I had big plans for today. I had fantasies of laying in the sun on the hammock in the back yard, reading some brainless fiction, and perhaps drinking a nice, cool adult beverage.


But, I woke up to rain. Not one to let a little rain get me down, I thought, oh well, I'll just read on the couch and then I'll go tan at the salon later. And then perhaps hit the mall to get a new cute outfit to wear out tonight.


But ... H.A.I.L. no!

With my bad luck with my car lately I simply can't stomach any more damage. How big does hail need to be before it leaves dents??? Anyway, I'm stuck in the house until ... ? Which will help me to make up for the NCLM I didn't do yesterday, I guess. I also have 27 Dresses on Netflix to enjoy while DH is at work. So, I'm set, but I would rather be working on my tanorexia!

***

IVF#2 has officially begun! Started a new month of BCP's this morning. Does that seem as anti-climatic to you as it does to me??? I guess it just means we're on deck.

***

Lots of foster care news from yesterday.

• Talked to another foster care agency yesterday. The girl I spoke with was so helpful and the most responsive of all the agencies yet. She asked such good questions, and gave me lots of new information. There are two classes we can choose between to become licensed. One is 10 weeks, more interactive with role plays in a big class. The other is a personal class, that takes 7 weeks, and is more independent study. I know there is a 10-week class starting on July 8th, and the 7-week class can be started anytime we want. Some of her questions, I couldn't tell if they were for insurance purposes (i.e. do you have a trampoline) or a good measure of what a theme park our home might be for a kid! Hope 'no' was a good answer on that, because I'm pretty sure it would be creepy for two 30-something DINKs to have a trampoline. But that's just me...

• Found out one of my friends at work is going thru the independent study classes right now with his wife. I totally picked his brain about what the classes are like, and what they're going to do after they're licensed. They're doing the independent study on their back porch. I wish I would have known they were going to do this, and we could have done the classes together! Anyway, I am excited for them and excited to hear about their journey, and to have another person in our support network when we get licensed. Yeah!

May the Force Be With You

NCLM is kicking my a**. Don't get me wrong, I love it! But I keep getting sucked into people's stories so it takes me all evening to reach my daily quota. Normally, I can surf the internet while catching up on informative thought provoking television programs like The Real Housewives of NYC or the Real World, but with the blogs, I have to give it my full attention. I mean, I get wrapped up in other people's stories and so I turn the t.v. off. Even my friends are missing interaction with me in the evenings, texting me - are you done yet?

***

AF arrived last night with all her cramping and bloating. Lovely! So, called RE's office, left message for nurse, Nurse M (who I L.O.V.E. because she once told me that my ovaries love drugs which made me feel all fertile and stuff) calls back, takes my info, and answers none of my questions. Other Nurse M, let's call her M2, (who is very sweet but was on maternity leave during my last IVF cycle) calls back in afternoon. Are you ready for another round of IVF? I guess I had sort of detached myself from the fact that that's what I'm signing up for, because I only hesitantly replied, "I guess so..." And I really guess I am. Or I know that by the time I need to start injections again, I will be ready. So, confronting my readiness was a little empowering. I'm ready!

A few weeks ago, I was not ready. Looking back, I know this stupid cyst and this break in treatments was a blessing (God IS answering my prayers). I was in no position - mentally or physically - to be starting another medicated cycle - IUI or IVF. I was burnt out. I remember reading The empty picture frame in April and just feeling exhausted about the idea of starting again. Just too tired to even think about it. And now I'm all refreshed and healthy. I may or may not still have an abdominal blood vessel pricking bruise from two cycles ago. Oh wait, I do. But otherwise, I'm physically all better. And mentally and emotionally, also much healthier. It was a good break. And in a few weeks, I'll be ready to rock.

So, in case you're wondering .... I start another month of BCP's this Saturday. Am supposed to take an inventory of my meds from previous medicated cycles and call back so I can order my drugs. In the meantime, M2 will mail me my protocol so I will have some idea of what's going on. And I need to schedule some labs to update my bloodwork so all my 6-month stuff is up to date. So, I will probably wait and do that all together in one lovely call, because I am still in the running for favorite patient (sorry Sarbear) and I worry that frequent calls puts me on the naughty list with those ladies, so I try to keep the DD's (desperate dials) to a minimum.

And then (no and then!) ... DH and I are planning to attend a foster care informational meeting on June 10th.

***

And finally... in case you need cheering up, this video is really really old, but never ceases to make me laugh. My favorite line of all time "And which button calls your mom to come and pick you up?" Warning: There is one PG lady in this video. Enjoy!

