visit is now scheduled for September 11th. The to-do list is getting shorter, but we still need to try to make a little progress every day so that everything gets done in time. My big concern now has moved from the basement railing (which has two coats of stain and is in need of a third before DH installs it) to the 3-hour first aid class that nobody seems to offer. I forgot to ask our recruiter about that tonight, but will definitely remind her we still need that on the 11th. We're so close!

5 Weeks, 4 Days

Starting yesterday, my symptoms picked up again. My husband's favorite line is, "She's sleeping for two!" to poke fun at all the napping. My response is, "Growing babies is hard work!"

I will N.E.V.E.R. complain about my symptoms. They are my friends, and I welcome them. The more, the merrier!

***

I went to Babies R Us today on my lunch break. I wanted to check out the maternity selection, and purchase a sleeping bra, because, let's face it, the girls need some support and my regular bra hurts after about 20 minutes.

I felt like a total fraud. Like I don't belong there, in a place that sells baby things. It was totally awkward walking around with women with kids, and women who were obviously pregnant. I wonder at what point I will feel legit?!

p.s. Am wearing the new bra right now. It's perfect! And just what I needed. Otherwise, I was going to have to get a cart to drag these things around behind me.

***

Our final night of foster care class is tomorrow night. I will be happy to have that time for sleeping, but will miss the people.

I was diligent on our to-do list this weekend. I finished the child letter, parent letter, scrapbook, and purchased the first aid kits for our vehicles. Why do state regulations have no basis in reality? No single first aid kit had everything we needed. I ended up looking at several stores, and then comparing/contrasting the content lists of several various kits before I finally decided just to get the one I "thought" was close and supplementing with other purchases.

I have my health assessment this Thursday (after the ultra sound appointment). And DH started staining the railing for the basement stairs. We are getting so close!!!!

5 Weeks 2 Days

Bladder pain returned this morning. Hooray!

Psyche is much improved after pep talk from Nurse M yesterday.

Still have anxiety, but sense of doom and gloom has lifted.

Looking forward to bbq at friends' house tonight.

They have three kids, whom I adore, and are expecting their 4th in January.

Anticipate lots of pg talk and sharing - adding a new layer to my friendship with M's wife, J.

Happy to finally be in that club, though I reserve the right to retain my membership in the IF club for life.

5 weeks, 1 day

My beta was 7,523 this morning. It needed to be at least 10x last Friday's 612 (which would have been 6,120). So, Nurse M was pleased. My friend K forced me to at least tell the RE's office about my concerns about the lack of symptoms. Which I hated. But I did. But, as predicted, there is no medical reason to fear anything is wrong, and now I just look like a stupid freak who worries too much! Although, because I am so self-conscious, I prefaced my statement with, I promised my friends I would mention this .... that way it looks like THEY worry too much, not me.

Anyway, I'm going to try to focus on work and not think about it.

Ultrasound is scheduled for next Thursday at 9:15am. Hopefully we will see a heartbeat, and that will calm my fears. I don't want to be an irrational freak. I'm just so afraid something's going to go wrong and I won't know it, because I have no idea what goes on in there.

Sorry for being so needy lately. Can I blame the hormones?

Worried

I woke up again this morning with no bladder pain. Prior to yesterday, I had had bladder pain every single morning around 5:30am since BEFORE the transfer.

I'm worried.

And I'm worried the beta won't be enough to calm my fears. That it will be high enough to give me hope and make it look like everything is okay, but I still won't have my normal symptoms and so then I'll convince myself that something is terribly wrong.

I'm going to try to test the limits of my not-quite-indigestion this morning and 'not' eat any Saltines. Hopefully, I will be miserably nauseas and that will convince me that everything's okay.

I hate being this way, but I can't help it. I rely on those symptoms. I guess waking up in the night meant more to me than I thought. And now I feel like I have nothing. I know this sounds crazy and irrational, but I just had to get my thoughts out, so hopefully I can move on and still have a productive day. I'll be plugging in my beta later today to chart the 'doubling' rate. I'd appreciate any positive energy you could send.

Sick Sick Sick

I am Sick.Sick.Sick. Not morning sick(ness). Well, sort of. But more, sick in the head.

I woke with a start this morning at 6:30am with a start. There was no pain in my bladder. I wasn't wincing as I rolled over. And I was afraid that I wasn't pregnant anymore, because my bladder mysteriously wasn't too full.

Next, I was afraid I wasn't nauseas enough. That I felt 'too good' and should have been more nauseas this morning.

