The Letter

I have really been enjoying NCLM. And am so grateful for the positive response to my little confession yesterday. I'm still totally obsessed about this, but I feel so much healthier now. Thanks everyone for your comments!

As I've been reading a lot of new blogs this week, I've been getting some new ideas of ways to share my experience on my own blog. I wish I knew how to link people's blogs because I would link you to Dreams Come True...Sometimes (she's on the NCLM blogroll). She had written a letter to her future children a few posts back and wasn't comfortable sharing that letter yet. I remembered I had this letter in a jewelry box in the basement, and dug it out to share today.

I don't think I would actually ever give it to my child, but like this blog, it is a reminder of how I felt that day, what I was experiencing, and it makes me kind of nostalgic for the innocence of the days before ART when we thought timing was all we needed.

***

Dear Baby,

Today is Thursday, November 10, 2005. It's 10:55am, and I am waiting for your daddy to come out of surgery. I'm actually waiting for the surgeon to come out and tell me how it went. My eyes keep welling up with tears. It scares me to think he is doing this for us - for him and me and for you. He never thought twice about having this proceure. "Let's do it to it." he told Dr. G while he was being prepped. And I so desperately want it to be successful, because we really want you. We want our baby, and we want you to get here soon. You haven't even been conceived, and still, we dream of what you might look like, things you might say, if you'll be more like him or like me. Yo udon't even exist, and we're already discussing what we want to teach you and how we want to raise you. This surgery just has to work.

You see, your daddy has a vein, an enlarged vein, in a very tender place. And that vein is keeping him from producing healthy sperm. And without healthy sperm, daddy can't have a baby with mommy. I've been praying that this is God's will and that you'll be on your way by June.

We're ready for you to keep us up at night, to poop your pants, throw up on our clothes and change our lives forever. We can't wait!

By the time you're here, this will all be a distant memory, but I wanted you to know what your daddy did to bring you into this world, and how much I love him even if this doesn't work. He's my whole world, the greatest man I've ever known.