The Letter

I have really been enjoying NCLM. And am so grateful for the positive response to my little confession yesterday. I'm still totally obsessed about this, but I feel so much healthier now. Thanks everyone for your comments!

As I've been reading a lot of new blogs this week, I've been getting some new ideas of ways to share my experience on my own blog. I wish I knew how to link people's blogs because I would link you to Dreams Come True...Sometimes (she's on the NCLM blogroll). She had written a letter to her future children a few posts back and wasn't comfortable sharing that letter yet. I remembered I had this letter in a jewelry box in the basement, and dug it out to share today.

I don't think I would actually ever give it to my child, but like this blog, it is a reminder of how I felt that day, what I was experiencing, and it makes me kind of nostalgic for the innocence of the days before ART when we thought timing was all we needed.

***

Dear Baby,

Today is Thursday, November 10, 2005. It's 10:55am, and I am waiting for your daddy to come out of surgery. I'm actually waiting for the surgeon to come out and tell me how it went. My eyes keep welling up with tears. It scares me to think he is doing this for us - for him and me and for you. He never thought twice about having this proceure. "Let's do it to it." he told Dr. G while he was being prepped. And I so desperately want it to be successful, because we really want you. We want our baby, and we want you to get here soon. You haven't even been conceived, and still, we dream of what you might look like, things you might say, if you'll be more like him or like me. Yo udon't even exist, and we're already discussing what we want to teach you and how we want to raise you. This surgery just has to work.

You see, your daddy has a vein, an enlarged vein, in a very tender place. And that vein is keeping him from producing healthy sperm. And without healthy sperm, daddy can't have a baby with mommy. I've been praying that this is God's will and that you'll be on your way by June.

We're ready for you to keep us up at night, to poop your pants, throw up on our clothes and change our lives forever. We can't wait!

By the time you're here, this will all be a distant memory, but I wanted you to know what your daddy did to bring you into this world, and how much I love him even if this doesn't work. He's my whole world, the greatest man I've ever known.

Confession

So far in this blog, I may have appeared like a well adjusted IF'r, who can hang out with kids without freaking, who doesn't avoid the baby aisle in stores, and who generally tries to keep things in perspective. However, this is not always the case. I do have hormones. I do freak out. I do have irrational fears that haunt me. I obsess. I am human.

So, today, I want to confess that lately I've been obsessing about this fear that this ex of mine, who I am still close to, is going to get his girlfriend pregnant. I know. I know. This is really none of my business, and is really unhealthy and sick and I shouldn't care, I've been married to someone else for over 5 years, but I swear to you it is the first thought I have each morning and the last thought I have at night.

I can handle anyone else in the world getting knocked up, but her, by him, before I get my own. It's egotistical. It's crazy nonsense. And I have become convinced that it will happen any day now.

I thought admitting that here would make me feel better, but it does not. I am still worried this will happen. I ask myself, if this does happen, how will you feel? (Kind of like, confronting the mental image of the worst case scenario to realize that you could get through it) Well, I will feel cheated and that life is so freaking unfair. I will feel like a freak. A loser infertile person who will never be normal. I will feel small and insignificant. And that I was somehow not worthy to have his child. Even though I don't want a child with him and never did. I want one with my DH.

Perhaps these are emotions I should be having everyday, about every pregnant person. And perhaps when I'm keeping things in perspective, I'm actually just avoiding the reality of my emotions, and this thing that has not even occurred yet, but is sure to happen any minute, will force me to confront what a barren freak I am. It's all just so incredibly sad. I wish this ex would just go away forever and so when the inevitable happens, then I wouldn't have to hear about it or see it or experience it. I could just go one being deluded in my IF-yet-hopeful little world. But he will not go away, and so I have this suffocating fear. And a small panic attack. E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y.

Tuesday Night in Tulsa

I'm in Tulsa for work. Just checked into my room and flipped on the t.v. Law & Order is featuring an infertile woman, apparently a control freak who had everything but the baby she always desired. Sound familiar? Anyway, totally missing my Tivo tonight. Think I'll flip over to Work Out.

I called the RE's office yesterday about my spotting (which continues today), and they were not concerned. Said that I could have spotting for up to three months after going on the pill. Mysteriously, I've never had this symptom before. But, I'm not going to obsess about that. What I am going to obsess about is that I'm supposed to call when AF arrives this month, now I'm worried that I won't be able to tell AF from all this spotting.

I ended up filing an insurance claim for the vandalism to my car. I'm hoping it will all be repaired by the time DH and I return from our family vacation next week. Please! I just want to move on, and forget about it!

