One Third Success

Haven't been on the scale in a few days. I try to avoid it during AF and also because I've been focusing on other things. That's why I'm thinking I'm one third success. I don't want to belittle what I've changed. I've found something that works for me for breakfast. For one third of my day. And its a healthy choice, that tastes delicious and doesn't feel like I'm dieting. I'm also doing good during the week at lunch. Frozen lean cuisine or some other variety that can be consumed at my desk without adding stress or guilt to my day. In the evenings, I continue to experiment with ways to make my favorite recipes lower calorie and lower in fat. Tonight was lasagna. And I had my 1.5 servings instead of 2.

I have not been on the treadmill. I have not been watching my motivational new fat shows. And I have not been reading my spark emails. Mostly.

In the past, I would have considered this failure. But I'm hoping if I redefine it as progress than I won't give up on it so fast. That I'll still with the success I've found and build on it instead of throwing it away. It's this crazy thinking I have about perfectionism. Like somehow if I'm not anorexic, then I should just be half bulemic (binge and not purge).

So what got me off track? Well, my boss was gone from work last week. So, I busted by butt on days I was hoping would be slacking. And we didn't close on our house on Friday, so I had the stress you've already read about with the finance guy. For the record, we didn't close today either. And now we're staring down a big snowstorm which may delay our closing again if we can't get to the title office. And I had my period. And was super bitchy, which you already know. And so I just indulged a little bit. But not as much as I would have in the past. Not making excuses, just actually trying to implement some of the thinking I read in one of those spark people emails.

Not sure when I'll get back on the treadmill. Maybe after we close on thse house. I just really needed a few moments to myself tonight, to sit, watch Desperate Housewives, and drink some Captain Morgan.

Pics of the Boys

Posting some pics for the faithful infertile. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm excited for you, and for your family!

Family Pics

Will planning our next vacation

Jack making bracelets out of daddy's flip flops

Thanksgiving Dinner

Learning to blow our noses:

Sesame Street Disclaimer

Yesterday's post was brought to you by the letters A & F.

AF is known to be a dynamic combination of letters that occurs on a monthly basis and creates extreme bitchiness in its victims.

Closing has been moved to Monday. Still fucking hate my lender. Guess this gives me more time to replace the pre school I plan to fire tomorrow.

Bitchy

I've been really bitchy the past 24 hours. Really bitchy. It all started yesterday when I was trying to leave the office and everyone waited until the last minute to pester me, as I was running out the door to a meeting. And in the midst of all that the broker who we are financing our home through sends me an email saying he's worried about these documents that we haven't received yet from our bank in Wichita, blah blah blah. This is about the 10th time he's sent me a vague email that just rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure if its because he's so indirect, or his tone is just accusatory but I came unglued. I called him immediately after getting in my car to go to my meeting and ripped him, without cussing or name calling, but being definitely short and irate that he's making me feel this stress and just tell me what you want. Tell me what I'm doing wrong, etc. etc. etc. I got the paperwork to him last night. But I FUCKING HATE HIM and if our closing wasn't in two days I WOULD FUCKING FIRE HIS ASS!!!!! Before hitting send last night, I kept telling DH how I wanted to add p.s. I FUCKING HATE YOU. Which is what I went to bed repeating to myself. Today, every time I thought about it, I could feel my blood begin to boil yet again. And right now my muscles are all tense and my jaw is set and I wish he was here so I could punch him in the face.

The next victim is our current preschool. I can't remember whether or not I've bitched here about how many days they're closed. My DH had to take days off unpaid at Christmas. I've had to take several days of vacation for teacher in service days. Tonight, I mentioned that we were buying a house and would be moving, but Miss Kimberly please don't take it personally when we move the boys to a new school, we just need something more convenient to our new home. She said, "That's life." Um.....do you hate my precious little sons? Every one at that pre school usually exclaims when they see the boys, and tells us how adorable and smart they are, and how helpful little Will is all day. He's like his mommy - not even two years old yet and already stacking the chairs in the lunchroom. Very.Task.Oriented. Anyway, no one would give me a clear answer about whether or not they are open for Spring Break. And finally the teacher called the director, and they are open but there's an extra fee. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!? I'm already paying for that week, why should I have to pay more?! These people get more days off than I do from work!

I had already taken advantage of MLK (yet another day they had off) to tour four pre schools in our price range near our new home. Unfortunately, they were all scary. Yes, scary. And I'm not that picky. So, I've increased our budget by several hundred dollars and will be touring 5 places before our closing this Friday, so I can give our notice this Friday at our current daycare and the boys can start at their new place on March 1.

They may be very good for the boys. But their location is out of the question once we move. But I'm wanting to move up the change because the communication is just so poor. Are you going to be open or not? Are you going to miss my boys or just their tuition?!

