Day After Christmas

I just bought the second crib. I bought the first one back before we were pregnant, when I thought I was buying a bed for foster kids (see pics here). I plan to have the boys co-sleep at first, but was afraid the bed would be discontinued, which would be a huge tragedy, because anal me needs them to match. In fact, we bought the first crib at Wal-Mart, and they haven't carried the entire line the last few weeks. So, I conducted an obsessive online search until I found the same crib marketed under another brand name, and $100 more expensive on ebay and at Target, but now they have them at Wal-Mart again. So, yay for me! Now, we can get the bed and mattress for less than the bed would have been from another vendor.

***

I haven't done much today. Online shopping for the crib. A few returns. A few groceries. Took the ornaments off the tree. DH is at work. But I'm letting him move the decorations downstairs when he gets home, because I'm being a good girl - not lifting too many things. We're headed to Iowa to visit family tonight to beat an impending ice storm, so I need to pack. Sadly, I have two pairs of pants that still fit (three if you count my pajamas!) that are casual enough for hanging out with the fam.

***

I'm trying to purposely take it easy.

At my appointment this week, my OB asked if my company had a succession plan for me, meaning he is wanting me to start preparing for bed rest. Because I am measuring 34 weeks, but just hit 23 weeks yesterday. So, even though I have enough energy and the mental fortitude to be in the kitchen baking right now, I am laying in bed, watching CSI re-runs, and pushing fluids. After the bad day I had on Tuesday, I have decided that I want to start working half days after the first of the year.

I can work from home for the other half. So my current plan is to work all day on the 2nd (should be a play day since about 10% of the workforce will be there that day), leave early for a sono on the 5th, and then work half days from them on.

I'm hoping that my OB is pleased with this plan when I see him on the 6th. Actually, I'm hoping that by working half days now, I can have 'some' freedom for longer instead of being locked down to full bed rest sooner. I'd like to make it to at least 28 weeks before I'm on lockdown. 36 would be better, but I don't want to have unrealistic expectations. OB is still predicting delivery @ 35 weeks. I would just L.O.V.E. to prove him wrong!

***

My SIL told me on the phone today that she is planning on me watching her boys (ages 7 and 5) on Monday for two hours; and Tuesday for most of the day. She was apologizing, blaming my brother getting called back to work when she was counting on him to take them while she worked those days. I am ecstatic! They are no work at all. In fact, they are my favorites, and I'm so happy to get to have them to myself for a couple more days. I keep reminding myself that the next time I see them, I will have two very demanding distractions. I will never be just their aunt again. I'm so glad I took these days off so we could have a nice, long visit at home. I see some Chucky Cheese in our future!

My Blog is Fabulous?!?!

My good friend Elana has given my blog an award.

The rules of this award are to share 5 of your obsessions and pass this on to 5 more blogger friends. So, here goes.

Obsesssions

1. Pre Term Labor. I google it. Read about it. Lay on my side and try to feel Braxton Hicks contractions. And analyze every abdominal twinge, all day long. I want so much to carry these babies to a healthy term, and constantly worry that its just not going to happen.

2. Stupid conversation from yesterday. See post below. I can't help it. I am obsessively compelled to think about it at all times right now. It seriously better not ruin my Christmas!

3. Finding affordable, quality childcare. Whatever will I do with my two boys when I go back to work? I really need to stop procrastinating (and yet worrying) and do something about this.

4. Our Family Budget. I am constantly evaluating my car, our house payment, our cable bill, looking for ways I can cut back our spending so we can spend that money on childcare and diapers and adorable clothes from Gymboree!

5. Comfort. I know these are all pregnancy-related, so I apologize. But I am constantly seeking a comfortable position. During the day, I fantasize about the new pillow configuration I might try that night. My new obsession is sleeping on the couch, because I just flip my head from end to end, instead of trying to flip over. Sad.

Passing it on to:

1. Blue at Operation Offspring

2. Erin at Seriously?!?

3. Pepper at On to Plan B

4. Jamie at The Therapist is In

5. G at Makes you Stronger

The Long and Short of It

So, a short update from my appointment with the thyroid surgeon on Monday. Brace yourselves. The roller coaster ride continues.

Even though the pathology report read benign and that is what the nurse told me on the phone, my actual diagnosis is a follicular neoplasm. And this information that I googled is pretty much word for word what Dr. L told me on Monday:

What is a follicular neoplasm?
Follicular neoplasms are thyroid nodules that may be benign or may be a form of thyroid cancer. This situation occurs when samples from a fine needle aspiration biopsy of a nodule reveal clusters of increased numbers of epithelial cells grouped together in specific patterns with small amounts of colloid present. This configuration marks a nodule as a particular kind of growth that is referred to as a follicular neoplasm. If the cells that have grown to form this nodule remain contained within a thin capsule of tissue that surrounds it, it is a benign thyroid nodule called a follicular adenoma. Alternatively, if the cells grow to penetrate the capsule of tissue to invade normal thyroid tissue or blood vessels within the thyroid gland, it is malignant, representing a form of thyroid cancer called follicular thyroid cancer. It is not possible to distinguish a follicular adenoma from follicular thyroid cancer on the basis of a fine needle aspiration biopsy sample. To make a definitive diagnosis, it is necessary to surgically remove the nodule so that it can be cut into sections and examined under a microscope to look for any evidence of invasion of normal thyroid tissue or blood vessels.

So, I will have to have at least my right thyroid lobe (and the neoplasm) out after the twins are born. They will test it that day to see if its cancerous, if it is, then I will have the left lobe out the following day. Recovery is one day in the hospital. But if it is cancerous, about 5 weeks later I will have to take this radioactive iodine pill and be isolated from other human beings (lest I radiate them) for about 5 days.

1) I want to have this done during this plan year before my insurance deductible starts over ($3K, ouch!) and 2) how freaking hard would it be to be away from your 3-4 month old babies for 5 days, and to be alone in a cabin in the woods or wherever they send you when this happens? But I have to have it out, I can't just pretend I might not have cancer. That would be stupid. Then it might spread. In the meantime, I have too many other things to worry about. I plan to schedule the surgery for mid-July. But we'll play it by ear.

***

I had a totally craptastic ending to my day yesterday that I had to then obsess about all night. One thing about me, is that if there is conflict in my life, I will dwell on every word of every conversation, keep myself up all night, pray to God to let me let go, and still obsess for a day or two before I can move on. Here's the story:

I was working at one of our other stores in town, because one of their employees quit with no notice. So, I was helping another employee learn that job. Since I was near another one of our stores, I stopped by to help them with some issues. B. (the bad guy in this story) had also called my cell phone several times, and then my cell phone died. He had left messages, but he is super impatient and continued to call, even before I had time to return his previous call.

So, when I got there, I went directly in to help the first person who had called.
When I had finished with her, I stopped by to chat with another friend for a
minute. B. approached me from down the hall, and I apologized that I had
not called him back and explained that my cell phone had died. He said there was no rush, I told him we were done, and I proceeded to walk down the hall with him.

As we were walking down the hall, I noticed his attire. He was wearing jeans, a blue shirt that I don’t think had a collar, a shaggy beard, and baseball cap with hair sticking out from it. I made a joking comment that he looked kinda like a dirtbag today. We continued down the hall joking and talking.

When we got to the his department, I helped one of his people with a question she had been asking about me earlier in the day, but my phone had died twice during our conversations. (Seriously need a new phone!) Then, I answered a question for him which involved calling our Controller and figuring out a plan that would work for both of them. And finally he asked me a question about how the system would handle reordering a part. He didn’t seem to like my answer to that question, so I said, “You seem upset.”

He turned to me and visibly shaking raised his voice to me about how I had called him a dirtbag, how it was totally disrespectful, how I have a quick tongue and he’s not going to put up with that, he won’t be talked to that way, etc. etc. etc. All of this at least 10 minutes after the comment was made, and as his entire department listened. I apologized profusely, explaining that I was joking, I didn’t mean it, I was glad he told me, that I was so sorry. When that didn't work, I asked him to PLEASE accept my apology. But, he didn’t seem to be losing steam, so I finally
just said I was going to go, and quickly grabbed my purse and left the building
without saying goodbye to anyone.

The entire drive back to my office, I was shaken and tried to figure out where I went wrong. He and I had joked during our past 6 months working together on his computer conversion, and I thought we had a joking relationship. He had teased me about things in the past, so this was not out of character. However, I know that he and his staff can be negative about the new system and that this had worn on me during that week I spent over there after their conversion. I’m sure I was not always the softest in explaining my position, especially after they had argued with me, or personally attacked me about the system. But I always remained civil and helpful.

