Saturday, January 3, 2009

24 weeks, 2 days

Ok, seriously, I feel like I have been gone FOREVER! But its really only been 8 days.

DH and I had a fabulous visit with family in Iowa. My brother has .... wait for it ... dial up ... can't even believe those words are still in my vocab ... and so there was no google reader for me this week. I would rather go without than wait for those downloads. So, I was off the grid for several days.

Highlights include rubbing cocoa butter on my stretch marks with my SIL, who is expecting their 3rd child in July; getting to spend the day with my nephews taking them to lunch at the Sugar Shack and a visit to my grandparents house that afternoon; having more days off from work in a row than I've had in years; and just getting to be with my family - I love them all so much! I was sad that my mother could not be there, sad for her, and for me. And I really missed them when we were opening gifts, like the room was too spacious and there wasn't enough mayhem or something. But otherwise, it was just a thoroughly enjoyable trip.

I returned to work yesterday, and found it very difficult to put in a full 8 hours. Though I am in a much better mental state than I was when I left last week, I still am not 100% motivated. And my physical energy level is kicking my a** as well. I hate this time of year, every year, when things are slow and I have no deadlines looming. This year is even worse, because I'm coming off of a 3-year project that was all consuming, and was looking forward to doing 'my' job again only to have it basically cancelled. I kind of feel like I'm just putting in my time until the twins arrive. Which is nice, I guess, not to have any stress and to not really have to worry that I'm going to be leaving anything undone. But also highly demotivating.

I sometimes think I am totally overpaid for what I do. First of all, because I love my job. And who gets to be paid to do something they love? But secondly, because I sometimes do some pretty mundane tasks. Like yesterday, I shipped federal employment law posters. Um, yes, I think I mastered the art of Fed Ex in high school. But then, next week, I will be in strategic planning meetings, which will hopefully recharge my internal batteries. And will give me goals.

And at other times, when I am not thinking I'm overpaid, I am thinking I should change jobs. I should go somewhere that it would be all strategic planning, and no administrative tasks. I like the variety, but in the slow times, I feel like all I do is grunt work. Which pays well, but doesn't make me a better professional, or challenge me.

And I think this year, in particular, I really wanted to go to this particular conference, to get some fresh ideas and to really begin to plan what my next three years will look like. But I can't go to that conference. I can't go anywhere. Because I'm pregnant. And then I'll be on maternity leave.

And through all of this, I know it is temporary, and I will be so busy I could puke in about two weeks and I won't even have time to pee, and I'll be wishing for an invoice to pay or a poster to ship.

But yesterday, I was feeling a little down. And a little lost.


