9 1/2 Weeks or 4 Pounds

9 1/2 Weeks. That's how much more we can expect of sleepless nights, give or take. DH is counting down in pounds. He estimates we've got about 4 more to go before the boys can eat enough to keep themselves satiated through the night. Not that I'm counting, but we're looking at something around July 10. Holy crap, that seems like FOREVER!

When I was mentally preparing for the reality of life with newborn twins, and was trying to think what the greatest challenge would be, I imagined the crying. In my imagination, it wasn't day or night, it was just inconsolable crying. Which hasn't been the case at all. Our boys do cry, of course, but we can usually figure out a way to soothe them. But the nightime feeding schedule is truly kicking my a**. Is it the worst mother in the world who knows it is time to wake up her boys so they can gain weight, but hits the snooze button instead?

DH has been a saint, getting up with me three to four times a night to feed, burp, change, and soothe the boys. I say saint because he has to go to work each morning, and I can at least take naps. If he didn't help like he does, I could not function. It already takes about an hour each time, but if we didn't work together, it would take me two hours of staggered feeding, which would leave 0-60 minutes to wash bottles, go the bathroom, and sleep before starting it all over again. I would be lost without him.

Anyway, as much as I am enjoying their little newborn selves and I want them to remain wee for as long as possible, I am looking forward to that point, in the next few weeks when they can at least sleep for an hour or so more at a time.

***

My mother left this morning, and so today - with all our visitors gone for the time being - I have instituted Operation Breast Pump. My goal is that every time I put the boys down to sleep (during the day) that I will make pumping my first priority. I'm going to GNC when DH gets home from work tonight to get the supplement recommended by Elana.

I'm simply not giving up on this nursing deal. I promised myself I'd give it a month, and it hasn't even been 3 weeks yet. I am pumping right now (sorry, TMI!) so my record so far is 1 for 1. I'm sure I won't be 100% but I'm going to try to get my supply back up and keep it that way, now that I don't have to go hide myself in another room. Now that our guests are gone, I can pump in my living room without fear of snide comments or showing too much skin. Wish.Me.Luck.

***

Speaking of feeding, I was calculating last night how much it is going to cost us in formula at the boys' current rate of consumption (meaning - it will only get worse as they eat more). I think a good estimate right now is $40-50/week in formula alone. Which my husband accepted blindly, until I pointed out that our own personal grocery budget before the twins was $50/week, so we have in effect doubled our grocery budget. We could always switch to a generic formula, which I know many of our friends have done, but they are doing so well on the one we have them on (little or no spit ups, tolerable gas, etc.) Anyway, its a lot of money, and that doesn't even include diapers.

Speaking of diapers, I have now tried all the generic and namebrand diapers we had in the house. I have my favorite, and its not generic. But it has caused zero leaks, and zero blow outs, even when DH forgets to point the boys' water hoses in the right direction. So, we could probably spend $75/week on diapers at their current rate. But the avoidance of blow outs and diaper rash is paramount, as well.

I guess there are a billion other things I could cut from our budget before I would compromise in these areas for my boys. It's only +/- 6 months on formula. And they'll go through fewer diapers soon enough. Who needs Starbucks anyway?

16 Days

We took the boys to worship this morning, and I was overwhelmed with joy that they will be able to grow up in our church, surrounded by such loving, wonderful people. And I was reminded of several hymns I want to sing to my boys around the house. Well, not hymns, really, more like camp songs Sanctuary and Step by Step. Why didn't I think of them sooner? These are songs we sang around the campfire when I was a camp director. Songs I sometimes slip into in the shower. Songs that sustain me. And that I want my sons to be able to say one day My mother sang that song to me as a child. It was a great morning.

Will has lost his umbilical cord and his plastibell, so as soon as his...unit...stops looking kind of..inflamed...I won't have to worry about his wounds anymore. Jack has lost his cord, but his plastibell looks like it will be hanging in there for several more days. I am anxious for it to fall off so we can move on with our lives. A mother's love - not wanting to see your child in any situation that might possibly cause them a moment's discomfort, especially in such a tender place.

