Infertility Bites

I apologize this is SO late...I wrote it on 4/29! I have had a "java" problem and have decided to go ahead and use another computer to just.get.it.posted.

First, an update on "the little Will" as he is known around our house.

Took him to the surgeon yesterday for his consult and he DOES need surgery for a hydrocele. Google it if you want to know more. I was relieved it wasn't a tumor.

The surgeon was super nice, and I am now paranoid it was because I was crazy on the phone with his referral nurse.

Nurse: Which doctor were you wanting to make an appointment with?

Me: I'm not sure. They just gave me a card with all the doctors and I'm not very happy about it.

Nurse: Well, all of our doctors here are great.

Me: Can you put me with whichever doctor is going to be nicest to the mom?

Etc

Etc

Etc

I started to get suspicious when the surgeon told me how many times he'd done this surgery and reassured me how great a pediatrician I have. I know he's a great pediatrician. He's been rated one of D's best year after year after year and he spotted this fluid like a good doctor should. I just don't think he's a good match for me, because whenever I'm around him I feel insecure and afraid to ask questions, and I'm pretty sure last time I saw him he chastised me for asking my son not to slam the drawer he was working in shut anymore. GRRRRRRR! But I do love the surgeon and perhaps by meeting me he now thinks I'm just crazy overprotective because of our IF (which came up b/c I was concerned little Will may have some lasting side effects from the hydrocele in that area) and not because I'm just the regular kind of crazy.

I must admit. I am kind of crazy. Especially when it comes to my tantrum-throwing, loveable little two year olds :)

***

I was just watching some show earlier - RH of Orange County perhaps? - where the one lady, Tamra, I believe, kept talking about how she deserves to be happy and how hard that is for her to accept. I think that's what I've been going through with our life here in Dallas. I mean, I'm going to make more money this year than I ever dreamed or even hoped I would. It's beyond anything I ever had planned for myself. Don't get all worried. I'm not even in the 6 figures. But I can see 6 figures from here. And its like crazy success. And I love my husband. And despite the minor surgery on little Will's nads and some remissioned cancer on momma, we are healthy. Of course, I'd like to be skinnier and to have a boob job, but really, seriously, our life is beyond what I thought it could be just a few short years ago.

I think what I'm having a hard time with is being happy. With everything and more than I've ever dreamed. And adjusting my expectations and really perception of "happy" to that reality. I'm sorry if you're getting sick of this talk, or if you think I'm repetitive. I'm just really having a hard time articulating what I'm experiencing or moving past the perception of this monumental change. I mean, seriously, my parents gave me such stupid money issues. I have the money in the bank, but I'd rather ... I don't know ... anything ... than pay someone else to do it. Paint my own toenails. Paint my garage door. Mow my grass. And I'd rather have the money in the bank than spend it. And I'd rather worry about keeping that balance high in the bank than enjoy the fact that I have more money on hand than ever.before.in.my.life.

I have money issues. And I will probably continue to explore them here where I feel safe. Because I know its tacky to talk about money, so I don't really feel like I can talk about it with anyone but DH.

***

Part of my deserving to be happy adventure ... I'm getting my hair straightened tomorrow morning. Kertain treatment which is otherwise known as a Brazillian Blowout. My hair is super frizzy here, and I love it straight, but I'm too lazy to flat iron it unless I'm at a hotel or the boys are out with their daddy. So, anyway, this is something that I would normally use as a reward for myself....something that millions of other women just do as a part of their regular beauty regimen. It would normally be a treat for losing 10 pounds or the splurge part of my tax return / or bonus, etc. But instead, as part of living in the now and allowing myself the success I have EARNED through my hard work, I am just, on a regular Saturday morning, taking the time to get my hair straightened, for me. All for me. Not a prize. Not a reward. Not a splurge. Just .... this is my life now. And this is what I want in this moment.

Sounds like crazy talk to me. But I'm going to try to normalize it. Without going crazy and oppulent or something.

See what I mean? Normal but holding back. Can't help it. Crazy.About.Money.

Thanks, Mom! :)

I can feel some depression sinking in. It happens from time to time when all I want to do is lay in bed and EAT. Which is basically all I did during fertility treatments and pregnancy and radiation. So, for a long time, it just looked like fertility treatments, pregnancy and radiation. But I know its mild depression. I know it is.

So, I lay here, in bed, watching a reality show marathon while my husband is in the living room with our two boys. I'm hoping a night off will get me by. I'm hoping I can talk myself out of this. But really, all I want to do is eat and lay in this bed and fast forward through commercials on my Tivo.

But I actually have work to do. To make up. From being off two days last week (friends from MN in town visiting). And for leaving early tomorrow.

At Will's two-year well visit, his pediatrician found some fluid in his left testicle. So....we have our surgical consult tomorrow. I am hoping it is a simple hydrocele and that a simple outpatient procedure will cure it. Please pray for good things tomorrow afternoon.

In other news, Will has become a terror of a two year old. Tonight, he is a dream - sweet and funny and interacting with everyone well except for when he threw his plate on the floor at dinner. But this morning, he stood outside our bedroom door behind which was my showering husband and screamed "mommy" (because that's what he's calling daddy these days) and threw himself against the door and banged his fists on the door and kicked and cried and pushed his brother down. First.Thing.This.Morning. So, I was exhausted from that ordeal before my day even began.

I know he has a strong will. I have the same personality. I know this year will be rough and that all two-year olds need to assert their individuality. There will be time outs - for him and for me. And I guess that I'm having one for me tonight.