35 days and counting

So....the weirdest thing happened to me yesterday.  My boss, my replacement and I were driving across town talking about our plans for the weekend.  Every minute that passed, I became more and more depressed.

Here I am. Staring down a weekend with no plans.  Feeling like we have nothing left for us here in Dallas.  But we can't leave.  We're stuck here until our closing date in September. 

There have been so many times in my life when I've felt like my life was on hold.  And when I say times, I mean years.  And I'm just kind of worn down from it all. 

We found out we were moving to KC back in February and kind of decided at that time, we would hold all our visits home until the move.

I started out the summer trying to make the most of it.  We have some play money to eat out and take vacations.  We are in an apartment, so we have no yard work or home improvements.  We should be having a blast.  And we did.  For the first few weeks.

But now, as the date of our move approaches, I am becoming more and more impatient to be there.  To be closer to friends and family we have neglected since we moved to Dallas.  I feel whine-y complaining about it.  For my little pity party.  I mean, its all a positive move.  But I think knowing about it so far in advance has really been too far in advance.  Too much time to think and be stuck knowing you have no future in your current surroundings.

And I feel stupid complaining to my girlfriends. They all have so much going on right now.  Friend S.  Her father was recently diagnosed with liver cancer and has been given 6-12 months to live.  Friend K. just had her 3rd baby on Monday, so she's not getting any sleep and probably feeling like she's neglecting her other two kids.  She has enough on her plate.  Friend T. just found out their second trip to India for IVF with a gestational carrier did not work on Monday.  Those are my three best friends who I would normally gush to, and my problem, my little pity party is really insignificant when you put it in perspective.  I mean, really petty.

And yet, even though I know its petty, this morose feeling does not go away.  I distract myself by taking the boys to the playground or getting their hair cut.  A date with DH tonight.

But I am sad to be stuck here.  And missing all those friends. And my family, too.  We haven't been home since November.  And I could pack up the car and go there now, except I know it would be foolish to drive the 12 hours today - because if I wait those 35 days it will only be a 3 hour drive.  It doesn't make sense.  It would be stupid to go now.  We've come so far.  And its so close. 

But despite what I rationally know, my emotional self still wants to be sad. 

Being here makes me feel sad.  Because we really didn't make any friends outside of work, and our work friends don't get together that often.  They're all busy with their own families, or visiting people because they aren't moving in 5 weeks.  I should be grateful, because it makes it easier to leave.  But instead my miserable heart choses to feel sad and lonely. 

This waiting is obviously not good for me.  I'm obviously somewhat depressed.  But I feel better - always - after sharing it here.  Helps me wrap my mind around what's going on.  And make sense of it all.  Even when its doesn't actually make sense.

Fear and Self Loathing

So, I have to be honest.

I am a little bit [completely] terrified that I am going to fail at my new job.

My current position is - as they say - in my wheelhouse.  It fits perfectly with my skill set.  I could do it in my sleep.

My new position requires knowledge and skills that are a stretch for me.

But everyone has faith in me.  One of the most brilliant people I have ever known (owner of our company) has chosen me to run this company for him.  I like to joke that he possibly had a stroke on the day he made this decision.  But he does know me.  For almost 9 years, we worked together, not quite side by side.  He knows how I say the wrong thing, how I get fixated, how I am relentless when I think someone is not carrying their weight, how I guesstimate, how I have zero attention to detail.  He knows me.  I think.

My new position requires me to have a new boss.

A new boss who I have been friends with for just about as long as I've been with this company (going on 11 years).  A new boss who I love drinking and talking with.  But who can be ... impatient with my whole saying the wrong thing at the wrong time (he told me a few months ago - and I quote - You don't ALWAYS say the wrong thing. Which he meant and I took as reassurance.  But he may not like my direct style.  He is the king of manipulation.  Which I find disingenuious so I avoid it.  Oh, and did I mention I'm following him? Taking his position? in which he has excelled for that past 5 years.  Not really my favorite upward mobility strategy.  I personally prefer to follow a failure.

My new position requires me to supervise the guy who didn't get this job.

