Marital Strife

10 more days! 10 more days!

I remember when my BFF/K was closing in on her due date earlier this month (it is still March, right?) that she got to the point where she almost hated her husband, believed he hated her, etc. etc. etc. He could not do anything right, and she would go entire days without speaking to him. I think that just happens to some women in late pregnancy.

I guess it was bound to happen to me eventually.

Today, I walked in the house at lunch, and thought, I'm not sure I want to be married to T anymore. Now of course, I do. He is my best friend. I would be lost without him. And at least half of the fun of this pregnancy has been dreaming about all the adventures we will have as parents, together. So, I do, but sometimes he really pisses me off and I don't.

We are both under a lot of stress right now. If you've read anything on this blog, then I'm sure you've picked up the fact that my husband works entirely too much. I can't remember how much I've shared about what and I'm too lazy to read my old posts to check, so let's just say his job is a serious issue in our marriage.

Earlier this year, I got him to agree to leave this job effective June 1 or sooner, if he finds something before then. And he has since that time been looking for another job. And he's kind of obsessed with it. He's had some interviews and is still in the running for a job he really wants, so I think given the economy that his job search has gone well.

But in case it doesn't go well, I have told him he can stay home, watch the boys, and collect unemployment. And I fully support him taking his time and finding a family friendly job. I make enough money to support us both. We'll be okay. But he's stressing. Which I understand. But he is also still working the insane hours at his current employer. So, the poor man has a needy wife who is home on bedrest, the stress of trying to find a new job, the worry of becoming a father, the perceived need to continue to work his ass off because his partner gives him shit for not working as much as he does, etc. etc. etc. He's under a lot of stress. I get that.

But I don't think he can use his stress as an excuse to blow off priorities in his family life. Case in point, and the source of my current mental state: Sunday evening (when he got home from work, yes, he was working on Sunday) he notices that our hot water heater is leaking. So, I immediately call our friend B who is a plumber and get his advice, and determine that B will install a new water heater for us Tuesday (today). So, I ask my DH if he wants to go to Home Depot to pick one out Monday morning or evening. He picks evening. Fine.

Well, then DH proceeds to work until 8 last night, not leaving early, not even mentioning to his partner that he would like to leave early. Calls me on the way home expecting pity that his day ran long. Fuck that. I'm sure I was a snot, pissed that he blew off our trip to get a new water heater, and explaining that I am 9 frickin months pregnant and home on bed rest, and I seriously cannot fathom why he thinks I would want to go shopping for hot water heaters at 9:00 at night.

So, after he does get home and gets settled in, I basically bitch at him for the rest of my waking hours about a million things and how I don't want him to beat himself up about how he's let me down yet again but how I want to see a change in his behavior. Stop picking your fricking dead end job over your wife. We have twins coming any day, and I don't want to have to worry about anything while I'm at the hospital. What if I go into labor tonight? What if the water heater floods the basement? What if? What if? What if? Please get your head out of your a** and step up. Please just understand that I'm already worrying about everything else, and I can't count on you (at which point I list about a billion things that have been delegated to him that I end up having to do myself because he never gets them done) and on and on and on I went.

I'm sure it was the perfectly shitty end to a crappy day for him. I'm sure it wasn't what a loving, supportive wife would do. But I'm 9 months pregnant with twins, and I'm using it. I am so sick of carrying the weight by myself and his I forgot or I got busy or whatever bullshit is getting old. Just fucking suck it up and fix it. Stop blowing off your obligations to me. Stop picking your job over me. Step up and do your part.

He does a lot of things so well already. He carries my laundry up and down the stairs. He takes the dog to the groomer. He takes out the trash. He washes dishes because I can't reach the sink. He gets things down that are up high. He gets up to get me things so I don't have to. He rubs my feet. He brings me treats from my favorite bakeries.

But it's these big things that really matter. I don't count on him to do all the little things, but I do count on him to follow through on his promises when I ask him to do something or when we have plans to do something together. His biggest fault is not estimating time well and always being late or having to miss plans because he overcommitted or just plain forgot to do what he's committed to doing. Those are the ones that are driving me nuts right now.

And I guess when I walked in the door, it just reminded me of our conversations last night, and I'm just really really tired of having the same conversation over and over again. I really hope the birth of his boys or leaving this job helps him to change, because I'm just so tired of being disappointed in him. But there's always the chance I'll have more patience once I'm not hopped up on pregnancy hormones anymore. Then again, I may have less when I have two more little boys who are wholly dependent on me, as well.

Extreme Body Dysmorphia

Before I begin on the subject at hand, I want to just say that I am *so* grateful to be here, today, still pregnant. Since I've been stuck in the house for the past 24 hours, I have been reading other peoples' blogs - still one of my all time favorite activities for mental well being! - and so many of them have had preemies and had their babies spend time in the NICU. I cannot imagine the roller coaster they endured, and the pain of watching your little one arrive too early.

We could still have health problems when these boys arrive, I know that's true, but I feel so blessed to have made it to today (36w, 3d) and know that even if my boys were to arrive today, that we will have had a really great pregnancy.

G.R.A.T.E.F.U.L.

***

That being said, I am beginning to really have some body issues. This is totally disgusting, so if you have weak stomach, you may wish to skip this post. I will not be offended, but I have to just get this off my chest.

