Day After Christmas

I just bought the second crib. I bought the first one back before we were pregnant, when I thought I was buying a bed for foster kids (see pics here). I plan to have the boys co-sleep at first, but was afraid the bed would be discontinued, which would be a huge tragedy, because anal me needs them to match. In fact, we bought the first crib at Wal-Mart, and they haven't carried the entire line the last few weeks. So, I conducted an obsessive online search until I found the same crib marketed under another brand name, and $100 more expensive on ebay and at Target, but now they have them at Wal-Mart again. So, yay for me! Now, we can get the bed and mattress for less than the bed would have been from another vendor.

***

I haven't done much today. Online shopping for the crib. A few returns. A few groceries. Took the ornaments off the tree. DH is at work. But I'm letting him move the decorations downstairs when he gets home, because I'm being a good girl - not lifting too many things. We're headed to Iowa to visit family tonight to beat an impending ice storm, so I need to pack. Sadly, I have two pairs of pants that still fit (three if you count my pajamas!) that are casual enough for hanging out with the fam.

***

I'm trying to purposely take it easy.

At my appointment this week, my OB asked if my company had a succession plan for me, meaning he is wanting me to start preparing for bed rest. Because I am measuring 34 weeks, but just hit 23 weeks yesterday. So, even though I have enough energy and the mental fortitude to be in the kitchen baking right now, I am laying in bed, watching CSI re-runs, and pushing fluids. After the bad day I had on Tuesday, I have decided that I want to start working half days after the first of the year.

I can work from home for the other half. So my current plan is to work all day on the 2nd (should be a play day since about 10% of the workforce will be there that day), leave early for a sono on the 5th, and then work half days from them on.

I'm hoping that my OB is pleased with this plan when I see him on the 6th. Actually, I'm hoping that by working half days now, I can have 'some' freedom for longer instead of being locked down to full bed rest sooner. I'd like to make it to at least 28 weeks before I'm on lockdown. 36 would be better, but I don't want to have unrealistic expectations. OB is still predicting delivery @ 35 weeks. I would just L.O.V.E. to prove him wrong!

***

My SIL told me on the phone today that she is planning on me watching her boys (ages 7 and 5) on Monday for two hours; and Tuesday for most of the day. She was apologizing, blaming my brother getting called back to work when she was counting on him to take them while she worked those days. I am ecstatic! They are no work at all. In fact, they are my favorites, and I'm so happy to get to have them to myself for a couple more days. I keep reminding myself that the next time I see them, I will have two very demanding distractions. I will never be just their aunt again. I'm so glad I took these days off so we could have a nice, long visit at home. I see some Chucky Cheese in our future!

My Blog is Fabulous?!?!

My good friend Elana has given my blog an award.

The rules of this award are to share 5 of your obsessions and pass this on to 5 more blogger friends. So, here goes.

Obsesssions

1. Pre Term Labor. I google it. Read about it. Lay on my side and try to feel Braxton Hicks contractions. And analyze every abdominal twinge, all day long. I want so much to carry these babies to a healthy term, and constantly worry that its just not going to happen.

2. Stupid conversation from yesterday. See post below. I can't help it. I am obsessively compelled to think about it at all times right now. It seriously better not ruin my Christmas!

3. Finding affordable, quality childcare. Whatever will I do with my two boys when I go back to work? I really need to stop procrastinating (and yet worrying) and do something about this.

4. Our Family Budget. I am constantly evaluating my car, our house payment, our cable bill, looking for ways I can cut back our spending so we can spend that money on childcare and diapers and adorable clothes from Gymboree!

5. Comfort. I know these are all pregnancy-related, so I apologize. But I am constantly seeking a comfortable position. During the day, I fantasize about the new pillow configuration I might try that night. My new obsession is sleeping on the couch, because I just flip my head from end to end, instead of trying to flip over. Sad.

Passing it on to:

1. Blue at Operation Offspring

2. Erin at Seriously?!?

3. Pepper at On to Plan B

4. Jamie at The Therapist is In

5. G at Makes you Stronger

The Long and Short of It

So, a short update from my appointment with the thyroid surgeon on Monday. Brace yourselves. The roller coaster ride continues.