Ok, so a manager at our company should never berate anyone like that in front of others. If he was really mad, he should have taken me aside out of earshot of the others. Let alone that I work at the corporate office, not for him, and that I'm not his peer, I'm his superior in all ways. Add to that, that its not even my freaking job to help him at all, but that I was doing so out of the goodness of my heart. And my willingness to be a team player. My banter about his attire was totally appropriate - what kind of a leader dresses that way? And was also an attempt to be collegial with someone I find it difficult to stomach. I was really, really trying to be friendly. Really.

So, in the meantime, I told the President about this incident. I find this best, so he doesn't hear about the story from someone else, I always think its better to have your version out there first. He thought my comment was funny, and something else must be going on in B's life. I keep expecting an apology phone call from B. but its 9:40 and the phone has not rung yet.

My approach to him or anyone on his staff who calls me from now on is to refer them to someone else. Um, wow, that's a tough one, I'm going to have to refer you to IT. Passive-agressive, I know, but self-preservation is all I really care about at this point. I spent the night obsessing about this conversation and I really have better things to do with my time. And don't think the emotional turmoil is worthwhile. Seriously, he freaked out over nothing, picking on a poor innocent pregnant girl.

Last point, then I'm going to stop venting about this. I H.A.T.E.D. working with them after their conversion. They were very negative and hard on me, and argued with me. So, I quit them before my week of post-conversion support was over, preferring to work in my office. But when I left, I didn't see the point in causing conflict, so I just told them they were doing well and I didn't think they needed me anymore. But what I meant in my heart was you have worn me out. I cannot take all this abuse anymore. And you don't really have questions, you just want a punching bag. So, after I bit my tongue all that time, and try to take the high road, he dumps this bs on me the day before Christmas. He sucks. And should be ashamed. And I am totally never taking his calls again.

Oh, and I am SO glad I am taking the next week off. I definitely need a break!

Relativity

Girls Night @ my house last night was a wonderful success. Am I exhausted today? Of course. that's what happens when you're 22 weeks pregnant with twins and you stay up eating sweets and dishing until after 1am. Any party that goes that late is fabulous, right?

These women are real, and entertaining, and a true blessing to me (even though I don't see or talk to most of them outside of our girls night). I always feel so lucky that I can send out an invitation and they'll come over.

Because they are real, they talk about real issues, and last night we were talking about parents. One of the girls, her MIL was my first belly toucher - back at 6 weeks when it was super creepy. She has mental health issues that endanger her well being. Another one's mother had lap band surgery and didn't tell anyone in the family. She's addicted to narcotic prescriptions and sleeps all day, every day.

So, relatively speaking, my own parent issues aren't that bad. But it is all relative. And I feel so let down by my parents. And I think that all of our dreams and thoughts about the kind of parents we would like to be are bringing this to a head for me right now. I've already shared my daddy issues. And right now I'm struggling with my feelings about my mother.

My mother divorced my father when I was two because he cheated. She didn't try to work it out. She found out he cheated, and the next day there was a for sale sign in our yard. That was her choice. So, for a long time, it was just me and her. She had this boyfriend, G., who I disliked, but she dumped him when she met my step father.

My Step Father has addictive personality disorder, and before this manifested itself in alcoholism, he was always rushing from one hobby to the next, and she followed. This ranged from airplanes to sprint cars to bowling. And by addictive, I mean manic. So, for bowling, it was Sunday night mixed doubles, Monday night women's league, Tuesday night men's league, and 9-pin tournaments on Friday and Saturday nights. My parents literally lived at the bowling alley for several years. So much so that I refuse to bowl today.

When they were off pursuing his many hobbies, I was usually home, alone. My step-siblings lived with their mother. I was an only child. We lived in the country, so I was isolated. I had lived in town, with my mother, and had this idyllic life with her. And now I lived alone in the country.

When I was a junior in college, my step father had a psychotic break from an old Vietnam war memory. He quit his job as a research and development engineer and bought a bar. He began drinking heavily. By the time I had met my husband, my step dad had drank away the bar, been in several alcohol-related incidents injuring himself but thankfully not others, and decided that his new obsession would be building a cabin for them in Wyoming.

So, they moved out west, and built their cabin. She thought this was the only way he could stop drinking - by running away from his 'friends' at the bar. Obviously, running away never solves anything. At my wedding, my parents broke into the bar before noon, and I had to ask my step-brothers to escort their father upstairs to his room when he could no longer stand or form sentences. Unfortunately, this was the way all of our weddings went. At my little brother's wedding a few year's later, my step father kept drinking vodka straight. Every time I caught him, I would throw it away. He got angry, and I bawled like an idiot asking How could you do this to us? How could you do this to my mother? confronting him on the bs he had pulled since they moved, him denying it, and my mother quietly confirming my version of events. I understand this was not helpful to him, and in no way would ever force him to go back to treatment, but it definitely made me feel better - she actually didn't cover for him for once. And he had to face the crap that he either doesn't remember because he blacks out, or she allows him to deny because she wants to avoid conflict.

They have no money. My mother says she 'retired' but she was like 48 and had no savings. They live off of his social security (he's older). He still drinks heavily, even though he's been to rehab. He lives about 2 hours from the closest VA hospital, so he doesn't get the counseling he needs for his PTSD (for which he also gets money as a military disability). They are isolated from the family so they hide their problems - money, alcohol, depression, etc. And they are super defensive if you try to ask them about any of this, or offer help in the form of money, etc. When I saw them the week before Thanksigiving during an impromtu girls trip with my sister where we met the whole family mid-way, I discovered my step father had wrecked their new vehicle, and that they weren't going to come home for Christmas because they had to come up with a bunch of money to pay it off, because it was being totaled by the insurance company and so they had to pay off their loan, and they were upside down on their loan.

Obviously, her life is complicated. She has an alcoholic husband. She can never have anything nice. So, when she's worried about money, she sits in her cabin chain smoking and as she calls it 'retreating from reality' into books she gets from a free book exchange at the senior center.

This is not the life I would want for my mother. So, I am sad for her. I am disappointed that she enables him. I worry what her life will be like with him, and I know how much she loves him, so I worry about how unhappy she would be if she left him, or if he finally does kill himself in one of his drunken stupors. And I am angry that she is not stronger. She was a strong, independent, single mother. She took great care of me when I was younger. I think about how she left my father after one incident without blinking, she just kicked him out. And I contrast that with now, stuck with a man who is sick. And I'm indignant that Christmas with the family does not mean more to her. I myself would go into credit card debt if it meant I could be home. Christmas is meaningless to me, without my family.

I am grateful to have my step-siblings. We all talk daily to at least one of the others in the group. And as the holidays approach, those calls become more frequent. They help me to understand the situation from their perspective - it is their father with the drinking problem. We vascillate between poking fun at his antics, to worry, to anger, to fear. I wonder how we all turned out so healthy and balanced, and why it is that we all make better choices. How did we all evolve from that home? How do we have so little in common with our parents? And ultimately, why do we have to be the adults in this relationship?

I almost offered to pay my mother's way home this year. We did this last year for them. But they are too proud to let it happen again. So, we will miss out on them. We kids will be together, because this is important to us, and our parents will be alone in a cabin on a mountain. My sister gets so mad, she says Christmas is kind of a predictable expense. It happens at the same time every year. She says a lot of other things, but that one has been stuck in my brain since we drove back from this last visit together. She has a point. And our parents kind of suck. I'm sad. And I want to be angry. Because pity means they are weak, but I'm mad, because I know my mother is stronger than this. And I'm mad at him for taking her away from me with all of his addictions, not just the alcohol. And at the same time, I'm grateful she married him, because I love my siblings, and my life would be so empty without them.

I don't know why I had to get this off my chest. Maybe because I just watched Intervention. Maybe because I for sure don't want to repeat this with my kids. But mostly, I think that lately, I've been kind of feeling sorry for myself that BOTH of my parents are such colossal disappointments. I turned out okay, and I'm in no means a charity case. I always had food. I always had clothes. They each helped pay for my undergraduate degree. But they each fell short of my expectations of what parents should and could be. And as an adult, I feel like there is a void in my life, where a parental unit should be.

Benign!

First things first. Surgeon's office called this morning and reported that the growth on my thyroid is benign! Whew! Yay! Whopee! Wahoo! Etc! Etc! Etc! So, now, I can just focus on the twins, worrying about pre-term labor, the economy, our crappy garage door, but NOT dying! So happy and grateful and did I mention happy?

***

Had a rough day yesterday. As I was backing out of the garage on my way to work, I backed into the garage door. Not by any fault of my own. It had stopped about 6 inches shy of the top, which was above my field of view out my back window, but low enough to scrape the back window cleaner dispenser off the roof and buckle the metal.

