Where does the time go?

I've been gone forever!  I didn't mean to, but my life has just been that crazy since we moved to KC.

TWIN UPDATE
The boys will be 4 in a few weeks.  Can you believe it?  FOUR!  They are funny and ornery and testing us most days.  We are learning how to manage their behavior and working at being better parents.  Some days we are exhausted and lazy.  Other days we bake muffins and finger paint and go on adventures outside.  It helps when its nice enough to be outside.  I think we've all had some cabin fever this winter, which we weren't used to in Dallas.

I worry about Will.  He doesn't like to listen to his teachers.  I think he is bored, but that is really no excuse for being a terror.  And by terror, I mean just refusing to obey.  Making lion noises and not staying on his cot during nap time.  We are working on a reward system.  It works right away and we do it for like a week and then get lazy until he starts acting up again!  But I know he is smart, so I hope we can get past this.  He can write his name. He recognizes places we've only been once before, months ago.  Like we went to the mall yesterday - he had only been there once in December - and he asked, "is Santa here?"  And while my mom was here with the boys last week, she told him he couldn't do something and he said, "But momma's not here." Obviously, he knows he can't pull that crap when I'm around, but he was definitely hoping grandma wouldn't know any better!

I do not worry about Jack.  He isn't innocent, but he tends to get back in line sooner.  He is funny. Loves to dance and sing.  He can break dance and hula dance and sing this little song "Twinkle Twinkle Traffic Light". He recognizes numbers and announces them, reads clocks.  He laughs and giggles and fights over toys with his brother.  He loves family and our neighbors.  And play doh and the color pink.

They start soccer next Saturday, so I can finally achieve my lifelong dream of becoming a soccer mom.  All I need now is a minivan!  J/K.  But they will be the cutest little soccer players, and we're excited to get them into a club sport and out of the house.

HEALTH UPDATE
Tomorrow I go back on the Low Iodine Diet (LID) for the next three weeks in preparation for a full body scan on Friday, April 5th.  No reason for concern.  Just normal follow up.  My last scan was about 18 months ago, so its time.

I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE my new endocrinologist in KC.  He was a referral from one of our neighbors, Tina, who lives on the cul de sac behind us.  She had her thyroid removed a few weeks before we moved here.  Smaller tumor.  No radiation.  But still a connection right away.

So, today I bought all the low iodine groceries and tonight I started preparing meals.  I am such a picky eater, and not being able to eat anything restaurant prepared for three weeks is difficult for me.  Like tomorrow.  Work luncheon. I will be eating....oh, that's right....I can't risk it.....so....Sprite?!  But I'm just whiney.  I still think I have this totally easy compared to other, "real" cancers.  DH is bringing me some steak fajitas from OTB as my "last supper".  Love that guy.

LIFE IN KC
Things are better at work.  Its still a lot of pressure to do well, and a lot more people stuff than task stuff.  But it really is going well.  Definitely better than I thought it would be when I last posted

I am so lucky to have inherited a really well run company so I can take my time learning and not have to solve any major problems on day 1.  Here is a picture of me on Day 1 in my retro original logo, trying to prove that I was an OG.  Plus, it was windy and it kept the wind out of my hair.

DH has started as a commercial realtor.  No commissions yet, but he has co-workers and is enjoying the job.  And luckily my job pays well enough to support us.

Here is one of our family pics from this fall.  I always wanted to do a photo shoot in our bed.  The boys thought it was a blast.  And then I felt weird doing anything with the pictures, like maybe it was a little too intimate or something.

We have the BEST.NEIGHBORS.EVER!  Every Sunday night the ladies on the cul de sac behind us get together for "wine night" either at one of our houses or in the "hot tub" (not that I'm a hot tub person, but it doesn't suck).  We borrow tables and ski pants from each other.  We shovel each other's driveways.  Its pretty amazing, and something we've never ever had before.  I never even had this my whole life.

Here is a pic of us trick or treating with our neighbors last fall.

I have also joined a scrapbooking club.  They meet every other month and twice a year for an all-day crop.  I hadn't really kept up since the boys were born, so its been nice to get some pages done, but mostly I enjoy the girls in the group.

The best part about being in KC has been all the visitors!  This month, we have visitors Every.Single.Weekend!  My brother here was here for Thanksgiving.  My friend Tara has been to visit twice.  My mom and step-dad just left on Friday.  And when my grandfather passed away in January, I was able to drive up to Iowa in a moment's notice to see him, on a good day, before it was too late.  

KC is not Dallas.  I still miss our life there, and our house there, and the weather.  But it has been good in a lot of ways that Dallas was never going to be.  So, like an old boyfriend that I'll never get over, I still pine for Dallas.  

IF UPDATE

We still have our "totsicles" as I like to call them - embryos frozen for future use.  I can't give up the dream of having another child, no matter how tired I am or how much these dudes fight.  So, I keep paying the annual fee.  

I'm not sure I have enough energy to start from scratch again with diapers and up-all-night and all that, but I also just can't let go just yet.....

