Irrational Fears

I had a really rough night on Saturday - all the hip pain, walking like a rusted out robot on the way to/from the potty, the leg cramps. And for the first time yet, it continued into the next day. I was so uncomfortable Sunday morning, there was no way I was going to church, and I just moved from room to room searching for a comfortable piece of furniture. Finally, I fell back asleep at 11am and when I awoke a few hours later, I felt better.

During these uncomfortable hours, the rational me kept saying I was just having a bad night. But the pessimist in me started to panic that this was the beginning of the end, that this state would be my permanent condition for the next two months.

I also briefly feared that I had a blood clot in my left leg.

***

What I reall need to confess is just how serious my fear of premature labor has become. Pretty much every day at some point, I will become convinced that I'm having contractions. Most likely, this is one or more of the twins moving inside of me. But I worry that I'm not going to recognize the contractions when they do start, and then it will be too late to stop them by the time I seek a medical intervention. I have never known what was going on in there, why should I start now?

My OB said they feel like menstrual cramps, and everything I read says You'll Know! because they're regular, like in a timed interval pattern, even if not painful at first. I just don't know. So far, everything I feel in there is like continuous. Nothing comes and goes like cramping.

Who are these women who are so in tune with their bodies that they 'just know' they are pregnant or they 'just know' its a girl??? I have zero self awareness. And I think its scary that I'm the one whose responsible for feeling these things out. I in no way trust myself on this one.

So, I take a Tylenol PM every night, lay on my left side, and drink lots of water. I try not to overdo it during the day. And pee frequently, because I have noticed a full bladder makes me feel more 'contraction-y' - whatever that means.

***

On a more practical level, I bought a new CD alarm clock for the boys today when FINALLY picking up my prescription at Target. And guess what? The CD player function on this one works, but it has a tracking problem so it sounds like a cricket is chirping every few seconds. Can no manufacturer put together a fully functional alarm clock? So, I guess if the roads are okay tomorrow (impending ice storm tonight) I will return alarm clock #2. Sheesh!

Is this Denial?

So, I came home from Walmart (8am on Saturdays is not too busy, make a note) and wanted to inhale a bowl of Lucky Charms while watching some good t.v. I ran across this show called Unconvential Births on the Discovery Channel which is a documentary of 3 women who chose midwives and birthing centers over traditional births.

I really wanted to imbed some footage for you here, but I couldn't find anything online :(

I will first preface the rest of this story with this - I am very traditional when it comes to healthcare. I will be in a hospital. There will be pain management, nurses, doctors, possibly interns, and bright lights, linoleum floors, curtains, sterility, all that.

Without judging their non-traditional approach, I found myself laughing out loud at the huge transformation of these women. My favorite one was having a water birth, with her young daughter and husband in the water with her, screaming to God and at one point even screamed, and I quote, "Get It Out!" which was about 10 seconds before she held her baby and exclaimed, "That was wonderful!"

As I was laughing, I thought to myself, Am I going to be in trouble? Will I really be screaming like that? Or Are these women just crazy? And then Will I even have a labor experience, or will ours be a scheduled cesarean? Now really, Am I just in denial?

So far, I've been very hands off and non-controlling about the whole Birth Plan aspect of this pregnancy. Mostly because, I have this feeling so much of it will be out of my control. I mean, they could come today. Or at 40 weeks. Or anytime in between. I have no control over that. So, do I need a birth plan? I know I don't want a water birth. I know I want an epidural. What else is there for me to decide up front? I guess maybe because everything about this has been so medical, the whole process of IVF is so out of your control. You do this one little part - give yourself shots - and then everything else is handled by medical professionals. I don't know. I guess I maybe just don't want to get my heart set on having things go a certain way and then be upset or stressed out when things go another way.

***

In other news, the alarm clock that had arrived earlier in the week is now headed back to the retailer. DH and I bought a Baby Einstein CD last night on our now weekly date night trip to Target, and listened to it in the car on the way home (love it!) but when I tried it in the alarm clock realized that part does not work. So, now the search continues for an alarm clock that perhaps all of the functions will work.

I also bought anti-bacterial sanitizer for the changing table, a lamp for the bookcase (still need a lampshade), and a shower curtain liner for our guest bath for all the guests who have threatened to visit once the twins arrive. Baby steps.