And then, I had a bowel movement. (Sorry, TMI!!!) Not diarrhea, not constipation, but a totally and completely normal bowel movement. A dark cloud begins to cloud the back of my brain....

But I think this is normal, right?

My friend K, who has an ultra sound every.single.Friday because she's so worried of miscarriages, starts freaking out each Wednesday that something's wrong. So, maybe I've caught her disease. Maybe I was just freaking out a little in advance of our beta tomorrow. It's been a week since I saw a doctor. I don't hardly know what to do without a vag cam or blood test to evaluate.

I later talked myself into believing I probably got up and peed in the night, but I just can't keep my nights apart anymore because I get up every night to pee. And I got a little nauseas on the drive to work and had to down some Saltines, so maybe I had the morning heebeegeebee's after all. But I'm still not 100%. There's still a little nagging in the back of my brain that says "Don't be surprised when your beta is 12"

There's just so much that could still go wrong. And I want to be excited about the pregnancy, but I also am afraid it will be taken away from me, that we aren't really going to get our healthy baby. The IF curse. It sucks.

***

My heart goes out to Jen who is 5 days ahead of me in her pregnancy and whose husband died suddenly yesterday. Please go over and give her a hug. I cannot imagine. There are no words.

4 Things

Quick updates all around:

1 - Still seem pregnant. Still not quite nauseas. My nipples hurt at work today. My friend K (who has suffered recurrent miscarriages, and is about 9 weeks pg right now) and I like symptoms. They are reassurance that we are still doing well. So, the more sore the nipples or the more constipated we are, the better. We're sick. I know. My lunch did not sit well, so I had the opposite of consti this afternoon which was not fun. The whole 'relaxin' thing is amazing. How can something the size of a sesame seed wreak so much havoc? It's pretty powerful, that little baby of mine!

2 - Still giving myself injections in the bum. I had a real bleeder tonight, which kind of panicked me for a second, but DH was there with a bandage and some tape so hopefully I don't ruin yet another pair of panties! I 'think' this continues until week 10. So, that's like 5 weeks and 2 days to go!

3 - Second to last foster care class tonight. We scheduled our 'home study' for September 4th so we now have a deadline to motivate us to get the final items on our to-do list accomplished. I will miss our classmates. I think we've all really gotten along well and enjoyed each other during this journey. I will also miss them bringing food to my house on Tuesday nights!

4 - I love my sister for sending me the following message today:

BTW, G is SO excited about you being pregnant and COMPLETELY FASCINATED
with HOW you got preggo now that he knows about the birds and the bees!!!
R wants you to have a boy...with out a doubt...and if you have twins...he wants it
to be TWO boys. As for the rest of us...we're still living in the
moment...being thankful you are in the state that you are...PREGNANT!!!

I have mixed emotions about the whole her telling the kids about our IVF deal that I will explore in another post. I'm not sure I wanted my nieces
and nephews to know this, just because I'm paranoid our kid(s) will be subject to teasing. But I didn't tell anyone about this before hand, so I can't expect to her have known.

Turns out, I had zero motivation yesterday. In fact, I hardly got up off the couch other than for food and potty breaks. DH worked in the basement on converting his hard drive into a new CPU. I told him that I absolutely cannot spend the next 8 months this way. I either need some more energy so I can do stuff, or we need the fall tv season to begin and fill up my Tivo!

Back at work today. At least I had something to do. I ignored the b*tch. She had the audacity to ask how I was feeling. Like I want to discuss my pregnancy symptoms with her. I was feeling down and out, just feeling unhappy at work, until I started realizing how much stress I have been under lately. Like, maybe I deserve a break, and maybe I deserve kind of an emotional letdown after what I've been through. Last week, I had the very positive results of our IVF cycle, but the stress and worry about whether or not we would get the BFP was emotional. Plus, I spent 2 1/2 days with a DOT compliance officer who carried a gun and threatened me several times to shut us down or fine us. He did neither, and its all a part of their game, but its still a mind f*ck that left me pretty vulnerable.

Add to that, that two weeks ago my partner in crime took another position with the company, with my blessing, and so I am finishing up our last project without him. I'm happy for him, but miss having someone that I work so closely with and can lean on. We had worked side by side the past three years, and lived together for the last year before I moved home in February. To say we were close would be a huge understatement. Thankfully, we still talk everyday, and after talking to him this evening, I felt immensely better. And that made me cry. Stupid hormones. But somehow I feel like a tremendous burden was lifted, and I wasn't alone, that he still gets me, and so I can let go of this ridiculous woman who bullied me last week. Tearing up again. Seriously?!

