Radiologist Report

So, I called evil Dr. G's office today to get a copy of the Radiologist's report. Which they faxed to me shortly after lunch. And....it doesn't read as bad as Dr. G made it out to be. I'm glad I called to get a copy because a) now I know everything he does; and b) IT doesn't mention the 'C' word.

In fact, in the secon paragraphs it starts out. "We're still dealing with ..." which leads me to believe that everything in the first paragraph must not have been that bad. And it says the treatment options are 'biopsy, removal, or close monitoring' so the biopsy isn't even required.

Don't get me wrong, I still want the biopsy. I'm still waiting to hear back with my referral to the surgeon, which could be as late as next Wednesday. But anyway, enough about that horrible crappy topic.

***

My friend S. is bringing her 3-year-old T. over for Trick or Treating here after while. I searched a couple stores for Sponge Bob Spooky Pants but everywhere was out, so he's getting a Corduroy book, and a spooky flashlight.

***

I noticed today that my belly is sticking out further than my chest. I still have the two rolls, but the belly button is certainly less deep than last week. So, hopefully, the merging of the FUPA and muffin top will be here soon. I'm still Al Bundy with one hand constantly on my lower belly praying to feel one or both of them move. It pretty much consumes my entire evening.

The C Word

I had my follow up appointment with my GP today, and he is referring me to a surgeon to have a biopsy of my thyroid. He mentioned that awful 'C' word. Cancer.

I can't believe I just typed that word.

How can I have waited all this time to get pregnant, overcome so much, and now have to worry about dying? I know that may seem melodramatic. But I'm pregnant, so I'm hormonal, and if this is the first thing I truly, tearfully freak out about, then so be it. No one wants to hear a doctor say that damn word. Ever. Immediately, my mind jumps to my twins having to grow up without a mommy.

Since I came home, I have been looking at pictures of my self from the past year or so, trying to figure out just exactly when my throid appears enlarged. Like somehow if I can prove what day it appeared, then I'll know how bad this might be. It was before the pregnancy. I can clearly see it on the 4th of July. What if it was caused by all the fertility meds? What if I gave myself cancer trying to get prenant?

And by the way, I H.A.T.E. this GP. My normal doctor moved to another town a few months ago, so we just stuck with the same clinic and switched doctors. My boss had been to this new GP, Dr G. we'll call him, and she thought he was really good. I hate him. I'm never going back. It was awkward at my first appointment with him, but I thought maybe we'd warm up to each other. But, we just don't mesh. And so, this was an awful visit, made worse by this discomfort. I didn't ask him any questions. I knew if I started talking I would start to bawl and I didn't feel comfortable crying in front of him. I just wanted to leave.

He starts off by walking in, kind of half remembering my story, saying Dr. C (OB) noticed the enlarged thyroid at my annual. I responded, "No, I'm pregnant." I hate him! Then, he says, "But you had fertility problems before, right?" apparently trying to make it seem like he knows about me, but just making things worse. HATE. HIM.

He then says, "They told you that you needed a biopsy, right?"

I say, "No, they didn't tell me anything." I assume he means the asshat sono tech at the imaging place last week.

Silence.

I continue. "What does the report say?"

It goes on like this with awkward pauses and me tearing up between his random statements about catching it early, can't be too careful, biopsy, surgery during pregnancy, cancer, blah, blah, blah.

I called my boss first. Then I called my friend K. And my friend S. I haven't told DH yet because he won't be home from work until 8 and I didn't want him to freak out and be stuck at work, or try to drive home while he was upset. So, I'll tell him when he gets home. And I emailed my friend J. who had thyroid surgery earlier this summer, so I could get the name of her surgeon and any inside info. She had cancer. And her surgery was successful, so far.

I know its not a death sentence. I may not even have it. And if I do, its perfectly treatable, during the pregnancy or after. But that word is just...so...scary.

Dr G (who I hate) is supposed to refer me to a surgeon. I have left a message for my OB to give me his own referral, because....that's right....I hate Dr. G. And now I have to find a new GP because I am NEVER.GOING.TO.DR.G.AGAIN! I may even drive to the nearby town where my old GP moved.

