I Deserve to Be Happy

I apologize this is SO late...I wrote it on 4/29! I have had a "java" problem and have decided to go ahead and use another computer to just.get.it.posted.

First, an update on "the little Will" as he is known around our house.

Took him to the surgeon yesterday for his consult and he DOES need surgery for a hydrocele. Google it if you want to know more. I was relieved it wasn't a tumor.

The surgeon was super nice, and I am now paranoid it was because I was crazy on the phone with his referral nurse.

Nurse: Which doctor were you wanting to make an appointment with?

Me: I'm not sure. They just gave me a card with all the doctors and I'm not very happy about it.

Nurse: Well, all of our doctors here are great.

Me: Can you put me with whichever doctor is going to be nicest to the mom?

Etc

Etc

Etc

I started to get suspicious when the surgeon told me how many times he'd done this surgery and reassured me how great a pediatrician I have. I know he's a great pediatrician. He's been rated one of D's best year after year after year and he spotted this fluid like a good doctor should. I just don't think he's a good match for me, because whenever I'm around him I feel insecure and afraid to ask questions, and I'm pretty sure last time I saw him he chastised me for asking my son not to slam the drawer he was working in shut anymore. GRRRRRRR! But I do love the surgeon and perhaps by meeting me he now thinks I'm just crazy overprotective because of our IF (which came up b/c I was concerned little Will may have some lasting side effects from the hydrocele in that area) and not because I'm just the regular kind of crazy.

I must admit. I am kind of crazy. Especially when it comes to my tantrum-throwing, loveable little two year olds :)

***

I was just watching some show earlier - RH of Orange County perhaps? - where the one lady, Tamra, I believe, kept talking about how she deserves to be happy and how hard that is for her to accept. I think that's what I've been going through with our life here in Dallas. I mean, I'm going to make more money this year than I ever dreamed or even hoped I would. It's beyond anything I ever had planned for myself. Don't get all worried. I'm not even in the 6 figures. But I can see 6 figures from here. And its like crazy success. And I love my husband. And despite the minor surgery on little Will's nads and some remissioned cancer on momma, we are healthy. Of course, I'd like to be skinnier and to have a boob job, but really, seriously, our life is beyond what I thought it could be just a few short years ago.

I think what I'm having a hard time with is being happy. With everything and more than I've ever dreamed. And adjusting my expectations and really perception of "happy" to that reality. I'm sorry if you're getting sick of this talk, or if you think I'm repetitive. I'm just really having a hard time articulating what I'm experiencing or moving past the perception of this monumental change. I mean, seriously, my parents gave me such stupid money issues. I have the money in the bank, but I'd rather ... I don't know ... anything ... than pay someone else to do it. Paint my own toenails. Paint my garage door. Mow my grass. And I'd rather have the money in the bank than spend it. And I'd rather worry about keeping that balance high in the bank than enjoy the fact that I have more money on hand than ever.before.in.my.life.

I have money issues. And I will probably continue to explore them here where I feel safe. Because I know its tacky to talk about money, so I don't really feel like I can talk about it with anyone but DH.

***

Part of my deserving to be happy adventure ... I'm getting my hair straightened tomorrow morning. Kertain treatment which is otherwise known as a Brazillian Blowout. My hair is super frizzy here, and I love it straight, but I'm too lazy to flat iron it unless I'm at a hotel or the boys are out with their daddy. So, anyway, this is something that I would normally use as a reward for myself....something that millions of other women just do as a part of their regular beauty regimen. It would normally be a treat for losing 10 pounds or the splurge part of my tax return / or bonus, etc. But instead, as part of living in the now and allowing myself the success I have EARNED through my hard work, I am just, on a regular Saturday morning, taking the time to get my hair straightened, for me. All for me. Not a prize. Not a reward. Not a splurge. Just .... this is my life now. And this is what I want in this moment.

Sounds like crazy talk to me. But I'm going to try to normalize it. Without going crazy and oppulent or something.

See what I mean? Normal but holding back. Can't help it. Crazy.About.Money.

Thanks, Mom! :)

Lil Bit o Depression

I can feel some depression sinking in. It happens from time to time when all I want to do is lay in bed and EAT. Which is basically all I did during fertility treatments and pregnancy and radiation. So, for a long time, it just looked like fertility treatments, pregnancy and radiation. But I know its mild depression. I know it is.

So, I lay here, in bed, watching a reality show marathon while my husband is in the living room with our two boys. I'm hoping a night off will get me by. I'm hoping I can talk myself out of this. But really, all I want to do is eat and lay in this bed and fast forward through commercials on my Tivo.

But I actually have work to do. To make up. From being off two days last week (friends from MN in town visiting). And for leaving early tomorrow.

At Will's two-year well visit, his pediatrician found some fluid in his left testicle. So....we have our surgical consult tomorrow. I am hoping it is a simple hydrocele and that a simple outpatient procedure will cure it. Please pray for good things tomorrow afternoon.

In other news, Will has become a terror of a two year old. Tonight, he is a dream - sweet and funny and interacting with everyone well except for when he threw his plate on the floor at dinner. But this morning, he stood outside our bedroom door behind which was my showering husband and screamed "mommy" (because that's what he's calling daddy these days) and threw himself against the door and banged his fists on the door and kicked and cried and pushed his brother down. First.Thing.This.Morning. So, I was exhausted from that ordeal before my day even began.

