Saturday, August 11, 2012

35 days and counting

So....the weirdest thing happened to me yesterday.  My boss, my replacement and I were driving across town talking about our plans for the weekend.  Every minute that passed, I became more and more depressed.

Here I am. Staring down a weekend with no plans.  Feeling like we have nothing left for us here in Dallas.  But we can't leave.  We're stuck here until our closing date in September. 

There have been so many times in my life when I've felt like my life was on hold.  And when I say times, I mean years.  And I'm just kind of worn down from it all. 

We found out we were moving to KC back in February and kind of decided at that time, we would hold all our visits home until the move.

I started out the summer trying to make the most of it.  We have some play money to eat out and take vacations.  We are in an apartment, so we have no yard work or home improvements.  We should be having a blast.  And we did.  For the first few weeks.

But now, as the date of our move approaches, I am becoming more and more impatient to be there.  To be closer to friends and family we have neglected since we moved to Dallas.  I feel whine-y complaining about it.  For my little pity party.  I mean, its all a positive move.  But I think knowing about it so far in advance has really been too far in advance.  Too much time to think and be stuck knowing you have no future in your current surroundings.

And I feel stupid complaining to my girlfriends. They all have so much going on right now.  Friend S.  Her father was recently diagnosed with liver cancer and has been given 6-12 months to live.  Friend K. just had her 3rd baby on Monday, so she's not getting any sleep and probably feeling like she's neglecting her other two kids.  She has enough on her plate.  Friend T. just found out their second trip to India for IVF with a gestational carrier did not work on Monday.  Those are my three best friends who I would normally gush to, and my problem, my little pity party is really insignificant when you put it in perspective.  I mean, really petty.

And yet, even though I know its petty, this morose feeling does not go away.  I distract myself by taking the boys to the playground or getting their hair cut.  A date with DH tonight.

But I am sad to be stuck here.  And missing all those friends. And my family, too.  We haven't been home since November.  And I could pack up the car and go there now, except I know it would be foolish to drive the 12 hours today - because if I wait those 35 days it will only be a 3 hour drive.  It doesn't make sense.  It would be stupid to go now.  We've come so far.  And its so close. 

But despite what I rationally know, my emotional self still wants to be sad. 

Being here makes me feel sad.  Because we really didn't make any friends outside of work, and our work friends don't get together that often.  They're all busy with their own families, or visiting people because they aren't moving in 5 weeks.  I should be grateful, because it makes it easier to leave.  But instead my miserable heart choses to feel sad and lonely. 

This waiting is obviously not good for me.  I'm obviously somewhat depressed.  But I feel better - always - after sharing it here.  Helps me wrap my mind around what's going on.  And make sense of it all.  Even when its doesn't actually make sense.

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