Up until now, my biggest issue was my swollen feet/ankles. Of course, I don't like the stretch marks, but they're hidden underneath a shirt and I had stretch marks before, so no big deal. I didn't know how lucky I had it!

I had been noticing more space between my breasts and belly, but there was no denying the babies had dropped when earlier this week I noticed that I needed to physically 'lift' my lower belly to put my legs together to balance the laptop. That in and of itself may not seem disgusting. Oh, poor me, I had to lift my lower belly.

Well, this lower belly is like a big gloppy mess of all the fat that used to be my stomach. And the shape, oh the shape. Picture a big pregnant belly, with a fu-man-chu (FMC) of skin at the bottom. Seriously, it is like a cone-shaped glob of belly. It jiggles. And unfortunately, it has to spend a lot of time exposed because my pajama pants are most comfortably warn below this disgusting flab of skin.

Not gross enough? My FMC is also in the way when I attempt to go potty. Mostly, it is in the way when I attempt to wipe my bottom. Yes, I mostly wipe from the back, as is customary and the most hygienic route. But my arm only reaches so far in either direction, so there are times when a front wipe is required. And if the FMC is not pulled out of the way (which is painful, btw) then it gets some residue in the process. So FRICKING gross!

I try to imagine Dr. C cutting through the FMC for our section and hope he cuts below. It will take him hours to saw through it, let alone sew it back together. Maybe he could just remove it while he's down there?

Alas, my biggest fear is that these boys will arrive (in 12 days or less!) and the FMC will remain. I don't care if we have to live in my car to pay for the procedure. I cannot live with this thing. I WILL have it surgically removed.

Again, still grateful to be here. And if a tummy tuck is required because of these darling boys, then so be it. But I hate that particular part of my body right now.

One last note ... I think my uterus is defective. Doesn't it know that 13 pounds is too big? Doesn't it realize that it shouldn't be sitting on my legs? Shouldn't it at least attempt to evict these little buggers? But no, only 1-3 contractions per day. Even my breasts have caught on, because I had some leakage last night on the left. But ye ole uterus is still going strong. I'm so proud of her, but I also hate her a little bit, too.

The Final Two Week Wait

So, I just realized today that we are in our FINAL two week wait!

Two weeks from today, I will have an empty belly and an overflowing heart!

Holy Shit. I'm going to be in the hospital for the first time ever. I'm going to have my first major surgery. I'm gonna be a mom. To not one, but two babies. Seriously, that is insane!

***

A blizzard of sleet did arrive here in Kansas today with at least a foot of snow expected before it stops late tomorrow. And it sucks.

I was all but escorted out of the building by my boss and various colleagues. About 11am they kind of filed in one after another with such friendly thoughts as Why are you still here? Will you please go home? and You'd better not be here when I get back from lunch. One VP even called me about 30 minutes after I left to verify that I had made it home and offered to run any errands I had or come by the house if I needed anything. I do not deserve their kindness!

Thankfully, my husband is not working tomorrow. So, at least I can be stuck at home with him.

He is working on Sunday, but that's a shorter day, plus its supposed to be above freezing by then so maybe I can get out of the house.

I'm itching to make some fleece blankets for some relatives who are expecting babies, which will require getting to the fabric store to pick up some fleece.

Ok, I have heartburn and the Tums are apparently by my other bed - the couch - so I must go get some.

36 Weeks!!!!!!

So, today, we have officially reached the 36-week milestone. Yay for us!

Sono and OB appointments today. The boys are now 6lbs, 6oz and 6lbs, 11oz. If you think that is crazy big with 15 days to go - SO DO I ! Baby B gained a whole pound in the past 9 days. So, no more oreos for them!

Our c section is officially scheduled for 9:30am on Friday, April 10th. We go two hours ahead of that, and no food or drinks after midnight the night before. Am pleased its in the morning, but not at the Butt Crack of Dawn, because I really didn't want to have to be there before the sun came up.

Dr C was scoping out the landscape today on my tummy as to where and how he's going to cut me. I love the man to death and trust him with my life, but I was unnerved by this notion. And grossed out, because my belly is just this huge monstrous thing right now, which is beautiful because my boys are in there, but is also just really gross, when its like your body, but its not.

***

In other news, the forecast is for 4-7 inches of snow tomorrow, which is fine because the ground is not frozen, so it should just melt and be muddy, right? On the other hand, the only shoes I can cram my bloated feet into are flip flops, so I'm not really looking forward to having frozen, muddy toesies at the office tomorrow. Perhaps I can shove them into some shoes for the short walk from the parking lot into the building.

Perspective

My friend G$ helped me to take a trip down memory lane on Friday. I read through all of my blog posts from our IVF cycle last summer. And it was AMAZING perspective that I needed as I head into the final weeks of this pregnancy.

I am SO.GLAD that I have this blog as a reminder of how far we've come. Really. Truly. Grateful. for all of the blessings in our life!

***

Secondly, I must admit that I am beginning to become uncomfortable. No, seriously, for the first time, there is no position that relieves it. These are some big babies in my belly!

