Monday, April 28, 2008

New Post

New Post. New Post. Could not think of a better title than New Post.

I wanted to write about time. Because I've been thinking a lot lately about time and perspective.

DH and I had the "adoption" talk at lunch on Sunday. I had been surfing adoption sights on Saturday night, and wondering where he stood. I mean, we talked about it before any treatments, but I wondered whether or not we still felt the same. After a great chat, we are on the same page. And although I sometimes feel like we've been doing this forever, we calculated that we're right at three years since going off the pill. Somehow I had exaggerated that to 5. And he pointed out that we've really only completed two IUI's. I mean, that's nothing, right? That's child's play compared to the rest of my blogging friends. Beginners, really. So, really, only 3 years so far. From going off the pill to finding out DH had MF - 5 months. From diagnosis of varicocele to surgery, a couple more months. From varicocele surgery to RE, one year. Darn those 120 day sperm cycles! From RE to IVF, 6 months. From cancelled IVF to today, 6 months. Maybe it seems so long, because you don't experience it in months, but in two-week increments. (not an original thought, I totally read that on someone else's blog - you might be infertile count your life in 2W increments...but I totally agree and can relate!)

And you're always waiting for something. Ovulation. A test. AF. Results. An appointment. CD3. Whatever. Just always waiting. Two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks.

And to keep from becoming "one of those people" who only thinks and talks about their IF, I thought I was being healthy trying to enjoy the things I wouldn't be able to do when I was cycling or pregnant. So, I would look forward to adult beverages (okay, lots of adult beverages) or a spontaneous trip I couldn't take if we had kids. But even that isn't working anymore. Because yes, I love the new Pomegranate Fusion Smirnoff Ice, and of course, I will take your extra ticket to that outdoor concert where we can camp out and I won't have to worry about driving home so I can pass out in a chair with people I don't know. Of course! But I would rather take my child to the zoo. I would rather fall asleep in a rocking chair in my house with my baby in my arms. I don't want the college life anymore. And I don't want the young, adult professional life anymore. I want the Parents of Young Children life with the sleep deprivation and the kid throwing the fit in the grocery store aisle and the spelling list and the every vacation about the kids. So, my consolation prize isn't that consoling anymore. I'm kind of over it. Doesn't that mean I'm ready and that NOW is the right time?

So, DH and I decided to try this June IVF cycle. And talk after that about another IVF or perhaps going back to IUI. In the meantime, we will learn and begin everything we can about adoption without spending more than a few hundred dollars. In the end, if we don't adopt, we will certainly know more about it. And if we do, then we'll be that much further ahead in the process. One plus, we both agree that because of our non-traditional families today (lots of divorce, remarriage, step and half siblings) that we are in a unique position to love and care for an adopted child. I don't feel 'called' to adopt at this time, but I'm feeling a crack open in my heart and my brain to start listening if that's our purpose.

In less depressing news, I went for a walk today at lunch. This is one of my favorite spring time traditions. It's a 45- minute loop around my neighborhood, and it totally gives me more energy all afternoon and evening. I may only have one more week before I go on the pill for our June IVF cycle, so I need to enjoy all the non-nauseas / crazy bitch days that I can. And today, at lunch, I practiced being "present" on my walk. I was at peace because I was doing everything that I could at that moment to be a healthy vessel for our child. Very powerful.


Melanie said...

I couldn't agree more. With infertility, we spend so much time waiting that we forget how to live. My almost two month break from treatment has turned out to be a joy because I'm remembering how to live and enjoy again. Like you, the roller coaster will likely begin again in June, so we'll see if I'm able to hold on to my newly discovered "centeredness."

Marie said...

Adoption is a wonderful journey. We have built our family through adoption, after many years of infertility. I hope you will consider it. I wish you all the best.