I immediately cried. Which is not my normal response. But I was frustrated. And I'm pregnant. So, I go downstairs, crying, to find DH completely buck a** naked, getting ready to get in the shower, and tell him I ran into the garage and I need his help to get my car out. He of course fears the worst. But it isn't that bad, really. So, after we assess the damage and he climbs on my SUV to retrieve the now torn off wiper fluid dispenser, he holds the door up so I can get out.

I drove straight to the auto body shop, knowing full well that if I went to work, that I would imagine grossly higher dollar amounts and fume about my car, so for the sake of productivity, I got the estimate out of the way first. And ended up being about 5 minutes behind everyone else in the office. So, not truly that late.

The garage door is legitimately f'd. Apparently, the strong winds from the night before pushed the door of the hinges and tore the metal. I think the door is a piece of crap anyway, but still, this blows. DH rigged the door so it works for now. Will be $120 to fix my beloved, and yet somehow cursed car. Will be about $1,000 to replace the garage door. Undecided as to whether we fix it now, while we have the money in savings, or put that off, until a later date, when we may possibly be even more strapped because we're paying $400/week in daycare. So, we're torn. But in the meantime, my handy husband has got it working good enough that our cars can be parked inside and I don't have to worry about water damage while we wait for the auto body place to get the parts they have ordered for me.

Funniest part of the entire dramatic tragedy is that what DH remembers most from yesterday morning is that he hugged me when he was completely naked. Which was the highlight of his day, and which I have apparently repressed. A sad commentary on the state of our love life during pregnancy, which we both found hilarious last night.

***

I baked like crazy until after 10pm last night, not because I had to, but because I had a lot of energy and it seemed like the right thing to do. Tonight, I am in a hotel room in KC all by myself and thinking of going to bed in 5 minutes, which would be 8:30pm. Pregnancy is doing some crazy things to my energy level.

Also, I bought snow boots for myself today. Actually, for the twins. I haven't actually worn snow boots since elementary school. I normally just suffer through with wet feet (yes, even four years of living in college on a pedestrian campus in Minnesota did not tempt me to wear boots!), but what with my obsessive fear of falling during pregnancy, the reassurance of snowboots versus totally slick-bottomed flats seemed like a good use of money. I'm such a mom!

My Own Saturday

Today is Saturday. I woke up early this morning to put my cheesy potatoes in the oven. Brushed my teeth. Paid bills. Balanced the checkbook. And then got ready for my boss's annual Christmas Brunch. It was a lovely event, filled with special women who are so kind and so funny. It was a great start to the day.

After that, I drove past the mall, and then re-thought returning the cyrstal bank I received for the boys last week. Not because I've decided to keep it. No, it was the fact that people were parking in the farthest out parking lots, oh, and the lovely sign courtesy of the Wichita PD which was flashing Lock Your Car, Take Your Keys, Hide your Items. I guess that after reading that I kind of thought I'd be asking to be robbed if I went inside. So, I drove back toward my house and found myself at Hobby Lobby.

Can I just tell you how much I love this store? Absolute retail therapy for me. And why? Because decorations and housewares are always the right size, and never ever make you feel fat! I was inspired by the decor at my boss's home, and decided to jazz up my mantel just a tish more before my Girls Night In this next weekend. So, ta-da!


I had purchased the mirror and hurricane lamps last weekend, and the Santa was a gift. So, really, just the greenery was purchased today. And the picture does not do it justice. I'm sitting here just beaming at it. L.O.V.E. it!

After the decorating frenzy, I started my Christmas baking. So far, I haven't gotten much done because 1) I can't wash dishes because I can hardly reach the faucet at the sink (silly babies are in the way!) so I have to run the dishwasher after every recipe; and 2) I can't stand for too long or my feet hurt; and 3) I can't sit at the table too long or my back hurts. So, basically all I've got so far is one batch of banana bread, another batch of those Ritz Cracker / Peanut Butter sandwiches coated in chocolate almond bark, and some oreo truffles in the fridge waiting for their very own chocolate bath. My goal for tomorrow is to make up the rest of the dough for the party, even if I don't do any baking until Thursday night. I'm worried the cookies would get dried out by next weekend.

And if I wasn't busy enough, I have my final work trip out of town before I'm grounded by my OB this week, so I'll be in Kansas City two nights this week. Maybe I'll get up and start melting some chocolate now. Although...I must admit....I'd really rather go back to Hobby Lobby and buy some more stuff for my tree.....

Oh, and the whole point of this post. All day I've been thinking Next year, this won't be so easy. T. would have to stay home with the boys so I could go to the brunch. How could I ever do all this baking with two infants? Etc. Etc. Etc. So, trying to enjoy this freedom while it lasts.

Biopsy Day

So, I had my thyroid biopsy today. DH was there waiting for me, which is a big deal, because he's usually 10 minutes late to everything. He knew this was a super big deal. I have been in denial about it for so many weeks, so it kind of snuck up on me.

So, I really liked the surgeon, Dr. L. He was personable and funny and kind and considerate. I had DH sitting on the exam table, and I sat in the extra chair, because sitting up without any back support just kills my back. So, it threw everyone off. But I was happy.

Before he started the biopsy, Dr. L explained how the procedure would go, that he wanted me to come back in a week no matter what, and that they would call with the results before then. He also said that any treatment would wait until after the twins were born. Unless the results were really weird. And that made me happy, because if he recommended surgery, I was going to need a lot of reassurance that it wouldn't hurt the boys in any way.

The biopsy itself was uncomfortable and a little painful, but it only lasted about 5 minutes. He took a couple samples, but was concerned about my discomfort on the table (sensitive, huh?). I think the worst was when they numbed my neck, which burned like a MF.

I came home from the appointment, ate two Beef Chalupa Supreme, drank one 6 ounce Coke, and one small chocolate shake, and have been watching the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II. I'm also answering work emails, but I am focusing on me for a few hours. I feel lame, because the procedure was not that bad, but I just didn't feel like going back to work. I think because of the pregnancy I am trying to be easier on my self than I normally would. Current condition is swollen neck, a little soreness, but otherwise just normal.

Work was a b*tch today. Still working on site supporting this division that just converted to a new computer system, but the new users' complaining and whining finally got to me. So, I had had it with them. And decided not to go back today or tomorrow. They can call me or IT. But I've had it with them. Do they not realize this is NOT my job? That I did not design or purchase this system? That I'm just volunteering to help them, in addition to my regular duties? Anyway, I was way over it. Yes, I'm grateful to have a job, and I want to be a team player, but my emotional well being is more important than those wackjobs using me for a target for their constant complaints.

***

In other news, I had asked the NP yesterday at my OB appointment (OB was unavailable due to 3 deliveries yesterday) why Dr C had moved my gestation to 35 weeks - if they were concerned about my health, the health of the twins, etc. She said she thought that since the babies were so large that my body would decide to evict the boys and so I would go into premature labor. So, I have a bunch of questions about what I can do to prevent that when I see my OB on the 24th, but in the meantime, Dr Google has me taking better care of myself (hence coming home after the appointment), drinking more water, and back on my iron supplement. I'm not sure what else I can do. But for now, at least, I feel like I have at least some part in keeping those two in there as long as possible.

Whirlwind

So, the bad news first. My company is losing money in some markets - not all. So, they are cutting back training. And, as my job is to coordinate all training and development for the entire company, my workload is being cut back substantially. And this, after I just finished up a 3-year project that had forced me to do my actual job half-assed all this time. I was really looking forward to doing MY job, and doing a much better job than I've been able to for SO long. And literally the day my schedule opens up - yes, THEE day! - they cancel three of my four big events.

I agree with their decision. We are laying people off. And the money savings could spare a few people their jobs. I get it. I agree. But in the meantime, I still have to fill my workday. And so, now I will be stuck doing crappy IT projects that I (you pick your favorite here: abhor, detest, fucking hate!) and so I want to pout. I DON'T WANT TO! Now, I should be happy to have a job, but why, out of 500+ people in the company am I the only one to have her work just ripped out beneath her feet? Of course, I have a million other things I COULD do during this time, but a real team player would help IT because I can translate for them to operations and accounting, and because they're always behind, and because I'm uniquely qualified to do so. But did I mention I don't want to?

So, pouting here at home. And have already been delegated two crappy IT projects, plus the one I had promised to help them finish up even though I was supposed to officially 'retire' from IT on Monday. Poor me!

