Reality (13 Weeks!)

Since Tuesday, I have been 'feeling pregnant.' I mean, I can tell that the thickening in my waist is not just me putting on the pounds. (Speaking of which, I've gained back two of the five I lost the past few weeks)

And I am not freaking out about the spotting (which has diminished to something only I can see the past few days so its virtually gone). I can almost imagine that I feel them move sometimes when I'm laying in bed at night. Maybe I do. Maybe its gas.

I think it may have started with the maternity clothes. Wearing them, not buying them. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at work, and I had to go back and 'eek out' with glee over the image of what will be, what's almost there. I just have a much more positive, joyful outlook on this pregnancy. Like I'm starting to believe we're going to make it.

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I have been really busy at work this week, and my current pace will continue through about December 15. It's insane, but temporary. And I am taking time for myself. I cancelled a trip to Denver in November, because I thought the walking in and around DIA (security, baggage claim, gates, rental cars, etc.) might bring on spotting. And I got my boss to give my tours of our MDP class on Tuesday while I came home and worked from my laptop.

It is very difficult for me to back out of things or to hold back ... for female reasons. I work in a male-dominated industry and company, and I worry that they will look at me differently if I start taking advantage of the 'family values' that I always promote when recruiting. I know that my life will change in ways that I cannot imagine, and that my priorities will not be the same, but my career is a huge part of my identity, and I want to be the one to say 'no' My worst fear is never being asked because they assume my family commitments will prevent me from whatever it is. I don't want opportunities to be taken from me. I don't want my mommyhood to define me as an employee.

At the same time, I know in my heart that there is nothing more important than me carrying these babies to term, and taking care of myself, for them. And when they're born, the most important thing will be our family - me, DH, and the twins.

I'm just struggling with the balance.