Even though the pathology report read benign and that is what the nurse told me on the phone, my actual diagnosis is a follicular neoplasm. And this information that I googled is pretty much word for word what Dr. L told me on Monday:

What is a follicular neoplasm?
Follicular neoplasms are thyroid nodules that may be benign or may be a form of thyroid cancer. This situation occurs when samples from a fine needle aspiration biopsy of a nodule reveal clusters of increased numbers of epithelial cells grouped together in specific patterns with small amounts of colloid present. This configuration marks a nodule as a particular kind of growth that is referred to as a follicular neoplasm. If the cells that have grown to form this nodule remain contained within a thin capsule of tissue that surrounds it, it is a benign thyroid nodule called a follicular adenoma. Alternatively, if the cells grow to penetrate the capsule of tissue to invade normal thyroid tissue or blood vessels within the thyroid gland, it is malignant, representing a form of thyroid cancer called follicular thyroid cancer. It is not possible to distinguish a follicular adenoma from follicular thyroid cancer on the basis of a fine needle aspiration biopsy sample. To make a definitive diagnosis, it is necessary to surgically remove the nodule so that it can be cut into sections and examined under a microscope to look for any evidence of invasion of normal thyroid tissue or blood vessels.

So, I will have to have at least my right thyroid lobe (and the neoplasm) out after the twins are born. They will test it that day to see if its cancerous, if it is, then I will have the left lobe out the following day. Recovery is one day in the hospital. But if it is cancerous, about 5 weeks later I will have to take this radioactive iodine pill and be isolated from other human beings (lest I radiate them) for about 5 days.

1) I want to have this done during this plan year before my insurance deductible starts over ($3K, ouch!) and 2) how freaking hard would it be to be away from your 3-4 month old babies for 5 days, and to be alone in a cabin in the woods or wherever they send you when this happens? But I have to have it out, I can't just pretend I might not have cancer. That would be stupid. Then it might spread. In the meantime, I have too many other things to worry about. I plan to schedule the surgery for mid-July. But we'll play it by ear.

***

I had a totally craptastic ending to my day yesterday that I had to then obsess about all night. One thing about me, is that if there is conflict in my life, I will dwell on every word of every conversation, keep myself up all night, pray to God to let me let go, and still obsess for a day or two before I can move on. Here's the story:

I was working at one of our other stores in town, because one of their employees quit with no notice. So, I was helping another employee learn that job. Since I was near another one of our stores, I stopped by to help them with some issues. B. (the bad guy in this story) had also called my cell phone several times, and then my cell phone died. He had left messages, but he is super impatient and continued to call, even before I had time to return his previous call.

So, when I got there, I went directly in to help the first person who had called.
When I had finished with her, I stopped by to chat with another friend for a
minute. B. approached me from down the hall, and I apologized that I had
not called him back and explained that my cell phone had died. He said there was no rush, I told him we were done, and I proceeded to walk down the hall with him.

As we were walking down the hall, I noticed his attire. He was wearing jeans, a blue shirt that I don’t think had a collar, a shaggy beard, and baseball cap with hair sticking out from it. I made a joking comment that he looked kinda like a dirtbag today. We continued down the hall joking and talking.

When we got to the his department, I helped one of his people with a question she had been asking about me earlier in the day, but my phone had died twice during our conversations. (Seriously need a new phone!) Then, I answered a question for him which involved calling our Controller and figuring out a plan that would work for both of them. And finally he asked me a question about how the system would handle reordering a part. He didn’t seem to like my answer to that question, so I said, “You seem upset.”

He turned to me and visibly shaking raised his voice to me about how I had called him a dirtbag, how it was totally disrespectful, how I have a quick tongue and he’s not going to put up with that, he won’t be talked to that way, etc. etc. etc. All of this at least 10 minutes after the comment was made, and as his entire department listened. I apologized profusely, explaining that I was joking, I didn’t mean it, I was glad he told me, that I was so sorry. When that didn't work, I asked him to PLEASE accept my apology. But, he didn’t seem to be losing steam, so I finally
just said I was going to go, and quickly grabbed my purse and left the building
without saying goodbye to anyone.