27 Weeks!

We are 27 weeks today. And I am continually amazed that I am indeed pregnant, that this indeed my life, preparing for the arrival of these boys and the fact that I'm already a mom. I'm a mom. I'm pregnant! This is really happening to me!



The visit to the potential daycare provider went well. Next step is to call her references. Should probably figure out what I want to ask them first. And even if we don't go with her, I've got the first home visit under my belt, and I feel empowered to go and visit other homes. I liked her a lot, but I guess I want to make sure I've checked out all our options...



The boys' alarm clock arrived today, and is now set up in their room. A small, but important step. DH is excited that the numbers are large enough he'll be able to read it without his glasses on. I think they're obnoxiously huge, but would be terribly shallow to return it now that he's made that particular point, wouldn't I? So, it stays.



The receptionist at my office brought the boys gifts today - two bibs, two bottles, and two little spoons, all emblazoned with one of our vendor logos on them. So super cute! She said she just wanted to thank me, because when she was pregnant several years ago and was having difficulties, I always reassured her that her job was secure and she should take care of herself. Really?! I did that?! Anyway, I was touched.



And now, for a little griping about Target...I saw a coupon in the Sunday paper for a $10 gift card if you brought them a new prescription. I knew I would be getting a new RX for my pre-natals, as my RX from my RE would expire and had no more refills, so I waited to take it there. They didn't have it in stock, so said I could pick it up today after 2pm. I go tonight with DH and they hadn't even ordered it yet, because there were several kinds and they weren't sure which one I needed. They had their answer from my OB but mysteriously had not bothered to call me to tell me it wasn't there. So, the extra trips and fuel consumption are starting to cut into the value of my $10 gift card. I'm sort of wishing I had just gone to Walgreens, where the original one was filled.



Lastly, I had to have our foster care worker take us off the active list today. She called today with a set of 18-month and 30-month boys who needed a place to stay for the weekend. I'm only supposed to be working 4-hour days, DH is working both days this weekend so I will be home alone, and she said these kids were developmentally delayed and very active. It was so tempting to take them, because we haven't been able to take one placement yet, but at the same time, I know I would be overdoing it and risking the life of my own boys if I said yes. I really, really want to be able to provide foster care. But the timing is just so sucky. So, that was hard, but a decision we (DH and I) felt we had to make at least this time around.



The somewhat-non-productive days of my first week or so on half days have been replaced by the breakneck pace of an encroaching computer upgrade, and perhaps overcommitting myself a tad. The last two days have been super busy, and while I'm grateful for the day to pass quickly and for the feeling of productivity, I could use something more in between. Thankfully, well, make that hopefully, tomorrow will be more reasonable and I can find a happy medium.

Poor old Sarah Palin

So, I survived the glucose test today. Yay me! It was sugary. And I was a little light headed in the waiting room, but I just stopped reading the icky old issue of Newsweek, and sipped on some bottled water I had brought.

OB once again warned me that bed rest is imminent, but is allowing me to continue the 4 hour at-work days for now. My current goal is to make it until at least February 6th which is my last big meeting. Pretty please with sugar on top! Oh, maybe not sugar. Better wait til I get my glucose results back first!

But back to the Newsweek article. This is SO old news, since the magazine hit the stands back on October 8th, I think, and President Obama was inaugurated today, I know, I get it, but they have really old magazines there and I didn't have anything else to do during my hour-long wait.

Anyway, it was the absolute worst picture of Sarah Palin - you could see faint black lines of a moustache growing in, plus stray eyebrows that had probably been plucked two weeks ago, but were now growing back. SO not flattering and this copy and paste I'm giving you simple will not do it justice, I'm sure...

Just had to share.

I'm off to put the boys' bookcase/storage unit together that DH picked up last night. Progress!

Oh, and I've got a visit scheduled with a potential daycare provider tomorrow afternoon. I just loved her on the phone. Wish me luck!

Back Pain

So, my back hurt yesterday (not lower back, so not worried about premature labor). So, I took two Tylenol and laid with the heating pad on my back, with my self wedged up against two body pillows up against the wall until I felt better*. And I did feel better after about an hour.

