Radiologist Report

So, I called evil Dr. G's office today to get a copy of the Radiologist's report. Which they faxed to me shortly after lunch. And....it doesn't read as bad as Dr. G made it out to be. I'm glad I called to get a copy because a) now I know everything he does; and b) IT doesn't mention the 'C' word.

In fact, in the secon paragraphs it starts out. "We're still dealing with ..." which leads me to believe that everything in the first paragraph must not have been that bad. And it says the treatment options are 'biopsy, removal, or close monitoring' so the biopsy isn't even required.

Don't get me wrong, I still want the biopsy. I'm still waiting to hear back with my referral to the surgeon, which could be as late as next Wednesday. But anyway, enough about that horrible crappy topic.

***

My friend S. is bringing her 3-year-old T. over for Trick or Treating here after while. I searched a couple stores for Sponge Bob Spooky Pants but everywhere was out, so he's getting a Corduroy book, and a spooky flashlight.

***

I noticed today that my belly is sticking out further than my chest. I still have the two rolls, but the belly button is certainly less deep than last week. So, hopefully, the merging of the FUPA and muffin top will be here soon. I'm still Al Bundy with one hand constantly on my lower belly praying to feel one or both of them move. It pretty much consumes my entire evening.

The C Word

I had my follow up appointment with my GP today, and he is referring me to a surgeon to have a biopsy of my thyroid. He mentioned that awful 'C' word. Cancer.

I can't believe I just typed that word.

How can I have waited all this time to get pregnant, overcome so much, and now have to worry about dying? I know that may seem melodramatic. But I'm pregnant, so I'm hormonal, and if this is the first thing I truly, tearfully freak out about, then so be it. No one wants to hear a doctor say that damn word. Ever. Immediately, my mind jumps to my twins having to grow up without a mommy.

Since I came home, I have been looking at pictures of my self from the past year or so, trying to figure out just exactly when my throid appears enlarged. Like somehow if I can prove what day it appeared, then I'll know how bad this might be. It was before the pregnancy. I can clearly see it on the 4th of July. What if it was caused by all the fertility meds? What if I gave myself cancer trying to get prenant?

And by the way, I H.A.T.E. this GP. My normal doctor moved to another town a few months ago, so we just stuck with the same clinic and switched doctors. My boss had been to this new GP, Dr G. we'll call him, and she thought he was really good. I hate him. I'm never going back. It was awkward at my first appointment with him, but I thought maybe we'd warm up to each other. But, we just don't mesh. And so, this was an awful visit, made worse by this discomfort. I didn't ask him any questions. I knew if I started talking I would start to bawl and I didn't feel comfortable crying in front of him. I just wanted to leave.

He starts off by walking in, kind of half remembering my story, saying Dr. C (OB) noticed the enlarged thyroid at my annual. I responded, "No, I'm pregnant." I hate him! Then, he says, "But you had fertility problems before, right?" apparently trying to make it seem like he knows about me, but just making things worse. HATE. HIM.

He then says, "They told you that you needed a biopsy, right?"

I say, "No, they didn't tell me anything." I assume he means the asshat sono tech at the imaging place last week.

Silence.

I continue. "What does the report say?"

It goes on like this with awkward pauses and me tearing up between his random statements about catching it early, can't be too careful, biopsy, surgery during pregnancy, cancer, blah, blah, blah.

I called my boss first. Then I called my friend K. And my friend S. I haven't told DH yet because he won't be home from work until 8 and I didn't want him to freak out and be stuck at work, or try to drive home while he was upset. So, I'll tell him when he gets home. And I emailed my friend J. who had thyroid surgery earlier this summer, so I could get the name of her surgeon and any inside info. She had cancer. And her surgery was successful, so far.

I know its not a death sentence. I may not even have it. And if I do, its perfectly treatable, during the pregnancy or after. But that word is just...so...scary.

Dr G (who I hate) is supposed to refer me to a surgeon. I have left a message for my OB to give me his own referral, because....that's right....I hate Dr. G. And now I have to find a new GP because I am NEVER.GOING.TO.DR.G.AGAIN! I may even drive to the nearby town where my old GP moved.