The entire drive back to my office, I was shaken and tried to figure out where I went wrong. He and I had joked during our past 6 months working together on his computer conversion, and I thought we had a joking relationship. He had teased me about things in the past, so this was not out of character. However, I know that he and his staff can be negative about the new system and that this had worn on me during that week I spent over there after their conversion. I’m sure I was not always the softest in explaining my position, especially after they had argued with me, or personally attacked me about the system. But I always remained civil and helpful.

Ok, so a manager at our company should never berate anyone like that in front of others. If he was really mad, he should have taken me aside out of earshot of the others. Let alone that I work at the corporate office, not for him, and that I'm not his peer, I'm his superior in all ways. Add to that, that its not even my freaking job to help him at all, but that I was doing so out of the goodness of my heart. And my willingness to be a team player. My banter about his attire was totally appropriate - what kind of a leader dresses that way? And was also an attempt to be collegial with someone I find it difficult to stomach. I was really, really trying to be friendly. Really.

So, in the meantime, I told the President about this incident. I find this best, so he doesn't hear about the story from someone else, I always think its better to have your version out there first. He thought my comment was funny, and something else must be going on in B's life. I keep expecting an apology phone call from B. but its 9:40 and the phone has not rung yet.

My approach to him or anyone on his staff who calls me from now on is to refer them to someone else. Um, wow, that's a tough one, I'm going to have to refer you to IT. Passive-agressive, I know, but self-preservation is all I really care about at this point. I spent the night obsessing about this conversation and I really have better things to do with my time. And don't think the emotional turmoil is worthwhile. Seriously, he freaked out over nothing, picking on a poor innocent pregnant girl.

Last point, then I'm going to stop venting about this. I H.A.T.E.D. working with them after their conversion. They were very negative and hard on me, and argued with me. So, I quit them before my week of post-conversion support was over, preferring to work in my office. But when I left, I didn't see the point in causing conflict, so I just told them they were doing well and I didn't think they needed me anymore. But what I meant in my heart was you have worn me out. I cannot take all this abuse anymore. And you don't really have questions, you just want a punching bag. So, after I bit my tongue all that time, and try to take the high road, he dumps this bs on me the day before Christmas. He sucks. And should be ashamed. And I am totally never taking his calls again.

Oh, and I am SO glad I am taking the next week off. I definitely need a break!

Relativity

Girls Night @ my house last night was a wonderful success. Am I exhausted today? Of course. that's what happens when you're 22 weeks pregnant with twins and you stay up eating sweets and dishing until after 1am. Any party that goes that late is fabulous, right?

These women are real, and entertaining, and a true blessing to me (even though I don't see or talk to most of them outside of our girls night). I always feel so lucky that I can send out an invitation and they'll come over.

Because they are real, they talk about real issues, and last night we were talking about parents. One of the girls, her MIL was my first belly toucher - back at 6 weeks when it was super creepy. She has mental health issues that endanger her well being. Another one's mother had lap band surgery and didn't tell anyone in the family. She's addicted to narcotic prescriptions and sleeps all day, every day.

So, relatively speaking, my own parent issues aren't that bad. But it is all relative. And I feel so let down by my parents. And I think that all of our dreams and thoughts about the kind of parents we would like to be are bringing this to a head for me right now. I've already shared my daddy issues. And right now I'm struggling with my feelings about my mother.

My mother divorced my father when I was two because he cheated. She didn't try to work it out. She found out he cheated, and the next day there was a for sale sign in our yard. That was her choice. So, for a long time, it was just me and her. She had this boyfriend, G., who I disliked, but she dumped him when she met my step father.

My Step Father has addictive personality disorder, and before this manifested itself in alcoholism, he was always rushing from one hobby to the next, and she followed. This ranged from airplanes to sprint cars to bowling. And by addictive, I mean manic. So, for bowling, it was Sunday night mixed doubles, Monday night women's league, Tuesday night men's league, and 9-pin tournaments on Friday and Saturday nights. My parents literally lived at the bowling alley for several years. So much so that I refuse to bowl today.