***

We *almost* had our first foster placement tonight. We have had two offers before, but had to turn them down because my work schedule made me out of town, or they didn't have daycare and I had to work. But today, it was a 16-month old girl, L., who was being taken from her teenage mother, who is currently living in a residential teen mother home in the area. Apparently, L's mother has been skipping school, so the judge was going to take L away for a few days to teach her a lesson. But in court today, the judge decided the absenteeism isn't as bad as first thought and so mother and child get to stay together. I am happy for the child, because it would have been SO traumatic for this little one to come to stay with us, this little one who according to our worker had never been away from her mother. And its not like she's a bad mom, just truant. So, I'm relieved for the child, but I will admit it was a letdown. I was excited that we were going to have a little one in the house, and that were finally going to get a chance to help.

***

The best news ever is that I for sure am feeling the twins move now, sometimes. Last night, I was on the couch and thinking I felt kicks, so I put the remote on my belly (trick my friend K recommended). And I could see it move when I felt a kick. What's more - DH could see it move. So after a few kicks, I took it off, and I could see my skin bounce when I felt a kick. After the worry about my job, and having to do crappy IT jobs, it was very emotional for me to be reminded of what really matters, and to focus on my boys for awhile. And it was particularly powerful because my husband was the first to notice the remote move, and so special that we could share that moment.

***

Have regular OB appointment tomorrow, and biopsy on my goiter on Thursday. Probably will be at least a week before we get the results back, so still not focusing on the 'C' word, but its looming....

(20w 5d)

Halfway (or more!)

I should not be doing this. I should not be updating my blog from work. But yet here I am. Totally unmotivated to do any actual work. And I really have nothing to post.

We hit the 20 week mark yesterday. So, I'm halfway (probably more than halfway, since our OB thinks I'll deliver at 35 wks, but I'm trying not to think of that). I *think* I may be feeling the twins move. Sometimes. But its not consistent or regular. I definitely feel my back acheing at night when I lay in bed. And I have decided that I never really had a cold. It is pregnancy causing my stuffy nose and extra fluid to come out of my nose. Not complaining! Just sharing.

Here's the greatest hardship of pregnancy right now - I have an especially difficult time eating at a table. I need to lean forward not to spill on myself. And then I feel pinches in my belly. So, I have to lean back. So, I prefer to eat reclining in my bed at home. Probably not the best for my social life! Again, not complaining.

And while I can tie my shoes today, it is painful and unlikely to continue for much longer.

We have our work Christmas party tonight. And then are supposed to meet some friends to celebrate their anniversary downtown. I'm not sure I can do it. I'm tired already. And its cold outside, so I would much rather cuddle up on the couch with my DH and watch some Boston Legal on Netflix (we're just starting season 4). Yes, I am a total homebody.

Tomorrow, my goal is to do some major shopping and wrapping. Shopping for others? Heck no. Shopping for mantel decorations for my house. I have this vision of what it will look like, but cannot find the exact pieces I need. It's a mission.

I have to work on Sunday. Boo! One of the few times in my career I will ever be required to do so, but every little thing seems like an undue burden these days. Thankfully, this is the last. Anyway, I keep thinking about having to work that day, and so I allow myself to feel even greater stress, because I won't be able to do whatever I want that day. I will have to pack it all into Saturday. I crossed a couple of errands off my list today at lunch, but still, I'm kind of obsessed with the rest of my list, so I will probably overdo it and then collapse tomorrow night.

Told you I had nothing to post! Guess I'd better get some work done. But not because I want to!

Belly Shots

And just because I'm out of town and have a hard time sleeping in strange hotels, I will share the following. I can't promise I won't have second thoughts and delete this tomorrow, but for tonight....I give you....belly shots!

19 weeks 5 days

No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth. I have just been focused on my husband and not all the other distractions of life for the past few days. And it has been absolutely heavenly, I must say.

We had our getaway this weekend. Chose totally overpriced hotel room, to spoil my husband who was not having anything less - even though we normally cruise by in the safest, cheapest place available (i.e. Motel 6). But I forgave him right away because my fabulous Hilton points from all my work travel, apparently make me a preferred guest, and we were upgraded to a condo with such fabulous amenities as a fountain-view balcony, two flat panel tv's, a two person shower, and very large jet tub! Thank you, Hilton.

For some reason, this little getaway has somehow made the pregnancy more real. Like somehow connecting with my husband allowed me to slow down and to dream about our life as parents. I find myself wondering more about how they will be, and who they will be. I think before I thought about the pregnancy in more abstract terms, or even in more to-do list terms like must complete pre-registration, must decide on names, must register for bedding. Whereas now, I am almost awed by the enormity of the fact that there are two little people living inside me. Wow.

I am out of town for work tonight, but DH read to me over the phone a letter we received today from our RE. It made me tear up, it was so heartfelt and so sweet. She was thanking us for the note and cookies we brought her and the other staff last week. And telling us what great parents we will be, and how much she has enjoyed knowing us, and how much she looks forward to meeting the boys. I'm tearing up just thinking that she wrote these things to us. I cannot believe it worked. I cannot believe we are pregnant. I really, truly, with all my heart, had given up. I never thought we would be here.

And so it seems significant that I'm feeling this way, sitting in a hotel room in Garden City, KS. The same hotel where I wrote on my blog back on Mother's Day. The same road trip that I decided DH and I should pursue foster parenting. We are licensed now, waiting for our first placement. And we're expecting twin boys. It's really ironic or poignant or some other word I don't have right now. It's really something to be here geographically and figuratively.

***

In daycare news, DH's Aunt said she would watch the boys EVERY DAY for us this summer, except the four weeks she has summer school, but I think that's too much. I'm going to continue to look for other providers, but know she is a backup.

My visit to LPA on Friday was fine. A very clean environment, and peaceful. But I definitely need to keep looking. As I told DH, I wasn't overwhelmed with a sense that this was the right place. It was okay, but I need to feel it in my gut. Plus, it would be nice if I didn't have to sell my plasma to cover the charges.

My goal for the rest of this week is to call the centers I didn't get called last week, and to recall all the ones I did call to see if they offer a part time rate. But I have a big project that's wrapping up at work this week, so I'll be lucky if I can find the time.

Black Friday

So, I'm sitting on the couch surfing the internet for pics of a fertility goddess to post here, because 1) I am procrastinating from getting ready to go visit our first daycare center and 2) I think I looked like one in the mirror this morning. But they are all so horribly distasteful with either grossly exaggerated breasts or ginormous fat rolls that I cannot honestly say I look THAT bad ... yet. But I'm sure you could see the resemblance.

Yesterday, we had dinner with DH's family about 30 minutes from here. His family is close, mine is far. It probably was good that I just saw my family last weekend. We came home from that dinner and enjoyed the afternoon/evening together. That was my favorite part of the whole day, just hanging out on the couch with him. Even though we cannot feel them kick on the outside, he still likes to touch by belly and gets a sappy smile on his face whenever it pokes out of my clothes.

Today, my DH is at work, but he is taking Sat, Sun, Mon off and we are headed to Branson for a few nights alone. Yay for us! I have to work in Springfield on Monday, so its a win win deal for us. I have not made our hotel or cabin arrangements yet because I wanted to see how I felt. I think the worst of my cold is over, so I'm going to go ahead and book something today. This being the holiday weekend, I hope we don't get stuck at some Cardboard Inn.

Before he left, I had him drag all the Christmas stuff out of the basement. I am thinking of purging some of the things I don't use anymore. For example, stuff I've received as gifts that just don't fit in our home, and even an entire room of decor that used to be the spare bedroom, but is now the nursery and so it won't match. But all of that will have to wait until this afternoon. I've put a few things up, and my biggest challenge is the mantel. We just had our mantel built this summer, so it is the first time I've gotten to decorate it, and we have vaulted ceilings in this room, so I have to have tall things, and things that hang, and its a bit of a challenge. This may take weeks. Weeks that I don't really have, because I should be shopping for other people and getting that list completed, not buying for myself!

I am procrastinating on getting ready to go visit this daycare center because I just don't think there is a snowball's chance we could ever afford a center for twins. I did propose to DH's aunt yesterday that she maybe watch the kids a couple of days a week in our home this summer, which she said she would do, but she didn't bring it up again after we first discussed it before dinner. I think I will keep checking out our other options (in home, or in our home with a nanny), and even see if the centers in our area offer part time fee schedules before I bring it up again. She is a school teacher, and a fabulous woman who would be a wonderful influence on our kids. We could pay her a little something, but the whole point would be to save money, so it woudln't be much. Tough call. As a rule, I hate to ask favors of or do business with family, because I just have heard too many stories of how it can mess things up.

Ok, I'd better get some makeup on this face and get going to LPA. At this point, I'm hoping its a depressing place where I wouldn't choose to send my children, even if I did have the money. Wish me luck!

And the money will come from ... where?