Miss Kimberly asked me tonight what we do with Will at home? Um, well, we love him, we read to him, we play ball, we talk, he puts together puzzles. He's two. What do you mean? And then, Miss Patty the weird lady who sits at the front desk who is so sad to see us go tells me how much Will has improved and how great they have done there and how he struggled to adjust to the structure there. Um, hello?! He struggled?! He's been going there full time since Thanksgiving. Why wasn't I told he was struggling? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

I'M JUST TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY BITCHY TONIGHT. BAD BAD HORMONAL RAGE. PROTECT YOURSELVES - KEEP YOUR DISTANCE!!!!!

And then wish me luck in the pre school search! I want to find a permanent place for the boys that will offer after school care that they can attend even after they start elementary school in 3.75 years. That's what I had. And I definitely don't want to be scrambling for something. I want them to be able to go somewhere familiar.

Bad Girl

Went crazy yesterday. Had to work the stock show. Snuck vodka and V8 in with me. And when that was gone, my partner in crime and I downed two very large light beers. I ate a corndog. And I ate a Starbucks sandwich on the way there. I went home and had a decent dinner - new tilapia that I LOVE from Wally World. But I did not walk on the treadmill. Went to sleep at 9:15.

Gained a couple pounds back this weekend. But its Monday and I'm back on track.

Letting It All Hang Out

So. I have a confession. Sometimes in the past, I have used laxatives to jumpstart my weight loss. Not as much as others I know, but definitely for a few weeks at a time.

And I'm always tempted to use them again.

And this time, I'm still tempted, but I can't.

Not because it could mess up my gastrointestinal system or it could make me malnourished.

But because I work in a teeny tiny office environment where I could never get away with going #2. I already run the fan I'm in there, just to cover up any gas that might slip out or any other noises. It's been a habit. I just run the fan every time I'm in there. And the next closest bathroom is dangerously far away in another building.

So gross, so true. But laxatives are not going to work in this environment.



Oh, and this morning, I was at 182.6. I have to confess that yesterday was 182.0 but I'm thinking all the food I ate at David Beard's Catfish Village BUFFET (I work with men, and we eat where they want) ruined my loss! I tried to eat well. Only one trip through the line, but I did enjoy a super small bowl of their delicious WARM CHOCOLATE PUDDING.



I'm determined not to let this weekend slow me down. I know I'll be out of my routine and tempted to eat greater quantities. I hope to make up for it with extra exercise. I've been walking 30-40 minutes/night. Maybe I will try to do two sessions a day for the next two days just to keep the momentum going.

Bye Bye Blog Friend

I cleaned up my "Blog It Out" section last night. And I was sad to see how many blogs I used to read that are no longer out there. The weird part was that I couldn't 100% remember which blog was which person. I tend to know people by their first names and remember them that way, since that's how we comment on each other's blogs, and email each other behind the scenes. They were all very clever titles and the best of the best of all the blogs I read in the IF world, and boy did I read ALL I could get my eyes on.

These blogs were instrumental in my surving IF and IVF. I have friends who tell me they could have never done it, and there were times when in the middle of all those hormones that I was ready to throw in the towel. But all that seems inconsequential to the greatness of being a mom. Three years of my life feels like three days that happened thirty years ago. It's almost like a haze. And my blog is the only proof it ever happened. I can't imagine deleting all this.

My focus may have changed, but this place is sacred to me. And so are the blogs of my friends. How many did I lurk on back through years of betas to compare mine to theirs. How many did I cry with over a BFN or MC. How else would I know all of these acronyms?!?! And what about all my firsts? When I first de-lurked? When I first joined one of those crazy commenting competitions? When I first received an award? All of mine are years old now and still I can't take them down. When I first gave someone my personal email address? When I first friended one of you on FB? These were huge steps for me, and just as big for me as the first injection, the first vag wand, the first foster care class. They're all entertwined. Simply stated, I cannot separate the IF community from my IF experience.

And I guess I'm just sad to see it kind of crumbling as people move on.

Extreme Sustainability?

So...this morning the scale went down, but not much. It made me think perhaps I would just post my weight on Fridays here. I'm still recording it in Livestrong, but maybe won't bore you with the .2 pound loss or gain on a daily basis.

Immediately after stepping off the scale, I was tempted to quit this ordeal. I mean, I can't really do it, so why try? I had this negative self talk, that no matter how long I stick with this, I won't be anywhere near my goal weight, so I might as well enjoy some McDonald's today instead of the lunch I packed. Well, first of all, it goes back to that health thing. I definitely want to be here for Will and Jack. Definitely. Want to lower my cholestrol and keep my body strong so I can be the active mommy who isn't hiding under a tarp-like cover up at the pool.

