Cabin Fever (10wk 3d)

I have spent the whole weekend at home. Correction - I left the house for about 30 minutes yesterday w/DH to buy a baby name book @ B&N, and pick up some groceries. My point is that I'm still totally exhausted and don't feel like doing anything, but I'm feeling a bit of cabin fever.
I've watched everything on our Tivo and read an entire book. I'll miss lying around all day, but it will be good to go back to work tomorrow.

DH rearranged our bedroom furniture today. For some people, moving furniture around may be a frequent exercise, but I tend to find an arrangement I like and stick with it. Case in point, our bedroom has not been rearranged since we moved in, 6 years ago. But we felt this was necessary to give me better access to the bathroom for my already frequent trips, and to the location we've picked out for the twin bassinet.

So, my OB called this morning.

I was napping on the couch, and my phone was in the bedroom, so I missed his call. But now I have his message that I can listen to whenever I want. Is that thee weirdest thing you've ever heard? Not from an ex-boyfriend or a job offer? No, I'm saving voicemail from my OB.

He was just updating me on my bloodwork from the goiter appointment - which is nice that he called me personally, but seriously?!, if I had been worrying about that this entire time I would have had to have been hospitalized for anxiety attacks by now. But at the end of the messsage he said, Hope you're doing well, hope the twins are doing well. Call me if you need anything. And that's why I saved it. For some reason, I liked the way he was thinking of my twins, thinking of me, on a Saturday morning. I'll probably delete it later today. I've only listened to it twice. I'm not a total freak.

***

DH has the day off of work today. Of course, he still found a work project to occupy him this morning. I think he's on his way home now. I'm hoping I can muster up the strength to run an errand or two with him. I was thinking - Barnes and Noble - to buy a baby name book and get him a coffee. That might be nice. I have names I like, but don't feel like we've done an exhaustive search.

***

Yesterday was the sickest I've felt so far. I guess the twins are making up for the break I had earlier this week. Or...I shouldn't have eaten the second donut at work! Either way, I was literally gagging when I was home resting at lunch, and worried that I should not even go back. But I did make it back, and made it through the whole day. Yay for me! But I also complained to anyone who would listen about the pukey-ness of my tummy. If I'm going to work through my nausea, I at least want credit for it.

***

I still have not decided what to do with the card/money from my father. I moved it from the dining room table to the table in my scrapbooking room, where I won't have to look at it. My thoughts keep coming back to My being pregnant changes nothing about our relationship. But that sounds harsh, and I don't want to be bitter or mean. I really just want him to go away. So, perhaps I will just not cash the check, and not acknowledge the card and hope he does just that.

10 Week Update

OK, I'm back home. Whew! So, future posts will be regular-sized. So sorry for yesterday's story. It felt good to get it out.

I have been having headaches the past few days, which I assumed were sinus headaches.

BUT the thought hit me this evening -- what if they're pregnancy headaches? That's what I'm choosing to believe. The twins are giving me this headache! The twins are okay!

The exhaustion has returned. I was so tired driving home and unpacking at the office that I could hardly concentrate. I always know I'm tired when I move slow.

I had my little hiccups this morning, which probably isn't in any textbook, but is in my book, a very positive sign that the twins are alive and kickin.

No nausea again today, but the food aversions remain. Right now I'm obsessing about a cheap crappy frozen bean and cheese burrito. But we don't have any in the house. I'm too tired to go anywhere. And DH works until 7. I don't know if I can make it that long. Mmmmmm. Burrito....

I have daddy issues

My husband just called from home, and said my prediction had come true. My father sent us a card. He must have heard from my grandfather about the pregnancy, and the twins. I wish DH had not told me about it tonight. I actually wish he would have just thrown it away, but I went ahead and had him read it to me over the phone.

My father sent us a check for $200 as a shower gift and wrote the longest note about how happy he was for us and how 'they' (whoever they is) always thought we would have twins in our family. I need to pray about how I handle this. Perhaps I should not have wished so hard for a distraction from the lack of morning sickness!

There is a reason why people tell stories like this is Parts but I'm bored and homesick, so you get it all at once. Please bear with me.

My father and mother divorced when I was two. My mother was away at a convention for her job. She came home and the bed smelled like another woman's perfume. My father said he couldn't make the bed as well as her and she would know he had washed the sheets, so he didn't bother. It was a big fight. He pushed her. When he came home from work the next day, there was a for sale sign in the yard. She never gave him a second chance. She never looked back.

My mother had custody and my father had visitation rights every other weekend. He did not take advantage of those visitation rights regularly until I was an adolescent, when his wife (#3) really pushed him to have a relationship with me and my half brother (from my father's first marriage). Even though he was never around, he always paid his child support, and he always gave me birthday and Christmas gifts.

