in the beginning...

In the beginning...my husband and I thought we would wait until we were "ready" to have kids. I remember the excitement as the date approached for us to go off the pill. I had my annual. I bought an ovulation predictor kit. And we tried to conceive at the right time, every month, for 5 straight months. And every month, I became more depressed and concerned that things weren't right. As my plan year for my flexible spending account was ending, I had some extra money to use up, so I bought a fertility prediction kit from Walgreen's. My husband flunked it.

So, he went to our GP and began a series of tests of his testosterone and SA's. His little swimmers were a sad lot. I imagine two or three drunk, deformed sperm accidentally bumping into each other in a petri dish. Poor guys! The ones that weren't already dead were misshapen, and they couldn't swim. And his testosterone was low. He had a varicocele that was surgically removed. And his counts went up, but not enough. He also was on Clomid for awhile. Yes, he, not me. This was supposed to raise his testosterone, and it did, but again, not enough. So a couple years after we started to get PG, we were finally referred to an RE.

We started our first IVF cycle in September of 2007. I had scheduled my work around this for months and knew it would be physically and emotionally demanding. I had no idea that there would be any problem with me! All of the tests we'd had indicated that I was fine. I ovulated every month, I had no blockages or internal problems in my tubes, ovaries, or uterus. But I didn't respond to the meds with enough follicles to proceed with that cycle, so we cancelled it a few days before ER.

We were devastated. I was tyring to convince myself to stay optimistic, but cautious, so I thought I had guarded myself against being totally emotionally invested in that process. But I was. And it hurt to have to decide not to proceed, but to start again.

Last month, we had our first complete IUI cycle. And a BFN. Today, we are 2dpiui #2. Almost had to cancel this cycle, because I was "too fertile" meaning I had 6 follicles, so they were concerned about multiples. But seriously, when you get 4 years into this, you kind of decide you're barren and there could be 50 eggs in there and you still wouldn't get pregnant.

I may live to regret that decision and be faced with a reduction, but for now, I am again cautiously optimistic that we will conceive this cycle and in about two weeks I'll be staring down at a BFP!!!

Right now, I don't have many symptoms. I have some light cramping, and tenderness in my lower abdomen. I'm trying to find other ways to occupy my time - other than checking for breast tenderness, color on my panties, etc. etc. etc. I'm kind of getting tired of feeling ill all the time. Fertility meds, ovulation, and progresterone supplements have all been kind of kicking my a** for the past six months or so. But I know it will all be over soon enough.

For the future, I would try one more IUI after this, go back to IVF in July and then October. If we do not conceive after two IVF cycles, then I think we should move on to adoption. So, I have until November to prove I can do this. Otherwise, it will be time to move on.