I hope its not cancer. But if it is, I hope its treatable. And that the treatments don't harm the twins, or can be put off until after they're born. And I hope that I have a lot more years to live.

Random Updates

Belly Update
So, on one of the blogs I read this week, the woman posted a picture of herself at 14 weeks. She is also pg with twins. And I thought, Holy crap! I certainly do not look that big. Which of course made me worry. Dr. C has done no measuremens. So, what if my twins aren't developing like they should? Panic. Fear. Must.Do.Something.

So, I took a bunch of pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror. I just stripped down to my bra and pajama pants, didn't even bother cleaning up the toothpaste splatters off the mirror. And then I put the pictures side by side with hers. She definitely 'appears' larger than me. But I think she is just normally thinner than me, so her baby had nowhere to go but out. I, on the other hand, have always had what I like to call birthing hips and so my babies have lots of space to float around in, plus a few layers of fat to hide beneath.

But I know I'm getting bigger. I've been wearing maternity pants for weeks. And the tops I bought don't appear as huge as they seemed when I bought them. But the biggest clue that I am indeed pregnant is the fact that I keep runnning my belly into things. Last night it was the counter in front of the kitchen sink. Today, it was the counter at work, and then a chair I was pushing in. So, no more comparing myself to skinny girls and their basketballs. And no more listening to people tell me I look so small (seriously, one guy at work today asked me if I'd lost weight!). I have told gads of people how small they look. Its meaningless!

But one last complaint. I am normally overweight, and my belly is divided into two rolls. My FUPA and then a muffin top. Ish. I know. And can I just say that I cannot wait for them to merge, to be one continuous baby bump, and not two distinct flabby rolls?! My friend K who is a month ahead of me, sent me pics today and she still has the two distinct rolls. She thought they went away at about 22 weeks for her last time. Seriously?! That will be after Christmas! So, I'm hoping the twins and their taking up more space will cause my rolls to collide by...say...Thursday!

Insomnia
My insomnia continues. DH almost died last night. (Read: I almost killed him). I fell asleep at 8:45 and I wake at 10:30pm to him clipping his fingernails in the spare bathroom which is about 3 steps from my head (if you didn't have to go through a wall).

Imagine it's you waking up to - Tink! pause. Tink! pause. pause. Tink! Tink! pause.

So, I jump him about that, he comes to bed, and immediately proceeds to snore and breathe loudly. So, I gather up my blankie and pillow and head to the couch. His phone is in the living room and begins ringing at 11:30. Which I guess I shouldn't complain about because its not like I had fallen asleep yet anyway, but still! It rings again, so I get up to check it, and his father has left him voicemail. I think to myself, Gee, its kind of late for his dad to be calling. Maybe I should take T the phone. So, I bring it to him, and he listens to the message. His dad is calling about a leaky water meter at his grandparents house!!!!!!! Where no one lives. Definitely wake my insomniac pregnant wife up kind of business!

So, I go back to the couch, relieved that there is no family emergency, and stay there until 6:30. I did sleep off and on, mostly off. I even tried a new technique - reading - which helped some. I was tired all day, but am going to try to force myself to stay up later tonight because I read that might help. It would also help if my husband tried to be more quiet. Any other foolproof methods?

Random Song of the Day

The Jordin Sparks song One Step at a Time has been playing on my XM a lot this week, and its been reminding me of our IVF journey and now our pregnancy. It seems like I always want(ed) everything right away, but we really did not get here overnight. It all happened in baby steps. And I don't know, the song is just so uplifting, that I thought I would share it with you in case it gave anyone hope.