KC Month 2

So, I've had a stressful couple of weeks in my job.  I feel like venting.  So, you get an update. 

First, the good.  The boys are doing well.  Jack is pooping in the potty about 10% of the time now which is HUGE improvement.  I had a great day yesterday scrapbooking with some old friends who are also now my employees (cringe) and my husband has passed his MO realtor license.

Now, the bad.  You know how they say Its Lonely at the Top ?  Well, its true.  I miss my old boss in Dallas.  I miss how easy it was there.  I am not that happy during the day.   I have pockets of happy when someone is kind to me, or I feel like I was a part of something.  But overall, its just kind of rough.  I have amazing employees who tell me they're glad I'm here.  I have the guy who wanted my job who .... vascillates between mildly friendly to all out ignoring me.  And he's like the #2 guy in charge after me, so its kind of important that we're partners. 

I'm working on him.  And some other people issues.  People are trying to figure me out.  I'm trying to figure them out.  We'll get there.  We're just in this real uncomfortable stage right now.  And I'm particularly sensitive to it right now because I have this big person issue that I'm dealing with.  On top of 1 or 2 others.

This place basically runs itself, but....the people.  Its always the people.

{big sigh}

All positive energy appreciated.  I want this.  I can do this.  But its hard.

Post Move Update

Well, hello there!

Long time, no blog.

We have settled in our new home in Kansas City.  We are very comfortable here already - the boys can run circles around everything and they do!  They run in circles and they scream they want to live here forever.  As hard as living in an apartment was on me for 4 months, it apparently affected them more than they could tell us at the time.

Here, they ride their bicycles outside, they call the neighbor kids their friends, they can space out and find their own space.  Their elementary school is IN our neighborhood (for 2 years from now when they start). 

We were so wise to have the boys pre-enrolled in pre school when we moved.  After a weekend together in my car and my husband driving separate in his own car, they were done with me and I was done with them.  They love their new school and their new friends. 

I started my new job last Wednesday. Its been a slow start, getting adjusted to being the "boss" and all that goes with it.  Mostly, I just walk around and talk to people and never do any actual work.  Which is apparently my job.  It just feels weird and kinda lazy. 

My husband starts real estate classes next week.  He has been attending sales meetings and some continuining education courses already.  He really seems excited about ths new career, so I'm happy for him.  Hopeful he can do something that will be as rewarding to him as my company has been for me.

Our new house is a little intimidating for me.  For its newness and its niceness - wood floors and granite countertops. Since its brand new, every scar will be put here by us. The place where I ran my laptop into the wall.  The spot where Will spilled his juice on the carpet.  Its like we don't deserve a house this nice with two rambunctious twins. 

I've also been trying to make up for those 4 months of eating cereal for dinner every night by actually cooking for my family.  The downside is that my day seems shorter, because now I have prep time, cooking, eating, and then cleaning up and dishes.  Today, I tried a new recipe from Iowa Girl Eats.  I love her blog - mostly because I myself am an Iowa girl, and I also enjoy her recipes.  She's no Pioneer Woman, but her Trader Joe Knock Off Chili Lime Chicken Burgers are delish (I make mine with turkey)!  Today's recipe was a green monster smoothie.  I was all prepared to dump it down the drain if I caught the slightest whiff of spinach taste, but there is none.  Its filling and apparently healthy. 

I was about to pull my hair out with these wood floors - they are so dark that Every.Little.Speck shows up.  But yesterday, I discovered the Swiffer SweeperVac and I'm not one to give anything a shout out on this blog, but seriously?!  This is going to save my sanity - it picks up all the crumbs the boys drop under their stools and also dusts.  I will probably use it daily - and if you have wood floors, you need this.

Whew?!  There were a lot of links in this post, but I hope you'll enjoy something I've shared.  Now I must go because Jack has pooped in his pants {once again} and my poor DH is rinsing it in the sink and gagging. 

10 Days and Counting....

I am home with a sick little Will today.  On Saturday night, he was up All.Night.Long.  I literally got two hours of sleep between coughing fits.  And he had a fever.  And then when I gave him some Tylenol, he threw up. 

I was counting the minutes until I could take him to the urgent care for kiddos near our home.  He has some antibiotics and a diagnosis of strep on his side, though he tested negative for the in-office test, the doctor didn't make us wait a few days for the full lab results.  Whew!

He seems to better today, though he still had a fever when he woke up this morning.  I've  never seen him that sick before.  He actually slept on my lap while waiting to see the doctor. Poor little dude.

***

 

 

All four of us were laying in our bed Sunday morning, trying to squeeze a few more minutes of rest (notice I said rest, not sleep) out of what had been a harrowing night of trying to keep Will upright so as to reduce the coughing.

 

At about 6:15am, out of nowhere, we hear the guy in the apartment behind us....like literally behind our heads in bed....scream in the most enraged, scary, out of control way...something about not hitting him because he doesn't hit her.  And then their baby cried once.  And then there was some thuds.  And then maybe a car left.  The whole episode took about 30 seconds, but I'm still reeling from the violence in his rage.

