Reality (13 Weeks!)

Since Tuesday, I have been 'feeling pregnant.' I mean, I can tell that the thickening in my waist is not just me putting on the pounds. (Speaking of which, I've gained back two of the five I lost the past few weeks)

And I am not freaking out about the spotting (which has diminished to something only I can see the past few days so its virtually gone). I can almost imagine that I feel them move sometimes when I'm laying in bed at night. Maybe I do. Maybe its gas.

I think it may have started with the maternity clothes. Wearing them, not buying them. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at work, and I had to go back and 'eek out' with glee over the image of what will be, what's almost there. I just have a much more positive, joyful outlook on this pregnancy. Like I'm starting to believe we're going to make it.

***

I have been really busy at work this week, and my current pace will continue through about December 15. It's insane, but temporary. And I am taking time for myself. I cancelled a trip to Denver in November, because I thought the walking in and around DIA (security, baggage claim, gates, rental cars, etc.) might bring on spotting. And I got my boss to give my tours of our MDP class on Tuesday while I came home and worked from my laptop.

It is very difficult for me to back out of things or to hold back ... for female reasons. I work in a male-dominated industry and company, and I worry that they will look at me differently if I start taking advantage of the 'family values' that I always promote when recruiting. I know that my life will change in ways that I cannot imagine, and that my priorities will not be the same, but my career is a huge part of my identity, and I want to be the one to say 'no' My worst fear is never being asked because they assume my family commitments will prevent me from whatever it is. I don't want opportunities to be taken from me. I don't want my mommyhood to define me as an employee.

At the same time, I know in my heart that there is nothing more important than me carrying these babies to term, and taking care of myself, for them. And when they're born, the most important thing will be our family - me, DH, and the twins.

I'm just struggling with the balance.

F This (12 wk 3d)

Ok, so episode 5 of Spot Fest 2008 has begun. Still brown. Still scary. Getting annoying.

I am so freaking tired of the spotting. Seriously? Both my RE and my OB told me to rest when it happened, so that must mean its serious enough to pay attention to, even if we have seen heartbeats after each of the previous 4 episodes.

I'm thinking I caused this. I think I overdid it on Friday. (OB said it could be caused by standing too much).

Friday, I worked all day, and I was feeling good, not nauseas for the first time in months, and so I was normal. I shopped for maternity clothes over the lunch hour, I worked until after 5, came home and got ready for our big anniversary date, and then, the walking back and forth into the Coliseum for Michael Buble, that's a lot more walking that I normally could stomach. Thankfully, that concert in particular did not require a lot of standing (old people can't stand that long, either). But still, I'm pretty sure that did it. How am I ever going to spend the next 6 months in bed all the time? I'm so disappointed that my body isn't more hearty, that I can't do normal things right now.

I had finished my maternity shopping yesterday by the time I noticed the spotting, so pretty much rested the rest of the day. I did go to my massage. And I did walk around the bookstore searching for something to read - in anticipation of not leaving the house today. I have plenty of work to keep me occupied here in the bed with my laptop, but STILL. I wanted to start enjoying the pregnancy and let go of my constant fear. And the tiniest tint of brown on the tp can send me into a tailspin. Grrrr.

So, to force myself to focus on something happy, here are some pictures of some of the clothes I bought yesterday. They're still a little big, but I'm in month 4 here (with twins!), so I'm expecting to pop out pretty soon. Oh, and they're much cuter in person. No, really, they are.

Anniversary Date (12wk 2d)

DH and I celebrated our 6th year of marriage last night (a week or so early, our anniversary isn't actually until the 19th). We both feel like it seems like a lot less, like maybe 3 years. I think that's a good sign.

I have finally been feeling better, so we had dinner out last night, and I ate more than just fries or a baked potato. I actually had a salad, which hasn't sounded good in about two months. DH's glass of wine smelled *so* delish, and I think it would have felt like more of a special occasion had I been able to drink with him, but obviously the health of our twins is way more important to me. I wasn't tempted, just thirsty.

Then, we saw Michael Buble in concert here in town. And it was perfect. Romantic. Funny. He's a great entertainer.

But ...

I'm used to going to concerts where if people are falling down, its because they're trashed.

And last night, we saw people falling down because they were old.

It wasn't raining. It wasn't icy. Old people just lose their balance and fall. And, apparently, Michael Buble has a lot of older fans.

***

I haven't had any more spotting (knock on wood) in over a week now. I am hoping, of course, that its gone for good.

Last night was my first night in 3 months that I did not have to give myself a shot somewhere.

Almost overnight, my symptoms have subsided. While I'm happy to be in my second trimester and feeling better, I, of course, being the freak show that I am, have a little nagging voice in the back of my head that worries its not the 12th week, but that something is wrong in there.

Next OB appt isn't for 10 more days.

DH and I talked a lot about genetic testing last night at dinner. I wish it wasn't even an option. I think we have decided to ask our OB his advice at our next appointment, and then reconsider our current stance. We're leaning away, not toward. Even though the thought of having a child with special needs frightens us.

I absolutely have to force myself to go shopping for some maternity clothes today. I had purchased some online, but the pants were so big, they were like those clown pants that have a hoop in them that hover about 6" away from the clown's waist. Everyone asks why I didn't just get a smaller size, but sadly, they were so ginormous, that I simply could not imagine them being at all flattering, even in a smaller size. So, off to the mall I go.