Hurry up

and wait

So close, but so far away

Everything that you've always dreamed of

Close enough for you to taste

But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet

Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it

You know you can if you get the chance

In your face as the door keeps slamming

Now you're feeling more and more frustrated

And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take

One step at a time

There's no need to rush

It's like learning to fly

Or falling in love

It's gonna happen and it's

Supposed to happen that we

Find the reasons why

One step at a time

You believe and you doubt

You're confused, you got it all figured out

Everything that you wished for

Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours

If they only knew

When you can't wait any longer (you can't wait)

But there's no end in time (when you need to find the strength)

It's your faith that makes you stronger (the only way we get there)

The only way we get there

Is one step at a time

(14wk 5d)

Super Saturday

Very productive day. Here's the rundown:

• In anticipation of our foster care temporary license arriving this week, I finally finished my placement question list - the things I will ask the worker to help me determine whether or not DH and I can properly care for the child they want to place with us. This was mandatory since just last night I had a dream where we got an infant, and didn't know where to take her for daycare.
• I also finally finished my childcare questionnaire - the list of questions I will ask area childcare facilities while evaluating whether or not they are qualified to take care of the twins. I feel like 14 weeks is early to get started on this, but all of my friends tell me otherwise. So, maybe Monday I'll try to get the gumption up to start making the preliminary calls.
• I completed all of the tasks from my take home work to-do list.
• I paid bills.

All of that was checked off the list before noon. Then, I went to every maternity department/store on the east side of town. After about 2 hours, I came home with one new sweater. Yes, the selection is dismal. Thanks for asking.

The best news is that after 2 hours of all that walking, I am NOT spotting. Could it really be gone for good?!

(14wk, 2d)

Boys will be boys

I meant to post this yesterday, but was too lazy to get out my camera, take the picture, upload it, etc. I just know it will be worth the wait!

I was in training with leaders from throughout our company this week, and the outside trainer who we had hired was using tennis balls in some analogy that I have forgotten. One of my friends in the front of the room was bored with the trainer, and drew this on his tennis ball, and then proceeded to toss it around the room until it finally bounced onto my table in the very back of the room. Yes, all while the training was going on.

It is a picture of me, and to be sure I recognized my pregnant self in stick figure form, he labeled it for me and for everyone else in the room. Apparently, this whole pregnancy thing is kind of a big deal!

(14wk 1d)

Aha Moment

I had an epiphany this week. DH and I had been talking about how the baby on the right was moving while I played a video game on Sunday, and joking about how it might be a 'gamer.' Back at work on Monday, he texted me that he had told several people about our little discovery.

All this time, I thought I was being selfish, because I wanted the experience of carrying a child. I felt guilty. I didn't realize how much my husband would gain from my pregnancy, how important it would be for him. Even though he's not carrying these children, he is totally invested in their development and the experience. He attends every appointment. He hears every heartbeat. He sees every movement. He may not have the children IN his tummy, but he is totally a part of this pregnancy.

So that's my aha moment for this week. God has blessed us BOTH with this experience. And its not just for me, T. gets the benefit of experiencing this with me. Yay for us!

(14 weeks)

Hectic Day

I just realized it is ONLY Tuesday. Seriously? How will I ever make it through this week? I will. I know I will. But I'm exhausted.

I worked from home a lot this weekend so I wouldn't be completely buried this week. And I worked form home last night aftere a full day until my eyes were crossing and I decided the line speed wasn't worth it. And this morning when I was lying in bed having imaginary conversations with our IT Director in my head, I decided to get up and go ahead and go into work. So, I got there at 6:30 (normal arrival time for me is 8ish). I got so much done in the two hours before my 8:30 IT meeting that I had been trying to get out of in my imaginary conversation!!! I don't know what I would have done without that time. So, by the time I needed to leave for my 10:00 OB appointment, I was ready to leave for the day, had everything done on my list.

OB appointment was quick and painless. We listened to their hearts on the doppler. Awesome. Always hold my breath waiting for those. We decided NOT to have any genetic testing, which was a relief. I think I was more stressed about being forced to make some sort of decision about amnio, or reduction, or something awful like that if we had a result we didn't want. So, we're going to pretend like we're normal, healthy people, not infertile people, and we're just going to wing it, genetically. Dr. C was perfectly fine with our decision, and assured me that most things could be detected in a sonogram anyway. I go back in three weeks, on November 12th.

After more time at work, an errand, and a quick lunch of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, I headed to the sonogram place. They did not htink it was funny when I suggested they might roll the thing over my tummy. And they did not share any information about my thyroid, other than the fact that I gathered its quite large. So, I will await my appt with my GP next week to find out whether or not I should be worried. I'm assuming they're going to refer me to a new endrocrinologist - this time a thyroid specialist. How many hormone docs does one girl need?