 

I was frozen, panicked.  DH and I reached out our hands for comfort.  And I wondered to myself 1) when do I call 911? and 2) I wonder if we'll all be shot in bed from stray bullets?  I am being a bit dramatic, due to the fact that it didn't last all that long.  But it scared both of us enough we were still thinking about it as we laid down for bed last night. 

 

We have 10 days before we move to KC.  6 more nights in this apartment (thanks to a 4-night cruise in between).

 

I was not made to have my family live in an apartment, and although the past few weeks have passed by quite easily (I think partially because we booked the cruise! and had that to look forward to and also because my work schedule has been crazy busy) I'm just so ready to be in our new house.

 

 

 

 



Lil Buckeroos

I couldn't stop myself.  I am in love with this picture of the boys from this afternoon.

In Love

Donuts Make you Big and Strong

Nobody wants to listen to me whine.  Nobody!  Its so frustrating.  I've had so many visits with friends this week, and even had some friends invite us over for dinner last night, but I really just wanted to stay home and eat junk food. So, I think my social anxiety disorder is acting up. And that's why I've been feeling so lonely lately.  Its not you.....its me.

Yesterday, while DH was at the grocery store, I booked us a cruise.  To be fair, I had been talking about it with him, weighing the pros and cons.  So, it wasn't a totally crazy impulsive decision.  So, we're going to sneak in a mini vaca about a week before the move.  4 nights.  With the boys.  Out of Galveston, so we can drive....it will never be this cheap again.   That's a pro.  The con is the days off work DH will have to take without pay because he's out of vacation.  Which really just probably means his last day will move up, because after the cruise, he would only have 4 more days to work before we move anyway. 

And already I felt better.  Less depressed.  Less mopey.  And excited to have some quality time with DH while the boys are in the Kids Club!  And excited to have something to look forward to a few days before the move.

And then this morning .... the boys and I made homemade donuts.

I had seen the Pioneer Woman's version on her show a week or so ago.  And it reminded me of this recipe that my step-mom had made when I was little.  I think she made it once, it definitely made an impression!

You start with 3 simple ingredients: fridge biscuits, shortening, and sugar.

I neglected to get a picture of the boys cutting the "holes" out of the middle of the donuts.  We use a shampoo cap.  Seems to be the perfect size.  Once you get the holes cut, you fry the donuts in medium-high heat oil.

You flip them when you start to see the browning on the edges, which you can see in this pic.  Then, you let them sit on a paper towel to soak up some of the grease.

And then you dip them in sugar.

And then you enjoy the fruits of your labor

Here is a nice shot of the inside of the donuts.  I think this is when Will told Jack that Donuts make you big and strong.  He's always saying stuff like that these days.  Practicing phrases he's learned from big people.  Thankfully, he hasn't picked up my cussing just yet.

And here is a donut shadow puppet.  I'm thinking....duck?

22 Hours Round Trip

After that last post, I had the opportunity to go and see some of the family I have been missing so dearly.

My step-father's brother was diagnosed with terminal lunch cancer earlier this summer.  He has been in the hospital over 80 days since May.  And yesterday, the family met with a social worker to discuss palative care.  They will be placing him in a hospice facility this week.  If he makes it that long.

It was bittersweet. 

It was sad to see such a vital man, shrunk down into a shell physically while he was still there, 100% there, mentally.  I caught myself talking to him like I would someone who wasn't actually there.  But he definitely was there.  He had light in his eyes.  He flirted with me and the nurses, oh the poor nurses, he made a hand gesture to my step-father at one point that basically said he'd like to hit that.  So funny.  So leacherous.  So strong.  And yet his body is failing him.

On the plus side, I did get to see my mother and step-father as well as my aunt and their kids.  I was able to relieve a little burden while they held their family meeting by taking my cousin's kids to the movies.  It was 22 hours alone in the car round trip from Dallas to Omaha.  I drove up on Sunday.  And back on Monday.  I had to leave when I did.  They were having serious conversations with my uncle about moving him.  And he felt betrayed that they had met with the social worker behind his back.

So, I got home at 2:30am this morning.  Slept for about 4 hours.  And now am vegging out at home, watching The Vow.  I thought a good cry and a cart full of junk food might be good for me.  Because I am already settling back into what I've now termed the Dallas Depression.

It doesn't help that my friends are so wrapped up in all the things I wrote about before and not returning my calls.  Well, not promptly anyway.  They'll probably all call this week, but I really could have used them to keep me company while I was driving.

Tomorrow, its back to work for me.  Busy day tomorrow.  I need the distraction. 32 days to go....

35 days and counting

So....the weirdest thing happened to me yesterday.  My boss, my replacement and I were driving across town talking about our plans for the weekend.  Every minute that passed, I became more and more depressed.

Here I am. Staring down a weekend with no plans.  Feeling like we have nothing left for us here in Dallas.  But we can't leave.  We're stuck here until our closing date in September. 

There have been so many times in my life when I've felt like my life was on hold.  And when I say times, I mean years.  And I'm just kind of worn down from it all. 