When they were off pursuing his many hobbies, I was usually home, alone. My step-siblings lived with their mother. I was an only child. We lived in the country, so I was isolated. I had lived in town, with my mother, and had this idyllic life with her. And now I lived alone in the country.

When I was a junior in college, my step father had a psychotic break from an old Vietnam war memory. He quit his job as a research and development engineer and bought a bar. He began drinking heavily. By the time I had met my husband, my step dad had drank away the bar, been in several alcohol-related incidents injuring himself but thankfully not others, and decided that his new obsession would be building a cabin for them in Wyoming.

So, they moved out west, and built their cabin. She thought this was the only way he could stop drinking - by running away from his 'friends' at the bar. Obviously, running away never solves anything. At my wedding, my parents broke into the bar before noon, and I had to ask my step-brothers to escort their father upstairs to his room when he could no longer stand or form sentences. Unfortunately, this was the way all of our weddings went. At my little brother's wedding a few year's later, my step father kept drinking vodka straight. Every time I caught him, I would throw it away. He got angry, and I bawled like an idiot asking How could you do this to us? How could you do this to my mother? confronting him on the bs he had pulled since they moved, him denying it, and my mother quietly confirming my version of events. I understand this was not helpful to him, and in no way would ever force him to go back to treatment, but it definitely made me feel better - she actually didn't cover for him for once. And he had to face the crap that he either doesn't remember because he blacks out, or she allows him to deny because she wants to avoid conflict.

They have no money. My mother says she 'retired' but she was like 48 and had no savings. They live off of his social security (he's older). He still drinks heavily, even though he's been to rehab. He lives about 2 hours from the closest VA hospital, so he doesn't get the counseling he needs for his PTSD (for which he also gets money as a military disability). They are isolated from the family so they hide their problems - money, alcohol, depression, etc. And they are super defensive if you try to ask them about any of this, or offer help in the form of money, etc. When I saw them the week before Thanksigiving during an impromtu girls trip with my sister where we met the whole family mid-way, I discovered my step father had wrecked their new vehicle, and that they weren't going to come home for Christmas because they had to come up with a bunch of money to pay it off, because it was being totaled by the insurance company and so they had to pay off their loan, and they were upside down on their loan.

Obviously, her life is complicated. She has an alcoholic husband. She can never have anything nice. So, when she's worried about money, she sits in her cabin chain smoking and as she calls it 'retreating from reality' into books she gets from a free book exchange at the senior center.

This is not the life I would want for my mother. So, I am sad for her. I am disappointed that she enables him. I worry what her life will be like with him, and I know how much she loves him, so I worry about how unhappy she would be if she left him, or if he finally does kill himself in one of his drunken stupors. And I am angry that she is not stronger. She was a strong, independent, single mother. She took great care of me when I was younger. I think about how she left my father after one incident without blinking, she just kicked him out. And I contrast that with now, stuck with a man who is sick. And I'm indignant that Christmas with the family does not mean more to her. I myself would go into credit card debt if it meant I could be home. Christmas is meaningless to me, without my family.

I am grateful to have my step-siblings. We all talk daily to at least one of the others in the group. And as the holidays approach, those calls become more frequent. They help me to understand the situation from their perspective - it is their father with the drinking problem. We vascillate between poking fun at his antics, to worry, to anger, to fear. I wonder how we all turned out so healthy and balanced, and why it is that we all make better choices. How did we all evolve from that home? How do we have so little in common with our parents? And ultimately, why do we have to be the adults in this relationship?

I almost offered to pay my mother's way home this year. We did this last year for them. But they are too proud to let it happen again. So, we will miss out on them. We kids will be together, because this is important to us, and our parents will be alone in a cabin on a mountain. My sister gets so mad, she says Christmas is kind of a predictable expense. It happens at the same time every year. She says a lot of other things, but that one has been stuck in my brain since we drove back from this last visit together. She has a point. And our parents kind of suck. I'm sad. And I want to be angry. Because pity means they are weak, but I'm mad, because I know my mother is stronger than this. And I'm mad at him for taking her away from me with all of his addictions, not just the alcohol. And at the same time, I'm grateful she married him, because I love my siblings, and my life would be so empty without them.