Also, I think my belly is growing at an obnoxious rate. My OB pointed out to his resident today how large I was for 14 weeks. Which did not offend me, because I knew right away I knew he meant because its twins, not because I'm a cow. When I woke up this morning, I felt strains in my lower abdomen, intermittent, on both sides. I was worried it was cramping, but after the heartbeats, I determined it must be round ligament pain. I might have to invest in that darn belly bra after all.

Whew!

(13wk 5d)

T.G.I.F.

T.G.I.F.

I am still feeling pregnant. I have been scratching my belly today, and I imagine I feel them move when I do it. And yet, I worry that I only feel one of them move. Or that what I'm really feeling is gas. Don't get me wrong. I'm not completely bipolar. I am still giddy and excited and positive about things right now. But who doesn't have a nagging voice in the back of her head?

My self-proclaimed pregnancy partner found out yesterday that one of her twins had died. And I am so sad for her. For all the support and validation from this community, I also have opened myself up to a lot more emotion than I ever thought I could feel for someone I've never met. I thought this post was particularly well written and it just seems like what I would be feeling if it were me. I don't know how I would feel, I cannot imagine this loss, but her words just feel so true.

As for the T.G.I.F. well can I just say Whew! I finally made it through this week! As I mentioned yesterday, my work is really just a whirlwind right now. I myself prefer a day or so in meetings or out of the office each week, or every other week coupled with time to chit chat with my friends at work, perhaps a few personal emails here and there, and the luxury of all luxuries - time to plan. But starting back on September 25 and finishing up on December 15, I have a meeting, training event, or other event every single day -and the majority of them are at least 10-3. Which leaves very little time to prepare for the next meeting or to return phone calls. Every night this week I've saved email for home and even returned some calls via email because I couldn't get them returned during business hours.

I will be working from home tomorrow, which is good, because I have a lot to catch up on and I'm sure mentally I'll be a lot stronger next week because I will just feel so much more prepared. Tuesday, someone is taking over my class so I can go to the OB at 10; and a sono appt at 12:45 (for the goiter). So, working tomorrow will make that a totally guilt free work day. Can't say I didn't put in the time.

Other than the work, I really have no plans this weekend. Even though we celebrated last weekend, our anniversary is on Sunday. I need to get DH a card. I already got him a small gift. I thought we might go get a pedicure, now that I'm out of the 1st trimester, all should be well. And I need one!

Oh, and I've started stressing about Christmas, just a little. I really haven't got much shopping done, and am not finding inspiration in our new 'pre-twin-parent' budget range. So, when I get sick of work, will probably surf the internet for that.

(13w, 1 d)

Reality (13 Weeks!)

Since Tuesday, I have been 'feeling pregnant.' I mean, I can tell that the thickening in my waist is not just me putting on the pounds. (Speaking of which, I've gained back two of the five I lost the past few weeks)

And I am not freaking out about the spotting (which has diminished to something only I can see the past few days so its virtually gone). I can almost imagine that I feel them move sometimes when I'm laying in bed at night. Maybe I do. Maybe its gas.

I think it may have started with the maternity clothes. Wearing them, not buying them. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at work, and I had to go back and 'eek out' with glee over the image of what will be, what's almost there. I just have a much more positive, joyful outlook on this pregnancy. Like I'm starting to believe we're going to make it.

***

I have been really busy at work this week, and my current pace will continue through about December 15. It's insane, but temporary. And I am taking time for myself. I cancelled a trip to Denver in November, because I thought the walking in and around DIA (security, baggage claim, gates, rental cars, etc.) might bring on spotting. And I got my boss to give my tours of our MDP class on Tuesday while I came home and worked from my laptop.

It is very difficult for me to back out of things or to hold back ... for female reasons. I work in a male-dominated industry and company, and I worry that they will look at me differently if I start taking advantage of the 'family values' that I always promote when recruiting. I know that my life will change in ways that I cannot imagine, and that my priorities will not be the same, but my career is a huge part of my identity, and I want to be the one to say 'no' My worst fear is never being asked because they assume my family commitments will prevent me from whatever it is. I don't want opportunities to be taken from me. I don't want my mommyhood to define me as an employee.

