Despite my fabulous afternoon on the deck, I was starting to get depressed this week. I'm tired of my husband working crazy hours and overcommitting. I was devastated to learn he will be working next Saturday AND Sunday. The prospect of a whole weekend alone in this house just about undid me. Normally, I would go out with friends or jump in the car and leave him behind when he pulls this crap. I would be in Iowa with family or Minnesota with friends before he knew what hit him. That's what I normally do. But being 32weeks (and two days!) pregnant with twins, I can't leave the city limits, and I know I need to rest.
I'm sad that I spend so much time home alone. I'm bored with our bedroom and Tivo. I'm impatient for the boys to get here, but determined to keep them in as long as possible. I was beginning to feel like a prisoner to this pregnancy.
But two things have cheered me up.
1 - DH is off today, which is the first Saturday he hasn't worked since Christmas. We went grocery shopping together, and he has been working on his resume so he can find a new job that is not so all-consuming.
2 - My old roommate sent me this video from the Kevin Fowler concert in Manhattan last night - a musician who we discovered when we lived in Houston together. A rowdy drunken country singer whose hits range from 'don't touch my willy' to 'beer, bait, and ammo' to this, our old favorite 'long line of losers'. Last year in November, I took this roommate to a KF concert in KC for his birthday.
So, it was sweet of him to be thinking of me while he was out drinking with his new friends. And also, he said the sweetest thing on the phone yesterday afternoon when I was whining. He didn't judge, he didn't blow off or invalidate my feelings. He simply said, "it will all be worth it." This brought me to tears. He's right and I know it, but sometimes when you're in the forest, its hard to see the daylight. But it felt good to hear him say it. Also made me feel like just because I can't be the friend he goes to beer joints with, that we're still friends. And even though it may feel like my life is on hold right now, I still have a lot of friends who will be waiting for me when I return - or even better, if because I'm now a mother to twins, I can never return to that life.
The video is poor quality and you probably wouldn't recognize the song, but I want to save it here, as a reminder of what a good day today is (especially since I know I could get down again tomorrow).
5 comments:
I struggled with feelings and thoughts like this during my pregnancy. I was on bedrest for almost a month from pre-labor; but once our daughter was here...my world turned to light. (I did have some post-partum darkness to deal with, but I got to my Dr who helped me through it very quickly.)
Hang in there. This time probably feels like it is dragging, that's how it felt for me, but it passes and then you get to hold your twins. It will all be worth it.
I totally hear you on this. I have been home or in the hospital (except for three days) since 29 weeks. I have such limited adult contact and DH works nights Wed-Saturday. So he sleeps all day when I am up.
He also over commits to his activities like the Fire House, the First Aid Squad, Training Classes (for above activities), he teaches music to middle school and high school kids for an anti drug program and he never says no. I feel like I am alone all the time.
I can't wait (but I will) to see you and your boys! Keep thinking cooking thoughts!
You know what? Your life will never be the same, but honestly, it doesn't have to be THAT different. The first months are hard because new babies aren't very portable. After that, you can start to incorporate them into the things you like to do. Also, you can take people up on it when they offer to babysit! I know how those hormones can drive you wacky, but it really IS worth it, and once they're here and crying you'll sometimes wish they were still inside!! (They're much quieter there.) :)
I have a friend who had to go on disability leave during her pregnancy. Everyone told her how jealous they were that she didn't have to work, but she said that after the first week or two being home alone gets old, and fast.
Hang in there! This won't last forever.
What a zen piece of advice - "It will all be worth it."
You have a very wise friend!
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