So, today, I want to confess that lately I've been obsessing about this fear that this ex of mine, who I am still close to, is going to get his girlfriend pregnant. I know. I know. This is really none of my business, and is really unhealthy and sick and I shouldn't care, I've been married to someone else for over 5 years, but I swear to you it is the first thought I have each morning and the last thought I have at night.
I can handle anyone else in the world getting knocked up, but her, by him, before I get my own. It's egotistical. It's crazy nonsense. And I have become convinced that it will happen any day now.
I thought admitting that here would make me feel better, but it does not. I am still worried this will happen. I ask myself, if this does happen, how will you feel? (Kind of like, confronting the mental image of the worst case scenario to realize that you could get through it) Well, I will feel cheated and that life is so freaking unfair. I will feel like a freak. A loser infertile person who will never be normal. I will feel small and insignificant. And that I was somehow not worthy to have his child. Even though I don't want a child with him and never did. I want one with my DH.
Perhaps these are emotions I should be having everyday, about every pregnant person. And perhaps when I'm keeping things in perspective, I'm actually just avoiding the reality of my emotions, and this thing that has not even occurred yet, but is sure to happen any minute, will force me to confront what a barren freak I am. It's all just so incredibly sad. I wish this ex would just go away forever and so when the inevitable happens, then I wouldn't have to hear about it or see it or experience it. I could just go one being deluded in my IF-yet-hopeful little world. But he will not go away, and so I have this suffocating fear. And a small panic attack. E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y.