But there were times that I would go so long without seeing my father or hearing from him that I would convince myself he had died and no one had told me. I figured out much later in life, that he mostly picked me up for visits when he had to go to his mother's house (Christmas & Easter), and he was kind of bringing me along as a show pony.

So, as a teenager, I had this father who really wanted to be there for me financially, and to please his wife. And I guess as I was around more, he started to see things in me he didn't like, so he tried to 'lecture' them out of me. It was torture to be stuck in a car with him for hours. His idea of a family weekend was watching VHS movies rented from the local grocery store all day Saturday, and a car trip to the state line and back on Sunday. My idea of a good time was a Friday night football game, overnighter with friends, shopping, and anything that didn't involve parents. I had been raised an only child. I wanted a loving father. But I didn't really like being told I wasn't good enough, or that my ideas were stupid. There were times I would cry and beg to call my mom and threaten to never go back. He would cry and apologize and beg me to stay. I learned to just keep my mouth shut during the lectures. And over time we worked out a pattern and it worked. I kind of thought that I was lucky because my parents divorced when I was so young that I never had to experience it.

I heard rumors all my life that my father had affairs. Wife #3 would always point out this woman who worked at Wal-Mart who she thought was the one who caused my parents' divorce. I remember she was blond. And cheap. But there were also rumors of weekends away and women on the side. My father always got away with it, or denied it, or hid it well enough.

When I was in college, my father paid 1/3 of my tuition. He also got caught in an affair. He had been married to my step-mother for 18 years by this time. She left him. He moved in with the girlfriend. They got back together at Christmas, but he messed it up again. I felt betrayed, because he lied about the affair and still does to this day. But I forgave him. I even grew to like his new girlfriend, who absolutely adored him. And even though she left her birth control pills out on the counter when I would visit. But she was a lot younger than him. And it didn't last.

His next girlfriend was a psychopath. She made up a bunch of lies. She made a lot of accusations. And so my father wrote me this evil letter. And we fought. A lot. Over the phone. I lived 6 hours away. So, I got a new number and didn't tell my dad. My husband and I had started dating at this time. And when it came time to get married, my husband called my dad at work, had him paged at the factory, and asked him if he could have my hand in marriage. My dad said, I guess that would be all right. But then my husband gave him our phone number. After that, DH got a vivid idea of why my father didn't have our number. There were many teary nights of phone fights over the next 13 months leading up to the wedding. My father's new wife was not invited to our wedding, he threatened not to come, so I walked myself down the aisle, but my father did eventually come to the wedding. And was once again there with financial support. He offered no words of advice, other than I do remember him expressing doubts that we would make it. Lovely.

So, that was 2002. My father has yet another new wife, who I have never met. This makes #5. DH and I will celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary next month. And I have not spoken to my father since the wedding. I sent him a letter and asked him not to call me. I said I was not burning the bridge completely, but protecting myself from the trauma of those lectures and phone calls, so I would prefer that he limit our communication to mail. He promised to send letters, but sent one. Otherwise, we receive Christmas, Birthday and Anniversary cards from him. We otherwise do not hear from him. And I never send him any correspondence. We have a new phone number, but I'm sure he could get it from any number of relatives if he wanted to disregard the whole 'no phone call' boundary that I have established.

I don't miss him. I don't hate him. I accept that this is who he is and forever will be. He's just not kind to me. And so I have other male role models in my life, a fabulous couple of grandfathers, uncles, my older step-brother from my mom's 3rd husband. And this husband, who is so amazing its beyond words.

People (my mother, especially) have a hard time understanding how I could shut my father out of my life. It's like the story of the little boy who came upon a snake in the woods stuck under a rock. The snake begs the boy to let him out. The boy says No, you're a snake, you'll bite me. And the snake promises not to bite him, so the boy lets him out from under the rock and the snake promptly turns around and bites the boy. The boy exclaims Ouch! Why do you do that? You promised you wouldn't. And the snake replies, I'm a snake. It's what I do.

My father is the snake. He can't help it. This is just who he is. He emotionally manipulates people. He uses whatever means necessary. He drags you into non-productive emotionally charged conversations. He hurts people. He cheats on his wives, and thereby his kids, and his family. So, in order to forgive him, I had to cut him off, because this is who he is. He won't change. He won't examine his behavior. And he won't even acknowledge his lies or manipulation. And my theory is that if he can't see what he's doing then how could he ever change? So, I don't trust him to change. I trust him to stay the same. And I keep him on the 'snail mail' plan.