I woke up this morning and had to have a 30-minute pity party for myself before I could get up (off the couch). The babies have somehow moved down, and yet remain firmly lodged in my ribs, so I had pain all over. And the couch, which used to prevent most hip pain, is no longer quite soft enough to prevent that particular discomfort. It is still MUCH better than any other surface in our home, but I worry that soon there will be nowhere to sleep.

I felt better once I got up, which I expected, but was still uncomfortable. And I was super grateful for afternoon bed rest as I was able to come home at lunch, so I could lay here in bed. (and inhale an entire row of Oreos for the 3rd time in 3 days. Thank God the package is almost gone!)

At first, I thought pajamas would be comfy enough, but I'm burning up, so here I lay with no pants, no panties, and my shirt tucked up under my boobs. Let me assure you, it's not an attractive look.

But I'm fine. And enjoyed a nice, brainless project this afternoon, so I was able to whittle the Bringing Home Baby backlog on my Tivo to ... 29 episodes. Sheesh! I will never catch up!

***

Lastly, I must share this bizarre dream I had last night.

It was sad, because I was just sure that one of the boys was born with down syndrome (BTW, we never had any genetic or other testing, so this could be true). I woke up praying to God that our boys would be born perfectly healthy and that it was just a dream!

Aside from that, it was a wonderful dream, because it was the first time I have ever dreamed about having twins.

More amusing is how they were born. Dr. C did an internal exam, including some vag lube, and left the room. I sneezed and both babies slid out!

DH and I were picking them up off of the hospital bed - they mysteriously did not have umbilical cords! - and noticed that one was quite larger than the other, and the larger baby had the 'look' of DS but by the end of the dream, Dr. C still had not returned, and so no tests had been done to confirm, so I had kind of convinced myself that it wasn't necessarily DS, but the one baby maybe just looked like my husband's friend, Brian!

Crazy, huh?!

Love Ya!

JamieD at The Therapist Is In was kind enough to send me this Love Ya! award.

I was so touched that she thought to honor me with this award. I've been a faithful follower of her blog for a long, long time and I read EVERY.SINGLE.POST but I don't always comment. So, thank you, Jamie, for thinking of me!

Here's what to do....You're supposed to pass this one to 8 blogs that you love ... I tried really hard to whittle my list down to blogs that fit the following criteria:

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award!"

These are the blogs I check every day! They are AMAZING, COURAGEOUS women!

1. Sushilover @ LifeAfterD&C

2. G$ @ Makes You Stronger

3. Pepper @ On to Plan B

4. Pee Sticks & Stones

5. Perchance to Dream

6. Erin @ Seriously!?!?!?

7. Elana @ Elana's Musings

8. Jill @ Desperately Seeking Spawn

So, my husband surprised me by coming home about an hour earlier last night, which meant he was here at 6:45. He called on his way home, and dinner was just coming out of the oven, so I waited and ate with him.

After dinner, he was folding his laundry so I went downstairs to find a piece of paper we needed to file our taxes. But my nesting instinct must have kicked in because I spent the next hour shredding and purging old files. Do we really need copies of our water bill from 2002? At arm's length?

I finally sat down to read my book around 9 or so, and DH continued to clean up little projects he had started around the house for another hour. So, around 10, I'm reading on the couch and he's sitting beside me working on a job application. I fell asleep at some point. He apologized for running around. But I was just happy he was in the house. Somehow, the change of scenery from my usual spot - in bed, because that's where the Tivo is - to the couch, coupled with his being home, made my night significantly better.

Tonight, we have a date to go to the mall to pick up our double stroller, which I had been procrastinating on buying, but since I have purchased just about every.single.item remaining on our registry, it was time.

Tomorrow, DH has to work (shocking, I know!) so I will be on grocery duty. Also, maybe a little work that I brought home that I mysteriously did not feel like tackling today. And if I'm inspired, a scrapbook page.

I've completed two pregnancy pages this week - one of us from this year's Christmas picture titled Expecting and another of my favorite sono pics titled Womb with a View.

I don't know why I hadn't been motivated to preserve these memories before, I think maybe I was afraid one or both of my boys might not make it. Not that I'm completely over that fear, but I don't know, I was just inspired. Hopefully, I haven't jinxed anything.

***

In much more petty news, two of my best friends (bridesmaids) are having plastic surgery in the next few weeks.

H is having a nose job, after recently getting braces. She already has a rockin bod, kick a** sense of humor and great hair. Seriously, she's going to be a fem bot after this. I hate her right now.

T is getting a tummy tuck and her boobs done a few days after our scheduled section. She just got married in Mexico and is totally skinny from dieting for her wedding. She was always pretty, and now her body is going to be perky and smooth.

F'in b*tches! I'm so freaking sure they're going to be all perfect and gorgeous and I'm going to have 50 pounds to lose. I can just hear it now, Um, yeah, that's A, she's our brilliant, ugly, overweight "old" friend.

My only respite should be that my 3rd BFF (and yet another bridesmaid) just had a baby last week. But she had totally been dieting before she got pregnant, and only gained 20 pounds during her pregnancy, delivering an 8+ pound girl, so I hate her too right now.

I have never been thin or gorgeous, but pregnancy sure does a number on your physical appearance.

