New Post

New Post. New Post. Could not think of a better title than New Post.

I wanted to write about time. Because I've been thinking a lot lately about time and perspective.

DH and I had the "adoption" talk at lunch on Sunday. I had been surfing adoption sights on Saturday night, and wondering where he stood. I mean, we talked about it before any treatments, but I wondered whether or not we still felt the same. After a great chat, we are on the same page. And although I sometimes feel like we've been doing this forever, we calculated that we're right at three years since going off the pill. Somehow I had exaggerated that to 5. And he pointed out that we've really only completed two IUI's. I mean, that's nothing, right? That's child's play compared to the rest of my blogging friends. Beginners, really. So, really, only 3 years so far. From going off the pill to finding out DH had MF - 5 months. From diagnosis of varicocele to surgery, a couple more months. From varicocele surgery to RE, one year. Darn those 120 day sperm cycles! From RE to IVF, 6 months. From cancelled IVF to today, 6 months. Maybe it seems so long, because you don't experience it in months, but in two-week increments. (not an original thought, I totally read that on someone else's blog - you might be infertile if...you count your life in 2W increments...but I totally agree and can relate!)

And you're always waiting for something. Ovulation. A test. AF. Results. An appointment. CD3. Whatever. Just always waiting. Two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks.

And to keep from becoming "one of those people" who only thinks and talks about their IF, I thought I was being healthy trying to enjoy the things I wouldn't be able to do when I was cycling or pregnant. So, I would look forward to adult beverages (okay, lots of adult beverages) or a spontaneous trip I couldn't take if we had kids. But even that isn't working anymore. Because yes, I love the new Pomegranate Fusion Smirnoff Ice, and of course, I will take your extra ticket to that outdoor concert where we can camp out and I won't have to worry about driving home so I can pass out in a chair with people I don't know. Of course! But I would rather take my child to the zoo. I would rather fall asleep in a rocking chair in my house with my baby in my arms. I don't want the college life anymore. And I don't want the young, adult professional life anymore. I want the Parents of Young Children life with the sleep deprivation and the kid throwing the fit in the grocery store aisle and the spelling list and the every vacation about the kids. So, my consolation prize isn't that consoling anymore. I'm kind of over it. Doesn't that mean I'm ready and that NOW is the right time?

So, DH and I decided to try this June IVF cycle. And talk after that about another IVF or perhaps going back to IUI. In the meantime, we will learn and begin everything we can about adoption without spending more than a few hundred dollars. In the end, if we don't adopt, we will certainly know more about it. And if we do, then we'll be that much further ahead in the process. One plus, we both agree that because of our non-traditional families today (lots of divorce, remarriage, step and half siblings) that we are in a unique position to love and care for an adopted child. I don't feel 'called' to adopt at this time, but I'm feeling a crack open in my heart and my brain to start listening if that's our purpose.

***

In less depressing news, I went for a walk today at lunch. This is one of my favorite spring time traditions. It's a 45- minute loop around my neighborhood, and it totally gives me more energy all afternoon and evening. I may only have one more week before I go on the pill for our June IVF cycle, so I need to enjoy all the non-nauseas / crazy bitch days that I can. And today, at lunch, I practiced being "present" on my walk. I was at peace because I was doing everything that I could at that moment to be a healthy vessel for our child. Very powerful.

progress, progress ... everywhere

So, today was an eventful day. I have two projects which I feel need completed at our home for us to enjoy it completely, and before we could sell it - we need a mantel for our fireplace and a front sidewalk. The mantel, we tore down at least 3 years ago and then never had a new one built. The sidewalk was ripped up two years ago when we had our yard re-graded to drain AWAY from the house. This whole drainage idea is apparently a novel concept that eluded the planners of our development in the 70s. But I digress.

These projects have been on hold as my husband works 24/7/365 and I have traveled 5 out of 7 days of every week (except while stimming!) of the past year. DH certainly wasn't going to call a contractor. But today, it all came together. The mantel will be installed tomorrow, sanded, stained, sanded again, and sealed by Sunday. And the sidewalk will be in tomorrow. In fact, the grass has already been dug up where the sidewalk will be. And we even have enough money in savings to pay for it all. Woo-hoo!