This week is my annual summer family vacation with my parents, siblings, our spouses, and their kids. Yes, I am the only sibling without children. No, I am not the youngest. I don't normally feel like I stand out because of this. They are all incredibly supportive. And I absolutely adore my nieces and nephews. I look forward to this trip all year.

Last fall, we were stimming during a family get together, so DH and I stayed home to watch the kids while my siblings went to the bar. Somebody sober had to stay home! We woke up in the morning, with my nephew B. between us, who was 6 at the time. Before he had even opened his eyes, he reached up on the head board, picked up his Capri Sun, sucked on it, and then stated, "Too bad you guys don't have any kids!" Our only response was to look wide eyed at one another and give that little guy a hug.

I wonder if he picked up on adult conversations that weekend. We had talked about stims quite a bit. Or is it something that children pick up on? Or, did he just wish we would give him someone to play with? Not sure.

Nevertheless, I am totally excited for this weekend. Cannot wait to see their faces and just hang with my fam. Woo Hoo!!!

***

In other IF news, DH and I are strongly considering becoming foster parents.

I haven't given up on us having a child of our own, but I think that in the meantime there is definitely room in our life for a child or children. So, after some internet surfing and foster mom blog lurking, I called a couple agencies this morning. I'm excited to get the information packets and maybe even attend a class. I need to talk to some other foster parents in town, so I know why they would pick one agency over another. There have to be some positives/negatives to each one.

DH's only concern is attachment. But otherwise, he's all, "Let's go for it!" which is so wonderful, to be on the same page. I just feel like this could be our ministry at this time in our life, our way to share our faith and to be a positive force in the world. I feel called to do this. And I'm excited to get started.

I'm looking forward to learning more about attachment and all the other issues surrounding foster parenting. I want to go in with my eyes wide open, but I also don't want to be talked out of it. I don't want to be in denial about how hard this can be, I have heard horror stories. I understand this will be hard work. I understand it will be emotionally draining. But I also think we are uniquely qualified to provide a stable, temporary home environment to a child. Anyway, super excited, so had to share that here.

I'm not ready to tell the fam about the foster parenting thing yet. My boss has been less than supportive. Mostly concern about the behavioral issues we may have to confront. So, I'm playing these cards a little close to my chest for now. Maybe we will announce when we have a placement. That won't be for months anyway, so no rush in telling the fam. Just had to tell y'all.

Can I have some pity, please?

Yesterday, my friend S. and I took her 3-year old to the River Festival in Wichita. The Walk Fest to be exact. And we walked 5 miles with a 3-year old, so of course we were some of the last people to leave. We parked on county property, at the TAG office to be exact. And some person decided it would be a great idea to throw a brick through the window of my brand new car and steal her purse. My poor innocent car! My friend had left her house keys in her purse, so not only did she have to cancel all her credit cards, etc. but had to have new locks installed in her home yesterday afternoon.

As you can see from the pictures, this heinous crime has put gashes in the door and frame. What you cannot see is the scrapes and scratches in the interior from when the glass imploded. Or the scars on my heart. I don't want to be disillusioned with society. I don't want to be a victim of a random violent crime. Yes, I was not physically injured. But I do consider someone throwing a FREAKING BRICK at my car a violent crime!

The police did not come to our aid, because apparently during the festival they get '40 calls a day' about car robberies. Kinda wish I would have known that little fact before I attended this particular event! Did I mention this happened sometime between 9am and 11am in BROAD DAYLIGHT!! So, the 911 lady did not care that the tag office had a security camera pointed right at my car, or that the brick was still there. They don't really seem excited about the possibility of finger printing the brick. Me, the amateur CSI, I would have this case solved in hours, but they don't have enough resources, they say. I'm trying to decide whether or not to go back and get that darn brick, just in case. Or if I should even bother pestering the detective in Auto Theft on Monday. Why waste my energy? In the course of a 10-day festival, there are at least 399 other cases to solve.

I'm lucky that I have a company car I can drive in the meantime. Despite the totally busy week I have full of appointments and travel for work and pleasure, I need to find some time to get this fixed. And make this car all shiny and new again. I know its just a possession, but do you ever feel like you just can't win? Like EVERYTHING is going wrong? I think there should be some exemption, that if you're infertile, then you get to be rich and skinny and nothing else bad ever happens to you. Like, your suffering is so great already, we're going to break into the car BESIDE yours.