Let's review the image issues I am facing right now -

a) most recently - bloated, sausage-like feet;
b) most notably - distended abdomen of baby parts which prevents me from adequately reaching the brakes in my car, seeing my sausage-like feet, being able to reach to wipe my own a** or shave my legs, etc. etc. etc.. And when I tell people I have 3 weeks to go, they gape widely at my belly in disbelief, until I point out that there are two in there. Sheesh!
c) least likely to go away - stretch marks that resemble tiger stripes on my abdomen, and thanks to the miracles of laser hair removal, in places that people keep their pubic hair;
d) bleeding gums;
e) permanent runny nose which causes me to get painful pimples on the underside of my nose;
f) Tums crumbs on my chest and trailing around behind me;
g) horrible hair, because let's face it, its just not worth doing it anymore!
h) 5 outfits total that fit that I've been rotating for the past 5 months and I'm so sick of them, everyone else must be too!
i) skin tags!

Not that I would begrudge them their self-improvement, but their timing is bad for me. And they both want to come visit me and the babies while they're on leave with their surgeries. Are you freaking kidding me? I will still be everything above, plus add

j) extremely sleep deprived
k) replace the crumbs with spit up stains
l) two words: nipple leakage!
m) mammoth engorged breasts, or worse ... deflated saggy ones
n) red eyes from all the crying
o) still wearing these same 5 outfits!

If I don't get PPD, I will have real depression after their visits. Of course, I'm just jealous. Skinny b*tches!

35 Weeks!!!!!!

As of today, we have reached the 35 week milestone, which is HUGE!!!!! We are doing so great. I'm so proud of my body right now. Yay me!

Alas, any pregnancy has its highs and lows. So, if 35 weeks is a high (and it is) then there have got to be some lows.

Today was the first day that I was unable to wear shoes. I noticed last night that my left foot was swollen. This morning, both were huge sausages of fluid. They are disgusting! Praise God that my BFF/S had suggested pedicures on Saturday, so that I can sport flip flops without too much fear of reproach at the office. But still, my ankles and feet were like the one part of my body that was never fat, even when I was overweight, and now, well, they're so freaking bloated and gross.

And another high - I slept all night on the couch last night, which resulted in fewer wake ups, less pain, and fewer trips to the bathroom. I was only up 3 times in the night - around 12, 3, and 6. Which was AWESOME! Plus, when I did get up, there was less shuffling and hip pain. So, I may just sleep out there every night from now on. I miss sleeping beside my DH, but he did come out and join me around 6:30 this morning and it was nice to cuddle with him for a little while before we got up for work.

And the lowest of all lows - I am really starting to get depressed about my husband's work schedule. I think I've mentioned in passing that he works in the evenings, and on weekends, and that results in me being alone quite a bit of the time. And before pregnancy, that I dealt with it better b/c I could amuse myself with a remodeling project, a road trip to IA or MN, or going out with friends. I had kind of built a life without him, around his schedule, because I refused to let his workaholism interfere with my having a life. Of course, I would have rather been with him, but since I couldn't, there was no use sitting around moping.

Well, now, that's all I can do - lay around and mope. And its getting old.

Granted, in 22 days or less, I will have our two little boys to take care of. But then when he's at work, I'll just feel like a single mother.

I must admit that my husband has agreed to find a more family-friendly job, and has been looking, and has had interviews, and has turned down jobs with craptastic hours and travel. And we do have an ultimate deadline which is that he has agreed to be unemployed by 6/1 if he hasn't found something else. In which case, he will collect unemployment and save us daycare expenses.

So, in the long run, I know this is temporary (as is my bed rest) and I know he's doing everything he can right now and that he's not happy either.

That being said, it doesn't suck any less. I know I should be grateful to still have half days in the office, to still be pregnant. But I am SO sick of tv and books. Seriously, how many episodes of Bringing Home Baby can one endure? And I still have 33 more left Tivo'd, and it adds more everyday!

I feel sorry for him, because he has no life. And he has this wife who needs more from him than she ever has before. And I feel sorry for me, because I am alone a lot of the time, and he is the only one I want to be with right now, and I can't ask more of him without feeling guilty about it, because I already know he is spread thin and compromising his own needs for alone/personal time for me.

Some days are better than others. Yesterday was worse. If only I could self-medicate with alcohol. Or shopping. Or something, anything. But obviously the pregnancy eliminates some of those options, the bed rest others, and the whole trying to be a responsible grown up and deal with my emotions kind of gets in the way. My most healthy stress reliever is distraction (projects, trips, etc.) and I can't even do that. So, anyway, I'm okay, really, I am. And I've shared all of this with my dear husband. So, I'm not bearing this all on my own. I'm just sharing, because its been on my mind.

Procrastinating

I don't have anything to vent or get off my chest or share. I just don't feel like working right now.

I have so much to do this afternoon, things from my own to-do list or that I committed to because I felt sorry for someone else that I probably don't have a minute to spare. Is it bad that I don't want to do any of it?

My friend L has loaned me her breast pump. I was able to purchase all the parts I needed online on Sunday and they arrived yesterday. Today at lunch, I bought some collection bottles. I'm leaving everything in tact in case I have no need to pump. Feels good to have one more thing checked off the list.

I have started to notice contractions. B&H I'm sure. They are not painful or in any set pattern. I had a couple this morning at the office, and some last night while I was sitting up reading. I took some Tylenol PM just in case. Guess I want those little boys in there a little while longer.

