Free and Clear

So, the dramatic body scan is over.

My appointment was last Friday at 11am. I sat thru the scan in a much more 'ghetto' setting than my scans in Wichita. They literally used a chair as a footrest.

When the scan ended, I was left alone in the room. I had been watching a scan on the monitor, and when I stood up, I was checking it out. It showed the three major areas - throat, lungs, colon - that they seem to check each time. Only the neck showed a much larger white spot that had spread out from the scan I had last Spring.

My heart sank. I was having pretend conversations with my doctor about what we can do once I get all the radiation I can get. What are we going to do? Who's going to raise my kids? It was tragic.

A few moments later, the tech walked in behind me and said, "That's not your scan. That's the guy before you." She then starts typing on the computer and pulls up my scan - which is completely black, meaning completely and utterly free of any detectable cancer.

And I feel like I've come out from under a dark cloud. Blissfully able to plan a future with my family. To have dreams. And goals. And maybe even someday, more kids. Or not. But I've got time.

On the more realistic side, I need to have another clean scan in 6 months before I'm really out of the clear. But this is definitely a start. And it makes me happy I opted for the aggressive second treatment a week or so before we moved to Dallas. I feel like I made good choices. And I had fabulous medical care. I am so grateful to my OB who spotted the tumor, my fabulous surgeon who did such a clean cut for my basically invisible scar and who left so little tissue behind, as well as my oncologist who gave me my doses, and my endocrinologist who sent me back to the oncologist when my first radiation didn't completely "ablate" my cancer. And my husband who watched my boys, friends who came over to help him, and listened to me all along. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

p.s. The boys are GREAT. Adorable. In to everything. Still not talking, but maybe getting close. We catch an 'up' or an 'uh oh' in between all the 'daddy's Love those guys.

IF Snob

So, I have a total body scan tomorrow. And I'm such a sh*tty patient. Such a snob. An IF snob. A whiney, complaining baby. And why do I say this? Because I think it is RIDICULOUS that I have to trek across town everyday for pre-scan shots in the rump. Um, hello?! If I can shoot myself up with progesterone in the rear for months, months I tell you, then I can certainly handle two days of thyrogen. Progesterone in O.I.L. and this stuff is thin with a short little needle that I barely feel when the elderly nurse makes me bend over - yes! bend over, are you kidding me?!. I admit it, Yes, you have to mix it. But I have mixed my meds before. So, I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to injections, you know?!

Also, loving the Proverbs on some random Bible blog I've been getting in my Google reader lately. Here's yesterday...Proverbs 16:9 - "In his heart a man plans his course but the Lord determines his steps."

Think on that.

Long Time Gone

Wow. 4 months since my last post. Wow.

It's a combination of the speed of life in Dallas, and the fact that our ultra small condo does not allow much alone time for me, and I somehow don't like to blog in front of DH. Weird, huh?


I really do love our life here. I love my job. Love my new boss. He is, in a word, brilliant. But so much more. He's really making me feel included and inviting me to participate and to be his partner, which is what I so desperately needed and was missing in my last position. I know I made a good choice. Can't imagine being in Wichita today. No way!

DH has not yet found a job, so he is still staying home every day with the boys. They are walking now. Still no words, but they definitely are smart cookies. Jack stands in front of the fridge when he wants a drink, and walks to the changing table in his bedroom when I ask him if he wants his pants changed. He will pucker up for a kiss, and start taking off his shirt if you ask him for it. Will doesn't seem to have the same grasp on language, but I'm not worried. He's smart in other, more devious ways. Like figuring out how to climb on top of things to reach things on the counter. Or how to put one of mommy's flip flops on his own foot. He's so demanding and task-oriented. He likes to take my shoes off while I'm standing in them! So he can try to put them back on. I definitely see some parenting books in my future for that little dude! So determined. So like me! And I had always blamed all my bad behavior on being an only child. Apparently....its genetics!

I am scheduled to meet my new endocrinologist on September 1st. He will measure my blood levels, and perhaps schedule a scan so we can see whether or not the radiation in March irradicated the big C. I don't hardly ever think about it, which is good, since there's nothing I can do, really. But sometimes I worry its spread to my jaw or my skin. It's kind of a curse, this diagnosis of mine. Makes you feel susceptible to things, just brings your own mortality into the forefront. Not where it belongs.

We're waiting to make a final decision on whether or not we thaw out the totsicles until we get this cancer diagnosis behind us. I'd like to have one more, maybe, but then we'd need a different car, more money, more time, etc. And we really do have a good deal with the boys. I don't want to be greedy. Don't really want to risk having another child who is less than healthy. These two little miracles are more than enough. I still am in awe that they are here. Of course I get tired and impatient and desperate for more personal time. Of course. But I look at their little faces, and I see them learning and growing and they are just true miracles. My little dudes. And I am grateful and happy. I don't need another child to be happy. I got the dream I never thought would come true.