We found out we were moving to KC back in February and kind of decided at that time, we would hold all our visits home until the move.

I started out the summer trying to make the most of it.  We have some play money to eat out and take vacations.  We are in an apartment, so we have no yard work or home improvements.  We should be having a blast.  And we did.  For the first few weeks.

But now, as the date of our move approaches, I am becoming more and more impatient to be there.  To be closer to friends and family we have neglected since we moved to Dallas.  I feel whine-y complaining about it.  For my little pity party.  I mean, its all a positive move.  But I think knowing about it so far in advance has really been too far in advance.  Too much time to think and be stuck knowing you have no future in your current surroundings.

And I feel stupid complaining to my girlfriends. They all have so much going on right now.  Friend S.  Her father was recently diagnosed with liver cancer and has been given 6-12 months to live.  Friend K. just had her 3rd baby on Monday, so she's not getting any sleep and probably feeling like she's neglecting her other two kids.  She has enough on her plate.  Friend T. just found out their second trip to India for IVF with a gestational carrier did not work on Monday.  Those are my three best friends who I would normally gush to, and my problem, my little pity party is really insignificant when you put it in perspective.  I mean, really petty.

And yet, even though I know its petty, this morose feeling does not go away.  I distract myself by taking the boys to the playground or getting their hair cut.  A date with DH tonight.

But I am sad to be stuck here.  And missing all those friends. And my family, too.  We haven't been home since November.  And I could pack up the car and go there now, except I know it would be foolish to drive the 12 hours today - because if I wait those 35 days it will only be a 3 hour drive.  It doesn't make sense.  It would be stupid to go now.  We've come so far.  And its so close. 

But despite what I rationally know, my emotional self still wants to be sad. 

Being here makes me feel sad.  Because we really didn't make any friends outside of work, and our work friends don't get together that often.  They're all busy with their own families, or visiting people because they aren't moving in 5 weeks.  I should be grateful, because it makes it easier to leave.  But instead my miserable heart choses to feel sad and lonely. 

This waiting is obviously not good for me.  I'm obviously somewhat depressed.  But I feel better - always - after sharing it here.  Helps me wrap my mind around what's going on.  And make sense of it all.  Even when its doesn't actually make sense.

Fear and Self Loathing

So, I have to be honest.

I am a little bit [completely] terrified that I am going to fail at my new job.

My current position is - as they say - in my wheelhouse.  It fits perfectly with my skill set.  I could do it in my sleep.

My new position requires knowledge and skills that are a stretch for me.

But everyone has faith in me.  One of the most brilliant people I have ever known (owner of our company) has chosen me to run this company for him.  I like to joke that he possibly had a stroke on the day he made this decision.  But he does know me.  For almost 9 years, we worked together, not quite side by side.  He knows how I say the wrong thing, how I get fixated, how I am relentless when I think someone is not carrying their weight, how I guesstimate, how I have zero attention to detail.  He knows me.  I think.

My new position requires me to have a new boss.

A new boss who I have been friends with for just about as long as I've been with this company (going on 11 years).  A new boss who I love drinking and talking with.  But who can be ... impatient with my whole saying the wrong thing at the wrong time (he told me a few months ago - and I quote - You don't ALWAYS say the wrong thing. Which he meant and I took as reassurance.  But he may not like my direct style.  He is the king of manipulation.  Which I find disingenuious so I avoid it.  Oh, and did I mention I'm following him? Taking his position? in which he has excelled for that past 5 years.  Not really my favorite upward mobility strategy.  I personally prefer to follow a failure.

My new position requires me to supervise the guy who didn't get this job.

My new partner, or the guy who should be my partner, is the guy who was also up for this job.  And I get to supervise him.  And although I have way more leadership, project management, institutional knowledge, and all around "success" experience and am a more dynamic [wo]man of the people, he totally has more product and industry knowledge than me.  And he's all aloof all the time which makes him appear more mature, but the people ran a smear campaign to keep him from getting the job.  But somehow I always feel inferior with him.  Lately, I've been ignoring him because that somehow makes me be on equal footing with him aloof-ness-wise but I hate playing games.  And I hate the way I feel around him.  So, there's that.  Its like he's always in control of the conversation.  Where's the subservience people?!?!

But its not all bad.  I have known these people for years, dreamed of being a part of their team, and never dreamed I would be their leader.  All the people smearing my competition were vocally campaigning for me.  And have been so supportive already and on an ongoing basis leading up to this move.  I get to be closer to my family in Iowa than I have been since 1995.  Yes, 1995.  Almost 20 years!  My boys will know their cousins and their grandparents and great-grandparents.  Its going to be so stinking good for our family.

And I get to be the boss.  And run my own business.  With someone else's money.  And make it my own.  Our own, with the people who I know are industry leaders.  Its an amazing opportunity.  And nothing worth having ever came easy, right?