So, then I started doubting my method. All of this in the span of about 10 seconds while taking my thyroid meds and brushing my teeth (that's my routine - pee, strip, weight, pill, teeth....) Maybe so far I haven't done anything extreme enough. Maybe I should eat pre-packaged Lean Cuisine, Weight Watchers, Healthy Choice entrees for every meal? Well, that's ridiculous! That's not sustainable or realistic. I am going to need to be able to eat at least some foods I've prepared myself.

I want to do something drastic enough to notice a change in my appearance, fit of my clothes and/or the scale. Help me feel like all these 'choices' I'm making are having some effect, moving the needle toward the goal. But I also want this to be something that I can continue forever! The problem is what I consider sustainable obviously is not resulting in fast enough...results.

So, one change I started today which we'll see how it goes is this...for my homemade dinner tonight, I had 1.5 servings on my plate the first trip to the kitchen. My logic is this. I always finish what I have on my plate. And I normally have two servings, which includes all of the second one even though I'm starting to feel full. So, tonight, my initial serving was about 1.5x the amount I would normally take and I totally did not need the second helping. Wahoo! It worked. And I totally felt full all night. And it was LOW FAT lasagna. Same ingredients I normally use, but fat free or low fat.

And then I watched the premiere of "Heavy" on A&E which motivated me to get on the treadmill even though it was later than normal and I really just wanted to eat a handfull of chips. And it was the best "treadmill" workout I've had so far this time around. I was "really" sweating. Really. I continue to only allow myself to read the book I'm loving right now "The Help" which motivates me to stay walking longer than I normally would.

Even though I've committed to not reporting it here tomorrow, I'm hoping I will see at least .5 pound loss overnight. I know. I know. I'm not supposed to weigh everyday, but I can't help it. I need the instant gratification, and constant feedback. Its my thing.

Oh, and while watching the Jersey Shore and drooling over some crackers the Situation was eating, I saw previews for the next episode of "I Used to be Fat". I see more motivation in my future!!!!

Oh no! 185 point Oh!

So, the weekend wreaked havoc on my attempts to eat better. I do feel like I ate better, but apparently the scale disagrees.

I was home with the boys today. MLK Day celebrated by our school. I used the time to look for a NEW school. One that will be open more often (seriously wasting all my vacation this year on daycare/preschool closures), and that will be more convenient to our new home, and the new building for my office.

It was not a success. I'm starting to think I need to find a pre school that also has after school care for elementary children, so the boys can continue to go there when they go to school. But those are WAY more expensive. Like $2200/mo vs. $1300/mo. Yes, $900 different! I was hoping I would find them a new school today, and so am disappointed I did not. We have to give 30-day notice at their current school, so if they're moving, then I need to tell the school adminstrator by next Friday. And I desperately want them gone by March 1. Why? Well, because they won't pro-rate a month, meaning you have to pay a full calendar month at a time. And in March, the school is closed a week for Spring Break. WTF!?! A week of vacation that I have, but I'd rather spend next summer with family, and oh, my husband who doesn't have vacation time yet in his new job. So, I came home this afternoon and made some calls during naptime. And will make some more calls tomorrow. And everyday until I replace the school that gets more vacation than me!

In diet news, the boys and I went for a walk with my friend E and her daughter this afternoon. 1.9 miles by the car's odometer. She's a SAHM, so she loves company, and I don't get to see her that often, so it was awesome. And a much healthier alternative to Starbucks or wine, which is what I would have done with her two weeks ago. She's dieting, too. Weight Watchers. And has already lost 10 lbs. And when she started was 10 lbs lighter than I am now, which makes her now 20 lbs lighter than me. Grrrrr! And she's beautiful. Like Latin beauty queen beautiful. I didn't find her motivating, but I also didn't feel like cursing her. Maybe I'm maturing.

Tomorrow, I'll be back at work and back in my routine. I'm hoping to shed at least 2 lbs this week, which would put me at 183 by Friday. Wish.Me.Luck.

Yo! Still 184.6

I hate weekends for dieting. During the workweek, I can be weak and hide behind my routine. I only eat what I've packed or have in the fridge at work. The schedule. The limitations. It works for me. Weekends lack all structure. And give me time to think about how hungry I am.

It is about 1:45pm. The boys are down for their afternoon nap. I ate a 500-calorie lunch about 30 minutes ago and about all I can think about is how hungry I am. DH is working on his laptop. And I'm reading diet blogs for motivation.

This is not my first diet. My weight has fluctuated as long as I remember. The first time I had any success with dieting was preparing for my wedding in October of 2002. Weight Watchers. I lost almost 30 pounds to a wedding day of 163.4. Yes, point 4. I remember.

And promptly gained it all back.

A few years later, closing in on 200 pounds yet again, I went to my doctor who prescribed Meridia. That time, I got down to about 150 pounds (lowest adult weight) and promptly gained it back after falling off the wagon and onto a ham sandwich bender at my brother's wedding. My SIL talks about watching me eat all those ham sandwiches. I love white bread and Miracle Whip!