Tomorrow will be 35 weeks. That was the original goal set by my OB. I plan to blow it away.

Ok, back to work for me. Darnit!

25 Days and Counting ...

So, I have started counting down the days to our scheduled c-section. At most, I have

4 More Work Weeks - to endure...er...I mean....to get everything wrapped up all nice and neat, for my leave. I can't imagine 'leave' being no phone calls or no email. But I also can't imagine life with twins. So, I plan to be super productive and really work toward leaving them with little to fear during my absence.

3 More Kidless Weekends - to enjoy with my husband (even though he will probably work every Saturday anyway), because it will NEVER just be the two of us again. To just relax in the silence of our home. To be spontaneous and run an errand or to a movie on a whim, because we can. To dream about what our kids will look like, and how we will handle various situations.

25 More Sleepless Nights - before the REAL sleep deprivation begins! But hopefully, I won't have the physical pain I endure at night now.

And on that note, my latest 'attempt' at sleeping is so comical, so laughable, that I have been telling everyone. I hope you enjoy it, as well.

Let's face it, I'm a little front heavy.

And I have groin pain. Pain so severe that it prevents me from having the strength to manuveur my belly around like I'd like. Or move my legs more than 3 inches off any surface.

So, I have a truly difficult time rolling from side to side.

It's painful in so many places.

It's really just not an option anymore.

But my hips hurt at night.

They hurt bad.

So, I have to change sides several times throughout the night.

So....

I sleep on the right side of the bed. When I'm laying on my right side, I have my head on my pillow, all normal like up by my bedside table.

But when I have to flip to my left, my current procedure is to let my legs hang over the side of the bed, use my arms to push myself up into a sitting position, rearrange my pillow at the foot of the bed, and ease myself down on my left side so my head is at the foot / feet are at the head and I have successfully found my left side without actually having to roll over.

About three times a night, I supplement this move with a trip to the bathroom. Which is more like a shuffle, because laying on my side makes my groin hurt worse somehow and so my legs don't want to lift off the floor.

Oh, and all of this is accompanied by huffing and puffing and sighing and muttering 25 more days under my breath.

34 Weeks, 3 Days

Despite the fact that my husband had to work AGAIN on a Saturday, I had a really busy and fabulous day. I was up early for my weekly grocery/shopping trip, which included finally purchasing a changing table pad, cover, another outfit for the boys, and yet another box of diapers.

I ran the dishwasher, started a load of laundry, ran to the bank, fueled up my car, baked muffins, ate some muffins, and took a nap...all before lunch.

In the afternoon, I met my BFF/S and we drove across town to meet her new friend T. for pedicures and coffee (decaf for me, of course!). I picked S up at 2, and didn't get home until after 6. This was the first time I had met T., but I knew she was a patient at RE's office. She just had her second non-medicated insemination on Wednesday. And after one more, then she thought she was done.

I *hope* that after our conversation, she felt like there was so much more that they could do for her at our clinic, if she *wanted* to pursue more invasive treatments, but I fear that I may have overwhelmed her. She knew nothing about medicated cycles, or IVF, ICSI, hysteroscopy, etc. She's been through the counseling to use DS. She knows what Day 3 labs are, and she knows all the same nurses I do. But whereas DH and I dove head first into IVF, she's kind of easing into things with IUI.

Hopefully, she's pregnant right now and won't need to learn all the acronyms, terms, and procedures. But if I was paying for DS, I think I might want my egg count beefed up or some progesterone supplements, at the very least.

It was a little eye-opening for me, that treatment plans can be so different. We have very similar issues, other than the donor sperm, and she isn't having to go through half the medical assistance I did. Did I get hosed because I had unnecessary medicated cycles, or is she getting the shaft because she just emits one measley egg each month?

She did ask some questions about cost for IVF, so I was able to explain the kinds of questions to ask her health insurance company (no doesn't always equal no). We both have had cysts. She skipped ovulating one month. Her E2 was high. Her LSH were low. So, I reassured her that every cycle is different. Every month, all the stars have to align. And all these things were normal - for that month - and it didn't mean there was anything to worry about.

And I also suggested that if she has another IUI, that she insist an RE perform the insemination (normally, they're done by nurses). I had two failed IUIs at that clinic, with cramping, but when Dr VW did our transfer, I had no cramping. It's basically the same tube going into the same uterus, so I believe it was her magical touch that made all the difference.

Our IF struggles are never far from my mind. I always feel like I have no right to complain about ANY inconvenience in this pregnancy, because I am and should be grateful for it. It truly is a blessing, and there are many women out there struggling right now with what I went through, only their struggles have just begun or have been going on longer than mine. But even though its always in my mind and I still feel infertile, I was reminded yesterday of all the details that I don't think of all that often anymore. The progesterone shots were painful. The suppositories were gross. The daily vag cam / blood work appointments were an emotional roller coaster. Our first cancelled IVF devastating. Every negative pee stick. Every evaporation line. All of it. That's where she's at right now.

***

Today, DH and I are meeting some friends at the WSU baseball game. It will be SO nice to be out of the house and in the sunshine. Altogether, it might actually feel like I had a weekend!

