Asymmetrial What?

Nap Time @ mi casa.

Watching Jersey Shore in Italy.

Ate some leftover OTB (On the Border).

Drinking a Coke Zero.

Surfing the web for great salad recipes.

Checking in with the blog.

So, I haven't been freaking out about not drinking. I went a few weeks without drinking, then had a half a drink one night at a work outing. It didn't taste good and our waitress sucked so I didn't even get a chance to order something I did like.

I've had a few beers and glasses of wine at home. But not more than 2 a night. Not analyzing it, but also kind of keeping an eye on myself, just conscious of my drinking.

**

I have been losing weight. Kind of. Like .3 pounds per week or something similar to that. I think its my thyroid meds. I am getting ready for a body scan on 8/26. So, I'm off the Synthroid and on a med with a shorter half-life, Cytomel, and I have more energy, I have some other health benefits that are embarrassing to describe...just maybe we could say ... in the regularity department ... and I have more energy. I don't need to eat as much to feel full. And so I don't really feel deprived and so I'm losing a little weight. Not dramatic, but my pants are loser and I can wear clothes that I haven't warn in awhile. Fun. Would like to stay on it. Need to call my endo and see if he will let me.

The downside is I have to go off ALL meds on 8/12 and will be crazy, loopy off-her-thyroid-meds girl at quite possibly, once again, the most inconvenient time. You may recall the radiation treatment of 2010 wherein I was off my meds while packing up my house and leaving my job to move my family to Dallas where my husband did not have a job. Yes, its kind of like that again.

The company I work for, we have stores. And for the past year or so we have been BUILDING a new store. And we will be MOVING to our new store on 8/26. The day AFTER my body scan when I will have been off my meds for two weeks. And I will have to miss a couple half days of work to take blood tests, take low-dose radiation, get the scan, etc.

I also have a consultation that week with a plastic surgeon for a breast reduction. So tired of looking ridiculous in a swimsuit with my asymmetrical mess of a chest. Tired of having clothes fit my fat tummy but not over my big lopsided chest.

Busy week. Moving all of our building possessions, coordinating outside vendors and our employees, and lots of responsibility and at my best, I will feel like I'm suffering from a severe head cold.

{lovely}

**

The boys are way fun. Especially at this minute, cuz they're napping :) But seriously, they say funny things and carry themselves in funny ways. I have had to dissuade their interest in all things Thomas, because I can't stand that show. Their vocab expands faster than I can keep up. Although their favorite word is still 'no'

DH and I have a date planned for tonight. Groupon at a local restaurant and the boys will go to the drop in daycare, then a movie on the Tivo from Amazon. {sigh}

Later this month, we have a "staycation" planned with my boss and another co-worker and our families. I've been obssessed with getting a swimsuit that is flattering on my tummy and stretch marks {yikes!} and also supports the chest without making it pop out and scare my friends' children. Finally got one off the internet, but its a little big {i know, how can you buy a swimsuit on the internet? well, I just know the brand, I guess}

Am I seriously rambling on and on about swimsuits?! Let's just say I've got a lot going on and instead of worrying about movers and forklifts and furniture and vending machines and fuel tanks, I choose to spend my time surfing the internet for swimsuits, cover ups, and other items that support my vanity!

Last Friday Night

I was able to sleep last night from about 9:30pm until about 5am. Hallelujah!!!!

I still don't want to drink, but I am finding a way to laugh at myself. Which is a sign the neurosis is fading {for now anyway}.

I'm sure this is terribly sad and this guy had family and will be dearly missed etc etc etc but at least I'm not THIS GUY.

And I know that others have been here before. Not just because of your kind posts but because of this fun song which for now contains the Best.Lyrics.Ever.

Neurotic

Again last night, I couldn't sleep.

Driving across town this morning, telling my boss how I haven't been able to sleep since Friday night and how I may never.drink.again, he says to me "What's that word you always use for L (mutual friend)?" And I say, "Neurotic?" He says, "Yes, that's it. Neurotic." And continues, "I didn't think anything was THAT bad." To which I reply, "I was asleep. In front of your kids! At like 7pm!" He replies, "So! I do that like every night."

Difference being he collapses after getting up at 4:30am to run or lift weights and then working 12+ hours - throwing his entire self into our company and then our family. Not after drinking to excess.

But it made me feel better. And he is amazing. I would say ...for him to always be so gracious, so merciful and non-judgemental of me and others in our circle of friends. But maybe I really wasn't that bad. Maybe I slid by this time. So, I pointed out that same thing, and added that the part that really worries me is only remembering parts of the evening, and not knowing if I owe anyone an apology and if so, who, and for what.

So for the record, neurotic means a state of being afflicted with a neurosis or a person who tends to be emotionally unstable or unusually anxious. Definitely since Friday night I have been neurotic. Not sleeping. Relentless negative self talk. Obsessive.Compulsive.Anxiety about what bridges may have been burned that night, what consequences I could face if it happens again or T had not been there to drive me home. Over and Over and Over and Over. And over.

So last night I tossed and turned out on the couch reading and staring into the dark until I finally drifted off sometime after 2:30am. And my son Will woke up at 5am. I was in the shower by 5:30. I'm hoping that the <=3 hours of sleep last night will force me to sleep tonight!

And with a return to normal sleep patterns, then a return to just.moving.on. I think that's why I like the idea of abstaining from alcohol for awhile or forever. It would be final, so I could just put it all behind me. If anything, I would love to just put this behind me and never think of it again. Never again face 3 days of this punch to the gut.

So...is my real problem that I passed out after a few drinks? Or that I'm blowing it out of proportion when everyone else around me thinks it was no big deal? Or that I'm suffering insomnia? Or am I starting to come down with a wee little bout of depression? WTF is going on?

In other news, the boys are amazing fun right now. Amazing horrible to take to a friend's house for dinner, but crazy fun in a controlled environment. We're in the midst of potty training, despite my best intentions to put it off a couple more months until I think the boys are ready. Daycare is requesting pull ups. Will had dry diapers and peed in the potty all day yesterday. Jack scared himself by pooping in the potty at home last night and cried cried cried until it was all cleaned up and then finally was proud of his accomplishment. And I was proud of myself for not vomiting in front of him because it was a nasty, liquid corny poo that was definitely gross. And while I'm trying to console him, his brother is sticking his nose down in the potty chair to investigate. Ewww!

Their vocabularies are ever expanding. DH and I thoroughly enjoy sharing their accomplishments with each other. Yesterday, he was amazed they knew an "umbrella" in its folded up closed state. Last week, Jack shocked me with the word "shoulder" And last night Jack, upset that I was singing out loud, held my face in his hands and said, "No momma! Time out!" Yes, my two-year-old put me in a time out. And he can count from 5 to 10. Not 1 to 5, but definitely 5 to 10. And they both love to sing "Phenomenon Do do do do do do. Phenomenon Do do do do .... ala the muppets which they've never seen but I sing to them in the car.

Life is good. Maybe I'm just afraid of throwing it all away.