And unfortunately, it hurt again this morning. So, I cut short my precious 4 hours in the office to come home and revisit the heating pad therapy. Tomorrow, I may have to actually take the heating pad with me. Good thing I have an office! My boss did suggest I could wear a Thermacare bandage, so that's an idea for Wednesday and Thursday when I'll be leading training, and would look rather conspicuous with a white cord trailing out of my back side....plus, I'm not sure where my extension cord is right now...

Today is Monday. I will be 27 weeks on Thursday. I hope this is not a preview of how I'll spend my 3rd trimester. I hope its a passing thing. The little pollyanna in me remembers having back pain weeks ago, and that it went away after about a week. The cynical little realist slaps pollyanna backhanded and screams Don't you realize that you're almost 7 months pregnant with twins for pete's sake, of course this is a preview!

*One thing I always took for granted when using a heating pad for cramps or other things in the past - the ability to lie on your back! Do you know how hard it is to wedge yourself against something to create enough pressure to keep the heating pad flush against your skin (even when tucked into your shirt) and yet still be comfortable.

BUT I'M NOT COMPLAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really, truly, I'm not. I still feel like this has been an exceptionally pleasant pregnancy. I'm uncomfortable, but its not intolerable. And I am once again reminded just how darn lucky I am that I have a job where I can work from home.

***

In emotional news, last night's episode of Deperate Housewives made me cry. Yes, a sad, sappy story of some handyman. I am totally blaming the hormones for that one!

***

I have my one-hour gestational diabetes test tomorrow at OB's office. I hope I don't puke, pass out, or anything else embarrassing!!

26wks, 2days

First of all, I really appreciate all the really great ideas for gifts for my DH and for my shower hostesses. I think they all gave me a good place to start. So, thank you for taking the time to share your ideas with me.

I bought BFF/S a candle I know she loves last night at the World Market. So, that can be my default hostess gift for her, or if I find something better, her birthday is the following week.

***

DH was off work early last night, so we had a 'date night' which consisted of a trip to Target, World Market, getting take out pizza and watching a movie. We ran into two other couple friends who had the same idea. I guess we're grown ups now!

I'm desperate to be productive on baby things, even though I'm waiting for most things until AFTER my showers. So, I bought myself some nipple pads last night. Sexy, huh? Well, it was something small, but at least one thing off of my list.

The other thing I bought is totally and completely going to reveal to you all just how vain I truly am. I bought a mirror that stands on its own, just a cheap little mirror, for the hospital, so if I can't stand in the bathroom to put on some makeup, I can at least sit this mirror on the hospital bed table thing and make myself presentable. Vain. Vain. Vain. But it beats deleting every picture of me from the hospital shots because I look like ass, doesn't it?

***

Another one of my hobbies right now (in addition to accumulating baby supplies and things for our hospital bag) is determining where in our budget we can and cannot cut back. It started when we were financing our IVF cycles - I can cut back on Starbucks and eating out; get books at the library instead of buying them, etc. Since we got pregnant, I have been trying out different generic brands of things like toilet paper, facial tissues, etc. My husband thinks I'm crazy, but is enjoying poking fun at this 'research' as I call it. And we've learned so much already. For example, we absolutely cannot use generic toilet paper. The biggest compromise I have been able to bear so far is the new Charmin basic or whatever its called. I can get 'cheaper' shampoo, but not generic, and I cannot compromise on my conditioner (I <3>

This week, at lunch one day, I decided to return to Wal-Mart. Years ago, when we were first starting out, I bought all my groceries there. But the people who shop at the Wal-Mart by our house are NOT my peers. The stress of the parking lot, the long lines at the check out, the rude people and their rowdy children was just too much. So, I found value in the open aisles at Dillons and Target. And I paid for it. But it was worth it to me after a long day at work, not to have to deal with the hell that is Wal-Mart.

But I've gone twice this week, and both experiences were not too bad. There were definitely more people there today, than there were Wednesday at lunch. But I don't move too fast right now anyway, so I just took my time and meandered up and down every aisle with my list.

And I've started a spreadsheet of how much things cost at Wal-Mart, so when I inevitably have to run to one of the other stores in a hurry, I can compare. It's anal. It's perhaps a little obsessive. But I want to quantify how much I'm saving by going to Wal-Mart. I think its a chore. But its a price I'm considering paying of my own personal comfort to save us some major dough - to be spent on daycare, diapers, etc.

Help!