I hope its not cancer. But if it is, I hope its treatable. And that the treatments don't harm the twins, or can be put off until after they're born. And I hope that I have a lot more years to live.

Random Updates

Belly Update
So, on one of the blogs I read this week, the woman posted a picture of herself at 14 weeks. She is also pg with twins. And I thought, Holy crap! I certainly do not look that big. Which of course made me worry. Dr. C has done no measuremens. So, what if my twins aren't developing like they should? Panic. Fear. Must.Do.Something.

So, I took a bunch of pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror. I just stripped down to my bra and pajama pants, didn't even bother cleaning up the toothpaste splatters off the mirror. And then I put the pictures side by side with hers. She definitely 'appears' larger than me. But I think she is just normally thinner than me, so her baby had nowhere to go but out. I, on the other hand, have always had what I like to call birthing hips and so my babies have lots of space to float around in, plus a few layers of fat to hide beneath.

But I know I'm getting bigger. I've been wearing maternity pants for weeks. And the tops I bought don't appear as huge as they seemed when I bought them. But the biggest clue that I am indeed pregnant is the fact that I keep runnning my belly into things. Last night it was the counter in front of the kitchen sink. Today, it was the counter at work, and then a chair I was pushing in. So, no more comparing myself to skinny girls and their basketballs. And no more listening to people tell me I look so small (seriously, one guy at work today asked me if I'd lost weight!). I have told gads of people how small they look. Its meaningless!

But one last complaint. I am normally overweight, and my belly is divided into two rolls. My FUPA and then a muffin top. Ish. I know. And can I just say that I cannot wait for them to merge, to be one continuous baby bump, and not two distinct flabby rolls?! My friend K who is a month ahead of me, sent me pics today and she still has the two distinct rolls. She thought they went away at about 22 weeks for her last time. Seriously?! That will be after Christmas! So, I'm hoping the twins and their taking up more space will cause my rolls to collide by...say...Thursday!

Insomnia
My insomnia continues. DH almost died last night. (Read: I almost killed him). I fell asleep at 8:45 and I wake at 10:30pm to him clipping his fingernails in the spare bathroom which is about 3 steps from my head (if you didn't have to go through a wall).

Imagine it's you waking up to - Tink! pause. Tink! pause. pause. Tink! Tink! pause.

So, I jump him about that, he comes to bed, and immediately proceeds to snore and breathe loudly. So, I gather up my blankie and pillow and head to the couch. His phone is in the living room and begins ringing at 11:30. Which I guess I shouldn't complain about because its not like I had fallen asleep yet anyway, but still! It rings again, so I get up to check it, and his father has left him voicemail. I think to myself, Gee, its kind of late for his dad to be calling. Maybe I should take T the phone. So, I bring it to him, and he listens to the message. His dad is calling about a leaky water meter at his grandparents house!!!!!!! Where no one lives. Definitely wake my insomniac pregnant wife up kind of business!

So, I go back to the couch, relieved that there is no family emergency, and stay there until 6:30. I did sleep off and on, mostly off. I even tried a new technique - reading - which helped some. I was tired all day, but am going to try to force myself to stay up later tonight because I read that might help. It would also help if my husband tried to be more quiet. Any other foolproof methods?

Random Song of the Day

The Jordin Sparks song One Step at a Time has been playing on my XM a lot this week, and its been reminding me of our IVF journey and now our pregnancy. It seems like I always want(ed) everything right away, but we really did not get here overnight. It all happened in baby steps. And I don't know, the song is just so uplifting, that I thought I would share it with you in case it gave anyone hope.

Hurry up

and wait

So close, but so far away

Everything that you've always dreamed of

Close enough for you to taste

But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet

Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it

You know you can if you get the chance

In your face as the door keeps slamming

Now you're feeling more and more frustrated

And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take

One step at a time

There's no need to rush

It's like learning to fly

Or falling in love

It's gonna happen and it's

Supposed to happen that we

Find the reasons why

One step at a time

You believe and you doubt

You're confused, you got it all figured out

Everything that you wished for

Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours

If they only knew

When you can't wait any longer (you can't wait)

But there's no end in time (when you need to find the strength)

It's your faith that makes you stronger (the only way we get there)

The only way we get there

Is one step at a time

(14wk 5d)