At the same time, I know in my heart that there is nothing more important than me carrying these babies to term, and taking care of myself, for them. And when they're born, the most important thing will be our family - me, DH, and the twins.

I'm just struggling with the balance.

F This (12 wk 3d)

Ok, so episode 5 of Spot Fest 2008 has begun. Still brown. Still scary. Getting annoying.

I am so freaking tired of the spotting. Seriously? Both my RE and my OB told me to rest when it happened, so that must mean its serious enough to pay attention to, even if we have seen heartbeats after each of the previous 4 episodes.

I'm thinking I caused this. I think I overdid it on Friday. (OB said it could be caused by standing too much).

Friday, I worked all day, and I was feeling good, not nauseas for the first time in months, and so I was normal. I shopped for maternity clothes over the lunch hour, I worked until after 5, came home and got ready for our big anniversary date, and then, the walking back and forth into the Coliseum for Michael Buble, that's a lot more walking that I normally could stomach. Thankfully, that concert in particular did not require a lot of standing (old people can't stand that long, either). But still, I'm pretty sure that did it. How am I ever going to spend the next 6 months in bed all the time? I'm so disappointed that my body isn't more hearty, that I can't do normal things right now.

I had finished my maternity shopping yesterday by the time I noticed the spotting, so pretty much rested the rest of the day. I did go to my massage. And I did walk around the bookstore searching for something to read - in anticipation of not leaving the house today. I have plenty of work to keep me occupied here in the bed with my laptop, but STILL. I wanted to start enjoying the pregnancy and let go of my constant fear. And the tiniest tint of brown on the tp can send me into a tailspin. Grrrr.

So, to force myself to focus on something happy, here are some pictures of some of the clothes I bought yesterday. They're still a little big, but I'm in month 4 here (with twins!), so I'm expecting to pop out pretty soon. Oh, and they're much cuter in person. No, really, they are.

Anniversary Date (12wk 2d)

DH and I celebrated our 6th year of marriage last night (a week or so early, our anniversary isn't actually until the 19th). We both feel like it seems like a lot less, like maybe 3 years. I think that's a good sign.

I have finally been feeling better, so we had dinner out last night, and I ate more than just fries or a baked potato. I actually had a salad, which hasn't sounded good in about two months. DH's glass of wine smelled *so* delish, and I think it would have felt like more of a special occasion had I been able to drink with him, but obviously the health of our twins is way more important to me. I wasn't tempted, just thirsty.

Then, we saw Michael Buble in concert here in town. And it was perfect. Romantic. Funny. He's a great entertainer.

But ...

I'm used to going to concerts where if people are falling down, its because they're trashed.

And last night, we saw people falling down because they were old.

It wasn't raining. It wasn't icy. Old people just lose their balance and fall. And, apparently, Michael Buble has a lot of older fans.

***

I haven't had any more spotting (knock on wood) in over a week now. I am hoping, of course, that its gone for good.

Last night was my first night in 3 months that I did not have to give myself a shot somewhere.

Almost overnight, my symptoms have subsided. While I'm happy to be in my second trimester and feeling better, I, of course, being the freak show that I am, have a little nagging voice in the back of my head that worries its not the 12th week, but that something is wrong in there.

Next OB appt isn't for 10 more days.

DH and I talked a lot about genetic testing last night at dinner. I wish it wasn't even an option. I think we have decided to ask our OB his advice at our next appointment, and then reconsider our current stance. We're leaning away, not toward. Even though the thought of having a child with special needs frightens us.

I absolutely have to force myself to go shopping for some maternity clothes today. I had purchased some online, but the pants were so big, they were like those clown pants that have a hoop in them that hover about 6" away from the clown's waist. Everyone asks why I didn't just get a smaller size, but sadly, they were so ginormous, that I simply could not imagine them being at all flattering, even in a smaller size. So, off to the mall I go.

12 Weeks

I am so bipolar today.