But my grandfather has obviously told him about the twins. And so now I'm struggling with what to do with the card, and the money, and the request inside to let him know when they're born, that he wants to be a part of their life. I don't trust him not to hurt me, why would I ever let him near my kids? But...I always want to take the high road and do the right thing. Which is why I told him he could write me letters. Like I was just protecting myself enough, but still leaving him a way in if he wanted to try.

So, I want to prayerfully consider my response. Just not cashing the check makes my point without being so hurtful as to send it back with a note explaining that my pregnancy does not change the way I feel about him. Nor would it be right to point out that twins DON'T run in our family, we had IVF, we've been trying for 3 years, and if you knew me at all or were a part of my life in one tiny little way, you would know that. Everyone else does.

I do have daddy issues. I'm really lucky I didn't marry the wrong man. Or that I didn't just have a string of meaningless affairs. When I was younger, I truly did seek male attention in all the wrong ways/places. I was a mess. And it is his fault. But I grew up, and I made better choices, and I am so blessed to have this husband despite my daddy issues.

But I also want to make the right choice here. I want to choose my words and actions. I don't want to burn any bridges, but I want to protect myself and my twins. I don't want to hurt my father, but I also don't want to compromise my own mental and emotional health so he can take my kids on the pony show.

Homesick (9wk 6d)

My friend left today, so I will spend tonight and half day tomorrow here all by myself. I'm a big girl. I've traveled for business alone lots of times, but somehow now that I'm pregnant, my tolerance for being alone away from home is way down.

The big question is ... which do I miss more? My Tivo or my husband? My answer may change after Pres Bush begins his economic address here in a few.


Symptom watch continues. I am not nauseas, but as my friend K. pointed out this evening on the phone, I should not overlook the food aversion. (Sorry to my dear friends who I harrass with a call tonight. Between the boredom in the hotel and nothing to do, I'm obsessing and calling everyone I know). This morning, I could not finish a hot cocoa. I couldn't eat the meat at lunch. And tonight for dinner, only a few fries and a few slurps of a chocolate shake. Mostly, I just want water. So, instead of focusing on how good my stomach feels, I will focus on how nothing sounds good. Trying to stay positive, because seriously?! I have zero evidence anything is wrong. But did I mention I'm not exausted? 8 more days til my next u/s....


Must.Find.Something.To.Distract.Me.

Just found this post and am going to incorporate it in my daily prayers for awhile.

Update on Dustin

My SIL sent me the following update on our family friend, Dustin:

Well I guess he isdoing better, considering he tried to climb out
of his bed. They had to drug him more heavily since he was moving around too
much. They aren't allowing visitors anymore, but his mom got to go in and see
him and she told him he wasn't allowed to go swimming anymore and he flipped her off, so I guess that is a good sign!!! He is in for the MRI right now, so we
will hear later tonight what that will say. Sounds like good news today!!!

***

I'm on my first road trip since the BFP, just a 3-hour drive from home, recruiting with my old roommate. We stayed up way too late for me last night (almost midnight!) and I woke up at 5 or so unable to get back to sleep so I've been testing data in our computer system. In 15 minutes or so, I can get up and take a shower. I was glad my friend was here to help me with the PIO, because I'm down to my last batch of needles which are really thin and there's no way I could push that in from the angle on my bum.

I'm a little paranoid because I felt so much better yesterday, and was able to stay up late, and able to rise early this morning. This is not normal 9wk, 5 d behavior. I should have been asleep by 9, and there's no way I should have been able to eat the donut I inhaled at work yesterday morning. My next u/s isn't until NEXT Friday, which I hate. I wish it was this Friday. I wish it was today. My friend K., who has had the recurrent miscarriages and is currently about 13 weeks, was worried so she moved her OB appt up from Friday to today. Her OB must not be as busy as mine, because I could never get in. But its tempting to call.

I'm going to try to stick with my original appointment, and live in the moment. As far as I know, everything is okay with the twins. The spotting has been gone since Saturday evening. So, I had a good day, hormones fluctuate. I'll probably collapse tonight. Hopefully, I'll collapse tonight.

Recently, my favorite symptom has been this sort of one hiccup thing that my body does. Even if I haven't eaten or drinken anything recently, it still happens. Which never happened before the BFP. Just one random hiccup at some point during the day. For some reason, it reassures me that all is well.

I'm sure its normal to feel this way, and I have no reason to believe anything is wrong. I'm just worried because I haven't seen them in awhile, and I'm not really in tune with my body, so I don't know what's going on in there. I'm going to try to distract myself with work and hope the time passes quickly.

