Girls Night In and Letting Go of Superstition

I had scheduled a Girls Night In some weeks ago for last night. And it was a beautiful evening, shared with 9 amazing women, none of whom are IF and all of whom know we are. The last time I had seen them, I had just had an IUI with the possibility of 6 mature eggs.

Most of them had not spoken to me since the last girls night, but every single one of them brought it up. They all took a moment to get me alone and ask, not any one in front of the entire group, not any one in an insensitive way. Amazing. They all were sad for me. They all were concerned. They all said they had thought about calling many times. How lucky am I to have these women on the fringe of my life who will come to my home and share an evening with me, telling stories about our lives and just being present in that moment, together, talking. So blessed. Such a wonderful life!

I did not bother them with the "Why aren't YOU pregnant?" nurse / US visit. I glossed over the cysts and the month off. I did not cry. I wasn't even sad. It seems like forever ago that we all sat around joking about "A&T Plus 6" when the possibility of multiples was real and it seemed like DH and I were living on the edge by plowing forward with all those eggs. It all seemed so brave and almost risky.

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RE's office closes at noon on Fridays, so I will have to call on Monday to schedule my CD3 US. Ish! But yeah! Because I can see if the cysts from our last IUI in April have gone away, and can start moving forward with our protocol for June's IVF cycle. I'm excited and ready to get back to it. I'm almost glad that I had a month off. Like I needed to step back and stabilize my hormones a little bit, to get back to me. I had just told a friend earlier this week that I feel like I've come out of a coma. Not that I'm excited to go back under, but I guess I just can see that there is life outside of IF and IVF.

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In other news, I'm going to let go of one of my big superstitions this week. I currently drive a Honda Civic, which would be so difficult with my 6'2" husband and a car seat - especially the backword facing newborn one. Also would make road trips really not doable, and since we are so accustomed to just getting in the car to see family 6+ hours away, we'll need room for a pack-n-play, stroller, etc. etc. etc. (I guess I still have hope these treatments will work, huh?)

So, I've been looking at SUV's. But I didn't want to buy one until we were pregnant, because I didn't want to jinx anything. Of course, when I got pregnant, I probably wouldn't want to buy one, for fear that would bring on an instant miscarriage. Stupid, stupid superstitions!!!!! (Sidenote: I sometimes blame myself that the last IUI didn't work, because I was looking at nursery bedding online during our 2WW, which for sure had to jinx it, right?) Anyway, I also didn't want the payment while trying to finance fertility treatments. But I got a raise last month, and I'm beginning to think my Civic is dated and somehow a younger girl's car, so...

I had been working with two dealers - one here in town, and one in another town - back in January. I had kind of decided to wait and not buy anything until September, when my flex spending account renews and I'll have all that extra cash. But, both dealers called me out of the blue this week after months without contact. And so, I think I just decided to buy one from the out of town guy today. I will pick it up next weekend. The price is over $1,000 lower than I would have paid in January, plus the interest rate is lower on the loan. I haven't had a car payment a couple years, so this will be an adjustment. Insurance will be lower, but gas will be higher. And the tax, well, the tax will for sure be higher. But I'm going to be spontaneous and do it anyway! If we get pregnant, then we're already set and won't have the stress of car shopping and feeling like we 'need' to find something. And if we don't, I will still have a fab new vehicle that I love and will be just great for road trips to see my fam. And since I'm buying it because I want it, not just as a family car, then I'm hoping I won't link this purchase to our upcoming IVF cycle. I hope.

New Post

New Post. New Post. Could not think of a better title than New Post.

I wanted to write about time. Because I've been thinking a lot lately about time and perspective.

DH and I had the "adoption" talk at lunch on Sunday. I had been surfing adoption sights on Saturday night, and wondering where he stood. I mean, we talked about it before any treatments, but I wondered whether or not we still felt the same. After a great chat, we are on the same page. And although I sometimes feel like we've been doing this forever, we calculated that we're right at three years since going off the pill. Somehow I had exaggerated that to 5. And he pointed out that we've really only completed two IUI's. I mean, that's nothing, right? That's child's play compared to the rest of my blogging friends. Beginners, really. So, really, only 3 years so far. From going off the pill to finding out DH had MF - 5 months. From diagnosis of varicocele to surgery, a couple more months. From varicocele surgery to RE, one year. Darn those 120 day sperm cycles! From RE to IVF, 6 months. From cancelled IVF to today, 6 months. Maybe it seems so long, because you don't experience it in months, but in two-week increments. (not an original thought, I totally read that on someone else's blog - you might be infertile if...you count your life in 2W increments...but I totally agree and can relate!)

