Wistful Thinking

Was just reading a blog I like to read from time to time ... Little Miss Momma. She is so beautiful and I love seeing her photography. And sometimes her posts make me smile. Today she posted some pics from her husband's phone, and there were many of her little singleton. And it makes me wistful. Because although I feel guilty about it, I sometimes envy the momma who can have just one baby at a time. I so appreciate these two little boys. I can't imagine our life without them. I think they are funny, and smart, and cute, and also its like they know their second birthday is next weekend and so they've decided to be two already! So, they are whiney and needy and tantrum-throwing and melty-downy and still cute and smart and funny. Their facial expressions crack me up and their favorite word is either "mine" or "no". And I still remember when I worried we'd never have children of our own. And so I don't want to give up either of them, I just sometimes have this grass is greener when it comes to twins vs singletons.

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Preparations for the 2nd birthday party continue. This weekend I made four (count em, 4) batches of enchiladas. Next weekend will be cupcakes and cake pops and decorating. I hope to get out this afternoon during naptime or shortly thereafter to purchase the gifts (which were an afterthought to the party, I'm afraid!). We are getting the boys some little gifts and tricycles. I read somewhere it was a good gift for this age. So, I'm excited to teach them to ride.

Hopefully I can be posting pictures this time next week! The theme is Elmo (also one of their favorite words) and so there will be a lot of red.

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The boys had their last day at their old pre school on Thursday. And even though I half the time thought they hated me, or didn't love the boys enough, I still cried when I left for the last time.

They started their new school on Friday, and I was able to watch on the webcam, so I could see how sweet they were to the boys after we left. And how good the boys did (except during naptime!) and I really appreciate what $800 MORE a month in daycare can do for you. The people are so friendly, the building and toys are so nice. And I've seen those 3-year-old teachers in action, so I know that next year, if possible, will be EVEN BETTER than what they've got now. Biggest bonus is its like 1mile from our new home, which means the boys aren't sitting in traffic. And my commute is shorter. All which makes this momma very.very happy.

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All those months ago I started my new year's diet and I quickly fell off. I'm back on it again, though not as gung ho but definitely making good choices and seeing progress. I like to have a goal, so right now I'm working toward a family reunion at the beginning of June to be followed by our annual 4th of July pilgremage to Minnesota. Anyway, I'm trying.

Vascillation

We got moved into our new home this weekend. I know we downsized when we moved to Texas by the fact that we have everything out of the condo and on the floor in our new house before 1pm on Saturday AMAZES me. We spent most of that day and yesterday baby-proofing the house. Between Jack pulling out all the outlet covers and Will opening and running out the front door, we definitely knew how to prioritize our time!



There is still SO much to do, but most of what's left will be fun stuff - picking out rugs, painting the bonus room, buying furniture, etc.



The joys (ha, ha) of homeownership appeared on day 1 - wasps in the backyard that needing ridding, loose screws on the playset that need screwed in, leaves that need cleaned out of the beds, light bulbs that need replaced, outlet covers that fall off and need longer screws. That makes the house sound like its in disrepair, but its not. Really, its GORGEOUS.

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It's so gorgeous that its hard for me to believe that I live there. I'm having a hard time articulating this feeling I have. My husband and I come from meager homes. My parents were factory workers. His worked for the school district. I knew we were living below our means before, but this home is nicer than any other in our family, any home we've every lived in. We've got these two beautiful, funny, and healthy boys. My cancer is gone. We have great jobs. And it just all seems too perfect. I'm starting to have anxiety that something is going to go wrong. Car wreck. Burglar. Getting fired. Broken arm. Anything.

On the other hand, I also feel like all my hard work has paid off. I have a liberal arts degree. I was fully prepared to be a social worker or ask people if they wanted fries with that. I started out in a non-profit and earned a commensurate salary. And I started out as a freakin' secretary with the company where I work today. But it seems like all of my years of hard work have paid off. My master's degree. My moving all over the midwest. Late nights. Personal sacrifice. Relationship building. All of it. It really feels like I've made it.

So, I vascillate between feeling like I'm living in a dream, like I'm Cinderella at the ball and any minute now the clock will strike midnight - and trying to become okay with being successful. And even as I write that, it sounds smug.

I think I have issues with money where I'm more comfortable scrambling for cash and living month to month than I am with this identity of being stable, and even more than stable, having money. Not that its a lot. It really isn't. Its just more than I've ever had. And it feels weird. Like I don't deserve it. Like its not really me. Like someone's going to come along and say, oh no, not you, we didn't mean this for you. We made a mistake. This is someone else's life.

Maybe I need therapy.

T Minus Five and I'm Definitely Counting

T Minus Five more nights in the condo. In the 865 sq ft home we have enjoyed for the past 360 days. SO ready to have some space. And the additional daylight in the evenings thanks to daylight savings time has made me DESPERATE for my boys to have a yard. I'm also looking forward to have SPACE for me to have some alone time without feeling like I'm hiding in the bedroom from DH. And to walk on my treadmill. And to have friends over for dinner. And for the boys to have their own playroom. Dream.House. Can't.Wait.

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I wonder if I should start parting my hair in the middle like Kim Kardashian.

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Took Jack to the pediatrician last week for an ear infection: Doctor's Visit: $75, Prescription: $24

DH took Will to the minor med center tonight, same diagnosis: Visit: $20, Prescription, $80.

WTF?!

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I'm also considering getting a Brazillian Blowout, but its $250. And that seems oppulent. But as overweight as I am now, I think it would be nice if at least my hair could be skinny.

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Reason # 1,000,001 why I'm excited to move .... THIS happened at "MY" Walmart this past weekend. I know that no place is purely safe, but I'm definitely ready to move to the burbs and out of the United Nations. I went to this place in daylight, and darkness. With my children. And alone. And I N.E.V.E.R. felt safe. The people there eyeball you. They invade your personal space. They ask for money in the parking lot. And they're probably all normal, God-fearing peopel who would never hurt you. But there have probably been 100 people mugged there in the past year and it took this event for me to find out about it. Seriously. I was there on Sunday. there was no chalk on the parking lot. No police tape. No sign that a customer had been KILLED by the acts of another customer less than 48 hours prior. SO.READY.TO.MOVE. I'm such a sell out. and I'm okay with it.