I just needed to share with you all how insecure I am about the move, when I actually think about it.  That its out of my league, that I may have Peter-principled myself.  That my ambition may be my achilles heel.  That I may have peaked at 35.  That my friend, who will now be my boss, won't like me anymore when I don't measure up to the way he did this same job.  Even though I know in my heart I will do better in the end, and my means will justify that end.  I mean, I won't do it the same way.  And he may not like that.

Okay.  Enough of that.  Just had to get it out there.  My DH believes in me so solidly, he can't relate.  And there really is no one else I can reveal this weakness to right now.  No one who understands, anyway - they just give me platitudes of You'll get there!  You're crazy!  You were meant for this! Etc. Etc. ETc..  Its a lonely spot to be in.  Thanks for letting me share this weakness here.  Its cathartic.

Purgatory Funk

So, we are moving to KC in about 49 days.  About. Ha! 

DH and I are in a funk.  Not with each other.  But with our life.  We are just in a holding pattern once again.  Seriously, life is just one big game of hurry up and wait. Am I right? 

We sold our house in 4 days.  Moved into this apartment.  We have 49 days left in this apartment.  A few weeks ago I went to KC by myself and found a house that we're buying, and although it costs more than our house here in Dallas, the payments will actually be similar because interest rates are so stinking low right now.  Although if I think about our old house, I could cry real tears, I am happy with our new house.  The styles are so different between here and there so its hard to compare. 

Big plus: daycare is like so much cheaper in KC.  Downside: we don't pay state income tax here, but we will in KC.  Everything is a double edged sword.

But I digress.

We are in a funk because in the beginning of the summer we had this bucket list of things we wanted to do and see before we move.  But now we really have done most or all of those items and we're just ready to move into the new house.  Actually, finding the new house was probably our demise because now we can picture ourselves there.  And so we're so over our life here in Dallas, which is probably exasperbated by the apartment life.

So, anyway, we're so over it.  So. So. So. So. over it.  So, although I still love my job here and the people I work with, DH is negative and crabby about it all.  I just want to drink beer or wine and eat carbs.  Self medicating.   49 days and counting.....{big sigh}

The boys are great.  Jack finally overcame his whole crying when I dropped him off at school routine.  But he still cannot get past the whole pooping in the potty deal.  I need to call their new school in KC and make sure they don't need to be completely potty trained before they start there.  They say the cutest things, they know so much. I mean, they know what pollution is.  WTF?  They should probably take the mensa test now, right?!

I'm a little nervous about my DH's new career in KC.  He's going to be taking the exams to be a licensed commercial realtor.  Which means we've set our budget to live off my income plus savings.  We have enough to get us by for about 2 years.  Even the worst realtor in the world can land a commission in two years, right?!  I mean, I think we've planned conservatively.  And in two years, the boys won't have daycare, they'll be a part of the public school system (thank you, taxpayers!) so we won't even need his income. 

So, I've basically rambled to you about everything that's been on my mind in the past few days.  Definitely ready for my life to move forward.  In the meantime, the diet is in the trash can and we're still trying to make every day happy for the dudes.  This weekend, we're headed to the circus!  Will is going to be so excited!

And to reward you for reading through this whining, here's a pic of our family vaca to Sea World in June.  If only there was such a fun place between here and KC we could visit while waiting for our furniture to be delivered by the movers in 49 days!

Do Over

Some days...very early on...I just feel overwhelmed by how much is not going my way and wish I could have one of those wonderful things of my youth - the Do Over!  Here was my day...

I have been chosen to sit in the courtroom in Tyler, TX for 1-2 weeks at the end of the month (depending on how long the trial lasts) during the litigation where we’re sued by the people who pulled out in front of our driver last year in February.

To do this, I had to clear my calendar which included an appointment with my endocrinologist (read: doctor who helps me keep the thyroid cancer way).  He is impossible to get in to.  And his next available appointment was in October, after we move to KC.  But he is a good doctor and I wanted to stick with him and have a sonogram of my thyroid before I move.  Miraculously, when she searched backwards, the appointment setter found me an appointment at 11am today.  Sold!

Unfortunately, Jack also had an appointment this morning at 8:40am previously scheduled as a follow up to the corneal abrasion he had last week, just to make sure everything had healed.

So, I asked DH last night to take the kids to school this morning for me so I could work from home for about an hour before I went to go pick up Jack from school to take him to the eye doctor.  Not starting to think he's not so D. H. gave me some questions about “why” this was important.  He didn’t really say no, and he may have just been curious but I always hear it like it’s a major inconvenience for him.  And if he thinks that’s an inconvenience, then he should try to take the boys to their appointments!

We also need to keep the house in tip top shape because we still have backup showings that pop up mid-day and we can’t run home and clean up for them, plus the appraisal was today and we definitely want it to appraise for as much as we’re selling it for, so … DH had done nothing around the house so while he was in the shower this morning, I was folding and putting away laundry for him, me and the boys, making beds, emptying trash cans, emptying the dishwasher, reloading the dishwasher, cleaning his dishes from yesterday that were on the stove, etc. etc. etc.