So, today, I had my follow up OB appointment. Dr. C says the twins are both doing great. One is in the 96th percentile, the other in the 93rd. DH was concerned it was not perfect. At least I knew it was okay, but it was cute and sweet that he wanted his boys to be 100%!

Dr. C also said that I would for sure go early. First, he said 38 weeks, but then 35. Um, the earlier of those would be March 19. HOLY.FREAKING.OUT. I kind of needed the whole 40 weeks to get ready for them. So, reality has taken a major jump from yesterday.

I mean, I knew I could be on bed rest early. I knew there was a chance we could deliver early. But now the doctor is predicting it. He said it out loud, whereas before, he had said that he has had people go full term. And he's been totally spot on in all of his predictions with me so far. So, I'm planning on March 19 until I hear different.

So, I get back to the office and decide I need to get serious about calling all these daycare centers that I have had on a spreadsheet, but have never picked up the phone. My questions are kind of simple 1) do you take infants; 2) do you know whether or not you will have space for twin infants around May 1; and if yes to those, then 3) what is your fee schedule? and 4) what does that include?

HOLY.FREAKING.CRAP. The prices range from $190 - $230 per week, per child. Some places give a $5 discount per week for the second child. ARE.YOU.FREAKING.KIDDING.ME?

So, I don't want to skimp on childcare. I don't want this to be purely a money decision, but money is going to limit our options. If your math is like mine, then you can see that this would cost me a little over $1600/month. That's almost $20K a year! I forgot to ask if they offer a part time rate, so I will need to call them all back tomorrow to check, because if my DH changed his days off at work, or I worked from home at least one day, we might could get our need to 3 days which could save some serious dough. But I'm more than a little freaked out by the enormity of that dollar amount.

Nevertheless, because I do not want this decision to be solely based on dollars, I am going to visit the only one that I found that is open this Friday (most are closed for the Thanksgiving holiday). It also happens to be the most expensive, but its near our house, and I can visit during my day off and not take even more time off from work than I already do for my bi-weekly OB appointments. I will probably visit them all. All of the places our children will not be able to afford to go. And then I will call the in-home providers. Sigh.

In other, slightly less depressing news, my cold has progressed so that now I cannot leave a room without a Kleenex box attached to myself. Which means less pain in my throat, more pain on my nose. If I can just make it through tomorrow, then I will have the entire holiday weekend to recover. Which, while other people might feel their holiday is ruined, workaholic that I am, I feel this is a fortunate thing.

Alien Baby Pics

We had our first official sonogram today - and we are having two stinking boys! My husband is so proud, so excited, and I'm so happy for him. I'll save the pornographic shots for our family album, but below are some scary pictures of their little alien faces.

The boys were very active, and both measured about the same. They currently weigh about 11 ounces. Baby A was kicking Baby B in the head. I hope he doesn't come out damaged. The sono tech explained that the reason I haven't felt much movement is not only because the placenta is on top (I'm guessing that means up against the outside of my tummy) but also because there are two placentas, so I'm doubly insulated, so that made me feel better. I leaned over and told my sister See, its NOT just because I'm fat! I must say that even without that little tidbit, I have determined that she is thee very best sono tech in the whole entire world and that I will love seeing her every month.

Now that we know the genders the reality of this pregnancy has settled in just a bit more, but it is still rather surreal.

It's like this:

Have you ever seen the movie Flight Plan? I was watching it last week. This lady claims she has lost her child on the plane but no one can remember seeing the girl and the girl isn't on the flight manifest. Anyway, this is how I feel about this pregnancy, like I'm going to wake up and it won't have been real, and I will be the only one who remembers it, and people will treat me like a crazy person.

I had a great weekend with the fam in SD. My sister and niece were able to come to our appointment today. It was so nice to see the fam, but it was also nice to come home to my husband, and I'm definitely enjoying my down time this evening. The road trip was 8 hours each way, which made for a lot of time in the car. Totally worth it!

Unfortunately, I am coming down with a cold, so I have this post nasal drip that I must constantly swallow and has given me a scratchy throat.

18w 4d

Super Busy (17w 4d)

Sorry I've been MIA lately. I have been so super busy. Really.

In a totally and completely impromptu phenomena, my family is gathering this coming weekend in South Dakota. My sister is actually coming to stay with us for a few days, and then us girls are making the trip together. This was thought up and decided on Saturday. The rest of the family has had a few more days to get their thoughts and lives organized.

I had been so homesick for my family just the week before, this is truly a blessing. What's more. No one has ever been to visit us in our home. I have lived in KS for 9 years and no one has ever been to visit. Ever. So, this is huge for me.

Work is a crazy everyday schedule right now, which has contributed to my not having any time. I have meetings and travel every single day. This is my 4th month in a row, and the end is not for another few weeks. Last Monday was the first time I had sat at my desk, in my office, since October 8th.

The state approved our final home visit last week on Wednesday, so we are officially licensed foster parents now. We are still awaiting our first placement, which surprises me. I thought we would have been called by now. They had one placement of 3 kids for Thanksgiving weekend, but I have to travel for work that Sunday, and I thought it was a bit much to ask my husband to take on three kids by himself overnight. So, we had to turn that down.

I also had an OB appointment on Wednesday which was normal. We listened to the heartbeats, I asked a few questions. We have a real live sonogram appointment for this coming Monday, 11/24 and of course we're hoping to find out the genders at this appointment. My sister and niece are staying over to come to this appointment with us. I hope the kids aren't shy, and we do find out the sex that day. It would be a great memory for all of us.

My husband had last weekend off, so I maxed out all the couple time I could with him. We watched a couple DVD's of Boston Legal, ate out, went shopping for us and for Christmas gifts, and just had a wonderful time doing what other couples get to do every weekend. He is staying behind from the family trip this weekend, so he can have Thanksgiving weekend off. He's going to go with me on my work trip that weekend, and so we'll have a nice romantic getaway which is just so amazing, because I normally spend that weekend alone or travel to be with friends while he works.

I'm still not sure I feel the twins moving. I lie with my hands on my belly until I get cramps in my wrist. Sometimes I think I feel things, other times I convince myself its gas. I'm ready to feel them move, for that reassurance and regular tangible sign that all is well in there. I haven't gained more weight, and I don't think the profile belly shots I've been comparing look much bigger. I'm sure I am, but until the two fat rolls become one, to me, I just look fat.

Looking forward to playing with my nieces and nephews this weekend in SD. And to just being their aunt for one of the last times. Not everyone will be together at Christmas, so this will be my last chance to hang out with them before I have my own kids to be feeding, changing, or chasing her pretty soon. SO grateful for my husband, this trip, and for my family, and for the blessing of time together.

It's early Friday evening, I am waiting for DH to get home from work. I have very little to look forward to this weekend - another in a long line of weekends with no highlights - and I'm feeling a little down. I know there are lots of wives who become golf widows in the summer, or are left to fend for themselves for weeks of hunting seasons. My husband is working both Saturday and Sunday for the third weekend in a row, and I'm just a little bummed and missing him.

I do have plans to see Madagascar 2 with my friend S, and her 3-year-old son T. So, I have one activity planned for this weekend. Other ideas include scrapbooking the Christmas photo cards from last year, shopping for maternity clothes, and Christmas shopping. Plus, I brought home some work. Sad, huh?

The state called yesterday to set up our official home visit to finalize our foster care license. They will be here on Wednesday at 1pm. It will be a busy day since I have an OB appointment that morning, and a big meeting at work that afternoon, but I want to get it done. When I called the agency to let them know about the time so they could be here and bring all my paperwork for me, N. told me the reason we hadn't had any placements yet was because all the kids they'd had this week were 'rough' and with me being pregnant she wanted our first placement to be easy. So, I guess I can't complain about that.

Yesterday, I spent the morning at a local social service agency with the 3-year-old pre school class. It's an integrated classroom with 50% developmentally challenged kids. I could never be an early childhood educator, or a stay at home mom, and I especially do not have the gifts to work with special needs kids. But it was okay for a couple of hours.

Mostly, I just put together puzzles, wiped snotty noses, and prevented fistfights. I think the kids' favorite part was when I sat at the Play Doh table and made them anything they requested. I started making them bracelets which I would then encourage them to show their friends. Their little friends would applaud and come running (literally, running!) to get an up close view of the bracelet. It was very cute to see them model their tiny little Play Doh bracelets and to hear the ooohs and ahhhhs. But also scary, because being 16 weeks pregnant and having all the complications of infertility plus the spotting plus the PW incident this week, it would not be hard for me to obsess about birth defects. There were about 5 kids in that class with some major issues (wheelchair bound, no verbal communication, severe autism, etc.). But I didn't let my mind go there. I just made the best of my time and tried to not be in the way of the teachers.

