12 Weeks

I am so bipolar today.

On the one hand, I am elated to have made it to 12 weeks. I feel like we have overcome so much. We got pregnant! And we had embryos to freeze. The pregnancy wasn't chemical. Our betas doubled nicely! The baby was in the uterus, not some tube. There were two babies! They had heartbeats! Today is my last PIO shot (wahoo!!!!) And they continue to grow, so far.

But all of that can be gone in a heartbeat.

My friend JamieD lost her twins this week. And I am so heartbroken for her. And I know that that could have been me, and it still could be me. There are no guarantees just because I reached 12 weeks. It all just seems to senseless, and so random. And scary.

I was planning to write about how much better I've been feeling, and go on and on about meaningless details of my day, but it all seems so trivial now.

Please hold Jamie and her husband in your hearts. She deserves better.

Random Stuff (11wk 5d)

In honor of my post from yesterday, I am passing on this joke that I received from a friend at work today:

I was depressed last night after looking at my Stocks, so I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

***

I had a bad pregnancy nightmare last night. I was walking on wet concrete and fell, twice. And my mucous plug started to come out with little streaks of blood in it. And I woke up at 2am from this dream, and had to talk myself into a calm state. Do you ever have those dreams where you are so into it that you have to wake up and tell yourself It was just a dream. It wasn't real. Everything is still okay. But then I couldn't get back to sleep after that, so I moved to the couch to get away from DH's heavy breathing. And I laid awake on the couch with my mind racing for over an hour before I was able to get back to sleep. That's be about enough of the insomnia and bad dreams.

***

My Sister In Law discovered today that she is unexpectedly pregnant. She originally tested on a 5-year old pee stick that she found in her garage. She didn't have the instructions anymore, so she couldn't read it. I think she knew in her heart that she was, but needed my sister and I to encourage her to go buy another stick. Which she did. And which was positive.

She's really struggling with the reality of this right now. She's not happy right now, but she'll get there. She's concerned about the stress on their marriage, the stress on their finances, the change to their lifestyle. They have two boys - who are 7 and 5 and are perfect. I'm thrilled, because they have the best kids! I tried to convince her that her doubts are normal, that's its really soon and early and she'll get there. I think she was feeling guilty about not being more excited, like she was with the first two.

I do not think I could have been so supportive had we not got our BFP, were we not pregnant with our twins. I may have been bitter, I would have tried to be supportive, but I would have been hurt. They will be great parents, and this new niece or nephew will be a great playmate for our kids. And it will be another member of my family, who will be a blessing. My SIL will get there. My brother is already. It's just a big day for them. And I'm so glad that I'm HERE and not where I was, so I can appreciate it with a heart full of love, and without any creeping resentment in the background.

Don't Check Your 401(k) (11wk 4d)

Ok, don't do what I just did.

Don't just out of curiousity log in to your 401(k) account to see how hard a hit you've taken with the recent crappy stock market.

Because it will depress you. Because all of those thousands that you and your employer have contributed this year, but yet do not appear in the current balance, could have been put into a 'real' savings account where perhaps you could access them to buy things like diapers.

And it will scare you. You will shake and tremble with fear that the bailout won't be enough. That things will never rebound. And you'll lose it all. And you'll have to live with your as yet unborn children because you will have nothing.

Shiver.