 As I retrieved Jack from school to take him to his appointment, I noticed my shirt was wet, and that was because Jack had leaked through his pull up and now I was wearing his urine on my shirt.  Plus, his shorts were soaked.  So, I decided I would change him in the bathroom when we got to the eye doctor.

But I couldn’t find the eye doctor, and by the time I got turned around and actually got to the correct parking lot, I realized it’s a huge complex and every way I turn either leads me to an exit or doctor parking.  Luckily, I had been on hold with their office for about 5 minutes to notify them that we were lost and so they were able to talk me in from the parking lot.

Whipped in, got Jack changed, and went to his appointment where he was wonderful.  I mean, he cried when they put drops in his eyes, but he was patient and funny and did everything they asked.  Bright spot in my day is how wonderfully smart and funny and sweet that boy is.  Hard to believe he came from me!

The only problem was they dilated his eyes and they didn’t tell me it would require an additional 15 minutes of just waiting for that to work before we could be seen again.  Which made the time between Jack’s appointment ending (10:15) and my appointment starting (11:00) in Dallas too short for me to take him back to school before going to my appointment, which meant I had to take him with me.  And I wouldn’t be able to get him back to school in time for lunch or naptime, so I basically knew at that point I was going to have to fake a full day of vacation and do zero of the things I’d like to do with a vacation day. Like shop. Or get a pedicure.  Or read 50 Shades of Grey.  Or try a new recipe. Or exercise. Or sleep.

So, we get to my doctor’s appointment early – 10:45 and wait for A FULL FUCKING HOUR before I’m frustrated and tired of entertaining Jack so I ask the receptionist how much longer its going to be, to which she replies there’s still another person in front of me waiting to go back.  So, I instantly become unglued but utter only two sentences.  1) I’m leaving.  And as I’m storming out with Jack 2) I’ll find another doctor.  I’m partially mad at myself for not calling to see if they were running on schedule, but if those inconsiderate sons of bitches could have just called ahead, I could have taken Jack back to school, arrived closer to the time he would see me rather than my appointment and probably been in a much better mood despite the 10 things that had already gone wrong today.

So, I drove home.  Jack ate lunch and napped.  I called into a conference call for work during the nap.  And then I dropped my sweet little one off at school so I could have some time to myself.   And made up for the day, partially, by dropping some paperwork off at the title office for our closing in a few weeks.  And I got a pedicure.  And I did some shopping.  I need some new clothes for my new job, and the trial, and this fishing trip I'm going on this weekend.  Plus, with all this stress, I've been eating lots and lots of carbs and chocolate and drinking plenty of carby beer and wine so I'm a bloated cow.

Ok.  For tomorrow, I'm calling it.  Do.Over.

Hunger Games

It could be the title to my life right now Hunger Games. Because I am watching what I eat very
closely to take off what I gained over the winter. Almost there!

But it is also the title of the book I read in like 40 hours this weekend, plus packed in a ton of
other activities. I am a mad woman when it comes to getting this house ready to put on the marked. mad.woman. Between decorating and hanging things and buying things and returning things and hiring people, I'm working at breakneck speed to meet our 4/16 deadline. And, of
course, we are hosting the boys' 3rd birthday (robot party!) the day.before.we.list. Smart, right?! Or not.

Anyway, loved the book. Enhaled it, really, and am looking forward to returning the power washer my DH and I borrowed from our friends tomorrow night so I can borrow yet
another item from them (they're givers!) which is Catching Fire the second in the Hunger Games trilogy.

{sigh}

Yes, I am totally into another teen series. Its almost as bad as my addiction to Sixteen and
Pregnant and Teen Mom.

DH spent two days of his life power washing our fence this weekend and is out playing golf with friends this afternoon. I also was DD last night so he could embibe at dinner. (I'm a giver, too!) (Especially when he's doing manual labor that I abhore!) That meant the boys and I were batching it most of the weekend. They were good little shopping buddies yesterday for hours and hours. So, today I felt like staying home. They're having a movie night after I treated them to a
bath in my garden tub. And after they helped me make dinner. I'm all about ground turkey recipes on Pinterest these days.

So, I'm not about to turn this into a foodie blog, but I did want to share these
pics

Here is the obligatory ingredient shot. The recipe was some sort of Asian Turkey Meatball

When I started there was only one little boy awake,

so it seemed like the perfect quiet afternoon activity

Will was very proud of himself! I'm pretty sure a professional blogger would have cropped all the crap on the counter out of this pic, and actually shot this pic with a decent camera, not the $100 discount camera she carries for work.

I think his favorite part was juicing the lime.

Look who woke up and joined us!

Momma, you funny!

12 little meatballs sitting in the pan

And voila!

MWF Seeking BFF - A Review

Last night, I finished the book MWF Seeking BFF. I really wanted this book to be funnier. Maybe I've read too much Chelsea Handler or Jen Lancaster. Maybe I really only like snarky non-fiction. That's not to say I didn't like the book. I found it interesting, except for all the statistics she included - like how much healthier we are if we have friends, or quotes from others about how to make friends. I want to say it was inspirational, that now I can go out and seek my own new BFFs but really it made me feel inspired, but I doubt my behavior will change.