In other progress news, my mood has lightened. The sun is shining. The temp is up. And I may finally be over my winter 'funk'. I have more energy. I took time for relationship building, not just task completion at work. I read an email forward that was a joke, instead of instantly deleteing it and scoffing at the sender in my head for insulting me with the insinuation that I had time for 'fun'. I have hours of Tivo recorded, but I don't feel like watching t.v. I even wrote my grandpa a letter this evening. It's like I'm on meth.

So, is it Spring? Is the change in temperature and daylight hours the cause for my spirits being lifted? Is it the inspirational speech I heard at breakfast downtown or the time management class I hosted yesterday?

I'm more than a little afraid its the month sans cycle. Or maybe just my hormones kind of balancing out after the badmington tournament I've been playing in there with suppression, no stim!, now suppression!

And lastly, for progress sake, I have resigned myself that our next cycle will be IVF, not IUI. We have this money in a flexible savings account that will just magically 'go away' on August 31 if we don't spend it. Even if I didn't have cysts and I could run 4 IUI's back to back, it wouldn't nearly be enough to use up that money by the deadline. So, it's the first time in our four years of IF that I'm making a choice solely based on the financial aspect. Not how I feel, not what I want, not my level of optimism or the doctor's recommendations. Just pure money. If I don't spend it, I'll lose it. The rub is that for me, IUI's are so much faster and easier and less emotionally invasive and involved. But, just by writing this out and owning it, I feel better, like some emotional progress is being made, and I'm confident this is the best financial decision. And who knows?! It might even work!

Yoga? ...Eh, not so much

So, last week, I bought Yoga 4 Fertility on Amazon. It arrived at work today, and I rushed home to try it out. Gee, do you think that was a precursor? RUSHING home to do YOGA????

So, as you may have already guessed, this yoga DVD is SO not me.

Exhibit A: I am currently watching Dr. Phil, worrying that the dog may be eating grass outside, or perhaps her poo, writing this blog, thinking about what I want for dinner, eyeing the battery strength on my laptop. I walk, type, and do everything a million miles a minute and all at the same time. I'm quite efficient this way. My boss once gave me a cartoon of this woman interviewing for a job and she says, "I can do the work of two men, but I'd have to slow down." And she got this for me, well, because it's true. I already do the work of several men in my office, plus my own job. That's how I roll.

But yoga, sheesh, yoga is for napping. Yoga is apparently like listening to a very long, very boring story that you've heard 50 times already. In fact, in the beginning of this video, the lady freaking teaches you how to breathe and you sound exactly like you're snoring. I'm not even this slow in my sleep!!! After about 20 minutes in the exact same pose, I stopped watching and hit fast forward. I was bored with everything below 20X.

Now, some of you may be saying this is my problem. I can't slow down, can't breathe, can't BE PRESENT! Okay, I know this. You're right. I cannot be present. I'm fine with that. I worry a little that this is contributing to our IF, but I'm going to let that little thought go and not obsess about how obsessions and multi-tasking are causing me not to have a baby, which causes me to obsess about IF all the time. No, I'm just going to sell this stupid DVD and get it out of my eyesight - just one more thing I've failed at. I can't even do yoga!

But back to being present. I've been reading A New Earth and doing the workbooks online with Oprah. And I am aware of the voice in the head, the one that kept me up last night obsessing about one sentence I said to one friend at church, and worrying that what I said was wrong or hurtful and thinking up a pretend conversation with that friend, or worrying that I should call. Seriously, if it is not one thing, it is totally another. Just this record player in my head, which records every word I say and analyzes every other person's response, or analyzes every word a nurse says for innuendo or some clue as to whether their clinical information is positive or negative. Obsess! Obsess! Obsess!

Yoga may not be the answer, but I definitely need to find some relaxation technique. I was awake on and off all night last night, with that stupid conversation and a million other crazy thoughts. Just replaying conversations, or trying to remember to do something when I got to work. How can I shut down my brain and that voice? Ambien. I should probably go see Dr. Drug Pusher and get some Ambien.

No more yoga. I will have to find another way to relax. Ambien might be nice. But I've got Bud Lite in the fridge, so for now, I think I've got a plan. Self medicate. Probably not as healthy as yoga, but more my style, that's for sure. Cheers!