***

I actually am dealing with this well. I didn't cry or yell or scream. But it feels good to vent. I know this kind of thing happens all the time, and I'm lucky that it wasn't worse. I just feel like now my new car is tainted. I seriously hadn't even owned it a full 7 days yet, and I haven't paid for one penny of it. Pretty sure I can't return it now and ask for a new one.

Despite my foul mood, we managed to go out last night to a friend's party, and I even returned to the crime-ridden River Festival to watch the fireworks. They had rented a party bus, and everyone brought their kids. There were probably 50 of us altogether. And no one got robbed.

In other news, I've been spotting since Friday. I'm on my second week of BCP which is following my 'natural' cycle so I'm not sure what that is all about. Guess I will have to call not-so-favorite nurse at RE's office so she can chastise me for worrying too much. But spotting on day 12 is not normal for me.

Mother's Day

What kind of IF blog would this be if I didn't reference the holiday in honor of everything that I am not - Mother's Day?!

A guy (yes, that's right, a MAN) in our Sunday School class turns to me this morning and says, and I quote, "What about you guys? This is Mother's Day. How are you doing? What's going on with your stuff?" For a guy (no offense to anyone who does not feel the same), a father of 3 who had no problem getting his wife prego, I find this highly evolved. Ultra-sensitive and perceptive - that he would realize this day could be hard for someone like me. I told him I was okay, told him we were looking forward to IVF at the end of July, enjoying the time off, feeling better and normal, and thanked him for asking.

Do you always thank people for asking? Because I ALWAYS thank people for asking. I am longing to talk about my ovaries and uterus and barren womb. And the last call I made to the nurse. And the twinge I felt earlier that might be the cyst on my ovary or perhaps gas. And the worry that this cycle won't work. Or the fear that this cycle will get cancelled and we'll lose all the money we set aside in my FSA. But I don't want to use my friends and acquaintances as therapists. So, I don't normally volunteer or bring it up unless someone asks. So, today, I am grateful for this man at church, who was so considerate and so kind as to ask me about how I was experiencing the day. How cool is that?!

***

The rest of my Mother's Day was pretty relaxing. DH and I laid on the couch watching the first season of 'Boston Legal' on DVD for most of the afternoon. I have to admit I nodded off more

than once. And then I had to leave, to drive to ... wait for it ... Garden City, KS ... for work. Although I enjoy a good road trip (it was just under 4 hours to get here), we had just driven to KC and back yesterday (6 hours), so I'm kind of road tripped out. AND if you've never had the pleasure of visiting this part of the country, there is a unique aroma (read: mouth-puking stench) from the bajillion acres of feed lots. And that makes me...a Team Player. Make a note. My review comes up next year in March, and I will be listing this personal sacrifice among others - gave up major holiday at home to travel to GARDEN CITY, manure capital of the world! Team Player. (spoken in my best Denny Crane voice and clip).

***

p.s. Trip to KC yesterday was to pick up my new family-friendly and oh-so-not-eco-friendly SUV. Which I love so much I had a hard time leaving it behind and taking my company car out here to GC. Did I mention I love it???? Here's a pic, so you can love it, too! Only its even more bad a** now because they added side steps and because its sitting in MY garage ;-)

State of the Uterus

Actually, this is more of a state of the ovaries post, but I like the sound of "State of the Uterus" let's just let it slide this one time, okay?

So, I called RE's office this morning to notify them AF had arrived on Friday, and I needed to make an appointment for U/S. Lovely receptionist (yes, that IS sarcasm) had doubts that I really did need to come in - "sometimes they do, sometimes they don't" she tells me. "I do" I reply. She begrudgingly made me an appointment for 2pm, but said she would call me back if the nurses disagreed. Grrrr. I simply had a busy day and wanted to be sure I got in, and did not sit around waiting for the nurse to call me back. It is somewhat difficult to be out of the office and take a personal call in front of all the dudes I work with. "Um, yes, its me, and I got my PERIOD...yes, that's right....BRIGHT RED FLOW.. uh huh.... yes, VAGINAL sonogram...uh huh...see you then."

Low and behold I was right. Imagine that. I felt like sticking my tongue out at her when I checked in, but since I do indeed want their help getting a child, I resisted. Plus, I might still be in the running for 'favorite patient of the year' and so I wouldn't want to mess that up!

Sadly, the most ginormous cyst in the world is still residing in my self. So, lucky me cannot squeeze in one more IUI before the June IVF cycle at my clinic and lucky me gets to go back on BCP starting tomorrow. Because I am nauseas and psycho on the pills I've been taking, I asked for the BCP that I took before TTC, but apparently it is too low a dose to make the cyst shrink, so I will get a different BCP. Hopefully, there will be no weeping and gnashing of teeth this go around. Otherwise, I might not have a job.