Stuart Smalley & the Rockstar

Woo Hoo! We have hit the 34-week milestone which means if I were to go into labor today, no one would try to stop it. Yay for us!

My weekly OB appointments have become more like 'positive affirmations' from Stuart Smalley. As soon as Dr. C leaves the exam room, I raise my fist triumphantly and claim that I'm a rockstar! to my DH who just laughs at me.

So, in honor of all that this post will be, here is a picture of me (on the right) with Al Franken (the man behind Stuart Smalley) from our annual pilgremage to Minnesota in 2007. This is what I look like every year on July 4th - 10am, beer in hand, inserting myself into what would otherwise be a nice, family-friendly, patriotic, small town festival ;-)

But back to me and my boys.

As of yesterday, they are both weighing about 5 1/4 pounds. Both breech. Both get straight A's on every test. Dr. C checked my cervix, and shook his head, as if to say I don't even know why I bother - these boys aren't going anywhere! He reiterated how unlike any other twin pregnancy this is, and how well we're doing. To which, I replied, its genetics, its not me. Because I know all too well that I have nothing to do with this, its all in God's hands. And of course, I read enough blogs to know that there are a lot of women who take a lot better care of themselves than I do, who have not had this outcome. So, I know its not anything I'm doing. But I enjoy the praise anyway.

I told Dr. C that if we make it to 26 weeks, I'm going back to full days at work. Kind of half joking, half feeling him out. He told me he would have no reason to argue with me if that's what I wanted to do.

He also worked out the amnio/twin/bureaucracy/blah/blah/blah with the hospital and we have the green light to schedule our c-section for 28 weeks without an amnio. Whew! So, if I do not spontaenously go into labor before then, we will schedule a section for the afternoon of April 9th or the morning of April 10th.

It's a relief to have an end date in mind. To know that at the most, I have 29 more days of being pregnant.

It's not so important during the day, but at night when I have indigestion or when Baby A is head-butting my ribs, its good to have a countdown.

***

And now, for a story about how I am NOT a rockstar.

Tuesday evening I thought I was having some cramping, so I followed doctor's orders - slammed some water, took two Tylenol PM, and laid on my left side. Which made me fall asleep by 8pm.

I woke up at 11:30 with horrible nausea and indigestion. So, I relocated to the couch. DH was still in the living room and wide awake because he had NOT taken two Tylenol PM. So, I made him lay on the love seat and keep me company while I thrashed around on the couch, whining, moaning, crying out, breathing through my mouth, chewing on Tums, sipping water, burping, and lamenting my uncomfortable condition.

As you can imagine, I was not at my best!

And just when I thought I was comfortable, I feel the babies start to kick and so I growl at DH Oh great! Now, THEY'RE awake!

All told, I was probably only awake for an hour, but in the moment it felt like I would never ever be comfortable again, that I would be nauseas forever, and would not be able to get back to sleep.

If this is the worst of it, I'm sure I've had a very easy twin pregnancy. But I do hope I don't have another episode like that again!

It Got Worse before It Got Better

So, yesterday got worse, before it got better. My DH could not seem to do anything right.

1. He did not turn in the payroll information for his employees, and thus for him, to his accountant last week, so nobody got paid this week, which I realized when I was buying groceries. Thankfully, I thought of this *before* I tried to use our debit card, because we had $30 in that account. But I was mostly angry about his poor hourly employees, and the trouble he could get in with labor laws for pulling crap like this.
2. He offered to run to McDonald's to get some dinner for us, because even after grocery shopping, nothing in the house sounded good. I asked for a medium fry, medium Coke because I knew I would be eating later. He brought me a small fry, large Coke. And I know it may sound picky, but *somehow* Coke out of a medium McDonald's cup actually tastes better!
3. I had pre-heated the oven to heat up some artichoke dip and had the dip made up, sitting in a dish on the stove, along with some bread I was going to broil after the dip was warm. When the oven signaled it was pre-heated, I started to get up to put the dip in the oven, but DH jumped up to help and said he would do it. I called out to 'leave the lid on' and I would check on it after awhile. So, awhile passes and I decide to go check on the dip. He says Do you think the bread is done? Somehow he thought the dip was done, and I only needed to heat up the bread, which was now dry and overcooked, sitting beside a very cold and raw artichoke dip.

Thankfully, I had other plans for last night - Girls Night In! at my friend L's house - so I didn't have to just b*tch all night about things that in the grand scheme are really insignificant but when put together into one day seem like a pattern of ineptitude.

DH was going to hit golf balls while I was gone.

As I was leaving, I noticed that it was lightning, so I called DH and suggested he choose to *not* hit golf balls in the storm. He argued with me a little bit, so I gave up and said, Fine, if you get electrocuted and die tonight, I will just tell your boys that you were selfish and refused to listen to me when I warned you about the storm. I kid you not, the tornado sirens went off not 20 minutes later. And I got a text Good thing I didn't go to the range. Those sirens would have freaked me out. Love you! I was just relieved he had taken my advice. It may have sounded like I was being overly cautious at the time, and the lightening looked far away, but why risk it?

Anyway, the night got SO much better from there. Girls sitting around a table, stuffing our faces, them drinking adult beverages, me enjoying a crisp cool 7up. And I got more baby stuff, some borrowed, and some gifts. And I didn't come home until after 11, for which I had to sleep in this morning. And I mysteriously didn't care about the fries, the Coke, the dip, the bread, or the money when I got home. Those fabulous ladies were just the therapy I needed to get me out of my funk!

