I am already two hours behind my 'normal' Saturday morning schedule. I should already have done my weekly grocery shopping and have it all put away, but I'm having a case of the lazies, I guess.
For the past hour, I have been reading the archives of this blog - a single woman with twin boys who are now 6 months old, born at 32 weeks, I think. The REALITY of twin infants. Oh my! While I was worried that I would not be able to nurse because my body just wouldn't do it or the boys just won't latch, I never considered that it might just be too much work. Her perspective is so real, and so genuine, and yet she remains committed all this time. She is an inspiration, and yet I hope our journey is not so fraught with setbacks. I don't think I could summon her tenacity when it comes to breast feeding.
Am I naive to believe that my REALITY will be any different than hers? Will having a husband make it so much easier? He will go to work. I will be alone. I know it doesn't last forever, and she seems to be past the worst of it, but I just trusted her perspective. She wasn't all polly anna or doom's day. It just was VERY.DIFFICULT the first few weeks or months.
I began to wonder how would I be able to go back to work if feeding and comforting the boys was still so difficult? But then, I think to myself, perhaps work will become a refuge where I can get some time away from crying needy babies, and regroup, so that I can appreciate them when I return. Maybe. Or maybe not.
So far, my plan has been to play it by ear. There is no way I can plan for this, so why bother. The president of our company was asking me about this yesterday. He's so indirect, I finally figured out he meant had I found daycare, but all I heard was that they're all still worried I'll never come back. The best way I could answer is a line I stole from another blog - I just don't think I'm wired to stay home. Will I go back at 6 weeks, or 12, or something in between? Will I not check my voicemail or email for 6 days or 6 weeks? So much depends on when they arrive. And how healthy they are. I can't imagine this - but what if I can't tear myself away?
It's so not like me to not have a plan. But how can you plan for life with twins? How can you plan for something you have so little control over. Most of the time, I know, I live in this somewhat deluded state where I believe I'm in control. If you are faithful like me, you know deep down that God is always in control, but yet we can feel in control with a to-do list or a clean house. Order somehow equals control.
Anyway, the last thing from this woman's blog that has really got me thinking today is just how desperately I want these boys to stay inside, to continue their gestation for as long as possible. I don't want to overdo it, I want to lay on my left side and give them all the nurturing my body was designed to give them. I absolutely do not want them to spend days or weeks in the NICU away from me. I really need to try harder. I may have premature labor anyway. My water could break the next time I stand up to go potty. But I have to do what I can to keep them safe.