Saturday, March 29, 2008

How do I know what's going on in there?


Well, I have no idea what's going on inside of me. I feel this way every month. People always ask, which is kind, and all I can say is, I feel fine. I feel normal. A little crampy, but maybe that's gas. Oh wait, is gas a symptom? My boobs hurt, but that happens this time of the month anyway. My abdomen is a lot less sensitive, which has me paranoid that perhaps all that tenderness was ovulation, and what if I'm not reacting to the Ovidrel like I should, and perhaps I ovulated too late, after all the sperm they put in there had already died or floated away. Perhaps my biggest frustration in this whole thing is not knowing what's going on with my own body.

Yesterday, in a one-on-one meeting with the President of our company, I told him I hadn't booked my flights to Houston next month yet because I may have some medical stuff to move around. He knows all about our situation, and so asked what was going on with that. I asked him how much he wanted to know. He replied that he wants to know good news and he's rooting for us, and he's not sure what to ask. Very sweet for him, I know he has a hard time asking people personal questions, and so very much appreciated by me. So, I told him 'we might be' we had a 'procedure' a week or so ago, and I would let him know. I'm constantly amazed by the love of the people around me and their concern for us during this time. We are surrounded by truly amazing people. And are so blessed to have their love and support.

This morning, I volunteered with our local Habitat for Humanity women's build which was a fabulous way to spend my Saturday morning, though I had a hard time getting out of bed. One woman in our group had a sinus headache and had to stay home, and we were all thinking we should have thought of that! But once we got started, the morning flew by and I came away feeling like I had at least done something constructive with my day. Not a huge deal, but something.

I'm trying to decide when I will take my first HPT. Last month, I caved and took one on day 12. Now some people may not say that is caving, but to me, I didn't wait the full 15 days, so I was just getting ahead of myself. My dear friend had a miscarriage this past week, so I am going to visit her this coming weekend, for her birthday. And the actual day of her birthday is my scheduled HPT. So, I think I'm going to move it up just one day to take at home with DH before I leave for the weekend. Will be awkward to be consoling her if I have a BFP, but I'm only cautiously optimistic and so will assume am not PG and we can just drink our infertile sorrows away together after my BFN. But who knows?! Maybe this will be my month.

And although that is a logical plan, I know that I have three HPT's under the sink in there, so I could take one tomorrow, and two more times before I leave. It seems wasteful. They're not free. I should at least wait until Tuesday, right? It's just a huge temptation, and I'm not patient, so I think about 'when will I test?' during the entire 2WW.

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