Saturday, February 14, 2009

Reality

I am already two hours behind my 'normal' Saturday morning schedule. I should already have done my weekly grocery shopping and have it all put away, but I'm having a case of the lazies, I guess.

For the past hour, I have been reading the archives of this blog - a single woman with twin boys who are now 6 months old, born at 32 weeks, I think. The REALITY of twin infants. Oh my! While I was worried that I would not be able to nurse because my body just wouldn't do it or the boys just won't latch, I never considered that it might just be too much work. Her perspective is so real, and so genuine, and yet she remains committed all this time. She is an inspiration, and yet I hope our journey is not so fraught with setbacks. I don't think I could summon her tenacity when it comes to breast feeding.

Am I naive to believe that my REALITY will be any different than hers? Will having a husband make it so much easier? He will go to work. I will be alone. I know it doesn't last forever, and she seems to be past the worst of it, but I just trusted her perspective. She wasn't all polly anna or doom's day. It just was VERY.DIFFICULT the first few weeks or months.

I began to wonder how would I be able to go back to work if feeding and comforting the boys was still so difficult? But then, I think to myself, perhaps work will become a refuge where I can get some time away from crying needy babies, and regroup, so that I can appreciate them when I return. Maybe. Or maybe not.

So far, my plan has been to play it by ear. There is no way I can plan for this, so why bother. The president of our company was asking me about this yesterday. He's so indirect, I finally figured out he meant had I found daycare, but all I heard was that they're all still worried I'll never come back. The best way I could answer is a line I stole from another blog - I just don't think I'm wired to stay home. Will I go back at 6 weeks, or 12, or something in between? Will I not check my voicemail or email for 6 days or 6 weeks? So much depends on when they arrive. And how healthy they are. I can't imagine this - but what if I can't tear myself away?

It's so not like me to not have a plan. But how can you plan for life with twins? How can you plan for something you have so little control over. Most of the time, I know, I live in this somewhat deluded state where I believe I'm in control. If you are faithful like me, you know deep down that God is always in control, but yet we can feel in control with a to-do list or a clean house. Order somehow equals control.

Anyway, the last thing from this woman's blog that has really got me thinking today is just how desperately I want these boys to stay inside, to continue their gestation for as long as possible. I don't want to overdo it, I want to lay on my left side and give them all the nurturing my body was designed to give them. I absolutely do not want them to spend days or weeks in the NICU away from me. I really need to try harder. I may have premature labor anyway. My water could break the next time I stand up to go potty. But I have to do what I can to keep them safe.

5 comments:

Jess to the Lo said...

Reality of babies is hard. We only had one and it was a hard adjustment. We have friends who had IVF and had one the first time then the second time they had twins. It was a lot of hard work. She is married and has her parents near by that helped a lot. I do hope you do not stress over this too much. We went by the seat of our pants and it worked out well.

JamieD said...

I think you are right - coming home with a new baby (or babies!) is something you can prepare for but never really be ready.

I don't think it will take you long to get into the swing of things! It will all work out, it will just take some major adjusting.

Tiffi33 said...

babies are hard, period.
2 is much more than I can imagine, but I have a very close friend who had twin girls (they were at 34 weeks when born..) and she did nurse them..till 15 months...
it can be done :)
But ya know, however it works out for you, that is how it is supposed to be..

My friends girls had a slight case of twin to twin transfer, and were in NICE for roughly a week(which is practically nothing in terms of NICU..) and they are now 8 years old and doing SO well..

REST as much as you can now :)

Soralis said...

My advice is take it one day at a time and try to savor every moment as it goes by so fast. Take LOTS of photos and video if you can. I can barely even remember the 1st 3 months!

I managed to Nurse, Pump and supplement my boys for 6 months. You just kind of get into a routine and you will get through it just fine. (Of course when the routine is working great something always changes though! :))

It is a wonderful experience to see how they grow and interact. It is hard work but worth every moment!

Hugs and keep 'cooking' those babes as long as you can!

Take care

sushilover said...

I hear ya sister... My work keeps on asking when my absolute last day at work will be. Well that depends on when they come...if I have to go on bed rest...yada yada yada... My answer is..."I'll be here until I'm not." I've also been recently stressing about breast feeding. To be quite honest although when I think about it the overall concept of handling twins has not stressed me. I feel that if I could get through infertility then this is a walk in the park. Well maybe not a walk in the park but well worth the effort. Until yesterday, when I read somewhere that breast feeding in order to be successful needs to be done consistently until about 3-4 weeks otherwise the baby gets nipple confusion. That of course means that I'm on call to feed every 3 hours...day or night. I was counting on taking advantage of my husband or mother-in-law or whoever helping out with feedings...and now I find out it might just be all on me? It's enough to make anyone freak out. But I really think all we can do is take it day by day...and hope for the best. For now I'm doing the same...trying my best to keep the little ones safe and sound for as long as I can. We'll get to the breast feeding issue when it's time. Ugh.