***

Brief story to illustrate how my BCP psychosis = Job In Jeopardy.

My boss and I were at a meeting where I had outsourced the training, hired the trainer, and she and I were just there to supervise and host. Now, I love my boss. She is so good to me, we are friends, I wouldn't want to work there without her. And we hardly ever disagree about anything. So at one point during day, she leans over in a conspiratorial tone (probably hoping to share a good laugh at the trainer's expenese) and says, "I don't see what this has to do with leadership." And my head spins around three times, green bile spews from my mouth, and I retort, "Well, you can just leave then!" Seriously?! I told my boss to leave. We rode together!

And so, although I don't like to ask for special requests or appear uncooperative with my meds, treatment schedule, etc. I think you can see why I thought perhaps a prescription change was in order.

***

Current instructions are to take 3 weeks of pill, to "bleed" and to call to get protocol. So, I should know more in 21 days. Kind of a letdown, huh?

Girls Night In and Letting Go of Superstition

I had scheduled a Girls Night In some weeks ago for last night. And it was a beautiful evening, shared with 9 amazing women, none of whom are IF and all of whom know we are. The last time I had seen them, I had just had an IUI with the possibility of 6 mature eggs.

Most of them had not spoken to me since the last girls night, but every single one of them brought it up. They all took a moment to get me alone and ask, not any one in front of the entire group, not any one in an insensitive way. Amazing. They all were sad for me. They all were concerned. They all said they had thought about calling many times. How lucky am I to have these women on the fringe of my life who will come to my home and share an evening with me, telling stories about our lives and just being present in that moment, together, talking. So blessed. Such a wonderful life!

I did not bother them with the "Why aren't YOU pregnant?" nurse / US visit. I glossed over the cysts and the month off. I did not cry. I wasn't even sad. It seems like forever ago that we all sat around joking about "A&T Plus 6" when the possibility of multiples was real and it seemed like DH and I were living on the edge by plowing forward with all those eggs. It all seemed so brave and almost risky.

***

RE's office closes at noon on Fridays, so I will have to call on Monday to schedule my CD3 US. Ish! But yeah! Because I can see if the cysts from our last IUI in April have gone away, and can start moving forward with our protocol for June's IVF cycle. I'm excited and ready to get back to it. I'm almost glad that I had a month off. Like I needed to step back and stabilize my hormones a little bit, to get back to me. I had just told a friend earlier this week that I feel like I've come out of a coma. Not that I'm excited to go back under, but I guess I just can see that there is life outside of IF and IVF.

***

In other news, I'm going to let go of one of my big superstitions this week. I currently drive a Honda Civic, which would be so difficult with my 6'2" husband and a car seat - especially the backword facing newborn one. Also would make road trips really not doable, and since we are so accustomed to just getting in the car to see family 6+ hours away, we'll need room for a pack-n-play, stroller, etc. etc. etc. (I guess I still have hope these treatments will work, huh?)

So, I've been looking at SUV's. But I didn't want to buy one until we were pregnant, because I didn't want to jinx anything. Of course, when I got pregnant, I probably wouldn't want to buy one, for fear that would bring on an instant miscarriage. Stupid, stupid superstitions!!!!! (Sidenote: I sometimes blame myself that the last IUI didn't work, because I was looking at nursery bedding online during our 2WW, which for sure had to jinx it, right?) Anyway, I also didn't want the payment while trying to finance fertility treatments. But I got a raise last month, and I'm beginning to think my Civic is dated and somehow a younger girl's car, so...

I had been working with two dealers - one here in town, and one in another town - back in January. I had kind of decided to wait and not buy anything until September, when my flex spending account renews and I'll have all that extra cash. But, both dealers called me out of the blue this week after months without contact. And so, I think I just decided to buy one from the out of town guy today. I will pick it up next weekend. The price is over $1,000 lower than I would have paid in January, plus the interest rate is lower on the loan. I haven't had a car payment a couple years, so this will be an adjustment. Insurance will be lower, but gas will be higher. And the tax, well, the tax will for sure be higher. But I'm going to be spontaneous and do it anyway! If we get pregnant, then we're already set and won't have the stress of car shopping and feeling like we 'need' to find something. And if we don't, I will still have a fab new vehicle that I love and will be just great for road trips to see my fam. And since I'm buying it because I want it, not just as a family car, then I'm hoping I won't link this purchase to our upcoming IVF cycle. I hope.