Pregnancy symptoms are pretty non-existent still - if you don't count the crying obviously! I am tired. I can't drink anything other than water, because it gives me heartburn or the thought of it is unappealing. I can't ever figure out what I want to eat, even when I'm hungry, nothing sounds good. Nipples hurt. Some intermittent cramping. And that's it. Still hard to believe its real.

I need to get to the foster care homework. DH and I have about 50 pages to finish up tonight. We always seem to leave it to the last minute.

I rented a bunch of movies Friday to take my mind off the drama at work which kind of worked. I cannot imagine how I'm supposed to make small talk and feign kindness to this woman when I go back on Monday. I'm glad I left it that I didn't trust her and she would have to work to regain my trust. Because I think that will buy me a lot of leeway in avoiding her for awhile.

I don't have much to report. If I hadn't had it confirmed at the doctor, I might not believe I was pregnant. Yes, I'm tired, and yes, I have a condition I like to call 'just shy of indigestion' (i.e. not quite heartburn, not quite nausea) off and on throughout the day. But really, it just seems like there's nothing going on. But when I think about it, I freak out a little bit. I know I've already said this a thousand times, but I just really thought this would never happen. It kinda makes me want to shriek with joy every time I think about it.

The two symptoms combined have me in this state where I've been resting a lot so I kind of have cabin fever at home, but am not quite motivated enough to get up and do anything.

Finally, after lunch yesterday, I talked myself into showering and running some errands. So, I came home from those and made a birthday card for my brother, and a scrapbook page for my mom. I finished the two online courses we are required to take for our foster care license. I even visited friend S. last night w/DH for an hour or so. But I was exhausted after all that activity.

Hoping today I can get the motivation to make more progress around the house on the foster care preparations. We only have two more weeks of class - and my goal is to have all our other tasks completed at that same time, so there's nothinig left to do other than have our home visit with the state!

Emotional Wreck

Second beta this morning - 612. Which appears to be good. So, I go back for my next one next Friday. I don't care how many babies we get as long as they're healthy, but because we put in two embryos, people are apparently dying to know how many we've got cookin. My guess is one.

But because I find it so fascinating when other people do this. Here's a pic:

Also, the drama of the other woman at work was so emotional for me that I had to leave mid-afternoon.

The meeting went well. And I kept my cool and was mature. She (being older and bitchier) attacked me several times, but I refused to stoop to her level. I explained how she had been misinformed or misinterpreted my actions. She made me tear up, which just pisses me off, because I was composed. If it wasn't for the darn hormones, I think I would have been fine. Seriously?! An article in People made me cry earlier today. So, its gotta be the pregnancy effect.

But anyway, as I mentioned yesterday, my boss was never mad at me. We agree that I should not take it personal, because this woman assumes the worst of everyone. And the b*tch apologized for not coming to me and dragging my boss into it. And I put her in her place about 100 times by just explaining the facts, not even mentioning the 10 things I hate about her. And every time I think about it the f word starts flying out of my mouth and/or I start crying, so I had to leave work so I could stop thinking about her and the situation.

Point being: I rock. And everything she accused me of was not based on facts, but on her making inferences from things I did say from which she read statements that were never implied. But I couldn't get past it today, even though I was right and came out of the whole deal smelling like roses, because I am an emotional wreck. Little Mommy as my boss is now calling me, does not like conflict with co-workers and does not like feeling attacked or having to defend herself for doing a kick a** job. So, I decided it would be more productive for me to work from home.

I came home, read the magazine Pregnancy which I had picked up at the grocery store at lunch and cost me $6 and is totally worthless, don't waste your money! And then I read the new People cover to cover which would be a bargain at twice the price. And after I finish this post, I am going to do some testing of a new report the IT department has written. I just had to have a nice transition to ease my emotions back to normal.

p.s. DB = douche bag. Yes, I know, I'm a real class act. But I can't help it. The name SO fits.

I've been tagged.

I couldn't sleep this morning, so I'm up entirely too early and have nothing better to do than catch up on my google reader before my second beta blood draw @ 8:30.

Elana has tagged me with the following.

Here are 6 random things about me:

1) My brothers call me 'the wolf' after the guy who cleans up the dead bodies in the car in Pulp Fiction, because I am so freakishly organized and capable of solving problems in emergencies. And I am proud of this title, proud of my strength under pressure. For example, one of my favorite stories to hear them tell is when my younger brother's fiancee was panicking a month or so before their wedding, and he asked her with all seriousness, Do you want me to call in the wolf?