I need some help:

1 - I want to get my husband a gift when the twins arrive. Something significant and meaningful. My first idea was a watch, but he already has a nice one. He doesn't need cufflinks, though it would be totally cute to give him cufflinks with the boys' initials on them. Does anybody have any good ideas? I'm stumped.

2 - Do you think I should get a gift for the hostesses of my baby showers? I must admit that my mother never threw showers for anyone, so I have no experience in the right etiquette for this. I'm *so* appreciative of them doing this for me, and so I want to do something, but I'm not sure what's appropriate. Any experience in this area?

3 - Another question regarding showers - is it tacky to have someone write down the gifts you receive and who gave them to you? I don't want to miss anyone on the thank-you's but I'm afraid this is tacky somehow. What have you seen done?

More joys...

Today, I realized the following joys of working from home all afternoon:

• When I was craving chocolate, I just walked into the kitchen and whipped up a batch of brownies. Mmmmmmm. Warm brownies.
• When I felt the boys kicking, I could lift up my shirt and watch my belly. Pretty much never going to happen in the office!
  

***

Returned two unwanted, yet generous Christmas gifts today, so we were able to purchase one of the two needed bookcases for the nursery and it only cost us like $5 for tax.
Can I just say how much I love returning Christmas gifts and actually getting things I want or need? My mom was the major contributor to this gift, so I called to confess and share my enthusiasm. She made me feel better by telling me my younger brother returned his gift and bought a new game for his Wii. Um, at least I feel responsible, if not judgemental for my choice ;-)

***

My boss, who is going to be gone the rest of this week to a conference in San Diego called me a dirtbag on the phone this afternoon and then giggled and snickered in my ear for like 5 minutes straight. Which is only funny if you've read this. I think she's a little excited to get away.

The joys of bed rest!

There are a few highlights to working at home. Specifically, today, I am appreciating the following

• I can screen my calls becuase my cell phone has caller id, and my office phone does not.

• I never have to wait in line for the bathroom!

Playing Hookie (25w 3d)

DH is downstairs shaving, and I am seriously considering skipping church this morning. I need to get up in the next 8 minutes to get ready, if we're going. But its like 2.5 hours out of our already limited time together.

On the other hand, I always feel like my life is more centered when we go, and I will miss that start to my week. If only I could go there in my pajamas with no makeup.

Am I seriously so lazy that I let a little grooming keep me from worship? Actually, I am.

***

Yesterday, I put the second crib together while DH was at work. Shhhhh. Don't tell Dr. C.

Actually, most of the work was done while sitting. And then I took a nap in the afternoon.

Which made it harder to sleep last night.

I already have enough trouble sleeping at night what with the frequent urination, the leg cramps, and the hip pain that requires switching sides every hour or so. Not that I'm complaining but if a nap interferes with that already delicate balance, then no more naps for me!

***

We received the invitation for our second shower in the mail yesterday. It's so adorable! And I'm enjoying having something to look forward to!

I had several people offer to throw us showers, but ended up on agreeing to just two - my BFF/S and my boss. They have both invited a few more people, which is kind of awkward because I feel like it looks like I'm 'asking' for gifts, but at the same time, I know that I didn't really invite these extra people, and I do like them all, so I'm just letting it go. But obviously, I still have a bit of a hangup about it, when I think about it.

I must confess - however - that I am now in the habit of checking our registries when I add things to them. For example, yesterday, somebody apparently bought us our pack n play:

which I plan to use as a bassinet in our bedroom for the first few weeks. So, I was excited to see that!

But my point was this - I feel greedy checking the registry and see what has/has not yet been purchased. But at the same time, its exciting, and we have a lot of things we haven't purchased yet, because everyone told me to wait until after the showers, so I guess I am just anxious to get the rest of the necessities. I'd like to blame the fear of pre-term labor, but its probably just my OCD.

There are a few items that are not on the registry that I am planning to pick up before the showers. Little things, really, like a clock/CD player/radio and a lamp. Maybe a small trash can. Some things that won't cost much, but will help me to feel like I'm accomplishing something during this waiting period. Also, the personal things like nipple shields or pads that I have on my list for my hospital bag, but seriously could never ask someone to buy for us. That would be like registering for tampons. Plus, I am legitimately afraid that I'm going to have to go on full bed rest and then I would be forced to finish up these tasks online.