The social worker who gave me my tour of the facility before I sat in the class (this was a work thing) also called my worker at our foster care agency to tell her what a great resource parent I was going to be. I guess I didn't realize I was being watched, but it was nice of her to call and put in a good word for us. Since the social worker used to work for our agency, I just happened to mention that we knew this woman, N., when we were introduced. N. said the social worker called about 2 minutes after I left yesterday ;-) I know we'll be good resource parents, but it was nice to have someone see me outside of my comfort zone and think that on her own.

I <3 your blog!

I got an award! And a meme! Thanks JamieD!

Answer the following questions with single word responses. Then pass on the award to 7 other bloggers:

1. Where is your cell phone? Couch

2. Where is your significant other? Work

3. Your hair color? Brunette

4. Your mother? Eileen

5. Your father? bad

6. Your favorite thing? velourpants

7. Your dream last night? jumbled

8. Your dream/goal? Motherhood

9. The room you’re in? Living

10. Your hobby? Scrapbooking

11. Your fear? Miscarriage

12. Where do you want to be in six years? Here

13. Where were you last night? Here

14. What you’re not? Athletic

15. One of your wish list items? Money

16. Where you grew up? Iowa!

17. The last thing you did? Type

18. What are you wearing? Maternity Pants

19. Your T.V.? Regist & Kelly

20. Your pet? Cha Cha

21. Your computer? laptop

22. Your mood? lonely

23. Missing someone? always

24. Your car? MDX

25. Something you’re not wearing? shoes

26. Favorite store? Target

27. Your Summer? over :(

28. Love someone? Yes

29. Your favorite color? Black

30. When is the last time you laughed? earlier

31. Last time you cried? i forget

I don't even know 7 bloggers who have not already been tagged, I could only come up with 5. Please don't feel like you HAVE to do the meme, but you should feel free to put your award on the side of your blog. That's what I'm doing with mine!

Faithful Infertile

Sushi Lover

G

Blue

Erin

The Most Embarrassing Story Ever

Yesterday at about 4:30, I went to unplug my cell phone from the charger and felt like my tummy was really tight. I then had to pee several times in succession, and each time I went, I noticed that my panties were getting wet. (Like I had been playing with my boobs for 30 minutes wet). So, I started to get worried. I texted my friend S. who had leaked amniotic fluid with her pregnancy, and my friend K. who is an authority in all things pregnancy related. In the meantime, I was looking up symptoms online and calling my OB’s office for advice. After arguing with the receptionist (politely) about how I could not determine whether or not I had an emergency until I talked to a nurse, and her telling me how I had to leave a message for a nurse and my call might be returned in 24 hours if it wasn’t an emergency, I finally convinced her to hand walk a message back to my OB’s nurses. I think she felt bad for me. It was 4:58 at this point, and said she couldn’t promise I would get a call back by 5. But Nurse S. (fav nurse) called back about 5 minutes later.

To complicate matters, I get zero cell reception in the building I’m working at this week. Zero. My phone makes horrible warning sounds like a nuclear war is going to happen during phone conversations, when I’m trying to make calls, etc. So, I was standing in the entry way to the building (too windy outside) trying to have some privacy while telling the nurse about my vaginal mess and my panties. And its right at 5:00, so a billion employees are leaving and asking me if I need a ride, telling me to have a good day, etc. Very stressful for me.

Nurse S. tells me to watch the flow, she can’t guarantee it isn’t amniotic fluid. She tells me to go home, change my underwear, and if I get a silver dollar every hour to go to the emergency room. As I’m talking to her on the phone, I can actually feel wetness dripping out of me, like when I have my period.

After about 10 more minutes, I decide that if I wait and something goes horribly wrong that I will regret it forever, so I decide to head straight to the emergency room. DH is out of town playing golf. So, my friend S. who called in response to my text earlier, will meet me there with her 3-year old son, T. I spend the drive across town calling my friend K, my boss, DH, etc. I get to the ER at 5:30. I’ve never been to an ER before. I’ve never been in the hospital before. I’m a little shell shocked walking in, and couldn’t even quite figure out what to tell the people at the front desk what was wrong. I get triaged as urgent, not critical, sat in a wheelchair, and waited about 5 minutes before S. showed up. Waited another 10 minutes or so before they took me back.

First, they took a urine sample. Then, they decided to swap my vag and check the ph. pH test immediately indicated that I did not have any amniotic fluid in my vag. Good news, but they thought perhaps a UTI or some sort of vag bacterial infection. So, they left me sitting while they waited for the urine test results. T. and S. entertained me and distracted me during the wait. DH arrives around 6:45, so S. and T. leave. Doctor comes back, tells me that I do not have a UTI, but it will take a few days to get the vag bacteria tests back. They call my OB’s office and the OB on call (S’s OB) recommends a sono to verify amniotic fluid is still okay.

They tell me to drink a glass of ice water or two, because they want me to have a full bladder. About the time I get to the bottom of the second cup of water, they determine I do not need a full bladder, so they take me to the sono. Sono looks good, two heartbeats, even levels of amniotic fluid in both sacks, and the tech was super sweet and even gave us a couple of souvenir pics (see attached). I was freezing and shivering from the ice water, so she gave me a blanket. I peed about 3 more times.

Go back and wait for the doctor who does come back to discharge me about 7:30 (we didn’t get out until a little after 8 since we had to wait for some paperwork). He cannot say with 100% certainty that I was not leaking amniotic fluid earlier, but when he took the swab there was none in my vag. So, its not 100%. He recommends having amniotic fluid checked in a few days to be sure its holding steady. But seriously, what are the odds that I would have fluid leaking from both and it would leak in equal proportion? Pretty much guaranteed I’m not leaking from there. So, I must be leaking from somewhere else. So, he thinks I peed my pants.

Pause for effect.

Yes, I went to the emergency room (calmly, not crying, not demanding or freaking out, but in an emergency room nonetheless) because I peed my pants and didn’t even know it.

Today, Dr. C's nurse calls and tells me that he thinks it was just vaginal secretions and proceeds to tell me how during your first time pregnancy you can be concerned about all the extra stuff, but your vaginal walls are expanding to accommodate childbirth, and with twins it can be even more. Yes, my OB thinks that I was just freaking out over normal vaginal secretions. How embarrassing will it be to see HIM next week?

I feel stupid, but everyone is validating me and making me feel better. I mean, I am not totally psycho. I did not go one single time to the doctor or even call a nurse one time when I had 5 or 6 bouts of spotting. I am not a freak. I wasn't even crying last night. I was just thinking better safe than sorry. But still, I think they think I'm a crazy infertile who can't relax. I hate feeling this way, but somehow calling myself PW (pants wetter) has somehow softened the humiliation.

So, here are the two more expensive sono pics you will ever see:

One more update on the goiter/'C' word drama:

Evil Dr. G’s nurse called yesterday in the morning. He recommended Dr. L (who is another surgeon at the Cancer Center). So, I called Dr. G’s referral nurse, who did not have me on her to-do list yet. Nice, huh? So, she had to go through my entire file looking for notes. And when I told her I wanted to switch surgeons she got all defensive and said she’d have to check with Dr. G and perhaps inferred that I was overreacting because all I was having done was an aspiration which was not technically surgery. Well, I explained to her, in kind of vague terms how I was ‘shocked’ and ‘emotional’ the day that Dr. G told me about this and I was in no position to make a decision that day, and how I called my OB because I have only seen Dr. G twice and this is who my OB recommended. What I wanted to say was … I could care less who Dr. G recommends, because I will not ever be seeing him again. But I thought they could figure that out themselves when I call to have my records transferred. Anyway, she wanted to ask when was a good time. I told her my schedule is complicated and asked if she could just have Dr. L’s office call me to set it up, and she got all huffy and said, Well, I WILL need to give them a phone number so they can contact you. Um, seriously, b*tch, THIS is the reason I am leaving your crappy office in the dust. But, in the end, she got friendlier, and said I should hear from Dr. L’s office in the next two weeks.

Dr. L’s nurse called later in the day, and the soonest she could get me in was December. I questioned her a little, like are you not more concerned this might spread. She said they didn’t have the radiologist report yet, but after they got it, Dr. L would review it and if he was concerned, he would double book to get me in sooner. She called back later with an opening on Monday, but I’m out of town for work that day, so she said she would just keep me on her cancellation list. But in all likelihood, it very well may be the first of the year before I know whether or not I have 'cancer' - Lovely.

Daylight Savings

I totally forgot it was daylight savings time today! So, when I got up around 8:45, it was actually 7:45. DH has to work today 12-5, I convinced him to skip church so we could spend some time together. He is currently on a 26-day straight stint, I think we're at day 14. Sheesh!