Case in point, I was at Target on my lunch break today (yes, I do occassionally sneak out for lunch) and this woman who was wandering around the toddler clothes told me how much she hates boys clothes because girl clothes are so much cuter. And I typically agree, though there are some cute things out this season, thank you, Targhetto! But I just smiled politely and keep on searching for this robot tshirt that I need for the boys upcoming 3rd birthday party. I wasn't exactly rude, but I definitely wasn't exhibiting any "friend me" signals.

I mailed the book to my friend Steph. A true BFF in back in Wichita. I think she'll enjoy it the same way I did. It gave me a chance to tell her how grateful I am for her friendship, and that I was thinking of her. She and I have had what we call "bad breakups" with girlfriends in the past. And I know she wishes she had more close female friends. Don't we all?

One of the ways that the author of this book made friends during her "52 girl dates" in one year was through people who responded to her blog. I have a couple of people I've sincerely and what I think is deeply connected with on this blog ... you know who you are! ... maybe we're friends on FB or have exchanged emails and not just comments here or at their blog. All IF friends. All people who live too far away to be good friends today, but who I am happy to have in my blogosphere.

Next book: The Hunger Games. I know. Its a cliche. But I have to catch up. I have a feeling it won't take me long to finish the first book.

And then I can get back to adult literature.

New Books

I splurged and bought 3 books on Amazon this past weekend and they arrived today and I am so totally stoked to get reading!

The Hunger Games because it is what everyone in my family was recommending two months ago, not just because the movie is coming out. My sister-in-law took it everywhere with her - basketball games, dinner with her kids, everywhere! So, its gotta be good, right?

I also got the new Jen Lancaster novel - yes! fiction! - so excited to read her fiction because all of her other books have all been autobiographical. So fun!

And....I already started reading this one within 1 minute of walking in the door tonight - MWF seeking BFF. About ... wait for it ... a married white female seeking a best friend as an adult. As someone who has the best BFFs every from childhood, who all live hours and hours and hours away from me, I am hoping this will make me feel better - other women seek this out, as well! And maybe I will find a path to find new besties in KC.

Yay for new books!!!!!

I Want to Celebrate My Birthday like YOU do

So...I had a very good couple of days last week.

On Monday, my boss and I drove to Wichita and I had my interview for the big KC job. I made a VP get out of my "lucky chair" where I had accepted my job in Dallas only two years before. After my interview, I enjoyed dinner and a movie with friends from Wichita who I never seem to get enough time with. My dear friend S. was there - she and I share the same birth-day. Same day. Different years. She's older, which I enjoy pointing out.

On Tuesday, I celebrated my birthday all.day.long. About 30 guys serenaded me, which was actually very good. I got the first beer of the day as a gift during a work meeting. Everyone else had to earn theirs! I continued the celebration at dinner and drinking until late in the night while cuddled up on a hotel sofa surrounded by new and old friends from work. It was a good day.

On Wednesday, we finished up our meetings. My competition had his interview. And about 10 minutes later, the owner of our company called me. I was somewhere in Oklahoma at the time, and couldn't hear anyone on the line. So, I hung up. And he called back...."A., this is Walter, please don't hang up!" And then.....he offered me the job! Which I of course accepted while slapping my boss in the arm. As girls will do. While he was driving about 80 mph. I was a little spastic. A little speechless.

I couldn't tell anyone until the official word had gone out to the team in KC so didn't get to share the news until Thursday night with my own family.

And now....I'm still a little in disbelief. Still excited and flattered by the job they're giving me. But also a little .... mid-winter lazy, I guess.

When we moved to Dallas, it was all rush-rush. I took the job, that night we called a realtor. The next day she came over. The next day she listed it. The next day we had a showing. The next day we had an offer. And less than 4 weeks later we were moved!

So far, I have called a brick guy to quote the sidewalk that needs repaired on our front walk and made a list of some other minor things - flowers to plant, places that needs some touch up paint where sippy cups have rebounded, etc. etc. etc. Nothing big.

{sigh}

It all just seems like SO much work.

Since this to me is a safe place, I can admit to you hear that I am a little concerned that we will look back at these days as the best in our life. That we will think we had it so good when we lived in Texas. That life was perfect. And that by taking this job I am somehow messing with perfection. I will desperately miss my boss. And his family {btw, saw the Jean Paul Gaultier show at the Dallas Museum of Art this weekend with boss's wife and daughter - and wow - how shee shee!}. And the people here. And our perfect house. And how easy it is for me to be incredibly successful.

And really, on a day to day basis, I'm not sure I could be happier than I am with my current boss. I mean it. I'm like...totally...co-dependent.

But I am desperate to be back near our family. We will be just 3 hours from his and hers (mine and his). Which means we won't waste all of our vacation days traveling to see family and maybe we can actually take real vacations. AND see our family more often. And the boys will know their cousins and their grandparents as more than just the people we visit once a year. Win-Win!

But today, looking down the barrel of selling our dream home, packing and moving and finding a new place to live and shop and for the boys to spend their happy little days sounds like entirely too much work. I just feel....lazy.