On the one hand, I am elated to have made it to 12 weeks. I feel like we have overcome so much. We got pregnant! And we had embryos to freeze. The pregnancy wasn't chemical. Our betas doubled nicely! The baby was in the uterus, not some tube. There were two babies! They had heartbeats! Today is my last PIO shot (wahoo!!!!) And they continue to grow, so far.

But all of that can be gone in a heartbeat.

My friend JamieD lost her twins this week. And I am so heartbroken for her. And I know that that could have been me, and it still could be me. There are no guarantees just because I reached 12 weeks. It all just seems to senseless, and so random. And scary.

I was planning to write about how much better I've been feeling, and go on and on about meaningless details of my day, but it all seems so trivial now.

Please hold Jamie and her husband in your hearts. She deserves better.

Random Stuff (11wk 5d)

In honor of my post from yesterday, I am passing on this joke that I received from a friend at work today:

I was depressed last night after looking at my Stocks, so I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

***

I had a bad pregnancy nightmare last night. I was walking on wet concrete and fell, twice. And my mucous plug started to come out with little streaks of blood in it. And I woke up at 2am from this dream, and had to talk myself into a calm state. Do you ever have those dreams where you are so into it that you have to wake up and tell yourself It was just a dream. It wasn't real. Everything is still okay. But then I couldn't get back to sleep after that, so I moved to the couch to get away from DH's heavy breathing. And I laid awake on the couch with my mind racing for over an hour before I was able to get back to sleep. That's be about enough of the insomnia and bad dreams.

***

My Sister In Law discovered today that she is unexpectedly pregnant. She originally tested on a 5-year old pee stick that she found in her garage. She didn't have the instructions anymore, so she couldn't read it. I think she knew in her heart that she was, but needed my sister and I to encourage her to go buy another stick. Which she did. And which was positive.

She's really struggling with the reality of this right now. She's not happy right now, but she'll get there. She's concerned about the stress on their marriage, the stress on their finances, the change to their lifestyle. They have two boys - who are 7 and 5 and are perfect. I'm thrilled, because they have the best kids! I tried to convince her that her doubts are normal, that's its really soon and early and she'll get there. I think she was feeling guilty about not being more excited, like she was with the first two.

I do not think I could have been so supportive had we not got our BFP, were we not pregnant with our twins. I may have been bitter, I would have tried to be supportive, but I would have been hurt. They will be great parents, and this new niece or nephew will be a great playmate for our kids. And it will be another member of my family, who will be a blessing. My SIL will get there. My brother is already. It's just a big day for them. And I'm so glad that I'm HERE and not where I was, so I can appreciate it with a heart full of love, and without any creeping resentment in the background.

Don't Check Your 401(k) (11wk 4d)

Ok, don't do what I just did.

Don't just out of curiousity log in to your 401(k) account to see how hard a hit you've taken with the recent crappy stock market.

Because it will depress you. Because all of those thousands that you and your employer have contributed this year, but yet do not appear in the current balance, could have been put into a 'real' savings account where perhaps you could access them to buy things like diapers.

And it will scare you. You will shake and tremble with fear that the bailout won't be enough. That things will never rebound. And you'll lose it all. And you'll have to live with your as yet unborn children because you will have nothing.

Shiver.

Emotional (11wk 2d)

The pregnancy hormones are in full force today. Yeah for being pregnant!

I have been tearing up all morning from the simplest of things.

First, it was an article in People (my guilty pleasure) about Paul Newman. Then, it was the kind, supportive comments from Blue and Seriously? who have been great online friends to me, but for some reason today, I really was touched by their sharing in this journey with me. Thank you, ladies. This blog has been such an important outlet for me since I started it last Spring. And the women who share their stories, and comments, have given me such strength, such validation. It has been so amazing. But before this gets to sappy...

It was giggling that finally got the tears to burst through and run down my face. Now, I will share the link below. I found it on one of the two non-IF blogs that I follow. But I do not want to offend anyone. So, I must put in place this disclaimer:

I am a Christian. Not a very conservative one, but I am an active member of my church, I pray day and night, and I struggle to live the life God has planned for me, in the way He showed me to live. I am constantly growing in my faith.