Cue the Weeping & Gnashing of Teeth (9wk 3d)

First, the good news is that the spotting has gone away. Bed rest is magical! So, I'm taking today on the couch or in the bed as a precautionary measure, but hooray for the disappearance of round 3!

The bad news is that I have a terrible back ache on my mid-back on the right side. This is the same spot that hurts when I get up in the night, after I've been lying on my right side. And I assume it is from either a) the position I am sleeping in combined with the additional weight in the front from the twins, b) the fact that I'm sleeping so insanely hard that my body clenches up and so I've wrenched my back in the extreme sleeping, or c) from all the bed rest because my body prefers to be upright.

So, around 4, I finally gave up the fight in the bedroom and came out to the couch where somehow I could wedge my feet into the cushions and get just the right knee angle to relieve some of the pain. It's still there now, but not as severe, but last night I was worried it was everything from a simple back ache to a kidney infection to miscarriage. Last night, I would have rated it a 4 on a scale of 10, right now its probably a 2.5. I might not be able to feel it if I took some Tylenol...

***

One of my younger brother's best friends was seriously injured in a pool accident on Saturday morning. You can read a short not-very-informative article here. He dove into the shallow end of a pool and broke his neck in two places. He was under water about 5 minutes before they could get him out, and was not breathing on his own until they got him to the hospital. He is now in a halo and can move his extremities, but they are keeping him in a medically-induced coma so that he does not move his neck. Another mm of movement and he would die instantly. Yesterday was a rough day for my little brother and my siblings, who tend to assume the worst in every situation. They were all calling me and each other all day with updates and concern. I was the calm one, which made me feel heartless, but we really had no concrete facts, and it sounds today like he might make a full recovery - they're still unsure about brain activity, but he did make a thumbs up sign when they brought him out of his coma yesterday, which I thought was positive. I was also touched that this is how my family handles crisis - we call each other. We are so close, and my siblings mean the world to me.

This guy has been a part of our life since my mom married their dad in '89. He was my 4th grade boyfriend, and a fixture at all our family gatherings since then. If you're the praying type, you might pray for Dustin and that he makes a full recovery, and that God be with Dustin's family and friends during this time.

Spotting Returns (9wk 2d)

Unfortunately, my spotting returned around bedtime last night.

Still brown, but definitely the most I've seen. Still just on the tp and not in the panties.

This is my third spotting incident, and I guess since the last one was so long ago (sometime during week 6) I thought I was over this. Nurse H reassured me the first time that brown is old. So, I'm not panicking. I'll just be living in my bed this weekend. Which is probably what I would have done anyway.

But just because I'm not panicking does not mean I'm not wiping every hour and hyper conscious of every twinge in my belly to ascertain whether or not its the beginning of a cramp.

And I've had spotting twice before, and had sonograms after both incidents with healthy beating hearts. So, I know spotting does not necessarily equal gloom and doom. But it concerns me. It makes me worry.

If its not a goiter, its the spotting. Fearing for the life of the twins is hard on the psyche. It's kind of a full time job. So, hopefully a day of bed rest will make the spotting go away.

Otherwise, I have no news. Work has been good, not too busy or stressful. Life at home has been boring. I come home. I eat something bland. I lay in bed and watch t.v. I go to sleep. We're still waiting for our cards from our first aid class last Friday so that we can have our agency send our app in for our foster care license to the state. DH has his health screening / TB test later this week. And we should be ready to roll. Maybe by the time the paperwork goes through I'll feel up to doing more than eating and sleeping.

Ok, must go force myself to potty so I have an excuse to check the spotting. Wish me luck!

Goiter Update (8wk 6d)

Ok, so because of the faithful reassurance of my friend K, I have become much stronger lately, much less afraid of calling the doctor's office with questions, and much less likely to wait for my next appointment. So, I called and left a message for Dr. C's nurse today. And she called me back around 4.

I think my message was calm. I asked someone to call me back and tell me when they thought they might have the results of my thyroid test. I explained that I hadn't seen the enlarged thyroid when the doctor was discussing it, and didn't look in a mirror in the exam room, but definitely noticed how large it was when I got home. I told them that I had read the brochure they gave me, and was concerned about the possibility for birth defects, including mental retardation. And I'd like them to also tell me how worried I should be about this. Not psycho. Not 10 calls. Just one message to tell me when the results would be in.

