Sunday, April 26, 2009

16 Days

We took the boys to worship this morning, and I was overwhelmed with joy that they will be able to grow up in our church, surrounded by such loving, wonderful people. And I was reminded of several hymns I want to sing to my boys around the house. Well, not hymns, really, more like camp songs Sanctuary and Step by Step. Why didn't I think of them sooner? These are songs we sang around the campfire when I was a camp director. Songs I sometimes slip into in the shower. Songs that sustain me. And that I want my sons to be able to say one day My mother sang that song to me as a child. It was a great morning.

Will has lost his umbilical cord and his plastibell, so as soon as his...unit...stops looking kind of..inflamed...I won't have to worry about his wounds anymore. Jack has lost his cord, but his plastibell looks like it will be hanging in there for several more days. I am anxious for it to fall off so we can move on with our lives. A mother's love - not wanting to see your child in any situation that might possibly cause them a moment's discomfort, especially in such a tender place.

The breast feeding has all but been called off. I am pumping twice a day, generating like 2 ounces each time. I keep wondering if my body will sustain this level until I go back to work, when I could pump up the volume (pardon the pun) because at work I could take breaks and the boys will be at Melissa's house, and I wouldn't have interruptions. Hmmmm. 4 more weeks?! If not, I tried my best. I have been open to this reality all along, breast feeding twins is a big commitment. But cheapskate me will be most irritated that I spent $70 on breast pump supplies and have not gotten my money's worth.

Did I mention the boys weight gain is insufficient? As of their Friday weigh-in, we are back on the 3-hour feeding schedule. Which is better than the prior 2-hour schedule, but still concerning. I kinda wanted to just wake up when they cried for me and feed them then. I'm so over resetting my alarm clock on my phone three times a night.

One last thought before someone wakes up, I am feeling irritated by the discussion of twins as a double blessing, etc. It's almost as if my mother just glosses over the fact that we suffered with infertility for those years and that we had a huge medical intervention to get these boys. I don't want to discount the blessing they are, or God's role in our lives, but these boys are bought and paid for! We had IVF. It wasn't an accident. We knew we had a 50/50 chance of twins. And we are SO grateful because we waited for so long to have them, to be blessed with them. I don't know. Maybe I'm being sensitive. But something in the way my mother and others talk about them, I am constantly trying to bring up the IVF. This didn't just happen. We suffered. We are infertile. It's more than what you say. It's so much more. I need to work through these emotions some more before I can fully articulate them. It's hard to express.


Elana Kahn said...

One suggestion for the breastfeeding--which I know is ridiculously difficult with twins, seeing as I've been doing it since March. Try taking fenugreek--start with 1 pill 3x a day and work your way up to 4 pills 3x a day, if you need it. You can get it at GNC. I've been taking it, and I *think* it's been helping. At least I've noticed more milk when I pump.

The only reason I have time to Wii Fit & have sex is because my family and my hubby's family are all saints. They've been helping out soooo much...I really couldn't do it without them. :-)

And I agree 100% with your "double blessing" paragraph, although luckily I don't get those types of comments from my mother.

Sushilover said...

Glad to see someone else is in the same boat with the pumping. I think I might go for another month and then have to call it quits. My supply is just not enough because I have no time to pump...and girl nugget doesn't like to breast feed. Boy nugget is good but there's so limited supply that he still needs a bottle after. Oh well. As Elana said you really need a "team" of people to help out in order to successfully exlusively breast feed twins, at least in my own opinion. Although I feel guilty for not being more successful I know there are worse things. And I totally hear you on the infertile/blessing thing. People keep on saying that to me too. Although I did not do IVF specifically I obviously had assistance. My brother in law cracked me up by really came through sis...after the first set back you came back and had twins! I'm thinking he's not aware of the 4 miscarriages and the D&C, HSG's, Hysteroscopy and injections. So I just let it be and said...yeah well there was a little more to it but thanks for the credit. What are you going to do right?

JamieD said...

This post is similar to my own last post - it makes me teary to think of all the things I love that I want to share with my little one.

I have decided I will always be a bitter infertile. I had someone at work tell me, when they found out I was pregnant, "That was quick!" I wanted to say, "Are you effing kidding me?!?! What exactly is your definition of quick?"