***

The boys had not been moving enough for my taste yesterday, but my prayers have been answered and they were active last night, and are at this moment kicking me. I think one must have flipped over for at least a little while. Here I thought I was over the constant worry, but now I am constantly aware of their movements or lack thereof and its just given me a more tangible thing to focus on.

Week 2 of half days starts tomorrow, and I think this week is seriously going to drag.....Last week, I was saved by meetings, but this week most of my peers will be at a conference that I cannot attend because of my travel restrictions. Woah is me.....

First Day of Bed Rest

Okay, so today is my first official day of working 4 hours at the office and then resting/working 4 hours from home.

I've been home about 3 hours now. Resting, I can do. Working from here is oh so difficult.

Don't get me wrong. I've responded to every email and every phone call I've received. I've even been working ahead on projects I know will come due when I will be on maternity leave. But today is not a banner day. I am not a top performer.

In the last 3 hours, I have cheated the company in the following ways:

• made personal calls and emails to lock in a killer rate on refinancing our house.
• talked to my husband about 3 times, when I normally forbid him from pestering me at the office (we are a bad combo today as he knows I am home, and I know he is on a long road trip).
• checked out the infant clothing sale at 0ldnavy.c0m.
• ran the dishwasher.
• reserved a book at the public library.
• read all of my blogs on google reader.
• am now updating my own blog.
• and plan to call a potential daycare provider when I'm done!

Tomorrow, I am working a few more hours, so the bed rest portion of my day will be shorter. And I'm going to plan better for tomorrow. I have a book on order from amazon that is for work, that I can read when it gets here, plus I have one in my office that I want to review for one of my strategic plans. But seriously?! its slow and boring and painful to be alone in this house. Clausterphobic even. I WANT TO GO TO WORK!

Yes, I recognize I am just pouting and I should be grateful that I can go to work at least part time for now. So, please just give me this one day of pouting. I promise to have a plan of attack and be much more cooperative tomorrow......

24weeks 4 days / sono pics

I think they looked a little less alien-like, and a little more filled out now. I'm totally loving the hand. Looks like Baby B is trying to push his way out! Oh, and he's flipped so they are now both head down (bring on the vag delivery!) and spooning like two little parentheses cuddling in my belly. Picture this: (( That's kinda how they are laying in there.

***

First words out of my OB's mouth today were, and I quote, "You're not still working, are you?" After a brief discussion, he is on board with the 4 hours/day reduced office schedule. He even said I don't have to start immediately. He suggested I work toward that. I think I'll start forcing myself to work half days when I can. So, tomorrow, I'll leave just after noon. But Thursday, work at least 9-2; and Friday, take the morning off.

Next OB appointment in two weeks is my glucose test. Directions say to bring a protein. Any ideas what or how much that should be? The girl who made the appointment was zero help.

24 weeks, 2 days

Ok, seriously, I feel like I have been gone FOREVER! But its really only been 8 days.

DH and I had a fabulous visit with family in Iowa. My brother has .... wait for it ... dial up ... can't even believe those words are still in my vocab ... and so there was no google reader for me this week. I would rather go without than wait for those downloads. So, I was off the grid for several days.

Highlights include rubbing cocoa butter on my stretch marks with my SIL, who is expecting their 3rd child in July; getting to spend the day with my nephews taking them to lunch at the Sugar Shack and a visit to my grandparents house that afternoon; having more days off from work in a row than I've had in years; and just getting to be with my family - I love them all so much! I was sad that my mother could not be there, sad for her, and for me. And I really missed them when we were opening gifts, like the room was too spacious and there wasn't enough mayhem or something. But otherwise, it was just a thoroughly enjoyable trip.

I returned to work yesterday, and found it very difficult to put in a full 8 hours. Though I am in a much better mental state than I was when I left last week, I still am not 100% motivated. And my physical energy level is kicking my a** as well. I hate this time of year, every year, when things are slow and I have no deadlines looming. This year is even worse, because I'm coming off of a 3-year project that was all consuming, and was looking forward to doing 'my' job again only to have it basically cancelled. I kind of feel like I'm just putting in my time until the twins arrive. Which is nice, I guess, not to have any stress and to not really have to worry that I'm going to be leaving anything undone. But also highly demotivating.

