Family Drama (7wk 3 d)

So, I have been feeling super tired and nauseas all weekend. Hooray! (raises arm over head and begins celebratory fist pumping!) regardless of whether I take my pre-natal vitamin, there will be naps. Feeling crappy has got me feeling way better!

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DH is installing the hand rail to our basement in preparation for our home visit this Thursday for our foster care license. After that, I hope he will continue his work by congregating all the harmful chemicals in the garage behind locked doors. And then, dare I say this, I *think* we are done. We just need to flip the tot locks to 'on' and we're ready for the state. I can't believe we're this close.

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Had lunch today with DH's family to celebrate his mom's birthday. His step-father took DH outside after lunch and made some comment about how excited they are about the babies and how they 'hope' I don't keep them out of their lives. What?! Excuse me?! Like I've somehow kept their son out of their life?! I was aghast, but am going to NOT take it personal, and am going to let it go. T's JOB is what keeps him out of their life, and mine. The man works 6 to 7 days each week, and doesn't get home until almost 8 each night. He has no life. T joked on the drive home that the main reason he hasn't seen them as much since we got married is that he no longer goes to their house to do laundry. So, feeling a little bit falsely accused but letting it go, because I have no idea where this comment came from and so I'm trying not to get all pissy for no reason. However....

DH did point out to him that we are concerned about how well his mother does not get around. She is morbidly obese and has horrible knees. She has a handicap sticker. She can hardly walk, so we have concerns about her carrying the babies. T's step-dad reassured him that he is concerned about that, too, and will make sure the babies are in saucers or he's the one always doing the carrying.

I myself think this is all WAY premature. We aren't even out of our first trimester yet and she wants to buy car seats and cribs for HER house. While I appreciate their enthusiasm and know they will be excellent grandparents someday, I want to have kids for me, for us, for our family. I don't see me popping them out and dumping them at her house every weekend. Plus, I've spent days researching car seats. I would much prefer that she use the ones we buy. But even then, I asked T, Where does she plan on taking them? It's bizarre to me.

I have a couple other issues surrounding this deal. The first of which is that I'm super controlling in normal every day life. I am. I am organized. Efficient. I get stuff done, my way. I know that when I'm insecure, I become even more controlling. And I know that when we have two newborns at home that I will be even moreso. I will be worried about being a good mom and uncomfortable in my new role, so I will want to control every variable in the beginning. It's a part of who I am under normal healthy circumstances, so I think everyone should anticipate that when we do have kids. I will be a control freak of a mother, at first. As I become more confident and secure in that role, then I'll let up and become less b*tchy. But if you're already accusing me of shutting you out of the kids' life and they aren't even viable yet, then I think maybe I'm not the only one with a control issue. Hmmmmmm.

Sorry, just had to vent about that. I know they are excited. My MIL has been asking us when we were going to have babies since before we were married. And about a month before we found out we were pg had mentioned some backyard playground thing she wanted to buy. I love my MIL. She is wonderful and accepting and would have never made the comment to T that his step father did today. But she has also made me feel pressured to produce grandkids. That can be her one flaw.

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I found a new blog today, the Foster Family, which I thought was going to be about a family who took care of foster kids. But I guess their last name must be foster. They're having twin girls any day/week now. It was a google reader recommendation. Anyway, she had this makemebabies.com picture there, so I made one for us. I had to delete the boy because everytime I create it, he has red hair (no offense!) but here is the girl. I'm thinking of trying the boy again with a different pic of us.

One Sick Puppy (7 wk 1 d)

I say 7wk 1d, but I worry something's gone wrong and I no longer am pregnant, and I'll find this out next Thursday at my sonogram. And its all my fault. Here's why:

I stopped taking my pre-natal vitamin in the morning and have the past three days taken them in the evening about the same time as my progesterone injection. And so, I haven't been as nauseas or dizzy. Or, maybe not because of this, maybe because something tragic happened and I am no longer pregnant. So, at the risk of absolutely ruining my Saturday and spending it in bed, I am strongly considering taking tomorrow's pre-natal vitamin in the morning. If I don't get sick, I will have some sort of evidence to justify my worry. Plus....

The spotting has continued all week. I notice a slight discoloration on the toilet paper intermittently throughout the day, every day. Always slightly brown. Never pink. Never red. I know this is no reason to worry, but it still bothers me. I know I saw spotting the night before my last sono. And everything was just fine then. I know. I also haven't been as totally exhausted (although perhaps that is because I've been falling asleep by 9 every night so maybe the extra sleep is helping). And the boobs no longer hurt, like ever.

Spotting + no symptoms = worry. Even though I know it does me no good. Even though I have no concrete reason to worry. I hate to repeat myself, but I think this is the curse of infertility - never fully believing you are pregnant, or can stay pregnant, or have a healthy child. I don't want to worry, but I do. Maybe if I could just puke.

In other news, the leadership class has been going well. There is lots of food, which is nice. I haven't been too tired or nauseas (good for the class, bad for my worrying). I do notice I yawn a lot in the afternoons. But the people don't suck, and althought there are a few who seem full of themselves, in general, they are authentic and I am learning a lot from them.

Only six more days before our 8 week ultrasound. I'm anxious to be sure everything is okay. Duh! I hope I am made a fool by two healthy heartbeats in perfect size and substance.

Bathroom Humor (6wk 6d)

So, I have this rule about not going poo in public places. I am open about it, and often refer to it as a medical condition. I explain, "I have a shy bowel." There are probably less than 10 times in the 7 years I've worked for my current employer that I have gone #2 in the building. And I'm blaming most of those on laxatives, hangovers, and spicy queso. I will go days without going if I have to share a hotel room with my boss.

But today, I was finally getting some relief from some constipation, but not quite enough relief, so I got stuck, in the bathroom. With no reading material. I went first to the back panel of the air freshener can. Then, I resorted to the hand soap label. Left with no other 'relaxing' activities, I texted my sister and told her about my dilemma. Giggling from that exchange got me through this traumatic event. But, seriously, constipation stinks. And I would like my own private bathroom at all times.

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The spotting returned yesterday. It was there in the morning before I left for work. And I didn't see any more evidence for the rest of the day. Today, it has been hardly noticeable at all. The toilet paper at work is so crappy it looks grey all the time! But, I for sure saw some when I got home tonight. I wish, oh how I wish, it would just go away. I am not panicking. I have scheduled my next sonogram for NEXT Thursday. I think I could have 'accidentally' scheduled it for tomorrow and claimed ignorance, but I did not. I am strong. If the doctor says brown is old and nothing to worry about, then I'm going to go with that. But its hard. Very, very hard.

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I have two long days coming up tomorrow and Friday, and I'm a bit anxious about what all will happen. I am in this leadership program through the local chamber of commerce. And we have like 10 meetings in the next 3 months. Tomorrow, our first meeting, we meet from 12pm to 7:30pm. And Friday 8am to 5pm. I have no idea what we'll be doing, and I'm paranoid I'll be required to stand in some group activities and that I'll be dizzy or nauseas. I'm hoping we get to start with some introductions activity and I can tell everyone about the pregnancy, and then I won't have people thinking I'm a lazy fat cow because I sit and eat snacks all day. I'll have a medical excuse.

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Did I mention I'm worried about the spotting? But, I'm going to try to remember that the first time I saw spotting was the night before the sonogram last Thursday when we saw the twins' heartbeats and everything was okay then, so hopefully everything is okay now.