2) I love any food that consists of tomatoes, cheese, and carbs. Here are a few examples: cheese pizza, tortillas dipped in queso, grilled cheese sandwiches dipped in tomato soup.

3) I hate exercise.

4) I don't like shopping with other people. I will if I don't have anything in particular that I'm looking for or if I'm looking for a gift, but if I need a new purse, new outfit, or something for me, then I can't be bothered with the distraction of other people. I need my freedom!

5) I do NOT have an addictive personality. I can try any substance and never become addicted. And most times never even think about it again. Unlike my siblings. I know this because I tried a lot of substances in high school and college, and here I am, drug free and now that we're pg...alcohol free, caffeine free.

6) Nicknames were always big in my family. And I've extended that to randoms. I love to people watch, and to make up names for people in public or code names for people I'm bashing at the office. The guy who I supposedly destroyed is known in the office as Cory's Brother because he has been in so many fights with this guy ... named Cory. My girlfriends and I, no matter where we go, on what side of town or what kind of event, always run into this woman Prancer who literally prances between tables when she is mingling at bars. We've seen her so many times, we also sometimes refer to her as my stalker. The guy who lives around the corner from us who wears leg warmers, headphones, sunglasses, and cut off shorts and is seen walking everywhere in town is known as The Mall Walker. And my nemesis, the biggest a**hole in the world who ruins everyone's lives but for some reason we never fire is known as DB. 10 points if you can figure out what that stands for.

A Snarky Post

So, totally have to complain about this woman at work, lest you think all I do is have fertility treatments and attend foster care classes. I do actually have a job. And its a big deal, to me.

So, there is this woman in my office, who is new. She's maybe been here a year. And I am the reason her position was created. I am the Organization Development Manager. I conduct needs assessments and that department needed some change. So, I created this position. And the person who filled that position was supposed to enact a bunch of other plans I had laid out. And the person was supposed to have an extremely customer-friendly attitude. So, I had high expectations. But did not actually do the hiring myself, as I was just called back for this assessment portion of the project, while I was living in Houston for another project. I'm dedicated and sh*t.

So, today, my boss tells me that this woman has been complaining to her about me. That's right, not to me, not to my face, but to my boss. And my boss was waiting until the IVF cycle was over, so she could gauge my reaction sans hormones.

Here's the lowdown:

A month or so ago, I considered one of this woman's employees for another opening in our company. When he expressed interest, I told him to tell her first. When he needed to be tested, I asked her permission first. And when he didn't get the job, I told her why and asked her permission before I told him anything about why he wasn't getting the job. Not only did she give me her blessing at every friggin turn, she expanded on my examples of why he shouldn't get the job. So, she knew exactly what I would tell him, and told me that he should already know all of the things I mentioned, because she had brought them up herself.

So, I did. I told him the three things his test showed. I told him that he was very successful, and that he could work for our company for another 20 years without changing a thing about himself. But that if he ever wanted to get a position that I was hiring for, that he would have to work on these three things. He left thanking me, saying he had grown by the experience of interviewing and finding out what I was interested in, etc.

This happened around July 15, and then last week, she complains to my boss that she almost lost this employee and that I destroyed him. She mysteriously neglects to mention the conversation where I expressed my concern that this conversation might cause problems for her, and where she gave me her blessing, and where she gave me additional examples of his behavior to use during the conversation. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?????

Tomorrow, after my second beta, I have a meeting with this woman and my boss to clear up this BULLSH*T.

My first instinct was to write her off. I believe after about 20 minutes of ranting, I finished with, "I'm done." Because she is a backstabbing b*tch. And I should mention, in addition to this issue, she has pissed off other employees and I have had to help her repair relationships with them. I have never defended her, but have always encouraged both sides to figure it out and communicate so we could work through these issues together.

She has already gone over two other managers like myself, complaining to another VP, so my boss (who was never mad at me or questioned my choices or behavior, but was concerned that this woman was undermining me) is beginning to see the pattern and thinks this woman isn't going to make it here and may need to be 'outed' politically sometime soon. The thing is....this woman needs ME to be successful, not the other way around. I have taken her under my wing, have taken her with me on trips, so she could build vital relationships. She asked me for help no less than 3 times today on things that are outside of my job description, but yet totally within my realm of competence. I can't even begin to tell you how pissed I am. But I want to take the high road. And I want to be mature in this meeting, so I need to plan my comments for tomorrow.

