Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Confession

So far in this blog, I may have appeared like a well adjusted IF'r, who can hang out with kids without freaking, who doesn't avoid the baby aisle in stores, and who generally tries to keep things in perspective. However, this is not always the case. I do have hormones. I do freak out. I do have irrational fears that haunt me. I obsess. I am human.

So, today, I want to confess that lately I've been obsessing about this fear that this ex of mine, who I am still close to, is going to get his girlfriend pregnant. I know. I know. This is really none of my business, and is really unhealthy and sick and I shouldn't care, I've been married to someone else for over 5 years, but I swear to you it is the first thought I have each morning and the last thought I have at night.

I can handle anyone else in the world getting knocked up, but her, by him, before I get my own. It's egotistical. It's crazy nonsense. And I have become convinced that it will happen any day now.

I thought admitting that here would make me feel better, but it does not. I am still worried this will happen. I ask myself, if this does happen, how will you feel? (Kind of like, confronting the mental image of the worst case scenario to realize that you could get through it) Well, I will feel cheated and that life is so freaking unfair. I will feel like a freak. A loser infertile person who will never be normal. I will feel small and insignificant. And that I was somehow not worthy to have his child. Even though I don't want a child with him and never did. I want one with my DH.

Perhaps these are emotions I should be having everyday, about every pregnant person. And perhaps when I'm keeping things in perspective, I'm actually just avoiding the reality of my emotions, and this thing that has not even occurred yet, but is sure to happen any minute, will force me to confront what a barren freak I am. It's all just so incredibly sad. I wish this ex would just go away forever and so when the inevitable happens, then I wouldn't have to hear about it or see it or experience it. I could just go one being deluded in my IF-yet-hopeful little world. But he will not go away, and so I have this suffocating fear. And a small panic attack. E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y.

12 comments:

Erin said...

Here from NaComLeavMo. I don't know the whole backstory, but I get what you're saying. I hope that you don't even have to worry about it.

Kim said...

It makes sense to me! I hope that none of your fears come true! Here from NCLM!

seriously? said...

hphWell glad to see you are a bit crazy like everyone else.

I totally hear you on this one. For some weird reason I have this total competative thing with my sister-in-law (totally one sided, on my side obviously). It all started when she got married 6 months after me and had the same color dresses. I am in total panic that she will get pregnant before I can have a child. Everytime I hear news from them I am a wreck thinking it is her big announcment. To make it worse she is a prenatal genetics counselor and talks about all the things that go wrong in pregnancies all the time (she isn't being mean, she doesn't know what we are going through).

I don't think I have any words of wisdom to get over it either. I have even talked to my shrink about it to no avail. Not that it will help but, I try to think of baby making like an individual sport, you are only going against your best time :)

sarbear said...

I totally understand where you're coming from! I have some of the same fears.

And yes, the CRM is where I will be doing my IVF in late July/Aug.

Katie said...

I've had similar obsessions. I don't focus on one particular ex-boyfriend but all 4-5 of them. I have been known to enter their names first into weddingchannel.com and then into babiesrus.com. I did this before I know had IF, but IF makes it worse. Then I remember that if I had actually married any of these guys, I would have maybe bigger issues than IF (i.e., divorce!) and that makes me feel better. You're normal.

Heidi said...

I have the same feelings towards my sister in law. It is okay to be a little bit crazy...at least that is what they keep telling me :)

Jen said...

Yeah, I had one set of friends that I've been dreading for ages. I know the feeling.

Laura said...

NaComLeavMo

Two of my sisters are single, the older of whom is finished having children. My third sister is partnered with a man who doesn't want any more children and they use every form of contraception going. My brother is single.

With all of that I have spent the last 2+ years dreading one of them announcing a pregnancy before I got (and stayed) pregnant.

I hope you get there first.

Perchancetodream said...

I totally hear you....even though I didn't want to be the one to have the child of most of my exes....there is something quite unnerving about finding out that they now have children. I wish them well but damn! I wish me well too!

Blue said...

I'm totally there with you and so glad its not just me! There are some people in my life who's kids and pregnancies I can totally deal with, almost as if I'm not going through this hell myself. But then there are others who I am avoiding and/or just dreading hearing the news from. Makes me feel totally insane, not to mention guilty! Just another quirk of IF fun to add to our list of things to cope with :-) .....at least we are all there together!

Katt said...

I understand what you are saying.

My exboyfriend got married three years after I did. They got pregnant when we couldn't. It killed me!

I don't care how nice his wife is..she will always be the bitch to me. *cringe*

Panamahat said...

Yep I hear you.

My first boyfriend married a lovely girl and they had a couple of miscarriages, then a live baby due a few months after my first would have been born. I send the child gifts birthday and Christmas and am reminded that my child does not exist, and so gets nothing in return.

I e-mailed my ex recently to inform him of my latest (and 6th) loss. He replied with the fact that his wife had had another couple of miscarriages [if that was any consolation] but was now 16 pregnant with their second child, and so F would (probably) have a sibling and he was so relieved.

Well I bet he is! And, no, it isn't any consolation that his wife has one and a half kids after a string of miscarriages. I don't wish the losses on anyone, I know how much they suck.

But they suck a whole lot more when you still don't have someone to bathe and feed and read stories to each night (DH doesn't count).

And it sucks when the exes get there first.

And it sucks when niggling thoughts become obsessions and obsessions become anxiety attacks. I have that too, and I am about to get some professional help for it.

I finally confessed to DH about my fears and emotional response to having to discuss my whole IF history with certain people. Or even just knowing the topic will come up when you meet a stranger. How my heart starts pounding and racing and blood rushes to my head and my breathing becomes short and shallow and my hands shake and my voice quavers. I hate it. And the more i hate it, the more I fear it, and the more I fear it, the more it happens.

He had no idea it was that bad. He said "you need to get some NLP [neurolinguistic programming] for that before it turns into a phobia" and I think I will. I hate that my emotional response has so much control over me. And if I wanted to feel like I had just drunk 10 cups of coffee, I should at least have the pleasure of actually drinking them!

Hugs to you.