Sunday, August 3, 2008

I waited all morning for Nurse M to call. I fretted about going to church and possibly missing the call. We ran errands. I checked my phone each time we left the car, or left a store. Still no call.

I guess I've been spoiled lately, because DH had to remind me of the message system. And sure enough (and thankfully before I called the emergency after hours number) M had left me a message there.

Retrieval is scheduled for 12:00 tomorrow. Check in is at 11:30. I need to take my ibuprofen and have my water drank by 11:00. Stingy me, I think I will go in to work at 7 and then only have to take a 1/2 day of vacation!

She did not give an updated report on the quality of our embryos, but I must assume they are progressing nicely.

Since I did not have my transfer yesterday and was not on bed rest, I managed to put together the dresser and the crib for the nursery. (for the foster children). I love both furniture pieces. But I hated the rocking chair we had purchased, so we returned that yesterday. And today found the most beautiful ivory chenille rocking chair and rocking ottoman which I am 'breaking in' as I type this. So, here I sit in the partially finished nursery enjoying the view of the furniture I put together and that will be home for a little one in just over a month. I kinda like it in here!

Other check list items accomplished - I installed 4 smoke detectors, and DH is finishing up the floor plan right now. That's two items off the list. Probably time to start our reading for this week. We've only got about 100 pages to read by Tuesday night.

But what I really wanted to tell you about was this - I have been struggling with the 'what if' scenario this week. What if this IVF cycle doesn't work for us? What if God doesn't want us to have our own children? What if we keep fighting Him on that and all we get is heartbreak?

So, in church today, the sermon was about all that you must give up in order to be a Disciple, how you must love God more than anyone else in your family - your husband, or your children. What if I need to love God more than I love the idea of carrying my own child?

Pause and let that one sink in.

What if I gave it my best, and I tried really hard, but this just isn't meant to be? Can I let go of 'my' dream to have a child and embrace God's plan, whatever that might be? I know he is calling us to be foster parents. I know it. I do not know that he is calling us to have biological children.

What if God is telling me that I need to give up this pregnancy deal?

I don't want to wrestle with God on this. I don't want to fight a losing battle. I want to submit. And to get to the part where I'm happy and peaceful because I'm following God's will. And I know He will give me the strength to let go, if that's what I need to do. But I haven't heard him tell me 'no' yet and this cycle has gone so well. I still have hope that THIS is his plan for us, that we were meant to do this IVF cycle at this time, just like this.

But if it doesn't work, then I want to be ready to give it up. I don't know that I will be, but I want to be. If this cycle doesn't work, will I be strong enough to let go and not try again? Or will the optimism of how well this has gone convince me to keep going?

I wish I knew what God wanted. I might not like it, but at least I would know where I stood.


Duck said...

Good luck tomorrow. Day 5' s have a better chance of surviving and implanting then any others! I have a good feeling. take care

Faithful Infertile said...

Just wanted to say good luck! And, I totally know what you mean about trusting in God. My prayers have changed from "God, please give us a baby" to "God, your will be done." It's hard, but you just have to trust in Him.

JamieD said...

Good luck with your transfer!!

I know what you mean about your walk with God. I often struggle with the thought that I don't want my relationship with God to be contingent on me getting pregnant but it is something I want so badly.