So, during our time together this morning, I got him to help me put up our wall words in the nursery. I'm waiting to post pics until we have all the bedding, etc. which will wait until we know boy/girl. But the words I chose are Sweet Dreams, Sleep Tight, We Love You, Good Night which I of course think is the sweetest thing EVER. And it fills up the wall where we will have the two cribs quite nicely. We currently only have one crib, because we had purchased it in prepaprations for our foster car license, but I plan to buy the second crib in December. Anyway, it looks even cuter on the wall than I had imagined, and I am immensely happy to have that done!

Our foster care 'temporary license' came in the mail yesterday, so I suppose we may get our first placement this week. I thought it would be last week, but what with the big thryoid/goiter/crappy doctor thing I had enough on my plate. Depending on where our first placement comes from, we may need to make an emergency trip to Target for supplies. I didn't want to buy a bunch of stuff for an infant, only to find out we got a 4-year old. So, we have just the bare minimum right now.

My friend S and I made our annual pilgremage to the biggest craft fair of the season yesterday morning. Sadly, it wasn't as full as past years. I blamed the economy and a local strike in town, she blamed the nice weather. I hope she's right! Anyway, we were mostly responsible. I bought one gift, which is better than last year when I only bought for myself! But that leaves a mere 11 people plus DH on my list, which is progress, and its still only early November. Yay me!

With all the productivity this morning, and the desire to save money for further Christmas presents, I am probably going to scrapbook this afternoon. Which I have not done in months, because I have been too tired or just too lazy. But I want to make a page of memories from my visit to see my niece M. last Spring. And one from this summer. So, that should keep me busy while DH is at work. Plus, I have the new Nelson DeMille book that I started yesterday. Shame on me for buying the hardback, and not borrowing it from the library. Bookstores are yet another guilty pleasure I will have to give up when the childcare bills start coming due. Until then, I'm going to enjoy.

In work news, I have a big week. I had an employee quit via text message yesterday, which is always nice. She is moving to take care of her parents who were in a serious car wreck, so I understand. I think my boss was so surprised at how well I took it. It sucks, but we have to move on and figure out how to make it through without her. Other people will just have to step up, and I know they will, so I'm not going to obsess. In fact, I need to call the IT Director here after awhile and see if he can't help me out tomorrow. And then I hope that with the economy being as bad as it is, that I won't have to replace her until Spring. I prefer to hire new graduates for this position anyway.

(15wk 4d)

Radiologist Report

So, I called evil Dr. G's office today to get a copy of the Radiologist's report. Which they faxed to me shortly after lunch. And....it doesn't read as bad as Dr. G made it out to be. I'm glad I called to get a copy because a) now I know everything he does; and b) IT doesn't mention the 'C' word.

In fact, in the secon paragraphs it starts out. "We're still dealing with ..." which leads me to believe that everything in the first paragraph must not have been that bad. And it says the treatment options are 'biopsy, removal, or close monitoring' so the biopsy isn't even required.

Don't get me wrong, I still want the biopsy. I'm still waiting to hear back with my referral to the surgeon, which could be as late as next Wednesday. But anyway, enough about that horrible crappy topic.

***

My friend S. is bringing her 3-year-old T. over for Trick or Treating here after while. I searched a couple stores for Sponge Bob Spooky Pants but everywhere was out, so he's getting a Corduroy book, and a spooky flashlight.

***

I noticed today that my belly is sticking out further than my chest. I still have the two rolls, but the belly button is certainly less deep than last week. So, hopefully, the merging of the FUPA and muffin top will be here soon. I'm still Al Bundy with one hand constantly on my lower belly praying to feel one or both of them move. It pretty much consumes my entire evening.

The C Word

I had my follow up appointment with my GP today, and he is referring me to a surgeon to have a biopsy of my thyroid. He mentioned that awful 'C' word. Cancer.

I can't believe I just typed that word.

How can I have waited all this time to get pregnant, overcome so much, and now have to worry about dying? I know that may seem melodramatic. But I'm pregnant, so I'm hormonal, and if this is the first thing I truly, tearfully freak out about, then so be it. No one wants to hear a doctor say that damn word. Ever. Immediately, my mind jumps to my twins having to grow up without a mommy.

Since I came home, I have been looking at pictures of my self from the past year or so, trying to figure out just exactly when my throid appears enlarged. Like somehow if I can prove what day it appeared, then I'll know how bad this might be. It was before the pregnancy. I can clearly see it on the 4th of July. What if it was caused by all the fertility meds? What if I gave myself cancer trying to get prenant?

And by the way, I H.A.T.E. this GP. My normal doctor moved to another town a few months ago, so we just stuck with the same clinic and switched doctors. My boss had been to this new GP, Dr G. we'll call him, and she thought he was really good. I hate him. I'm never going back. It was awkward at my first appointment with him, but I thought maybe we'd warm up to each other. But, we just don't mesh. And so, this was an awful visit, made worse by this discomfort. I didn't ask him any questions. I knew if I started talking I would start to bawl and I didn't feel comfortable crying in front of him. I just wanted to leave.

He starts off by walking in, kind of half remembering my story, saying Dr. C (OB) noticed the enlarged thyroid at my annual. I responded, "No, I'm pregnant." I hate him! Then, he says, "But you had fertility problems before, right?" apparently trying to make it seem like he knows about me, but just making things worse. HATE. HIM.

He then says, "They told you that you needed a biopsy, right?"

I say, "No, they didn't tell me anything." I assume he means the asshat sono tech at the imaging place last week.

Silence.

I continue. "What does the report say?"

It goes on like this with awkward pauses and me tearing up between his random statements about catching it early, can't be too careful, biopsy, surgery during pregnancy, cancer, blah, blah, blah.

I called my boss first. Then I called my friend K. And my friend S. I haven't told DH yet because he won't be home from work until 8 and I didn't want him to freak out and be stuck at work, or try to drive home while he was upset. So, I'll tell him when he gets home. And I emailed my friend J. who had thyroid surgery earlier this summer, so I could get the name of her surgeon and any inside info. She had cancer. And her surgery was successful, so far.

I know its not a death sentence. I may not even have it. And if I do, its perfectly treatable, during the pregnancy or after. But that word is just...so...scary.

Dr G (who I hate) is supposed to refer me to a surgeon. I have left a message for my OB to give me his own referral, because....that's right....I hate Dr. G. And now I have to find a new GP because I am NEVER.GOING.TO.DR.G.AGAIN! I may even drive to the nearby town where my old GP moved.

I hope its not cancer. But if it is, I hope its treatable. And that the treatments don't harm the twins, or can be put off until after they're born. And I hope that I have a lot more years to live.

Random Updates

Belly Update
So, on one of the blogs I read this week, the woman posted a picture of herself at 14 weeks. She is also pg with twins. And I thought, Holy crap! I certainly do not look that big. Which of course made me worry. Dr. C has done no measuremens. So, what if my twins aren't developing like they should? Panic. Fear. Must.Do.Something.

So, I took a bunch of pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror. I just stripped down to my bra and pajama pants, didn't even bother cleaning up the toothpaste splatters off the mirror. And then I put the pictures side by side with hers. She definitely 'appears' larger than me. But I think she is just normally thinner than me, so her baby had nowhere to go but out. I, on the other hand, have always had what I like to call birthing hips and so my babies have lots of space to float around in, plus a few layers of fat to hide beneath.

But I know I'm getting bigger. I've been wearing maternity pants for weeks. And the tops I bought don't appear as huge as they seemed when I bought them. But the biggest clue that I am indeed pregnant is the fact that I keep runnning my belly into things. Last night it was the counter in front of the kitchen sink. Today, it was the counter at work, and then a chair I was pushing in. So, no more comparing myself to skinny girls and their basketballs. And no more listening to people tell me I look so small (seriously, one guy at work today asked me if I'd lost weight!). I have told gads of people how small they look. Its meaningless!

But one last complaint. I am normally overweight, and my belly is divided into two rolls. My FUPA and then a muffin top. Ish. I know. And can I just say that I cannot wait for them to merge, to be one continuous baby bump, and not two distinct flabby rolls?! My friend K who is a month ahead of me, sent me pics today and she still has the two distinct rolls. She thought they went away at about 22 weeks for her last time. Seriously?! That will be after Christmas! So, I'm hoping the twins and their taking up more space will cause my rolls to collide by...say...Thursday!

Insomnia
My insomnia continues. DH almost died last night. (Read: I almost killed him). I fell asleep at 8:45 and I wake at 10:30pm to him clipping his fingernails in the spare bathroom which is about 3 steps from my head (if you didn't have to go through a wall).