I sometimes think I am totally overpaid for what I do. First of all, because I love my job. And who gets to be paid to do something they love? But secondly, because I sometimes do some pretty mundane tasks. Like yesterday, I shipped federal employment law posters. Um, yes, I think I mastered the art of Fed Ex in high school. But then, next week, I will be in strategic planning meetings, which will hopefully recharge my internal batteries. And will give me goals.

And at other times, when I am not thinking I'm overpaid, I am thinking I should change jobs. I should go somewhere that it would be all strategic planning, and no administrative tasks. I like the variety, but in the slow times, I feel like all I do is grunt work. Which pays well, but doesn't make me a better professional, or challenge me.

And I think this year, in particular, I really wanted to go to this particular conference, to get some fresh ideas and to really begin to plan what my next three years will look like. But I can't go to that conference. I can't go anywhere. Because I'm pregnant. And then I'll be on maternity leave.

And through all of this, I know it is temporary, and I will be so busy I could puke in about two weeks and I won't even have time to pee, and I'll be wishing for an invoice to pay or a poster to ship.

But yesterday, I was feeling a little down. And a little lost.

***

In less totally depressing news, I received a copy of my baby shower invitations in the mail yesterday. My friend, S., is throwing me a shower on January 31st. Which is a long time away, but seems right around the corner. I just hope I'm not on bed rest then - I will be 28 weeks and 3 days! I'm so excited to have my very own shower. And to be with my girlfriends for lunch and to get the gifts and to see the nursery come together. We've been holding off on purchasing anything (other than the crib) so we could just fill in the gaps of what others get for us. I will still have another shower in February. (Hopefully, they will set that date soon - as I continue to worry about bed rest)

This weekend, DH is working both days, so I am home alone with the dog. I plan to watch some Tivo, perhaps return some things to the mall, and hopefully see a movie with friend S., and attend worship tomorrow with DH before he goes to work.

***

In pregnancy news, I'm not complaining, but I'm definitely getting some second trimester symptoms.

Most noticably, I am uncomfortable a lot of the time. Not in pain, per se, but not relaxed, either. It's okay during the day, I just switch seats or positions or walk around for a few minutes. But at night, I am a log roll. On my left, then my right, then my hips hurt so I try to find some way to get comfy on my back, but that's impossible, so its back to my side. I've been taking Tylenol PM for the past few nights, which helps me get to sleep, and takes away some of the discomfort. But that must wear off around 3am, because that's when the tossing and turning begins.

I have had some heartburn, but nothing some Tums can't tackle. Last night, I woke up with this burning sensation at 3am which is new, but thankfully, the Tums were on the nightstand, so I just reached out and got one and didn't choke on it in my sleep.

I have had some shortness of breath, which is better if I'm sitting up, but concerned me at first because I've never had breathing problems before. I know its normal, but I don't like to feel out of breath all the time.

I can still be emotional. Not angry. But cry for little or no reason. Last night, I teared up on the drive home from work, because I didn't have any plans for the weekend. Which I should be thankful for because it means I can rest, but seemed awful lonely when I was driving home in the dreary winter weather (although it was 50 degrees yesterday, so who am I to complain?).

Ok, I think that's all for now. No swelling. I can still eat just fine. No ugly dark line down my belly (yet) and my belly button is still an in-y, not yet an out-y.

***

One final thought that I've been having lately. I want this pregnancy more than anything else right now. Why else would I have gone through the financial woes, the daily injections, the vag cams, and now the pregnancy? No one who didn't really really want to be a mom would do this, right? But sometimes, when the reality of two little people being born here in a few weeks hits home, I get a little bit overwhelmed about the enormity of it all. The responsibility of being a mom. Never having an afternoon to just lay on the couch and watch Lifetime movies again. Teaching them not to rip the cereal bag out of the box, or not to hit girls, or to put the toilet seat back down. Paying for childcare. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Our lives are never going to be the same. We are never going to be just husband and wife again. We will forever be mom and dad. Parents. And I'm 90% thrilled to experience this new life with my husband, and to do this together. And I'm 10% convinced that I will fail. That I will just not be good enough, or that I'll hate it. Or that we'll be bankrupt and not be able to give our kids swim lessons.

But only 10% of me feels that way, and I try to acknowledge that voice and work through those feelings, with rational thought, instead of cramming it down like its not normal or its wrong. If I wasn't scared, well, then maybe I'd be in denial, huh?