OCD me will be having about 1,000 pretend conversations with her in my mind tonight. I need to focus on how disappointed (note: not angry, not ego-driven, but disappointed) I am that she didn't come to me with her concerns. I need to focus on how confused I am that she didn't mention the whole 'blessing' conversation with my boss while she was stabbing me in the back. And I need to focus on how counter-productive it will be for the company if I can't trust her. I probably should not continue to focus on the fact that I think she is a f*cking b*tch!!!!!

Sorry for all the cuss words. I probably need to cut down on that in the next eight months or so. Nobody wants a drunken sailer for their mommy. But cussing feels good. Grrrrrrrr!

Denial? What Denial?

Ok, so denial is a thing of the past. For the following reasons:

1. Beta this morning: 300. Anything over 60 would have been fine. Nurse M says when she calls, How pregnant do you want to be? I go back for another beta this Friday, and again next Friday. U/S will be sometime the week of August 25th where we will see how many are in there, and hopefully some strong, healthy heartbeats. Holy crap! Heartbeats?!
2. Told everyone at work today after confirmed beta. I took an index card and taped one poppy seed to it. I then gathered everyone around and asked them if they could all see, and when they said yes, I told them that was how big my baby is right now! After all the gushing died down, I whipped out a second index card with two poppy seeds, and said, Or maybe this.... Lots of hugs and lots of congratulations. It was a good day to be me!
3. Once the word hit, the internet and phone lines were burning up. I know that my productivity was at an all time low today, but apparently, all my friends in the divisions around the company who have been rooting for us, were also less productive b/c of our beta. Like the world stood still for our little embies!
4. Had lunch to celebrate with BFF here in town, S. Which made my day SO special! We chatted about breast feeding, boppies, and daycare recommendations. I seriously WAS in denial and have not even started to consider all the choices we will need to make. I'm not rushing it either, no sense in getting too ahead of ourselves, but it was fun to connect with someone about pregnancy instead of IF for a change!
5. Morning Sickness. Apparently, I can get thru the morning without puking (so far) but today I delightfully chose not to eat any crackers to see just how bad it would get. That may sound sick and wrong, but I want so desperately to confirm this pregnancy, that I actually wanted to feel the sickness. Now that we've checked that off the list, I'm pretty sure I'll try crackers before I leave the house. I have zero desire to vomit in the trash can in my office. Although I do admit it, I like having a symptom, something that confirms that there is a little poppy seed in there!
6. I teared up twice today. a) while watching some Tivo'd George Lopez on CBS Sunday Morning and hearing his wife tear up about giving him her kidney; and b) driving out of the RE's parking lot after my blood draw. I think the second one was just feeling overwhelmed that this is real.

So, its official, we're pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Denial

I think I am in denial.

I'm having a hard time believing this pregnancy is real.

Perhaps because I have absolutely zero symptoms.

Unless you count the hot flashes.

Because the ones I've had yesterday and today are actually WORSE than the Lupron version.

Which I didn't think was possible.

This could be my slogan, "I'm not a stripper, I just act like one."


More likely, it is because I seriously never thought this day would come, and now that it has, I don't know whether to remain cautious or jump up and down and scream. I'm kind of scizophrenic about it. If I think about the reality of it, I get a little bit scared about childbirth and the responsibility of raising a child. And then I worry that something will happen between now and then, that it won't stick, that I'll delivery premature. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I showed DH the pee sticks this morning. That was fun. He kept trying to leave for work, but thinking up something else we should discuss, and jokingly scoffed, "I'm trying to go to work. Stop distracting me with your pregnancy." And then, because we don't know how many are in there yet, he said "Good bye you two ... or three." How fun is this?!

Beta is still not until Wednesday, so we're not telling anyone until we get those results back.

I still can't hardly believe this happened. I really had given up. I really didn't think it would ever happen.

***

Lest you think the foster care deal is now out of the picture, tsk! tsk! I sincerely believe God is calling us to this ministry, whether or not we have a child of our own.

We made progress this weekend on that, as well. DH installed tot locks in the kitchen, his bath, and mine. It serioulsy took two hours. Poor guy! And the reading of the homework challenge continues. I'm hoping this weekend to tackle the biggest project of them all - installing the railing on the basement stairs. Oh, the horror!

Saturday, Sunday, Monday

5dp5dt

6dp6dt

7dp7dt

6dp5t Holy ****!

I dreamt about POAS last night.

I dreamt I bought a 3-pack and inside were three different kinds of tests. None of them were the same.

One was black like a pager. You remember what those look like, right? And it showed progressive dots for how pregnant you were. Mine had the most dots, like 4, and it shot little graphic fireworks on the screen because I was so pregnant.

The next one looked like those long sticks you can get to floss your back teeth. So, it resembled a pee stick, but I had to pee on this floss-like string on the end.