So, S. called me and said that my results were back. My TSH is normal. I guess the range is 0.4 to 4.something and mine was 0.7 which is good, because its on the low side of the range. She said my babies were fine, which made me tear up. And then, she worried me because she started reassuring me that they're going to take good care of me and my babies. That made me feel a little bit like they think I'm a psycho. But really, I would have worried for the next two weeks until my next appointment if I didn't know the results. And if they didn't want me to worry, then they shouldn't have given me a brochure that mentioned that the thing they were testing me for and the huge growth on my neck could cause my babies to have horrible brain problems. So, I hope that wasn't her thought, and that she is just used to reassuring people. Because I thought it was totally normal to read a brochure a doctor gives you, and consider that he wants you to know that information, and then to freak out or not freak out based on what you learn. I hadn't freaked out yet, because I knew I could have an enlarged thyroid and a normal thyroid production, but I was worried.

***

In other news, the insomnia seems to have diminished. I still woke up last night to potty. But I was able to get back to sleep right away.

***

My diet mostly consists of apple sauce, water, and baked potatoes with butter at this point. I can eat a few other things, but potatoes sound palatable. Not delicious, just like something that might settle my tummy. I'm not nauseas, really, just my stomach never feels normal. Like I'm aware of it, and when you feel normal, you aren't aware of your stomach.

The Goiter (8wk 5d)

So, I updated here last night before I actually LOOKED at my thyroid in the mirror. And I was SHOCKED by the off-center Adam's apple that has appeared seemingly overnight. I can see now how my OB was able to spot it across the room.

How long has it been there? Why didn't I notice it before? Why didn't someone tell me?

So, I'm worried about the enlarged thyroid (aka GOITER!). I also kind of just like saying the word goiter. It reminds me of grotesque growths on aboriginees, which mine is not yet, but by textbook definition, I am now the proud of owner of a goiter.

See for yourself:

Please pardon the hair. I really should have taken 2 seconds to pull it back, but I was anxious to document my goiter for medical research (my own, but still research). I want to be sure it doesn't get bigger. I assure you, I am not a dude. And I have never before had an Adam's apple, plus this one is on the side, not the middle. Also, please pardon the dead Barbie doll look in my eyes. I think I was concentrating too hard on getting the shot. It reminds me of this old Judy Chicago installation where this Barbie doll was cut into shelves. But I digress...

Needlesss to say, I am anxiously awaiting a call from my doctor to put me on some sort of supplement to hopefully make this thing go down in size and prevent the complications listed in the brochure he gave me - anything from low birth weight to abnormal development of the baby's brain. The brochure also says that the babies' own thyroids will take over at 10 weeks, which isn't that far away! So, I'm worried about what damage has already been done if I've had this thing for awhile and not noticed it. Hopefully, the blood test will show that my TSH and T4 levels are just fine and that I just have an enlarged thyroid right now. But if I have to wait until my next appt on 10/3, I will be a mess!!!!!!

***

I think my iron supplements have been causing me insomnia. I was taking them at night because my RE warned they might make my nausea symptoms worse, but the past two nights (the only two nights I've taken them) I've had a hard time sleeping. Last night, I was awake for over two hours from 1:05 until sometime around 3. I have also heard this is a symptom of pregnancy, but I'm hoping that it's not, that it really is being caused by the iron, and that if I take the pill earlier in the day I'll get a full night's rest.

And, wouldn't it just be grand if the goiter was somehow connected to the iron and didn't mean I was deficient anywhere and the babies were just fine????!!!! That, my friends, is exactly what I want the case to be.

Anyway, I hope I get more sleep tonight. Insomnia totally and completely sucks!

First OB Appointment (8wk 4d)

Today was my first OB appointment. Sheesh! The waiting room is literally going to KILL me. I am not a patient woman. I brought a book. I was prepared. So, 40 minutes after my appointment, I get called back. It was another 30 minutes or so until I saw my OB. And at least another 30 after he left the examine room before we got out of there. This will not be fun. What do people who are hourly do? What do people without really understanding bosses do? Like, if I worked at McDonald's, I would have the worst prenatal care, or I would have had to have taken the entire day off today. I appreciate the time and attention I receive, but I can't believe they can't keep to a better schedule....

But, I must say that I adore my OB. He is so patient, and kind, and caring. He is bringing me back in two weeks, but is out the beginning of that week so it ends up being almost three weeks. And he is testing my thyroid AGAIN because apparently its as big as an adam's apple and he could see it from across the room. (He and others have tested it before with no abnormal results, so I don't get that, but whatever). They also ran an OB panel which is a bunch of tests I've already had taken at the CRM, but I'm sure insurance will cover it again. Just seems wasteful not to wait for my charts to get transferred.

I started my iron supplement last night. I immediately felt better. Weird, huh? I still get nauseas if I get too hungry. For example, today at lunch, I had to ask the waitress for crackers before she even took our orders. But I had been standing and up and around and hadn't eaten yet today, so it was touch and go on the whole 'no puking' rule.