***
In less totally depressing news, I received a copy of my baby shower invitations in the mail yesterday. My friend, S., is throwing me a shower on January 31st. Which is a long time away, but seems right around the corner. I just hope I'm not on bed rest then - I will be 28 weeks and 3 days! I'm so excited to have my very own shower. And to be with my girlfriends for lunch and to get the gifts and to see the nursery come together. We've been holding off on purchasing anything (other than the crib) so we could just fill in the gaps of what others get for us. I will still have another shower in February. (Hopefully, they will set that date soon - as I continue to worry about bed rest)
This weekend, DH is working both days, so I am home alone with the dog. I plan to watch some Tivo, perhaps return some things to the mall, and hopefully see a movie with friend S., and attend worship tomorrow with DH before he goes to work.
***
In pregnancy news, I'm not complaining, but I'm definitely getting some second trimester symptoms.
Most noticably, I am uncomfortable a lot of the time. Not in pain, per se, but not relaxed, either. It's okay during the day, I just switch seats or positions or walk around for a few minutes. But at night, I am a log roll. On my left, then my right, then my hips hurt so I try to find some way to get comfy on my back, but that's impossible, so its back to my side. I've been taking Tylenol PM for the past few nights, which helps me get to sleep, and takes away some of the discomfort. But that must wear off around 3am, because that's when the tossing and turning begins.
I have had some heartburn, but nothing some Tums can't tackle. Last night, I woke up with this burning sensation at 3am which is new, but thankfully, the Tums were on the nightstand, so I just reached out and got one and didn't choke on it in my sleep.
I have had some shortness of breath, which is better if I'm sitting up, but concerned me at first because I've never had breathing problems before. I know its normal, but I don't like to feel out of breath all the time.
I can still be emotional. Not angry. But cry for little or no reason. Last night, I teared up on the drive home from work, because I didn't have any plans for the weekend. Which I should be thankful for because it means I can rest, but seemed awful lonely when I was driving home in the dreary winter weather (although it was 50 degrees yesterday, so who am I to complain?).
Ok, I think that's all for now. No swelling. I can still eat just fine. No ugly dark line down my belly (yet) and my belly button is still an in-y, not yet an out-y.
***
One final thought that I've been having lately. I want this pregnancy more than anything else right now. Why else would I have gone through the financial woes, the daily injections, the vag cams, and now the pregnancy? No one who didn't really really want to be a mom would do this, right? But sometimes, when the reality of two little people being born here in a few weeks hits home, I get a little bit overwhelmed about the enormity of it all. The responsibility of being a mom. Never having an afternoon to just lay on the couch and watch Lifetime movies again. Teaching them not to rip the cereal bag out of the box, or not to hit girls, or to put the toilet seat back down. Paying for childcare. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Our lives are never going to be the same. We are never going to be just husband and wife again. We will forever be mom and dad. Parents. And I'm 90% thrilled to experience this new life with my husband, and to do this together. And I'm 10% convinced that I will fail. That I will just not be good enough, or that I'll hate it. Or that we'll be bankrupt and not be able to give our kids swim lessons.
But only 10% of me feels that way, and I try to acknowledge that voice and work through those feelings, with rational thought, instead of cramming it down like its not normal or its wrong. If I wasn't scared, well, then maybe I'd be in denial, huh?

7 comments:

Seriously? - Erin said...

Hey Lady! Glad to see you back. Sounds like you had a great time with your family.

I can understand a bit about the being overwhelmed. I am so nervous about having a baby, as much as I really want him!

The thought of being a mother is so overwhelming...! On the other hand, I am sure we can handle it (you, doubly!!!).

Pepper said...

Hey, people who don't have those doubts are overconfident and in for a rude awakening. It just means you're human. But you'll do great. I'm sure of it.

The part about work reminds me that I need to start getting caught up at work. Ugh...

Anyway, glad you had a nice holiday!

G$ said...

First - the admin grunt work, I think its an important part of a good job. Humbles us and keeps our egos in check and helps us feel productive on days when our brains can't take much more.

You are going to be a great mom, you won't fail. You can come this far with anticipation and love. You can do this too.

Shower sounds exciting, makes it really real, right?

Much love to you
xox

Silver said...

Good luck with the rest of your PG. Twins keep you busy but it is amazing to watch them grown and interact. I am sure you will adjust well, I don't think as a new parent you will have time to worry about anything other than being a parent!

Hope you don't get to uncomfy along the way!

JamieD said...

Welcome back to the world of high speed internet!!

There is something about this time of the year - dreary weather, short days, coming down from the high of the holidays. Things just seem . . . dull.

I have all the same thoughts about being a parent. All we have gone through and I am scared we will finally have children and I'll hate it. It embarasses me to say that, but it is the honest truth. I look around at our life and it is a good one, why am I trying so hard (and spending so much money) to change it? I think those are all normal feelings we are having. We are such a fickle bunch!!

JamieD said...

One more thing - if you want that recipe, shoot me an email!

Jill said...

Glad to see that you're back! And sounds like you had a good time with your family-fun stuff!

I understand the anxiety and uncertainty about life after pregnancy. It can seem a little daunting. But, I think you'll do a great job!