The third one was a nomal First Response test.

In the dream, I peed all over my fingers trying to get the samples. I remember that I kept worrying I didn't get enough on the stick. And all three tested positive. So, it was a good dream.

But then it got frustrating, because I lost the pager and was searching all over the house for it. When I finally found it, it has stored other people's information in there and it had turned into the itouch and I couldn't log in as myself or find our results under the other people, and DH wouldn't believe me that we were positive until I showed him those results.

I am hesitant to tell you the rest of this story, about where the dream came from. Because it feels premature. And because from here on out, there's a chance I may lose some of you. So, please remember I'm still IF. But I can't keep it to myself....

I was at Target yesterday, and bought a 3-pack of First Response HPT's. And I put them away about 3:45pm under the bathroom sink, in the back where I wouldn't see them. But I knew they were there. And I took one around 5:30.

Ok, I admit it. I have the self control of a 2-year old. Sure I'm all talk when I don't actually have a stick to pee on, but as soon as I've got some in stock, I cave. (Actually, I found an old EPT back there when I was putting them away, so I've had a stick all along and didn't even know it. Silly me.) Back to my story...yes, I am weak. I made it just under two hours.

And its faint, but its there.

Now I've seen evaporation lines before and so I'm a little gun shy. But I don't think evaporation lines show up within the allotted time. So, I didn't tell anyone at dinner last night. And I was still unsure it was really there.

As soon as I woke up this morning, I prayed to God that it would be darker.

So I took another test this morning.

And its darker.

So, I *think* we may have a winner (or two). And I am full of mixed emotions because I actually had kind of given up. I mean, I think that I truly and sincerely believed that this was never going to happen for us. And now that it (maybe) has, well, I'm kind of in denial. And I know that there is still so much that could go wrong. This could be chemical. And after that, we all know, there are a million other hurdles for this little embie to cross. That being said, I've moved from cautiously optimistic to cautiously ecstatic.

I haven't admitted the POAS to DH yet, but I told him I'm pretty sure I am pg, and asked him who all he wanted to tell when we get the beta on Wednesday. That was a fun discussion of who we would tell together, on our own, and how, etc.

So, for now, I'm not telling anyone about the sticks. And we're not confirming anything until beta, but I think ... possibly... I might be ... PREGNANT!!!

Distract Me @ 4dp5dt Dot Com

Here's a list of what I've been doing so far during the dreaded 2ww:

Good Choices

1. Praying first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and sometimes in between.
2. Preparing for a DOT audit at work only to be reminded, sadly and thoroughly, that our divisions are...um...shall we say....laxidasical when it comes to compliance.
3. Adding Regis & Kelly to my Tivo and watching it religiously each night. Why didn't I think of this sooner? I <3>
4. Volunteering for events at church, even though they're on weeknights or will require me to be at church BEFORE the early service. BCD anyone?
5. Getting movitated enough to scrapbook again. I have ordered photos, and even finished one layout for my parents' scrapbook from our family vacation back in May. Now I've only got about a year to catch up in my own book!
6. Making plans with friends for this weekend to see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II which BFF S is calling simply "the pants"
7. NOT POAS!!!!! I'm hoping to hold out til Monday. What do you recommend?

Not So Good Choices

1. Stalking IF blogs and message boards for ER & fertilization reports, but especially 2ww symptoms. And my favorite part of this - looking to see if that person was BFP or BFN and going back to see which symptoms were for real.
2. Obsessing about every little symptom/non-symptom I've got. It goes a little something like this:

Am I constipated? Oh no, maybe I have diarrhea. Is that leg cramp a symptom or did I just pull a muscle rounding this corner? Do my boobs hurt from prometrium or the real deal? Why don't my boobs hurt every day? Why don' they hurt all over? Is that discoloration on the toilet paper or just urine? Does my back hurt because a) I'm PG, b) my boobs are so big and it can't take the pressure, c) I've been scrapbooking at the table instead of laying in bed, d) I damaged a nerve giving myself my PIO shot, or e) I really did hurt it, carrying DOT log books around at work? Why am I breaking out on my chest? Is this a normal cycle breakout, or a symptom? Why can't I remember this happening before? Is that cramping from implantation, menstruation, or constipation? Or do I just have gas?

Get Fuzzy

I have a Get Fuzzy calendar on my desk at work. I'm usually at least 5 days behind in reading them. Lots of times, I keep the comic because I love it so much and it makes me laugh out loud. A few weeks ago, ok, make that a month ago, back on July 5th, the comic made me think of our IF journey. It went something like this:

Setup: Satchel, after weeks of trying to grow seedlings, but always gobbling up the seeds or losing them during some other mishap, is sitting at table, looking glum, staring at a pot of dirt.