Dr C is also keeping me on the progesterone until it runs out. He agrees with my 'security blanket' theory and said If you don't take it, it will just be wasted so I will be finishing up the last few vials of my PIO. I was looking forward to being done, but also like feeling like we're giving these two every chance they've got to have a great, strong first trimester, so I don't mind.

I don't really have any other news, or emotional rants. Work is busy this week, and I look forward to early bedtimes every night. And hopefully naps at lunchtime as my schedule allows. I find myself looking forward to the weekend, not because we have any big plans, but because I can lay in bed all day and sleep whenever I want. Hopefully, this goes away at 12 weeks!

My husband received the following email from his mother today:

A woman I work with, has triplet granddaughters. Her son has created a blog for them that he updates almost daily. I’m sending you the link as inspiration.

Now, DH assumed she thought we might learn something about multiples. I assume the emailed photos she received YESTERDAY of our 8 week sonogram are not enough for her. Am I reading too much into this email, or is my MIL pressuring us to start a blog?

P.S. If she is pressuring us to start a blog, I am so tempted to reply with Thanks for the suggestion. We already have a blog where we tell a bunch of strangers every single detail of the pregnancy. Unfortunately, I also use this space to bitch about you, so I'm not going to be able to send you the link. But thanks for all the pressure. Its so helpful!

***

OB's office called me back today. They are fitting me in on Monday, and I will have yet another sonogram. At first, I protested, I said, Did one of you tell him that I just had a sonogram on Thursday? This seems like overkill. And she replied, He has surgery all day on Monday and he's just coming in to see you. Ok, fine. I'll take the appointment. Next, I tried to talk her out of the sonogram. It seems unnecessary. But she thinks he'll insist. So, I say OK, its not like I don't like seeing them. And finish with I guess I'll just make my deductible sooner. So, on the one hand, I worry that I'm getting some unnecessary care next week. On the other hand, it would appear that my OB is going to be taking care of me, which is nice. Plus, I get the reassurance of their heartbeats and growth measurements sooner than expected. Can't complain!

***

DH and I had our first aid class tonight. The teacher was a hot fireman, with a horrible Jim Carrey from the Cable Guy laugh. It was AWFUL. But the class went fast, and we got out early. The bad news was he was out of certification cards, so our application will have to wait until he sends them to us in the mail, and we scan and send them on to our foster care agency.

Now, all that is left is DH's health assessment and TB test on the 26th. So, so close.

8wk 1d

I <3 the BellaBand (8wk 0d)

If you haven't got one already, every single one of you needs the BellaBand. If you have never heard of it, you can buy them anywhere online, even Amazon. It is a band of stretchy material that you wear around your waist. You can totally unbutton your pants and slide this band over the button/zipper/etc. area and your pants will stay up and no one will be the wiser.

I wore the BellaBand for the first time today. And its the most comfortable thing ever. I totally felt like I was in my comfy velour pants that I've worn all throughout our treatments.

So, big point here, I recommend them for all women, not just pregnant ladies. Because I would have loved this thing 6 months ago when I was bloated from stimming and none of my pants fit. And if you aren't stimming, I will be using this when AF arrives and I have to fight that bloat. I was even thinking it would come in handy if you ate a big dinner!

You should probably buy one in every color. I have black, but am going to go back for white and brown. I <3 the BellaBand!!!!!

Next, some of you may already know that we had our 8 week sono appointment today. The twins are both doing well. They had healthy heartbeats. They are measuring 8 wk 1 day. They have big heads and tiny little arm buds. See for yourself:

What do you mean you can't see it? Well, neither can I. I feel like Rachel in that Friends episode where Ross can see everything the doctor is pointing out and she just waits until the doctor leaves and cries, I don't see it! Even in the close up pictures, these babies look like blobs to me. Blobs with heartbeats, but blobs nonetheless.

We have been graduated from the CRM and will now be seeing my OB. He is booked for like the next two months (he's kind of a big deal) but they were going to talk to him about slipping me in somewhere. So, we're waiting to hear back from him.

Dr VW (the fabulous RE) has asked me to start an OTC iron supplement because she says that mothers of twins can suffer from anemia. So, I will be starting that soon. And she says the placenta will take over for the progesterone sometime during week 8 so I only need to finish one more vial of those IM injections...but if it made me feel better psychologically I could continue to week 12. I think I'll feel it out, but probably go ahead and use up what I have. Why not?

***

We had our home visit for our foster care license today. DH is home with me now, surfing the web on his laptop. It's so nice to have him home before dark! The visit went fine. Answering questions about the regulations, getting fingerprinted, having them inspect the house.

