Thursday, August 21, 2008

Sick Sick Sick

I am Sick.Sick.Sick. Not morning sick(ness). Well, sort of. But more, sick in the head.

I woke with a start this morning at 6:30am with a start. There was no pain in my bladder. I wasn't wincing as I rolled over. And I was afraid that I wasn't pregnant anymore, because my bladder mysteriously wasn't too full.

Next, I was afraid I wasn't nauseas enough. That I felt 'too good' and should have been more nauseas this morning.

And then, I had a bowel movement. (Sorry, TMI!!!) Not diarrhea, not constipation, but a totally and completely normal bowel movement. A dark cloud begins to cloud the back of my brain....

But I think this is normal, right?

My friend K, who has an ultra sound every.single.Friday because she's so worried of miscarriages, starts freaking out each Wednesday that something's wrong. So, maybe I've caught her disease. Maybe I was just freaking out a little in advance of our beta tomorrow. It's been a week since I saw a doctor. I don't hardly know what to do without a vag cam or blood test to evaluate.

I later talked myself into believing I probably got up and peed in the night, but I just can't keep my nights apart anymore because I get up every night to pee. And I got a little nauseas on the drive to work and had to down some Saltines, so maybe I had the morning heebeegeebee's after all. But I'm still not 100%. There's still a little nagging in the back of my brain that says "Don't be surprised when your beta is 12"

There's just so much that could still go wrong. And I want to be excited about the pregnancy, but I also am afraid it will be taken away from me, that we aren't really going to get our healthy baby. The IF curse. It sucks.

My heart goes out to Jen who is 5 days ahead of me in her pregnancy and whose husband died suddenly yesterday. Please go over and give her a hug. I cannot imagine. There are no words.


Elana Kahn said...

Don't worry...there are plenty of times when I "forget" that I'm pregnant because my symptoms are gone. But then they come back...and then they leave...and come back...etc. They're not constant. I'm 5w 2d today, and I don't know if they get more constant as I go along or if I just don't notice them when I'm busy doing other things. Either way, you're not going crazy! IF can make you wonder all sorts of things, but try not to worry too much about the little bean. With hCG levels that are normal, it's a good sign.

Kymberli said...

Not easy, that's for sure. The coming and going of pregnancy symptoms can make one crazy, for sure! I don't think it's sick. It's normal!

sushilover said...

I hear you sister! Thanks for following my blog. Since we are so close in weeks we'll have to compare notes. I wish I could give you some magic symptom list that confirms everything is going okay but I have no clue what a successful pregnancy is like. I do know that with this pregnancy I am feeling by far less cramping. The cramps were forever persistent in all of my miscarriages...and strong over weeks on end. Since you haven't mentioned anything like that I'm thinking you've got a winner! :) Hang in there.