So, last week, I bought Yoga 4 Fertility on Amazon. It arrived at work today, and I rushed home to try it out. Gee, do you think that was a precursor? RUSHING home to do YOGA????
So, as you may have already guessed, this yoga DVD is SO not me.
Exhibit A: I am currently watching Dr. Phil, worrying that the dog may be eating grass outside, or perhaps her poo, writing this blog, thinking about what I want for dinner, eyeing the battery strength on my laptop. I walk, type, and do everything a million miles a minute and all at the same time. I'm quite efficient this way. My boss once gave me a cartoon of this woman interviewing for a job and she says, "I can do the work of two men, but I'd have to slow down." And she got this for me, well, because it's true. I already do the work of several men in my office, plus my own job. That's how I roll.
But yoga, sheesh, yoga is for napping. Yoga is apparently like listening to a very long, very boring story that you've heard 50 times already. In fact, in the beginning of this video, the lady freaking teaches you how to breathe and you sound exactly like you're snoring. I'm not even this slow in my sleep!!! After about 20 minutes in the exact same pose, I stopped watching and hit fast forward. I was bored with everything below 20X.
Now, some of you may be saying this is my problem. I can't slow down, can't breathe, can't BE PRESENT! Okay, I know this. You're right. I cannot be present. I'm fine with that. I worry a little that this is contributing to our IF, but I'm going to let that little thought go and not obsess about how obsessions and multi-tasking are causing me not to have a baby, which causes me to obsess about IF all the time. No, I'm just going to sell this stupid DVD and get it out of my eyesight - just one more thing I've failed at. I can't even do yoga!
But back to being present. I've been reading A New Earth and doing the workbooks online with Oprah. And I am aware of the voice in the head, the one that kept me up last night obsessing about one sentence I said to one friend at church, and worrying that what I said was wrong or hurtful and thinking up a pretend conversation with that friend, or worrying that I should call. Seriously, if it is not one thing, it is totally another. Just this record player in my head, which records every word I say and analyzes every other person's response, or analyzes every word a nurse says for innuendo or some clue as to whether their clinical information is positive or negative. Obsess! Obsess! Obsess!
Yoga may not be the answer, but I definitely need to find some relaxation technique. I was awake on and off all night last night, with that stupid conversation and a million other crazy thoughts. Just replaying conversations, or trying to remember to do something when I got to work. How can I shut down my brain and that voice? Ambien. I should probably go see Dr. Drug Pusher and get some Ambien.
No more yoga. I will have to find another way to relax. Ambien might be nice. But I've got Bud Lite in the fridge, so for now, I think I've got a plan. Self medicate. Probably not as healthy as yoga, but more my style, that's for sure. Cheers!