Since that time, I've had very informal dieting and exercising. Yo-Yoing my way between 170 and 190 at any given point during the year.

I was down below 170 when I got pregnant with the twins just because I'd been active that summer, and gained at least 50 pounds during the pregnancy. After the twins were born, I didn't have much time to eat, ate everything I wanted, and somehow was less than 10 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight when I had my thyroid out.

And then all bets were off. My metabolism was positively wrecked by not having those hormones before I could start replacement drugs, and having to go off my meds every time I needed radiation. Metabolism is so so crazy, seriously, if you consider I was eating hardly anything and GAINING up to 10 pounds in one week.

To make this one a big success story (like the WW and Meridia of my past) I am trying something that worked for me in another area where I was struggling - infertility. I have been reading books (the Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl, check) and blogs and sparkpeople emails. Adding every little tidbit to the arsenal in my brain to try to push out all the negative self talk and visions of chocolate and carbs floating around up there.

Hope I don't bore you all to death, but this blog is going to be my journal to help me deal with the struggles to make healthy choices. And according to Diet Girl, blogging might help me burn 5 calories. Woohoo!

184.6

Wowza. I weight 184.6. Which is down 3 pounds from last week, but still scary.

I have been tracking my food every.single.day on Livestrong. And I've only missed one day on the treadmill. Not bad for the sedentary girl I've been since fall. I've been reading the daily emails from sparkpeople. Still eating til I'm full, but making lower calorie or lower fat content choices. Not huge sweeping changes, but hopefully something I can stick with. I have a trip to Vegas at the end of March for work, so I'm hoping to be down to 175 by that time. Wouldn't be ready to buy new clothes, but at least fit in the clothes I own better by that time.

According to livestrong, I weighed 175 a year ago. Wow, I really did let myself go this past year. It started with all the travel for work, then the radiation and crappy low-iodine diet, then just the move and all the stress of our new life and then DH going back to work. All excuses, I know. But I used food to relax and deal with the stress. And it was just one less thing to be responsible for if I ate whatever was easy and convenient. The truth is, though, that the diet I'm following right now isn't all that inconvenient. I think most of my better choices have just been in awareness - once you start logging your food intake, you're more conscious of everything you put in your body.

And the treadmill, that has been a HUGE help. I haven't researched it, but I feel like since I had my thyroid out, my metabolism is SO much better if I exercise. Earlier this year, DH and I took the boys on walks almost every day, and though its still warmer in Dallas than up north, its too cold to take the boys for 40-minute walks outside. And I had joined the gym when I first moved to Dallas, thinking I would work out at lunch. Which I did exactly two times. And realized I need my lunch hour for work. I'm not always at my store, I don't always take the time to leave for lunch, and usually just eat at my desk while working or paying a bill. So the treadmill is a way for me to get exercise given my current lifestyle. If DH picks up the boys from preschool, then I drive straight home from work and am done about 5 minutes after they get home. If I have to pick up the boys, then I try to walk right after they go to bed. So, I don't miss any time with them, and I don't feel guilty like its some burden to DH.

So, instead of thinking of all the reasons why I "can't" exercise or eat right, and instead of trying some crazy fad diet, I am trying to make small changes and focus on what I "can" do right now to change the shape of my body, and to make sure I life a long, healthy life.

I was also motivated by being around my mother over the holiday. She doesn't exercise. Never did. And when she visited last fall, she commented on how active we were (still love the image of her hunting for an ashtray on the trail by the lake!). She is only 58, but she acts to me like she's 78, slowing down and has a hard time keeping up with us. Because of our education and IF, we had the boys later than my mom had me. And so I want to be even healthier than she is, at an even later age. If I'm going to be the active senior I want to be, then I need to be healthy today.

Plus, I'm vain. And I want to look good in some new clothes.

New Blog?! Dieting Bites

So, I have definitely let myself go. But I'm working to turn that around. The result of which may be that this becomes less of an infertility blog and more of a diet blog. Lifestyle change, not a diet. I know. I know. I know. But it feels like dieting, since I can't really call two days a lifestyle quite yet!

So, I'm tracking my food intake on livestrong.com which used to be just the daily plate but has now somehow been taken over by Lance Armstrong. I was trying to be motivated by the users on sparkpeople.com but mostly just found them unattractive. And I'm more motivated by skinny, attractive people. Shallow, I know.

DH bought me a treadmill last night, which I used tonight before he came home with the boys. Felt good to be doing *something* about this situation. I am more conscious of my eating, if not necessarily eating better. I mean, I haven't had any fast food for two days, but that's not really my normal diet. I'm more of an evening snacker once the boys go to bed. So, my snacking is down some.

Basically, I want to lower my calories and fat intake. And follow this advice my doctor gave me years ago - never let your head hit the pillow without 20 minutes of exercise.

Wish me luck.