I don't know why I had to get this off my chest. Maybe because I just watched Intervention. Maybe because I for sure don't want to repeat this with my kids. But mostly, I think that lately, I've been kind of feeling sorry for myself that BOTH of my parents are such colossal disappointments. I turned out okay, and I'm in no means a charity case. I always had food. I always had clothes. They each helped pay for my undergraduate degree. But they each fell short of my expectations of what parents should and could be. And as an adult, I feel like there is a void in my life, where a parental unit should be.

Benign!

First things first. Surgeon's office called this morning and reported that the growth on my thyroid is benign! Whew! Yay! Whopee! Wahoo! Etc! Etc! Etc! So, now, I can just focus on the twins, worrying about pre-term labor, the economy, our crappy garage door, but NOT dying! So happy and grateful and did I mention happy?

***

Had a rough day yesterday. As I was backing out of the garage on my way to work, I backed into the garage door. Not by any fault of my own. It had stopped about 6 inches shy of the top, which was above my field of view out my back window, but low enough to scrape the back window cleaner dispenser off the roof and buckle the metal.

I immediately cried. Which is not my normal response. But I was frustrated. And I'm pregnant. So, I go downstairs, crying, to find DH completely buck a** naked, getting ready to get in the shower, and tell him I ran into the garage and I need his help to get my car out. He of course fears the worst. But it isn't that bad, really. So, after we assess the damage and he climbs on my SUV to retrieve the now torn off wiper fluid dispenser, he holds the door up so I can get out.

I drove straight to the auto body shop, knowing full well that if I went to work, that I would imagine grossly higher dollar amounts and fume about my car, so for the sake of productivity, I got the estimate out of the way first. And ended up being about 5 minutes behind everyone else in the office. So, not truly that late.

The garage door is legitimately f'd. Apparently, the strong winds from the night before pushed the door of the hinges and tore the metal. I think the door is a piece of crap anyway, but still, this blows. DH rigged the door so it works for now. Will be $120 to fix my beloved, and yet somehow cursed car. Will be about $1,000 to replace the garage door. Undecided as to whether we fix it now, while we have the money in savings, or put that off, until a later date, when we may possibly be even more strapped because we're paying $400/week in daycare. So, we're torn. But in the meantime, my handy husband has got it working good enough that our cars can be parked inside and I don't have to worry about water damage while we wait for the auto body place to get the parts they have ordered for me.

Funniest part of the entire dramatic tragedy is that what DH remembers most from yesterday morning is that he hugged me when he was completely naked. Which was the highlight of his day, and which I have apparently repressed. A sad commentary on the state of our love life during pregnancy, which we both found hilarious last night.

***

I baked like crazy until after 10pm last night, not because I had to, but because I had a lot of energy and it seemed like the right thing to do. Tonight, I am in a hotel room in KC all by myself and thinking of going to bed in 5 minutes, which would be 8:30pm. Pregnancy is doing some crazy things to my energy level.

Also, I bought snow boots for myself today. Actually, for the twins. I haven't actually worn snow boots since elementary school. I normally just suffer through with wet feet (yes, even four years of living in college on a pedestrian campus in Minnesota did not tempt me to wear boots!), but what with my obsessive fear of falling during pregnancy, the reassurance of snowboots versus totally slick-bottomed flats seemed like a good use of money. I'm such a mom!

My Own Saturday

Today is Saturday. I woke up early this morning to put my cheesy potatoes in the oven. Brushed my teeth. Paid bills. Balanced the checkbook. And then got ready for my boss's annual Christmas Brunch. It was a lovely event, filled with special women who are so kind and so funny. It was a great start to the day.

