I don't know what to pray for.
- I mentioned this to a group of Christians a few weeks ago and one girl suggested that I pray for God to turn my heart so that my will was his will. But what if his will is that I don't have any children? Do I pray for him to change my heart so I don't want this anymore? I can't accept that right now. Nice Assvice, you naive little twit!
- But when a friend is diagnosed with terminal cancer, I tend to accept their fate and pray for God to ease their suffering, to be with them, to let that person know that God is there with them, and to protect the family, and to guide the doctors. I rarely pray for a cure. Maybe I should. Maybe not. When I was in college and my cousin B. was dying of AIDS, I found a card for him that said Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace within it. He was going to die. We all knew it. So what was the point of praying for a cure?
- But for me, I don't accept this fate. I don't accept a life without a family of my own. I reject that. And so I pray for a healthy baby of our own. I don't pray for a pregnancy, because I'm afraid that's not specific enough. That could be misconstrued to be just a chemical pregnancy, or maybe I would miscarry, or my baby would be stillborn, or have a heart condition. Or my absurd parenting would cause it extreme emotional problems. So, I find myself being suspersitious and controlling with my prayers - I want a physically, emotionally, and psychologically healthy baby of our own. Not adopted. Not donor anything. Our own.
- I saw Rob.ert S.chuller last fall and he wanted people to repeat the words "God is answering my prayers." to themselves in times of doubt. But God doesn't "seem" to be answering my prayers. Maybe he is. Maybe the eggs I emit each month aren't healthy enough for me. Maybe there would have been a chromosomal abnormality, or I'll be diagnosed with some disease I don't know about yet, and so the delay is saving something so my prayer will be answered. How can you trust that your prayers are being answered, when you can't see it, when there's no progress or no movement, or no sign? How do you hold that faith, or how long do you hold onto it before you decide that you've missed the mark and he doesn't want this for you at all?
- In church a few weeks ago, the special music was My Deliverer by Rich Mullins. I enjoyed it so much, that I had to buy it on itunes. And when I listen to it, I'm brought to tears, like God is coming for me to deliver me. Like everyone or everything that torments me had better watch out, because he's a'comin! I feel like I can hear His footsteps with every beat of the drum, like its gettig louder and building up to this big event. But the song ends, and nothing changes. Month after month of cervical mucus and AF and my body doing everything right, and that nurse with her question, "What aren't YOU pregnant? WHEN is He coming?
- My friend T. told me a few weeks ago (stop me if you've heard this one!) that maybe the timing just hadn't been right for us yet. We're good enough friends that I called her on that bull right away, 'Are you freaking kidding me? How could the timing not be right for four freaking years!' but she had meant to comfort, not to torment.
And then on Thursday night, I read these words by Anne Lamott about grace:
"It is unearned love - the love that goes before, that greets us on the way. It's the help you receive when you have no bright ideas left, when you are empty and desperate and have discovered that your best thinking and most charming charm have failed you. Grace is the light or electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from that isolated place and puts you with others who are as startled and embarrassed and eventually grateful as you are to be there."
They really touched me, because I can relate to the grace of being saved of my sins. But being saved in the present from a situation is kind of foreign. I immediately thought of the IF community when I read this, which has saved me from weathering this storm alone. Maybe that's what 'My Deliverer' was coming to bring me. A bunch of blogs.
So, I was wondering what you all pray for??? What do you ask God to do for you, or to give to you, or to work in you?
Again, I apologize that this was all so random. I'm a little beyond coherent thought.