And you're always waiting for something. Ovulation. A test. AF. Results. An appointment. CD3. Whatever. Just always waiting. Two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks.

And to keep from becoming "one of those people" who only thinks and talks about their IF, I thought I was being healthy trying to enjoy the things I wouldn't be able to do when I was cycling or pregnant. So, I would look forward to adult beverages (okay, lots of adult beverages) or a spontaneous trip I couldn't take if we had kids. But even that isn't working anymore. Because yes, I love the new Pomegranate Fusion Smirnoff Ice, and of course, I will take your extra ticket to that outdoor concert where we can camp out and I won't have to worry about driving home so I can pass out in a chair with people I don't know. Of course! But I would rather take my child to the zoo. I would rather fall asleep in a rocking chair in my house with my baby in my arms. I don't want the college life anymore. And I don't want the young, adult professional life anymore. I want the Parents of Young Children life with the sleep deprivation and the kid throwing the fit in the grocery store aisle and the spelling list and the every vacation about the kids. So, my consolation prize isn't that consoling anymore. I'm kind of over it. Doesn't that mean I'm ready and that NOW is the right time?

So, DH and I decided to try this June IVF cycle. And talk after that about another IVF or perhaps going back to IUI. In the meantime, we will learn and begin everything we can about adoption without spending more than a few hundred dollars. In the end, if we don't adopt, we will certainly know more about it. And if we do, then we'll be that much further ahead in the process. One plus, we both agree that because of our non-traditional families today (lots of divorce, remarriage, step and half siblings) that we are in a unique position to love and care for an adopted child. I don't feel 'called' to adopt at this time, but I'm feeling a crack open in my heart and my brain to start listening if that's our purpose.

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In less depressing news, I went for a walk today at lunch. This is one of my favorite spring time traditions. It's a 45- minute loop around my neighborhood, and it totally gives me more energy all afternoon and evening. I may only have one more week before I go on the pill for our June IVF cycle, so I need to enjoy all the non-nauseas / crazy bitch days that I can. And today, at lunch, I practiced being "present" on my walk. I was at peace because I was doing everything that I could at that moment to be a healthy vessel for our child. Very powerful.

progress, progress ... everywhere

So, today was an eventful day. I have two projects which I feel need completed at our home for us to enjoy it completely, and before we could sell it - we need a mantel for our fireplace and a front sidewalk. The mantel, we tore down at least 3 years ago and then never had a new one built. The sidewalk was ripped up two years ago when we had our yard re-graded to drain AWAY from the house. This whole drainage idea is apparently a novel concept that eluded the planners of our development in the 70s. But I digress.

These projects have been on hold as my husband works 24/7/365 and I have traveled 5 out of 7 days of every week (except while stimming!) of the past year. DH certainly wasn't going to call a contractor. But today, it all came together. The mantel will be installed tomorrow, sanded, stained, sanded again, and sealed by Sunday. And the sidewalk will be in tomorrow. In fact, the grass has already been dug up where the sidewalk will be. And we even have enough money in savings to pay for it all. Woo-hoo!

In other progress news, my mood has lightened. The sun is shining. The temp is up. And I may finally be over my winter 'funk'. I have more energy. I took time for relationship building, not just task completion at work. I read an email forward that was a joke, instead of instantly deleteing it and scoffing at the sender in my head for insulting me with the insinuation that I had time for 'fun'. I have hours of Tivo recorded, but I don't feel like watching t.v. I even wrote my grandpa a letter this evening. It's like I'm on meth.

So, is it Spring? Is the change in temperature and daylight hours the cause for my spirits being lifted? Is it the inspirational speech I heard at breakfast downtown or the time management class I hosted yesterday?

I'm more than a little afraid its the month sans cycle. Or maybe just my hormones kind of balancing out after the badmington tournament I've been playing in there with suppression, no stim!, now suppression!

And lastly, for progress sake, I have resigned myself that our next cycle will be IVF, not IUI. We have this money in a flexible savings account that will just magically 'go away' on August 31 if we don't spend it. Even if I didn't have cysts and I could run 4 IUI's back to back, it wouldn't nearly be enough to use up that money by the deadline. So, it's the first time in our four years of IF that I'm making a choice solely based on the financial aspect. Not how I feel, not what I want, not my level of optimism or the doctor's recommendations. Just pure money. If I don't spend it, I'll lose it. The rub is that for me, IUI's are so much faster and easier and less emotionally invasive and involved. But, just by writing this out and owning it, I feel better, like some emotional progress is being made, and I'm confident this is the best financial decision. And who knows?! It might even work!