After that, I drove past the mall, and then re-thought returning the cyrstal bank I received for the boys last week. Not because I've decided to keep it. No, it was the fact that people were parking in the farthest out parking lots, oh, and the lovely sign courtesy of the Wichita PD which was flashing Lock Your Car, Take Your Keys, Hide your Items. I guess that after reading that I kind of thought I'd be asking to be robbed if I went inside. So, I drove back toward my house and found myself at Hobby Lobby.

Can I just tell you how much I love this store? Absolute retail therapy for me. And why? Because decorations and housewares are always the right size, and never ever make you feel fat! I was inspired by the decor at my boss's home, and decided to jazz up my mantel just a tish more before my Girls Night In this next weekend. So, ta-da!


I had purchased the mirror and hurricane lamps last weekend, and the Santa was a gift. So, really, just the greenery was purchased today. And the picture does not do it justice. I'm sitting here just beaming at it. L.O.V.E. it!

After the decorating frenzy, I started my Christmas baking. So far, I haven't gotten much done because 1) I can't wash dishes because I can hardly reach the faucet at the sink (silly babies are in the way!) so I have to run the dishwasher after every recipe; and 2) I can't stand for too long or my feet hurt; and 3) I can't sit at the table too long or my back hurts. So, basically all I've got so far is one batch of banana bread, another batch of those Ritz Cracker / Peanut Butter sandwiches coated in chocolate almond bark, and some oreo truffles in the fridge waiting for their very own chocolate bath. My goal for tomorrow is to make up the rest of the dough for the party, even if I don't do any baking until Thursday night. I'm worried the cookies would get dried out by next weekend.

And if I wasn't busy enough, I have my final work trip out of town before I'm grounded by my OB this week, so I'll be in Kansas City two nights this week. Maybe I'll get up and start melting some chocolate now. Although...I must admit....I'd really rather go back to Hobby Lobby and buy some more stuff for my tree.....

Oh, and the whole point of this post. All day I've been thinking Next year, this won't be so easy. T. would have to stay home with the boys so I could go to the brunch. How could I ever do all this baking with two infants? Etc. Etc. Etc. So, trying to enjoy this freedom while it lasts.

Biopsy Day

So, I had my thyroid biopsy today. DH was there waiting for me, which is a big deal, because he's usually 10 minutes late to everything. He knew this was a super big deal. I have been in denial about it for so many weeks, so it kind of snuck up on me.

So, I really liked the surgeon, Dr. L. He was personable and funny and kind and considerate. I had DH sitting on the exam table, and I sat in the extra chair, because sitting up without any back support just kills my back. So, it threw everyone off. But I was happy.

Before he started the biopsy, Dr. L explained how the procedure would go, that he wanted me to come back in a week no matter what, and that they would call with the results before then. He also said that any treatment would wait until after the twins were born. Unless the results were really weird. And that made me happy, because if he recommended surgery, I was going to need a lot of reassurance that it wouldn't hurt the boys in any way.

The biopsy itself was uncomfortable and a little painful, but it only lasted about 5 minutes. He took a couple samples, but was concerned about my discomfort on the table (sensitive, huh?). I think the worst was when they numbed my neck, which burned like a MF.

I came home from the appointment, ate two Beef Chalupa Supreme, drank one 6 ounce Coke, and one small chocolate shake, and have been watching the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II. I'm also answering work emails, but I am focusing on me for a few hours. I feel lame, because the procedure was not that bad, but I just didn't feel like going back to work. I think because of the pregnancy I am trying to be easier on my self than I normally would. Current condition is swollen neck, a little soreness, but otherwise just normal.

Work was a b*tch today. Still working on site supporting this division that just converted to a new computer system, but the new users' complaining and whining finally got to me. So, I had had it with them. And decided not to go back today or tomorrow. They can call me or IT. But I've had it with them. Do they not realize this is NOT my job? That I did not design or purchase this system? That I'm just volunteering to help them, in addition to my regular duties? Anyway, I was way over it. Yes, I'm grateful to have a job, and I want to be a team player, but my emotional well being is more important than those wackjobs using me for a target for their constant complaints.