My new partner, or the guy who should be my partner, is the guy who was also up for this job.  And I get to supervise him.  And although I have way more leadership, project management, institutional knowledge, and all around "success" experience and am a more dynamic [wo]man of the people, he totally has more product and industry knowledge than me.  And he's all aloof all the time which makes him appear more mature, but the people ran a smear campaign to keep him from getting the job.  But somehow I always feel inferior with him.  Lately, I've been ignoring him because that somehow makes me be on equal footing with him aloof-ness-wise but I hate playing games.  And I hate the way I feel around him.  So, there's that.  Its like he's always in control of the conversation.  Where's the subservience people?!?!

But its not all bad.  I have known these people for years, dreamed of being a part of their team, and never dreamed I would be their leader.  All the people smearing my competition were vocally campaigning for me.  And have been so supportive already and on an ongoing basis leading up to this move.  I get to be closer to my family in Iowa than I have been since 1995.  Yes, 1995.  Almost 20 years!  My boys will know their cousins and their grandparents and great-grandparents.  Its going to be so stinking good for our family.

And I get to be the boss.  And run my own business.  With someone else's money.  And make it my own.  Our own, with the people who I know are industry leaders.  Its an amazing opportunity.  And nothing worth having ever came easy, right?

I just needed to share with you all how insecure I am about the move, when I actually think about it.  That its out of my league, that I may have Peter-principled myself.  That my ambition may be my achilles heel.  That I may have peaked at 35.  That my friend, who will now be my boss, won't like me anymore when I don't measure up to the way he did this same job.  Even though I know in my heart I will do better in the end, and my means will justify that end.  I mean, I won't do it the same way.  And he may not like that.

Okay.  Enough of that.  Just had to get it out there.  My DH believes in me so solidly, he can't relate.  And there really is no one else I can reveal this weakness to right now.  No one who understands, anyway - they just give me platitudes of You'll get there!  You're crazy!  You were meant for this! Etc. Etc. ETc..  Its a lonely spot to be in.  Thanks for letting me share this weakness here.  Its cathartic.

Purgatory Funk

So, we are moving to KC in about 49 days.  About. Ha! 

DH and I are in a funk.  Not with each other.  But with our life.  We are just in a holding pattern once again.  Seriously, life is just one big game of hurry up and wait. Am I right? 

We sold our house in 4 days.  Moved into this apartment.  We have 49 days left in this apartment.  A few weeks ago I went to KC by myself and found a house that we're buying, and although it costs more than our house here in Dallas, the payments will actually be similar because interest rates are so stinking low right now.  Although if I think about our old house, I could cry real tears, I am happy with our new house.  The styles are so different between here and there so its hard to compare. 

Big plus: daycare is like so much cheaper in KC.  Downside: we don't pay state income tax here, but we will in KC.  Everything is a double edged sword.

But I digress.

We are in a funk because in the beginning of the summer we had this bucket list of things we wanted to do and see before we move.  But now we really have done most or all of those items and we're just ready to move into the new house.  Actually, finding the new house was probably our demise because now we can picture ourselves there.  And so we're so over our life here in Dallas, which is probably exasperbated by the apartment life.

So, anyway, we're so over it.  So. So. So. So. over it.  So, although I still love my job here and the people I work with, DH is negative and crabby about it all.  I just want to drink beer or wine and eat carbs.  Self medicating.   49 days and counting.....{big sigh}

The boys are great.  Jack finally overcame his whole crying when I dropped him off at school routine.  But he still cannot get past the whole pooping in the potty deal.  I need to call their new school in KC and make sure they don't need to be completely potty trained before they start there.  They say the cutest things, they know so much. I mean, they know what pollution is.  WTF?  They should probably take the mensa test now, right?!

I'm a little nervous about my DH's new career in KC.  He's going to be taking the exams to be a licensed commercial realtor.  Which means we've set our budget to live off my income plus savings.  We have enough to get us by for about 2 years.  Even the worst realtor in the world can land a commission in two years, right?!  I mean, I think we've planned conservatively.  And in two years, the boys won't have daycare, they'll be a part of the public school system (thank you, taxpayers!) so we won't even need his income. 

So, I've basically rambled to you about everything that's been on my mind in the past few days.  Definitely ready for my life to move forward.  In the meantime, the diet is in the trash can and we're still trying to make every day happy for the dudes.  This weekend, we're headed to the circus!  Will is going to be so excited!

And to reward you for reading through this whining, here's a pic of our family vaca to Sea World in June.  If only there was such a fun place between here and KC we could visit while waiting for our furniture to be delivered by the movers in 49 days!