I'm not sure if you have to be from Kansas to appreciate the humor in dissing Intelligent Design or not. If so, I apologize. I know only one of my online friends is from this state, and she may be a big proponent of this teaching. If you don't think this is funny, please just click away.

But to my demented mind, THIS is funny. I especially enjoyed the links to home and hate mail and recommend them.

I also follow the blog of Jen Lancaster, who is a fabulous author. She is hilarious, and apparently, so are her readers. I especially enjoyed their comments on Things You Don't Want to Hear.

And now I am off to watch Private Practice which was Tivo'd on the living room tivo this week, which is fabulous, because I lost track of when the new season started and would have otherwise missed it. Lucky me!

100th Post (11wk 1d)

Happy 100th Post to me!

Had OB appointment today, and got to see the twins with their fabulous little heartbeats. What a relief! I wish I didn't get so worked up, I really do, but I can't help it. I was worrying on the drive there, in the waiting room, the whole time, really. I was so worked up, even my poor innocent DH was worried. As soon as I told Dr. C about the spotting, he whipped out the sono. (Yes, sadly, I am still spotting.)

I held my breath until we saw both of their heartbeats. And then I got to watch the baby on the left show off his or her fabulous acrobatic routine which included a lot of waving around and spinning. I could have watched that all day. (How can I not feel all that movement? I mean, I know they're suspended in amniotic fluid, but seriously, (s)he was all over in there.) We didn't watch the other baby as much, but saw the heartbeat and movement, and so I'm happy. I must admit, though, this was my first belly sono, and so I was disappointed that we couldn't see the babies any better. The picture quality at my ob's office is definitely not as good as at the RE's. I'm not even posting the pic here or sending it to the fam because its so blurry and weak.

Regarding the spotting, Dr. C said it is most likely (though not 100%) from my cervix. He thinks it could be caused from standing too long, and thinks my bed rest regimen (lunch, after work, and on weekends) is plenty good. He even recommended leg stretches so I don't get clots from laying in bed so much! He predicted it could last as long as week 16, but maybe only week 14 since what I was describing was so minimal. So, that's at least 3 more weeks of this sporatic, irritating yet scary phenomena. I'm anxious to have this weekend to lie in bed and rest and hope the spotting will just freaking go away already!

Dr C did not measure their growth, or their heart rates. Not sure why. I asked about measurements, and he just said my babies were fine. He is so great, and has been doing this so long, so I didn't push. Just because I read about these things on other people's blogs doesn't mean I need them myself. But I guess I just sort of assumed that was standard.

I go back in 3 weeks, but he told me to call if I wanted to come sooner. He even stressed that if the girls at the reception desk aren't taking me serious enough to be sure to talk to his nurse and he would get me in the next day. And THIS is why I could care less about the measurements. THIS makes me feel sane and normal and validated for being a freakishly worried pregnant lady. THIS is everything to me right now.

He also told me he is only seeing me in 3 weeks, because he was afraid if he booked it sooner that I would be worried he thought there was something wrong. ;-) He knows me too well!

He is also referring me back to my PCP for the goiter. He thinks it may be a cyst and wants me to have a thyroid sono (hmmm, I wonder if they would consider taking a peak at the twins while they've got that thing fired up????). So, I need to call him next week and get that scheduled. Lovely.

I still have the spotting. And I am still upset about it every time I wipe or feel a twinge in my abdomen. The sono helped. But no more spotting would help more. So, I am committed to a homebound weekend in the hopes of getting rid of this crappy spotting for good. Just because I could spot 5 more weeks doesn't mean I HAVE to!

Spotting, Version 4.0 (10wk 6 d)

I had some BROWN spotting again this morning.

I'm not going to freak out, just rest as much as possible.

Very minimal. Appears to have gone away.

Not H.A.P.P.Y. Not P.L.E.A.S.E.D. But not freaking out. Resting in bed @ lunch (right now) and going back to finish my training class, then I will promptly return to my humble abode and work from home. Thank GOD I have this option.

Also, will be demanding a sono on Friday's OB appt. Stay tuned...