Sunday, March 29, 2009

Extreme Body Dysmorphia

Before I begin on the subject at hand, I want to just say that I am *so* grateful to be here, today, still pregnant. Since I've been stuck in the house for the past 24 hours, I have been reading other peoples' blogs - still one of my all time favorite activities for mental well being! - and so many of them have had preemies and had their babies spend time in the NICU. I cannot imagine the roller coaster they endured, and the pain of watching your little one arrive too early.

We could still have health problems when these boys arrive, I know that's true, but I feel so blessed to have made it to today (36w, 3d) and know that even if my boys were to arrive today, that we will have had a really great pregnancy.

G.R.A.T.E.F.U.L.

***

That being said, I am beginning to really have some body issues. This is totally disgusting, so if you have weak stomach, you may wish to skip this post. I will not be offended, but I have to just get this off my chest.

Up until now, my biggest issue was my swollen feet/ankles. Of course, I don't like the stretch marks, but they're hidden underneath a shirt and I had stretch marks before, so no big deal. I didn't know how lucky I had it!

I had been noticing more space between my breasts and belly, but there was no denying the babies had dropped when earlier this week I noticed that I needed to physically 'lift' my lower belly to put my legs together to balance the laptop. That in and of itself may not seem disgusting. Oh, poor me, I had to lift my lower belly.

Well, this lower belly is like a big gloppy mess of all the fat that used to be my stomach. And the shape, oh the shape. Picture a big pregnant belly, with a fu-man-chu (FMC) of skin at the bottom. Seriously, it is like a cone-shaped glob of belly. It jiggles. And unfortunately, it has to spend a lot of time exposed because my pajama pants are most comfortably warn below this disgusting flab of skin.

Not gross enough? My FMC is also in the way when I attempt to go potty. Mostly, it is in the way when I attempt to wipe my bottom. Yes, I mostly wipe from the back, as is customary and the most hygienic route. But my arm only reaches so far in either direction, so there are times when a front wipe is required. And if the FMC is not pulled out of the way (which is painful, btw) then it gets some residue in the process. So FRICKING gross!

I try to imagine Dr. C cutting through the FMC for our section and hope he cuts below. It will take him hours to saw through it, let alone sew it back together. Maybe he could just remove it while he's down there?

Alas, my biggest fear is that these boys will arrive (in 12 days or less!) and the FMC will remain. I don't care if we have to live in my car to pay for the procedure. I cannot live with this thing. I WILL have it surgically removed.

Again, still grateful to be here. And if a tummy tuck is required because of these darling boys, then so be it. But I hate that particular part of my body right now.

One last note ... I think my uterus is defective. Doesn't it know that 13 pounds is too big? Doesn't it realize that it shouldn't be sitting on my legs? Shouldn't it at least attempt to evict these little buggers? But no, only 1-3 contractions per day. Even my breasts have caught on, because I had some leakage last night on the left. But ye ole uterus is still going strong. I'm so proud of her, but I also hate her a little bit, too.

2 comments:

Elana Kahn said...

LOL I have the FMC too (and I'm postpartum now). It's going to take a while for your belly to get back to "normal" and I REALLY hope that lower fat/skin roll goes away (for both of us). You are amazing to have made it to 36 1/2 weeks! I delivered at 35 and my twins are doing great, thank G-d. You should have nothing to worry about for your delivery. :-)

JamieD said...

Just think - you are already such a good momma, your boys don't want to leave!

I can imagine the body issues that would come with carrying twins. Honestly, just the thought of what a disaster my own body is going to be is enough to make me throw up in my mouth a little.

I still can't believe you are past 36 weeks - you rock!