Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Why aren't YOU pregnant?

CD4

So, AF arrived on Saturday, 16dpiui. I knew it was coming on Thursday. I didn't even bother taking an HPT after the negative on Wednesday (13 dpiui).

I had already planned a trip to MN for a friend's birthday, planning to spend the first night in IA with my brother and his family. She had suffered her third miscarriage earlier in the week, so I wanted to be there for her, to make that day just suck a little less. I was depressed and emotional on the drive. I almost turned around, but my commitment to my friend, that her loss was bigger than mine, that her birthday was that same week, forced me to keep going. And I'm so glad I did.

I had a few hours to chat with my brother and his wife on Thursday night. Friday morning, I awoke to the pitter patter of their 7-year-old running in to wake me at 6:40am. And I got to enjoy him for two hours before he left for school. While he was at school, I got to hang out with his 4-year old younger brother. And the highlight of my month, I got to have lunch with them both at their elementary school. With the other kiddos. It was completely and totally life giving. It is hard to live so far from these loved ones, but being with them reminded me of how much I already have in my life, and just made me feel connected to 'family' even if my own at home does not include any children, yet.

Friday night, I enjoyed the drunken frivolity of women friends from college. We made a**es of ourselves like not a day had passed since graduation. I took a moment to look around the table early in the evening and enjoy their faces and the experience of being surrounded by the love of my closest friends. And am proud to report I did not drunk dial anyone (though I did drunk text my friend Steph). And am also proud we did not cry at all that night. There were long, strong hugs and thank you's from my friend and her family that I came. Where else in the world could I have been at that moment? It was meant to be.

Monday was my baseline ultrasound. And here's where the story gets good. The nurse walks in, turns to me and says, ahem, "Why aren't you pregnant?" Shocked, dismayed, and tongue tied, I just gaped at her. She must have known this didn't sit well, so she went on, "We were just talking about how well you've done these two cycles, and we can't figure out why you're not."

Seriously?! This is a paid professional provider of health care for women who cannot conceive! Now, I realize she must think I'm stronger than I am. I do put on a brave face in that office. I don't want to cry in front of them. I'm competitive, so I want to be their best, least complicated, most easy going patient. I do. I know they don't vote, but I imagine that I win this award and they all discuss how great I am after I leave. But never once do they ask me, the uneducated patient to explain my own barren womb!

And it gets worse.

Next, she finds about 6 cysts on my ovaries that will in effect put me out of commission this month. So, my body gets a break whether I was ready for this or not. She warns against stomach activities, to which I ask, "What are stomach activities?" I'm thinking its some sort of warning against a certain sexual position of which I'm not aware or a medical procedure or something, but all I hear her explain is "you know, like situps, running...." and I'm laughing, shaking my head, and saving her the trouble. This woman has seen me naked. I don't know what about my physical appearance indicated that I would even consider a situp, let alone be capable of performing one. I have never been thin, but have really become bloated what with the nausea and the carbs and the whole being entirely too tired to exercise for the last 6 months.

Anyway, no IUI cycle this month for us. We will go back when I get my period next month so they can check the cysts. If they're gone, I can continue. If they're still there, I will need to go on the pill to calm them down. This month was supposed to be our last IUI before we went back to IVF. But now, what with the "we can't figure out why you're not pregnant" I'm wondering if maybe we should try a few more IUI's before we take the big plunge. Financially, emotionally, psychologically, did I mention emotionally?, I'm just not sure what is right for us. I might have to talk to the doctor if I haven't figured it out by then. I just hope these darn cysts go away on their own so I don't have to wait too much longer.

On the positive side, I can now make a trip for work that was falling right in the middle of this cycle, right about the time I would need to be in town for insemination. And I can go to my brother's 30th birthday party in Wyoming and make an a** out of myself in front of my brother's friends, his wife, and my parents. And maybe after I get over this cold, I will actually attempt some exercise - but absolutely no stomach activities! Now, at least, I've got an excuse!

1 comment:

Perchancetodream said...

Isn't it amazing how clueless even the professionals can be? I know that an enforced break is frustrating. I'm taking a month off by choice. I'm sick as a dog and need real medication and I just need to get back to the gym, acupuncture, not getting up at 6am to go to the clinic before work, etc......

It sounds like you've got a lot of good, emotionally healthy stuff planned for your break though and that can do wonders for your state of mind!