***

In other news, I had asked the NP yesterday at my OB appointment (OB was unavailable due to 3 deliveries yesterday) why Dr C had moved my gestation to 35 weeks - if they were concerned about my health, the health of the twins, etc. She said she thought that since the babies were so large that my body would decide to evict the boys and so I would go into premature labor. So, I have a bunch of questions about what I can do to prevent that when I see my OB on the 24th, but in the meantime, Dr Google has me taking better care of myself (hence coming home after the appointment), drinking more water, and back on my iron supplement. I'm not sure what else I can do. But for now, at least, I feel like I have at least some part in keeping those two in there as long as possible.

Whirlwind

So, the bad news first. My company is losing money in some markets - not all. So, they are cutting back training. And, as my job is to coordinate all training and development for the entire company, my workload is being cut back substantially. And this, after I just finished up a 3-year project that had forced me to do my actual job half-assed all this time. I was really looking forward to doing MY job, and doing a much better job than I've been able to for SO long. And literally the day my schedule opens up - yes, THEE day! - they cancel three of my four big events.

I agree with their decision. We are laying people off. And the money savings could spare a few people their jobs. I get it. I agree. But in the meantime, I still have to fill my workday. And so, now I will be stuck doing crappy IT projects that I (you pick your favorite here: abhor, detest, fucking hate!) and so I want to pout. I DON'T WANT TO! Now, I should be happy to have a job, but why, out of 500+ people in the company am I the only one to have her work just ripped out beneath her feet? Of course, I have a million other things I COULD do during this time, but a real team player would help IT because I can translate for them to operations and accounting, and because they're always behind, and because I'm uniquely qualified to do so. But did I mention I don't want to?

So, pouting here at home. And have already been delegated two crappy IT projects, plus the one I had promised to help them finish up even though I was supposed to officially 'retire' from IT on Monday. Poor me!

***

We *almost* had our first foster placement tonight. We have had two offers before, but had to turn them down because my work schedule made me out of town, or they didn't have daycare and I had to work. But today, it was a 16-month old girl, L., who was being taken from her teenage mother, who is currently living in a residential teen mother home in the area. Apparently, L's mother has been skipping school, so the judge was going to take L away for a few days to teach her a lesson. But in court today, the judge decided the absenteeism isn't as bad as first thought and so mother and child get to stay together. I am happy for the child, because it would have been SO traumatic for this little one to come to stay with us, this little one who according to our worker had never been away from her mother. And its not like she's a bad mom, just truant. So, I'm relieved for the child, but I will admit it was a letdown. I was excited that we were going to have a little one in the house, and that were finally going to get a chance to help.

***

The best news ever is that I for sure am feeling the twins move now, sometimes. Last night, I was on the couch and thinking I felt kicks, so I put the remote on my belly (trick my friend K recommended). And I could see it move when I felt a kick. What's more - DH could see it move. So after a few kicks, I took it off, and I could see my skin bounce when I felt a kick. After the worry about my job, and having to do crappy IT jobs, it was very emotional for me to be reminded of what really matters, and to focus on my boys for awhile. And it was particularly powerful because my husband was the first to notice the remote move, and so special that we could share that moment.

***

Have regular OB appointment tomorrow, and biopsy on my goiter on Thursday. Probably will be at least a week before we get the results back, so still not focusing on the 'C' word, but its looming....

(20w 5d)

Halfway (or more!)

I should not be doing this. I should not be updating my blog from work. But yet here I am. Totally unmotivated to do any actual work. And I really have nothing to post.

We hit the 20 week mark yesterday. So, I'm halfway (probably more than halfway, since our OB thinks I'll deliver at 35 wks, but I'm trying not to think of that). I *think* I may be feeling the twins move. Sometimes. But its not consistent or regular. I definitely feel my back acheing at night when I lay in bed. And I have decided that I never really had a cold. It is pregnancy causing my stuffy nose and extra fluid to come out of my nose. Not complaining! Just sharing.