The Family Stone

I called my mom today, just to check in. She's not much on calling me. So, I call her when I'm in the mood. Which ends up being like once a month. I should have known better. She always seems to say the wrong thing. I was telling her how big and healthy the boys are getting, and how I have 6 weeks to go, but can't imagine how big I'll be by then, and how I hope it comes a little sooner.

She proceeded to lecture me on how I need to keep them in there so they can be healthy, and I should just get a good book, prop my feet up, and relax.

Kinda sounds like the assvice she gave me when we were TTC. Yes, mother, relaxing solves everything.

I told her that my babies' combined weight was now bigger than any pregnancy she had ever experienced, and I had six more weeks to go, so that until she'd been in my shoes, she maybe shouldn't judge.

I mean, seriously, yes, of course, I want the boys in there as long as possible...is it too much to ask for a little empathy, a little I remember feeling that way or It will all be worth it. Anything but scolding.

Further solidified my resolve to NOT have her here when we first bring home the boys. She will only complicate an already stressful situation.

I'm also kind of getting sick of it at work. Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy the quiet, whenever I mention that I'm lonely with T at work and me at home so much. I wasn't complaining, I was just sharing, okay? You ask about how I'm doing, that's how I'm doing. And USUALLY I'm actually expressing gratitude that I could even BE in the office, so its not like I'm a whiner!

Ok, enough bitching. I would just much prefer empathy to their condascending, know it all b.s. So, I'm probably not going to vent anywhere but here and to DH anymore. I can't risk the letdown.

***

I cried about 10 times watching The Family Stone this afternoon. I don't want to give it away, if you haven't seen it, but Diane Keaton is the mom and there are these moments throughout the movie that she is an amazing mom and I was just really touched by how she handled some situations, not all, but some. And so, I cried.

33 Weeks, 1 Day

Holy Crap! Am I this far along?! STILL amazed that we're still here and that everything continues to go so well. I feel SO blessed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That being said, I don't mean to be ungrateful, but I thought I should shed a little reality on my life these days. The good and the bad.

So, here goes.

During the day, I am just fine. I go to work in the morning where I am productive and social. I'm slow going up the stairs, and I run out of breath if I have to present materials to a group. The worst is probably the "pregnancy brain" which causes me to use the wrong words and forget important names, dates, words, etc.

I come home around lunchtime and work at my own pace wherever I'm most comfortable, most often propped up in bed, but I could also work at the kitchen table, in the nursery in the rocking chair, on the couch, or my new favorite - on the deck in the sun!

I start getting lonely around 6pm when my dear husband is still at work, and I know I have a few more hours until he joins me. I watch a few things on Tivo. I catch up on my google reader and facebook.

All during the day, I may be aware of the boys because I bump my belly into something, or because I can feel them moving. I don't have to pee too often, and of course, I get to eat whatever I want.

Maybe I would normally run errands at lunch, but I haven't missed that too much, and things seem to be getting done on the weekends, so I don't feel like we're doing without or that anything is falling apart.

And as I've mentioned before, working from home does have its perks - I can screen my calls. I never have to wait in line for the bathroom. And if I'm craving brownies at 2:30, heck, I just throw a batch in the oven!

The evenings are a little depressing for me because T is at work and I'm home alone, which isn't new, but BEFORE the pregnancy, I would have worked late, had drinks or dinner with friends, maybe done some shopping. But now, once I'm home, I'm typically in for the night, so I notice his absence all the more. And I miss him more when I can't fill my life with other things.

By the time he gets home, its usually 8pm or so, he re-heats the leftovers from my dinner or makes something of his own. We watch some Tivo and go to bed. And this whole evening routine has begun to feel a bit too much like Groundhog Day for my taste. It's boring and repetitive. But I know it will end. And we can always spice things up by renting a movie, going to a movie, going out for dinner, etc. Which we do from time to time. It all sounds so mundane, but I guess that's the point - it is.

It's the nighttime that really is the worst for me. I don't have a typical night, but I can usually count on heartburn (usually treatable with 2-3 Tums), hip pain which then causes me to flip over sometimes every few hours, but on bad nights as often as every 20 minutes, difficulty flipping over which is become worse and worse almost every day as I now resemble a beached whale, a baby skull in my ribs (which contributes to more flipping), frequent trips to the bathroom (which on a bad night is 4 between midnight and 7am) and possible relocation to another sleeping surface in the house.

For example, last night, I woke up at 4am vomiting in my mouth. I know this is gross, so I'm sorry, but I had like a hiccup/spit up in my sleep and it was enough to jolt me awake and I probably had a tablespoon of stomach bile in my mouth. Ok, ick. And this was after having heartburn and already tried a few Tums.

So, I decided that I needed to be sitting up more, so that maybe the acid reflux would take advantage of gravity and the mouth puking could stop. So, I went into the nursery with my pillow and blanket and tried to sleep in there.

Fabulously, the acid reflux was gone. But my getting up had woken up the boys so they proceeded to play Dance Dance Revolution on my ribs/bladder. It was almost comical, except I was tired.