Satchel: My seeds aren't growing at all . . .

Rob: Well, you could talk to them. I've heard plants respond to that.

Satchel: Ok...I'd like you to grow little guy ... of course, your odds of survival are like a hundred to one ... and Bucky will probably rip you apart as soon as you poke above the -

Rob: On second thought, don't talk to it.

I have a tendency to be guarded and to want to protect myself during the 2WW - but what if my little embies need some positive energy and need me to talk nice to them? What if I worry about miscarriage and genetic disorders and placenta previa and they pick up on that? So, I'm trying to remain positive, even though from where I sit, the view looks a lot like Satchel's - a pot full of dirt with no clue there's a seed under there.

Embryo Pics!

I have been harrassing, and when I say harrassing, I do indeed mean H.A.R.R.A.S.S.I.N.G. anyone who will listen in my office today with the pics below.

I am indeed a huge nerd! How do I know? Who else would keep pestering everyone with both pictures (top is the two embies they put in yesterday, bottom is me at 2 days) and asking them if they see the resemblance. I insist they've got my mouth!

This mostly results in rolled eyes from my office mates and hysterical laughter and thigh slapping on my part.

Hopefully you will find it as hilarious and fabulous as I do!

High Noon (or: what I did on my Monday vacation)

I'm at home, enjoying an afternoon of TLC (the channel, not actual care). We had our fabulous Day 5 transfer around 12:30pm today. Don't you agree that Jon & Kate Plus 8 is good mojo for implantation?????

We had 3 fabulous embryos, 2 of which they transferred today. The other one, they froze. The other 3 not-quite-fabulous embryos were not good enough to freeze today, but they'll give them one more day before the embryologist makes a final deterination on their viability.

Dr VW tried to talk me into having just one transferred, but gave that up when I started to cry. I gave her the ol' 'you could put 20 in me and they still wouldn't take' with some tearing up and weepy voice. And it wasn't even a fake cry - just the truth.

So, you all know these numbers by now I'm sure, but here goes, just because they're so hopeful:

• 60-70% chance of pregnancy
• 50% chance of twins
• 5% of triplets

There was a resident in the room during the procedure today. She held the tummy cam. I asked her if she liked my bruises. She was from Iowa (as am I), so there were good vibes there. She also kept me company while we waited for the doctor, and I tried not to pee. My bladder was perfectly full, and it was uncomfortable, but not painful.

I was very happy that Dr VW was there today (she would not have been on Saturday). She has been so good to us since last fall, and you just never know which of the 4 doctors you'll end up with in these procedures, so I was relieved when I saw her walk in the room.

Dr VW made me have a nurse draw bullseyes on my rear end before letting me go home, because I told her I was giving myself the PIO shots. Apparently, you can give yourself nerve damage, so I obliged. But am proud to say that my three red dots from the injections I have already given myself all fell within the bullseye.

And Nurse M called a little while after I got home to tell me she heard it went well, to congratulate me, wish me well, etc.

I will take the picture of my embryos to work tomorrow and have someone scan them in for me, so I can post them here. They're kind of a big deal.

I waited all morning for Nurse M to call. I fretted about going to church and possibly missing the call. We ran errands. I checked my phone each time we left the car, or left a store. Still no call.

I guess I've been spoiled lately, because DH had to remind me of the message system. And sure enough (and thankfully before I called the emergency after hours number) M had left me a message there.

Retrieval is scheduled for 12:00 tomorrow. Check in is at 11:30. I need to take my ibuprofen and have my water drank by 11:00. Stingy me, I think I will go in to work at 7 and then only have to take a 1/2 day of vacation!

She did not give an updated report on the quality of our embryos, but I must assume they are progressing nicely.

Since I did not have my transfer yesterday and was not on bed rest, I managed to put together the dresser and the crib for the nursery. (for the foster children). I love both furniture pieces. But I hated the rocking chair we had purchased, so we returned that yesterday. And today found the most beautiful ivory chenille rocking chair and rocking ottoman which I am 'breaking in' as I type this. So, here I sit in the partially finished nursery enjoying the view of the furniture I put together and that will be home for a little one in just over a month. I kinda like it in here!

Other check list items accomplished - I installed 4 smoke detectors, and DH is finishing up the floor plan right now. That's two items off the list. Probably time to start our reading for this week. We've only got about 100 pages to read by Tuesday night.