Imagine it's you waking up to - Tink! pause. Tink! pause. pause. Tink! Tink! pause.

So, I jump him about that, he comes to bed, and immediately proceeds to snore and breathe loudly. So, I gather up my blankie and pillow and head to the couch. His phone is in the living room and begins ringing at 11:30. Which I guess I shouldn't complain about because its not like I had fallen asleep yet anyway, but still! It rings again, so I get up to check it, and his father has left him voicemail. I think to myself, Gee, its kind of late for his dad to be calling. Maybe I should take T the phone. So, I bring it to him, and he listens to the message. His dad is calling about a leaky water meter at his grandparents house!!!!!!! Where no one lives. Definitely wake my insomniac pregnant wife up kind of business!

So, I go back to the couch, relieved that there is no family emergency, and stay there until 6:30. I did sleep off and on, mostly off. I even tried a new technique - reading - which helped some. I was tired all day, but am going to try to force myself to stay up later tonight because I read that might help. It would also help if my husband tried to be more quiet. Any other foolproof methods?

Random Song of the Day

The Jordin Sparks song One Step at a Time has been playing on my XM a lot this week, and its been reminding me of our IVF journey and now our pregnancy. It seems like I always want(ed) everything right away, but we really did not get here overnight. It all happened in baby steps. And I don't know, the song is just so uplifting, that I thought I would share it with you in case it gave anyone hope.

Hurry up

and wait

So close, but so far away

Everything that you've always dreamed of

Close enough for you to taste

But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet

Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it

You know you can if you get the chance

In your face as the door keeps slamming

Now you're feeling more and more frustrated

And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take

One step at a time

There's no need to rush

It's like learning to fly

Or falling in love

It's gonna happen and it's

Supposed to happen that we

Find the reasons why

One step at a time

You believe and you doubt

You're confused, you got it all figured out

Everything that you wished for

Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours

If they only knew

When you can't wait any longer (you can't wait)

But there's no end in time (when you need to find the strength)

It's your faith that makes you stronger (the only way we get there)

The only way we get there

Is one step at a time

(14wk 5d)

Super Saturday

Very productive day. Here's the rundown:

• In anticipation of our foster care temporary license arriving this week, I finally finished my placement question list - the things I will ask the worker to help me determine whether or not DH and I can properly care for the child they want to place with us. This was mandatory since just last night I had a dream where we got an infant, and didn't know where to take her for daycare.
• I also finally finished my childcare questionnaire - the list of questions I will ask area childcare facilities while evaluating whether or not they are qualified to take care of the twins. I feel like 14 weeks is early to get started on this, but all of my friends tell me otherwise. So, maybe Monday I'll try to get the gumption up to start making the preliminary calls.
• I completed all of the tasks from my take home work to-do list.
• I paid bills.

All of that was checked off the list before noon. Then, I went to every maternity department/store on the east side of town. After about 2 hours, I came home with one new sweater. Yes, the selection is dismal. Thanks for asking.

The best news is that after 2 hours of all that walking, I am NOT spotting. Could it really be gone for good?!

(14wk, 2d)

Boys will be boys

I meant to post this yesterday, but was too lazy to get out my camera, take the picture, upload it, etc. I just know it will be worth the wait!

I was in training with leaders from throughout our company this week, and the outside trainer who we had hired was using tennis balls in some analogy that I have forgotten. One of my friends in the front of the room was bored with the trainer, and drew this on his tennis ball, and then proceeded to toss it around the room until it finally bounced onto my table in the very back of the room. Yes, all while the training was going on.

It is a picture of me, and to be sure I recognized my pregnant self in stick figure form, he labeled it for me and for everyone else in the room. Apparently, this whole pregnancy thing is kind of a big deal!

(14wk 1d)

Aha Moment

I had an epiphany this week. DH and I had been talking about how the baby on the right was moving while I played a video game on Sunday, and joking about how it might be a 'gamer.' Back at work on Monday, he texted me that he had told several people about our little discovery.

All this time, I thought I was being selfish, because I wanted the experience of carrying a child. I felt guilty. I didn't realize how much my husband would gain from my pregnancy, how important it would be for him. Even though he's not carrying these children, he is totally invested in their development and the experience. He attends every appointment. He hears every heartbeat. He sees every movement. He may not have the children IN his tummy, but he is totally a part of this pregnancy.

So that's my aha moment for this week. God has blessed us BOTH with this experience. And its not just for me, T. gets the benefit of experiencing this with me. Yay for us!

(14 weeks)

Hectic Day

I just realized it is ONLY Tuesday. Seriously? How will I ever make it through this week? I will. I know I will. But I'm exhausted.

I worked from home a lot this weekend so I wouldn't be completely buried this week. And I worked form home last night aftere a full day until my eyes were crossing and I decided the line speed wasn't worth it. And this morning when I was lying in bed having imaginary conversations with our IT Director in my head, I decided to get up and go ahead and go into work. So, I got there at 6:30 (normal arrival time for me is 8ish). I got so much done in the two hours before my 8:30 IT meeting that I had been trying to get out of in my imaginary conversation!!! I don't know what I would have done without that time. So, by the time I needed to leave for my 10:00 OB appointment, I was ready to leave for the day, had everything done on my list.

OB appointment was quick and painless. We listened to their hearts on the doppler. Awesome. Always hold my breath waiting for those. We decided NOT to have any genetic testing, which was a relief. I think I was more stressed about being forced to make some sort of decision about amnio, or reduction, or something awful like that if we had a result we didn't want. So, we're going to pretend like we're normal, healthy people, not infertile people, and we're just going to wing it, genetically. Dr. C was perfectly fine with our decision, and assured me that most things could be detected in a sonogram anyway. I go back in three weeks, on November 12th.

After more time at work, an errand, and a quick lunch of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, I headed to the sonogram place. They did not htink it was funny when I suggested they might roll the thing over my tummy. And they did not share any information about my thyroid, other than the fact that I gathered its quite large. So, I will await my appt with my GP next week to find out whether or not I should be worried. I'm assuming they're going to refer me to a new endrocrinologist - this time a thyroid specialist. How many hormone docs does one girl need?

Also, I think my belly is growing at an obnoxious rate. My OB pointed out to his resident today how large I was for 14 weeks. Which did not offend me, because I knew right away I knew he meant because its twins, not because I'm a cow. When I woke up this morning, I felt strains in my lower abdomen, intermittent, on both sides. I was worried it was cramping, but after the heartbeats, I determined it must be round ligament pain. I might have to invest in that darn belly bra after all.

Whew!

(13wk 5d)

T.G.I.F.

T.G.I.F.

I am still feeling pregnant. I have been scratching my belly today, and I imagine I feel them move when I do it. And yet, I worry that I only feel one of them move. Or that what I'm really feeling is gas. Don't get me wrong. I'm not completely bipolar. I am still giddy and excited and positive about things right now. But who doesn't have a nagging voice in the back of her head?

My self-proclaimed pregnancy partner found out yesterday that one of her twins had died. And I am so sad for her. For all the support and validation from this community, I also have opened myself up to a lot more emotion than I ever thought I could feel for someone I've never met. I thought this post was particularly well written and it just seems like what I would be feeling if it were me. I don't know how I would feel, I cannot imagine this loss, but her words just feel so true.

As for the T.G.I.F. well can I just say Whew! I finally made it through this week! As I mentioned yesterday, my work is really just a whirlwind right now. I myself prefer a day or so in meetings or out of the office each week, or every other week coupled with time to chit chat with my friends at work, perhaps a few personal emails here and there, and the luxury of all luxuries - time to plan. But starting back on September 25 and finishing up on December 15, I have a meeting, training event, or other event every single day -and the majority of them are at least 10-3. Which leaves very little time to prepare for the next meeting or to return phone calls. Every night this week I've saved email for home and even returned some calls via email because I couldn't get them returned during business hours.

I will be working from home tomorrow, which is good, because I have a lot to catch up on and I'm sure mentally I'll be a lot stronger next week because I will just feel so much more prepared. Tuesday, someone is taking over my class so I can go to the OB at 10; and a sono appt at 12:45 (for the goiter). So, working tomorrow will make that a totally guilt free work day. Can't say I didn't put in the time.

Other than the work, I really have no plans this weekend. Even though we celebrated last weekend, our anniversary is on Sunday. I need to get DH a card. I already got him a small gift. I thought we might go get a pedicure, now that I'm out of the 1st trimester, all should be well. And I need one!

Oh, and I've started stressing about Christmas, just a little. I really haven't got much shopping done, and am not finding inspiration in our new 'pre-twin-parent' budget range. So, when I get sick of work, will probably surf the internet for that.

(13w, 1 d)