Tomorrow night, we have our mandatory first aid class, and then DH has his physical/TB test on the 26th. We should have our temporary license by the end of the month and be getting calls to take kids ASAP. I'm happy we have a few more weeks, because right now, I am so tired, I would be the worst caregiver ever.

Saliva Factory (7wk 4d)

So, I got a new symptom today. Which I have never once experienced before in my life. Even if you've never had morning sickness, you know what it's like to be nauseas. Never had a BFP? Still know the agony of sore boobs. Constipation? If not, I hate you.

Today, my mouth became a saliva factory. I noticed while talking to my boss this morning that I had little drool pools at the sides of my mouth, almost like I needed to suck it in before I spoke. Coming up the stairs talking to our marketing director, I had to swallow before I could respond to a simple How are you? It didn't make me sicker or puke, which is nice. But its definitely new. And I think its normal. But a very odd sensation nonetheless.

***

I've noticed my comments are down. And I worry that now that I've crossed over into pregnancy talk that I'll lose some of you. I hope not because your support has meant the world to me, but if its painful for you here, I understand and I wouldn't blame you for moving on. I know for some people, talk of pregnancies can be very difficult. At the same time, I still consider myself infertile.

More likely, you are tired of me talking about my constipation and don't find bathroom texting as hilarious as me and my sister. Touche.

***

We received our very first 'baby' gift today. My friend S had given us the Baby Bargains book, but this is an actual gift for the baby. A woman who works at one of our stores in Topeka brought me some adorable Carter baby socks today. I *almost* cried and did have to give her a hug. Isn't that the sweetest thing?! This woman, who I think is very sweet, but really maybe only talk to once a month when she has a question, bought my babies a gift. Their very first pairs of socks. I was very, very touched. I couldn't find a picture online, otherwise I would paste it here.

Family Drama (7wk 3 d)

So, I have been feeling super tired and nauseas all weekend. Hooray! (raises arm over head and begins celebratory fist pumping!) regardless of whether I take my pre-natal vitamin, there will be naps. Feeling crappy has got me feeling way better!

***

DH is installing the hand rail to our basement in preparation for our home visit this Thursday for our foster care license. After that, I hope he will continue his work by congregating all the harmful chemicals in the garage behind locked doors. And then, dare I say this, I *think* we are done. We just need to flip the tot locks to 'on' and we're ready for the state. I can't believe we're this close.

***

Had lunch today with DH's family to celebrate his mom's birthday. His step-father took DH outside after lunch and made some comment about how excited they are about the babies and how they 'hope' I don't keep them out of their lives. What?! Excuse me?! Like I've somehow kept their son out of their life?! I was aghast, but am going to NOT take it personal, and am going to let it go. T's JOB is what keeps him out of their life, and mine. The man works 6 to 7 days each week, and doesn't get home until almost 8 each night. He has no life. T joked on the drive home that the main reason he hasn't seen them as much since we got married is that he no longer goes to their house to do laundry. So, feeling a little bit falsely accused but letting it go, because I have no idea where this comment came from and so I'm trying not to get all pissy for no reason. However....

DH did point out to him that we are concerned about how well his mother does not get around. She is morbidly obese and has horrible knees. She has a handicap sticker. She can hardly walk, so we have concerns about her carrying the babies. T's step-dad reassured him that he is concerned about that, too, and will make sure the babies are in saucers or he's the one always doing the carrying.

I myself think this is all WAY premature. We aren't even out of our first trimester yet and she wants to buy car seats and cribs for HER house. While I appreciate their enthusiasm and know they will be excellent grandparents someday, I want to have kids for me, for us, for our family. I don't see me popping them out and dumping them at her house every weekend. Plus, I've spent days researching car seats. I would much prefer that she use the ones we buy. But even then, I asked T, Where does she plan on taking them? It's bizarre to me.

I have a couple other issues surrounding this deal. The first of which is that I'm super controlling in normal every day life. I am. I am organized. Efficient. I get stuff done, my way. I know that when I'm insecure, I become even more controlling. And I know that when we have two newborns at home that I will be even moreso. I will be worried about being a good mom and uncomfortable in my new role, so I will want to control every variable in the beginning. It's a part of who I am under normal healthy circumstances, so I think everyone should anticipate that when we do have kids. I will be a control freak of a mother, at first. As I become more confident and secure in that role, then I'll let up and become less b*tchy. But if you're already accusing me of shutting you out of the kids' life and they aren't even viable yet, then I think maybe I'm not the only one with a control issue. Hmmmmmm.