The breast feeding has all but been called off. I am pumping twice a day, generating like 2 ounces each time. I keep wondering if my body will sustain this level until I go back to work, when I could pump up the volume (pardon the pun) because at work I could take breaks and the boys will be at Melissa's house, and I wouldn't have interruptions. Hmmmm. 4 more weeks?! If not, I tried my best. I have been open to this reality all along, breast feeding twins is a big commitment. But cheapskate me will be most irritated that I spent $70 on breast pump supplies and have not gotten my money's worth.

Did I mention the boys weight gain is insufficient? As of their Friday weigh-in, we are back on the 3-hour feeding schedule. Which is better than the prior 2-hour schedule, but still concerning. I kinda wanted to just wake up when they cried for me and feed them then. I'm so over resetting my alarm clock on my phone three times a night.

One last thought before someone wakes up, I am feeling irritated by the discussion of twins as a double blessing, etc. It's almost as if my mother just glosses over the fact that we suffered with infertility for those years and that we had a huge medical intervention to get these boys. I don't want to discount the blessing they are, or God's role in our lives, but these boys are bought and paid for! We had IVF. It wasn't an accident. We knew we had a 50/50 chance of twins. And we are SO grateful because we waited for so long to have them, to be blessed with them. I don't know. Maybe I'm being sensitive. But something in the way my mother and others talk about them, I am constantly trying to bring up the IVF. This didn't just happen. We suffered. We are infertile. It's more than what you say. It's so much more. I need to work through these emotions some more before I can fully articulate them. It's hard to express.

Setback

The boys are two weeks old today. We had a weight check at the pediatrician's, and then I had my incision check at the OB this morning. It's only 1pm now, but I feel like we've had a full day already!

The boys had been off of their 2-hour feeding schedule since Tuesday. However, Jack only maintained his weight and Will lost 2 ounces. So, we are now on a 3-hour feeding schedule - day and night. Which means I had to reprint the spreadsheet for tracking their intake. And most notably, means I will be getting less sleep, again. And worrying about why my babies are failing to thrive for the next week or so.

The breastfeeding, well, hmmmm. I get the boys to latch for one feeding a day, but I worry it isn't enough and they still seem hungry after that, so they end up eating their full bottle of formula shortly thereafter. The pumping doesn't seem to get done more than once or twice per day, so the volume I am able to pump each time has fallen off from 3 ounces per side, to 1. My big dream is to keep the pumping alive (even at this tiny amount) until I go back to work in another month, and then increase my volume by pumping morning, noon, and night in the parking lot. Gross? Maybe. But a definite benefit to daycare - free time!

In other news, my visit with my mother here is going way better than I had expected. She still says the most awful things. But I guess I am just so grateful to have the help, that I have become stellar at holding my tongue. She means well, and doesn't know how she sounds. I know that. But sometimes I'd like to scream in her face. And I know she bites her tongue, too. We are just so different. So, so different.

For example, today she asked me how I intend to lose the baby weight. I told her I hadn't thought about doing much more than taking care of the boys, but I hoped to take them for walks in the neighborhood in the stroller. To which, she replied, "I think its going to take more than that." Which to me, is code for, you're a fat ass. So, when I told her she didn't need to share any more helpful comments on that topic, she falsely apologized in a very masterful sarcastic tone. I told her I only have about 25 pounds to go, and I'm not worried about it. I should point out she's about 30 pounds overweight herself, so it is exceptionally hard to hear her criticize my weight.

Or, when I vented about my in laws, she suggested that maybe THEY were afraid of ME. No, don't validate your daughter or tell her she'll be okay, she'll get through this difficult time. No, a good mother would apparently suggest that her daughter is the source of the problem, and is indeed, scary. Nice, huh?

And now, yet another picture of the twins: