Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Marital Strife

10 more days! 10 more days!

I remember when my BFF/K was closing in on her due date earlier this month (it is still March, right?) that she got to the point where she almost hated her husband, believed he hated her, etc. etc. etc. He could not do anything right, and she would go entire days without speaking to him. I think that just happens to some women in late pregnancy.

I guess it was bound to happen to me eventually.

Today, I walked in the house at lunch, and thought, I'm not sure I want to be married to T anymore. Now of course, I do. He is my best friend. I would be lost without him. And at least half of the fun of this pregnancy has been dreaming about all the adventures we will have as parents, together. So, I do, but sometimes he really pisses me off and I don't.

We are both under a lot of stress right now. If you've read anything on this blog, then I'm sure you've picked up the fact that my husband works entirely too much. I can't remember how much I've shared about what and I'm too lazy to read my old posts to check, so let's just say his job is a serious issue in our marriage.

Earlier this year, I got him to agree to leave this job effective June 1 or sooner, if he finds something before then. And he has since that time been looking for another job. And he's kind of obsessed with it. He's had some interviews and is still in the running for a job he really wants, so I think given the economy that his job search has gone well.

But in case it doesn't go well, I have told him he can stay home, watch the boys, and collect unemployment. And I fully support him taking his time and finding a family friendly job. I make enough money to support us both. We'll be okay. But he's stressing. Which I understand. But he is also still working the insane hours at his current employer. So, the poor man has a needy wife who is home on bedrest, the stress of trying to find a new job, the worry of becoming a father, the perceived need to continue to work his ass off because his partner gives him shit for not working as much as he does, etc. etc. etc. He's under a lot of stress. I get that.

But I don't think he can use his stress as an excuse to blow off priorities in his family life. Case in point, and the source of my current mental state: Sunday evening (when he got home from work, yes, he was working on Sunday) he notices that our hot water heater is leaking. So, I immediately call our friend B who is a plumber and get his advice, and determine that B will install a new water heater for us Tuesday (today). So, I ask my DH if he wants to go to Home Depot to pick one out Monday morning or evening. He picks evening. Fine.

Well, then DH proceeds to work until 8 last night, not leaving early, not even mentioning to his partner that he would like to leave early. Calls me on the way home expecting pity that his day ran long. Fuck that. I'm sure I was a snot, pissed that he blew off our trip to get a new water heater, and explaining that I am 9 frickin months pregnant and home on bed rest, and I seriously cannot fathom why he thinks I would want to go shopping for hot water heaters at 9:00 at night.

So, after he does get home and gets settled in, I basically bitch at him for the rest of my waking hours about a million things and how I don't want him to beat himself up about how he's let me down yet again but how I want to see a change in his behavior. Stop picking your fricking dead end job over your wife. We have twins coming any day, and I don't want to have to worry about anything while I'm at the hospital. What if I go into labor tonight? What if the water heater floods the basement? What if? What if? What if? Please get your head out of your a** and step up. Please just understand that I'm already worrying about everything else, and I can't count on you (at which point I list about a billion things that have been delegated to him that I end up having to do myself because he never gets them done) and on and on and on I went.

I'm sure it was the perfectly shitty end to a crappy day for him. I'm sure it wasn't what a loving, supportive wife would do. But I'm 9 months pregnant with twins, and I'm using it. I am so sick of carrying the weight by myself and his I forgot or I got busy or whatever bullshit is getting old. Just fucking suck it up and fix it. Stop blowing off your obligations to me. Stop picking your job over me. Step up and do your part.

He does a lot of things so well already. He carries my laundry up and down the stairs. He takes the dog to the groomer. He takes out the trash. He washes dishes because I can't reach the sink. He gets things down that are up high. He gets up to get me things so I don't have to. He rubs my feet. He brings me treats from my favorite bakeries.

But it's these big things that really matter. I don't count on him to do all the little things, but I do count on him to follow through on his promises when I ask him to do something or when we have plans to do something together. His biggest fault is not estimating time well and always being late or having to miss plans because he overcommitted or just plain forgot to do what he's committed to doing. Those are the ones that are driving me nuts right now.

And I guess when I walked in the door, it just reminded me of our conversations last night, and I'm just really really tired of having the same conversation over and over again. I really hope the birth of his boys or leaving this job helps him to change, because I'm just so tired of being disappointed in him. But there's always the chance I'll have more patience once I'm not hopped up on pregnancy hormones anymore. Then again, I may have less when I have two more little boys who are wholly dependent on me, as well.


She said...

You completely deserve to be pissed. I know what you mean about how you would never want to be without him, but that doesn't mean you have to love everything that he does. (Plus, you don't have to feel bad about complaining about him occasionally. It happens...)

G$ said...

10 more days!!

It's probably mostly hormones, but a lot of it is valid too. He is probably under an enormous amount of stress too. I hope things fall into place after the boys arrive.

I remember mentioning something similiar to M about quitting his shitty job when I was pg with William. It completely freaked him out, it was the 1 thing in his life he could control (even though he was getting shit on).

Hang in there hun, things have a way of working themselves out.

JamieD said...

I am so sorry you are feeling this way but I completely understand where you are coming from. They are all serious issues and very valid comlaints.

I hope you both find some peace in your lives soon. Okay - that sounds weird. Twins do not equal peace. How about, I hope when the twins get here he realizes just how badly he needs to priortize.

Thinking of you.