Sorry, just had to vent about that. I know they are excited. My MIL has been asking us when we were going to have babies since before we were married. And about a month before we found out we were pg had mentioned some backyard playground thing she wanted to buy. I love my MIL. She is wonderful and accepting and would have never made the comment to T that his step father did today. But she has also made me feel pressured to produce grandkids. That can be her one flaw.

***

I found a new blog today, the Foster Family, which I thought was going to be about a family who took care of foster kids. But I guess their last name must be foster. They're having twin girls any day/week now. It was a google reader recommendation. Anyway, she had this makemebabies.com picture there, so I made one for us. I had to delete the boy because everytime I create it, he has red hair (no offense!) but here is the girl. I'm thinking of trying the boy again with a different pic of us.

One Sick Puppy (7 wk 1 d)

I say 7wk 1d, but I worry something's gone wrong and I no longer am pregnant, and I'll find this out next Thursday at my sonogram. And its all my fault. Here's why:

I stopped taking my pre-natal vitamin in the morning and have the past three days taken them in the evening about the same time as my progesterone injection. And so, I haven't been as nauseas or dizzy. Or, maybe not because of this, maybe because something tragic happened and I am no longer pregnant. So, at the risk of absolutely ruining my Saturday and spending it in bed, I am strongly considering taking tomorrow's pre-natal vitamin in the morning. If I don't get sick, I will have some sort of evidence to justify my worry. Plus....

The spotting has continued all week. I notice a slight discoloration on the toilet paper intermittently throughout the day, every day. Always slightly brown. Never pink. Never red. I know this is no reason to worry, but it still bothers me. I know I saw spotting the night before my last sono. And everything was just fine then. I know. I also haven't been as totally exhausted (although perhaps that is because I've been falling asleep by 9 every night so maybe the extra sleep is helping). And the boobs no longer hurt, like ever.

Spotting + no symptoms = worry. Even though I know it does me no good. Even though I have no concrete reason to worry. I hate to repeat myself, but I think this is the curse of infertility - never fully believing you are pregnant, or can stay pregnant, or have a healthy child. I don't want to worry, but I do. Maybe if I could just puke.

In other news, the leadership class has been going well. There is lots of food, which is nice. I haven't been too tired or nauseas (good for the class, bad for my worrying). I do notice I yawn a lot in the afternoons. But the people don't suck, and althought there are a few who seem full of themselves, in general, they are authentic and I am learning a lot from them.

Only six more days before our 8 week ultrasound. I'm anxious to be sure everything is okay. Duh! I hope I am made a fool by two healthy heartbeats in perfect size and substance.

Bathroom Humor (6wk 6d)

So, I have this rule about not going poo in public places. I am open about it, and often refer to it as a medical condition. I explain, "I have a shy bowel." There are probably less than 10 times in the 7 years I've worked for my current employer that I have gone #2 in the building. And I'm blaming most of those on laxatives, hangovers, and spicy queso. I will go days without going if I have to share a hotel room with my boss.

But today, I was finally getting some relief from some constipation, but not quite enough relief, so I got stuck, in the bathroom. With no reading material. I went first to the back panel of the air freshener can. Then, I resorted to the hand soap label. Left with no other 'relaxing' activities, I texted my sister and told her about my dilemma. Giggling from that exchange got me through this traumatic event. But, seriously, constipation stinks. And I would like my own private bathroom at all times.

***

The spotting returned yesterday. It was there in the morning before I left for work. And I didn't see any more evidence for the rest of the day. Today, it has been hardly noticeable at all. The toilet paper at work is so crappy it looks grey all the time! But, I for sure saw some when I got home tonight. I wish, oh how I wish, it would just go away. I am not panicking. I have scheduled my next sonogram for NEXT Thursday. I think I could have 'accidentally' scheduled it for tomorrow and claimed ignorance, but I did not. I am strong. If the doctor says brown is old and nothing to worry about, then I'm going to go with that. But its hard. Very, very hard.

***

I have two long days coming up tomorrow and Friday, and I'm a bit anxious about what all will happen. I am in this leadership program through the local chamber of commerce. And we have like 10 meetings in the next 3 months. Tomorrow, our first meeting, we meet from 12pm to 7:30pm. And Friday 8am to 5pm. I have no idea what we'll be doing, and I'm paranoid I'll be required to stand in some group activities and that I'll be dizzy or nauseas. I'm hoping we get to start with some introductions activity and I can tell everyone about the pregnancy, and then I won't have people thinking I'm a lazy fat cow because I sit and eat snacks all day. I'll have a medical excuse.

***

Did I mention I'm worried about the spotting? But, I'm going to try to remember that the first time I saw spotting was the night before the sonogram last Thursday when we saw the twins' heartbeats and everything was okay then, so hopefully everything is okay now.