I know he has a strong will. I have the same personality. I know this year will be rough and that all two-year olds need to assert their individuality. There will be time outs - for him and for me. And I guess that I'm having one for me tonight.

Boys Elmo Birthday (aka the Water Bottle Birthday)

Hopefully, these are self-explanatory. I made WAY too much food. And I sincerely believe the boys had the best day of their lives ... we are so lucky to have such wonderful friends here in Dallas who made the day special for our boys!

Senseless Tragedy

One of my friends from my hometown in Iowa was killed this morning on his drive to work. You can read about it or watch the video at THIS LINK. I found out about it through mutual friends posts on FB. We weren't close friends. We hadn't kept in touch since I went away to college. He lived a block or so away from me in elementary school. We sometimes hung out in the same crowd in high school. My hs boyfriend was friends with him. And I once punched and threatened his little brother for being mean to my cousin. The scene of this accident is just a few miles from my brother's house. It could have been my SIL, my brother, my nephews, my mom. It could have been me. I've always been afraid of car wrecks. I still am. And this is why. Innocent man. Wonderful husband, father, and friend. Killed. While driving to work. No slick roads. No texting. No drinking. Just a senseless tragedy.

Surge to the Merge! and other fun stuff

This weekend, I read THIS article on a friend's facebook page ... and am now a believer. I used to curse the people who flew past me in the other lane, but now I feel completely guilt free and justified. Plus, its taken about 15 minutes off my commute home at night. Woo Hoo!

***

The boys seem to be adjusting to their new daycare. I know I still am loving all the attention they're getting and the communication we're getting. It rocks! I swear they've never sucked their thumbs more than they have with all the recent changes, but I know they're resilient and they'll get there.

One of the best parts of living in the 'burbs is my willingness to leave the house after I've come home. Tonight, I packed up a dinner in snack cups so DH and I could take the boys to the neighborhood playground. The boys enjoyed their dinner, and ignored the playground equipment. They just wanted to run and be chased and to explore the greenbelt.

So, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the quality of life I was seeking is working out according to plan. Which feels so good. I'm proud of the life my boys will have in this house/neighborhood/school system/town.

***

Dieting sucks. But hopefully all this exercise I'm getting on the treadmill (yes, I dusted it off last night!) and walking the boys back/forth to the park and chasing them around the open fields, will counteract any cheating I do with food.

That being said, I have been feeling very.very.very tired lately, and I really want to see my endocrinologist to check my thyroid replacement. The soonist I can get in is late May, which sucks, so I may have to find a new one, closer to our new home. Too bad I spend all my time researching contractors for little projects at the new house and don't really leave myself much time for other personal calls, etc. (masonry for mailbox replacment, roof repairs, hot tub removal [we are SO not hot tub people], swingset (read: death trap) removal, garage door painting, locksmith for deadbolt installation, etc. etc. etc. Its all a bunch of little stuff that is going to add up and when its done, I'll probably be blissfully bored, but that will just leave me time for furniture shopping!

Wistful Thinking

Was just reading a blog I like to read from time to time ... Little Miss Momma. She is so beautiful and I love seeing her photography. And sometimes her posts make me smile. Today she posted some pics from her husband's phone, and there were many of her little singleton. And it makes me wistful. Because although I feel guilty about it, I sometimes envy the momma who can have just one baby at a time. I so appreciate these two little boys. I can't imagine our life without them. I think they are funny, and smart, and cute, and also its like they know their second birthday is next weekend and so they've decided to be two already! So, they are whiney and needy and tantrum-throwing and melty-downy and still cute and smart and funny. Their facial expressions crack me up and their favorite word is either "mine" or "no". And I still remember when I worried we'd never have children of our own. And so I don't want to give up either of them, I just sometimes have this grass is greener when it comes to twins vs singletons.

***

Preparations for the 2nd birthday party continue. This weekend I made four (count em, 4) batches of enchiladas. Next weekend will be cupcakes and cake pops and decorating. I hope to get out this afternoon during naptime or shortly thereafter to purchase the gifts (which were an afterthought to the party, I'm afraid!). We are getting the boys some little gifts and tricycles. I read somewhere it was a good gift for this age. So, I'm excited to teach them to ride.

Hopefully I can be posting pictures this time next week! The theme is Elmo (also one of their favorite words) and so there will be a lot of red.

***

The boys had their last day at their old pre school on Thursday. And even though I half the time thought they hated me, or didn't love the boys enough, I still cried when I left for the last time.

They started their new school on Friday, and I was able to watch on the webcam, so I could see how sweet they were to the boys after we left. And how good the boys did (except during naptime!) and I really appreciate what $800 MORE a month in daycare can do for you. The people are so friendly, the building and toys are so nice. And I've seen those 3-year-old teachers in action, so I know that next year, if possible, will be EVEN BETTER than what they've got now. Biggest bonus is its like 1mile from our new home, which means the boys aren't sitting in traffic. And my commute is shorter. All which makes this momma very.very happy.

***

All those months ago I started my new year's diet and I quickly fell off. I'm back on it again, though not as gung ho but definitely making good choices and seeing progress. I like to have a goal, so right now I'm working toward a family reunion at the beginning of June to be followed by our annual 4th of July pilgremage to Minnesota. Anyway, I'm trying.