After about 15 minutes, I decided to try the couch. Which is softer than my bed. No matter which side I layed on, one of my boys was apparently being crushed because he would start kicking out. Maybe punching. I'm not sure. But it was obvious they weren't happy that I sent them to bed before their game was over. I finally found a position propped up against the back cushions with my blanket supporting my tummy where they were suspended in enough fluid to settle back down for a few hours.

And of course, I was in the deepest most wonderful sleep, at 7am when my alarm went off.

All that being said, I don't want to complain. Their movement means they're alive, and healthy in there. And the fact that these kicks keep getting stronger tells me that they are getting bigger and healthier. And those skulls in my ribs? well those are just bones getting stronger, too. It's all good. And its really only miserable at night, when I can't sleep. And I was probably only awake 45 minutes all night long.

But lest I seem too pollyanna and one think this pregnancy has been a cake walk, it has, and it hasn't.

I continue to pray daily and sometimes even while I'm awake at night, that the boys continue to grow and flourish, that they arrive safely, that they are healthy, that I have a speedy recovery, that we can afford them. I worry about mucus and premature labor and stillbirth and cord accidents. And I continue to thank God that we have made it this far, and that I have been able to experience everything - the good and the uncomfortable - that this pregnancy is. I never thought I'd get to carry my own child. And I am so lucky he gave us two!

Letter to my friend, the Faithful Infertile

I got your comment this morning before I left for work.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am truly saddened by your loss.

I never knew your daughters' names before. They are beautiful.

I wish there was some way I could reach out to you.

I understand why you deleted your blog.

But I will wish there was some way for me to contact you.

This is the best I can do.

I wish I had an email address for you.

There have been so many times I've thought of you since January. I have prayed for you, and for your girls. All of my in real life friends and family have heard about you and your girls, about how you found me, about how we have the same RE, about how close our due dates were, etc. etc. etc. And I was so upset today for your loss, I could think of little else.

I was so shaken by the reality of pre-term labor when you wrote about yours. It so easily could have been me. Why wasn't it?

Your early delivery was always in the back of my mind. Every twitch. Every tightening of the belly. Ever speck of mucus.

I've layed more on my left side, run fewer errands, drank more water.

I have considered trolling the NICU until I saw twin girls, so I could find you, and hug you.

My OB's office is across the street from the hospital. I'm there once a week.

I'm not psycho.

I'm not a stalker.

So, I don't go in looking for you.

But I just keep thinking of you, and wishing there was some way I could do something for you.

Anything.

You're so close.

And yet, I know, we've never met, so its weird. And maybe I would only make it worse for you.

Maybe my still being pregnant would be painful for you.

Maybe its just weird to meet another blogger in person.

But I'm right here. In town. Isn't there anything I can do?

In the meantime, I will keep you, your husband, and Marleigh in my prayers.

I added my email address to my profile. Email me anytime.

32 Weeks, 6 Days

This morning, DH and I had our weekly appointment with Dr. C. The boys passed their second biophysical with flying colors. They are both weighing in at 5 pounds. I mysteriously have gained 8 pounds in the past two weeks. But I'm trying not to focus on that!

Somehow Baby B has flipped himself around and he is now vertex, while Baby A remains breech. How is it possible that he did that and I had no clue? You'd think I'd be aware that something major was going on in there, but I am quite oblivious.

I gained the following information during my inquisition, um, I mean, time ... with Dr. C.

• I can work yet another week, if I want. Um, yeah, I think I like getting out of the house, so thank you, sir, may I have another?
• He is not going to schedule a c section and we won't talk about it again until one of the following happens: a) I spontaneously go into labor and then we'll talk at the hospital. Does that seem sudden to anyone other than me? or b) I hit 38 or 39 weeks.
• The rest of our conversation today centered on (b). My OB prefers not to go past 38 weeks, but the hospital we will be using prefers 39. So, he's not even sure they'd let him do this at 38 weeks...here is where I get confused....not sure if he meant have the c section at all, or have it without an amnio.. but he was going to do some checking, and call some perinatologist friend of his in Dallas. I probably don't need to be involved in the politics surrounding this decision.

The thing that stands out is that he said if I was his daughter, he would have me do an amnio and not go past 38 weeks. I told him I'm in no position to make this decision on my own, so whatever he wants will be what we do.

If I make it that long, I may just start my own labor-inducing activities so as to avoid all of this medical establishment bureaucratic crap.

I never thought we'd be pregnant, make it this far, or be outside the fear of premature labor, so the thought of inducing labor with spicy foods, etc. seems absolutely foreign to me. That's something that other women do, not me! There are still days when I can't believe I'm pregnant. When I forget that I'm pregnant, feel one of my babies move, and am awe'd all over again by the fact that we're here.

So, I'm feeling confident. Like a rock star. Who knew my body could do this? It's not over yet, and there's still so much that could go wrong, but today, I feel like my body is apparently really good at growing big, healthy babies.

But I'm also a little uncomfortable, because we don't have a plan. To me, it's like I've been at war for 8 months and just now realized I have no exit strategy. Well, my strategy was kind of I won't have any control over this, so I'll just go with the flow but now its sounding like I might at some point have to make a decision. And so I will have to make up some 11th hour strategy and I feel completely unprepared for that.