Here's the greatest hardship of pregnancy right now - I have an especially difficult time eating at a table. I need to lean forward not to spill on myself. And then I feel pinches in my belly. So, I have to lean back. So, I prefer to eat reclining in my bed at home. Probably not the best for my social life! Again, not complaining.

And while I can tie my shoes today, it is painful and unlikely to continue for much longer.

We have our work Christmas party tonight. And then are supposed to meet some friends to celebrate their anniversary downtown. I'm not sure I can do it. I'm tired already. And its cold outside, so I would much rather cuddle up on the couch with my DH and watch some Boston Legal on Netflix (we're just starting season 4). Yes, I am a total homebody.

Tomorrow, my goal is to do some major shopping and wrapping. Shopping for others? Heck no. Shopping for mantel decorations for my house. I have this vision of what it will look like, but cannot find the exact pieces I need. It's a mission.

I have to work on Sunday. Boo! One of the few times in my career I will ever be required to do so, but every little thing seems like an undue burden these days. Thankfully, this is the last. Anyway, I keep thinking about having to work that day, and so I allow myself to feel even greater stress, because I won't be able to do whatever I want that day. I will have to pack it all into Saturday. I crossed a couple of errands off my list today at lunch, but still, I'm kind of obsessed with the rest of my list, so I will probably overdo it and then collapse tomorrow night.

Told you I had nothing to post! Guess I'd better get some work done. But not because I want to!

Belly Shots

And just because I'm out of town and have a hard time sleeping in strange hotels, I will share the following. I can't promise I won't have second thoughts and delete this tomorrow, but for tonight....I give you....belly shots!

19 weeks 5 days

No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth. I have just been focused on my husband and not all the other distractions of life for the past few days. And it has been absolutely heavenly, I must say.

We had our getaway this weekend. Chose totally overpriced hotel room, to spoil my husband who was not having anything less - even though we normally cruise by in the safest, cheapest place available (i.e. Motel 6). But I forgave him right away because my fabulous Hilton points from all my work travel, apparently make me a preferred guest, and we were upgraded to a condo with such fabulous amenities as a fountain-view balcony, two flat panel tv's, a two person shower, and very large jet tub! Thank you, Hilton.

For some reason, this little getaway has somehow made the pregnancy more real. Like somehow connecting with my husband allowed me to slow down and to dream about our life as parents. I find myself wondering more about how they will be, and who they will be. I think before I thought about the pregnancy in more abstract terms, or even in more to-do list terms like must complete pre-registration, must decide on names, must register for bedding. Whereas now, I am almost awed by the enormity of the fact that there are two little people living inside me. Wow.

I am out of town for work tonight, but DH read to me over the phone a letter we received today from our RE. It made me tear up, it was so heartfelt and so sweet. She was thanking us for the note and cookies we brought her and the other staff last week. And telling us what great parents we will be, and how much she has enjoyed knowing us, and how much she looks forward to meeting the boys. I'm tearing up just thinking that she wrote these things to us. I cannot believe it worked. I cannot believe we are pregnant. I really, truly, with all my heart, had given up. I never thought we would be here.

And so it seems significant that I'm feeling this way, sitting in a hotel room in Garden City, KS. The same hotel where I wrote on my blog back on Mother's Day. The same road trip that I decided DH and I should pursue foster parenting. We are licensed now, waiting for our first placement. And we're expecting twin boys. It's really ironic or poignant or some other word I don't have right now. It's really something to be here geographically and figuratively.

***

In daycare news, DH's Aunt said she would watch the boys EVERY DAY for us this summer, except the four weeks she has summer school, but I think that's too much. I'm going to continue to look for other providers, but know she is a backup.

My visit to LPA on Friday was fine. A very clean environment, and peaceful. But I definitely need to keep looking. As I told DH, I wasn't overwhelmed with a sense that this was the right place. It was okay, but I need to feel it in my gut. Plus, it would be nice if I didn't have to sell my plasma to cover the charges.

My goal for the rest of this week is to call the centers I didn't get called last week, and to recall all the ones I did call to see if they offer a part time rate. But I have a big project that's wrapping up at work this week, so I'll be lucky if I can find the time.