But what I really wanted to tell you about was this - I have been struggling with the 'what if' scenario this week. What if this IVF cycle doesn't work for us? What if God doesn't want us to have our own children? What if we keep fighting Him on that and all we get is heartbreak?

So, in church today, the sermon was about all that you must give up in order to be a Disciple, how you must love God more than anyone else in your family - your husband, or your children. What if I need to love God more than I love the idea of carrying my own child?

Pause and let that one sink in.

What if I gave it my best, and I tried really hard, but this just isn't meant to be? Can I let go of 'my' dream to have a child and embrace God's plan, whatever that might be? I know he is calling us to be foster parents. I know it. I do not know that he is calling us to have biological children.

What if God is telling me that I need to give up this pregnancy deal?

I don't want to wrestle with God on this. I don't want to fight a losing battle. I want to submit. And to get to the part where I'm happy and peaceful because I'm following God's will. And I know He will give me the strength to let go, if that's what I need to do. But I haven't heard him tell me 'no' yet and this cycle has gone so well. I still have hope that THIS is his plan for us, that we were meant to do this IVF cycle at this time, just like this.

But if it doesn't work, then I want to be ready to give it up. I don't know that I will be, but I want to be. If this cycle doesn't work, will I be strong enough to let go and not try again? Or will the optimism of how well this has gone convince me to keep going?

I wish I knew what God wanted. I might not like it, but at least I would know where I stood.

Let's Make that Day 5....

Nurse M called this morning. Apparently, I have too many excellent eggs and they are moving us back to a 5-day transfer - on Monday. I don't know yet what time. She'll call me back tomorrow.

So, instead of bed rest today, I'm going to tackle some stuff on our 'to do' list.

Downside is that instead of getting to do this on a weekend day, I will have to use another sick day from work (which I would rather save up for my non-paid maternity leave). Upside is greater odds for positive beta on the 13th.

Day 3 Transfer

Nurse M called today. This morning actually. We have 1 excellent, 2 good, and 3 fair embryos. All six are still viable - nobody self destructed overnight. RE's ofice has scheduled us for a day 3 transfer tomorrow morning at 10:15am.

They are still stuck on transferring only two embryos because of my young age (a mere 31). And so if they can't decide tomorrow which embryo is the better of the 2 'good' ones, then they may push us back to a day 5 transfer once we get there. So, we may go in tomorrow and then be sent home. Or at least that's what they think. Because if they can't decide which is the better, I might just try to get them to put in all three. But I'm going to decide that tomorrow in the moment, not now.

Tonight will be my first ever PIO shot. I'm a little nervous for one reason and one reason only - the fear of the needle scraping bone. Which is totally irrational because my bum is totally and without a doubt bigger than 1.5 inches deep. But I keep 'feeling' it in my brain and its like nails on a chalkboard. I'm going to give it to myself and then let DH rub it in so he will get to be involved. I can't stand the thought of him poking me with a needle, so I will be in the bathroom, foot on stool. Wish me luck!

My biggest problem right now is the fact that I will have to drink all that water (36 ounces) before the transfer tomorrow and not empty my bladder. Normally, I have to pee after a can of pop. And this week I've been up several times each night, because of the swelling in my ovaries pushing against my bladder its pickier than normal and painful to hold it through the night! How am I ever going to do this? I may wet myself. I'm not sure. So, I'm concerned about this, but will give it my best. I know its important to have a full bladder for optimal placement of the embryo(s). My boss suggested slamming the water about 10 minutes before check in. So, I might try that. But we have 30 minutes between check in and the procedure. You can bet I'll be crossing my legs!

Thanks, everyone, for your continued well wishes. It really is exciting to be this far in the process. Kind of hard to stay detached at this point. I mean, tomorrow, I'm going to be looking at MY embryos. That's really amazing and powerful!

***

My friend K went to her doctor's appointment today and was able to hear the heartbeat. Thanks to those of you who were worried about her, like me. I'm so happy for her. But also cautious, as well, because she's lost babies after hearing heartbeats before. Poor thing. But for now, all is well, and that is GREAT news!

***

In foster care news, DH and I need to get our butts in gear and start on our reading. We've been kind of slacking this week. I'm also hoping that DH will work on some foster care checklist items this weekend - like putting together the crib and dresser that arrived; and returning the rocking chair that is way too uncomfortable to keep, or perhaps installing the smoke detectors I bought weeks ago, or even finishing the floor plan of our home that we started last weekend. Yes, he has a lot on his plate while I'm laying in bed, resting and trying to implant some babies! Okay, maybe just one.