Had a Bad Day

So, I had a bad day. It seems like so much of what has been churning around me has started to come crashing down around me. So, a little whining to vent it all and then some reality check. Are you in?

***

My company is being sued by several people who were involved in an accident where the driver of their vehicle was cited for an illegal left turn/failure to yield to oncoming traffic. Our driver was not cited. Yet we are being sued. So...today I had my first meeting with our lawyer. And on Wednesday at 9am I go to my deposition.

I want to do a good job. To tell the truth. Without volunteering additional information that might cost us money. Its a lot of pressure because...

***

as you've heard, I am still in the running for a new job in KC. My interview is a week from today at 4pm back in Wichita. I can't even think about preparing for that interview until I get past this deposition. All matters of prep will unleash at that time. Because I so want this job to be closer to my family, because its the chance of a lifetime, and the money would be oh so good but also

***

we have such a good life here where the money is good enough and I could {never ever fail}. Its all so safe and happy (aside from the lawsuit, of course). And I've already had my husband move once, and now I'm asking him to move again, which hurts his resume and all that, so there's some pressure at home even though he's supportive and wants the move, I still have some self-imposed guilty. And then suddenly

***

a former employee sent me a threatening email last night, and I spent most of the day {when I wasn't preparing for my deposition with our lawyer} writing him back and running my response thru our HR office and our employment law attorney. So, I hit send at 5:18pm and he writes me back at 5:23 I really wish you wouldn't have responded back. Take care which at first just angered me because I was really trying to help him. But the more I read it, the more threatened I feel - like he's gonna get me, or come by our store and wreak havoc. I'm trying not to let it freak me out. So, to destress...

***

I'm watching the Real Housewives reunion and I hate 5 chocolate chip cookies and I'm on my second glass of wine which is just wretched for my figure but good for my stress. And I let

***

all of this keep me from my boys tonight, who are the most life giving piece of my life right.now. But I'm okay, just venting, and grateful to have this life and these problems and got myself some real perspective when I started

***

reading some IF blogs I had lost touch with in the past year or so. People who are still losing babies and retrieving eggs and all those familiar and unfamiliar terms. I feel like I left them behind, their journey, their struggle, something that was so much a piece of me not that long ago.

My friend T is enjoying her adventure in India. She started a blog. She emails me everyday. She {loved} the care package. She sent me a picture today of the sad little room where her DH had to submit his swimmers. Men! Only they could get excited in a room like the one I saw! And THAT is funny!

***

If you care to, please pray for my friend T on her big adventure; please pray for me and my deposition, my job interview, and my safety so my former employee doesn't come get me tomorrow or really anytime until I can safely relocate to KC :)

Ambient Stress Relieved

I realized this morning how much stress the baby shower for my friend L. had been causing me. Every day. Every night. Almost every thought was permeated with a checklist of things I should be researching, buying, making, organizing, creating, etc. The results are in the pics below. It was a great afternoon celebrating new life in our little circle of friends here in TX. And I was proud of how cute everything came out. Most of the credit is due to the other hostess. Can you believe people stayed {4 hours} ?!?!

I sent my care package to my friend T. today and took Jamie's advice {thanks friend!} and sent a funny book - Shit my Dad says - His and Hers magazines, some makeup I didn't like {she loves my castoffs and always asks for them} and also some caramel corn and my new favorite mascara. And ... all my love. I am sending Miss T. all my love as she heads to India in search of her BFP via surrogate!

And now I can focus on the {robot} birthday party for my boys coming up in April. Can you believe they're going to be 3??

And now....the pics!

That's me in the blue dress - see! I don't even look flat chested in this dress!

Given my love for the cereal, I can't believe I didn't think this up before -

Fruity Pebbles made into Rice Krispie treats. Yum-o!

The Table....the theme was shes.ready.to.pop. so we had lots of pop-themed items, cake pops, popcorn, snap crackle pop, etc.

The party favors - little take out boxes with a cake pop to take home.

Care Package Ideas - ??

Quick update on me:

The Boobs
Still adjusting to the boobs, or lack there of. I now have my full range of motion, and am working on scar treatment (bio oil and silicone pads with massage). A 'C' cup bra is still too big for me, but again, I have promised to wait 6 months. And really, I just this week reached the 6-week mark. I promise to wait it out, but between you and me, let's just say I've still got my eye on some implants.....

Kansas City Here we Come ?????
Still no word on whether or not we'll be moving to Kansas City. Should know by the end of February. My boss now says the odds are 98/2 that I'll get it, and he's looking for my replacement and my DH is driving.me.nuts obsessing over where to live. {sigh}

Care Package Ideas

But the REAL reason for my post is I'm looking for care package ideas for my friend T who is traveling to INDIA in just under 3 weeks to undergo everything up and through egg retrieval to have IVF on her surrogate from INDIA. And of all people in the world you would think me, who has been through two rounds of IVF and a couple rounds of AI would know what to send. But I REALLY want my ideas to be special and this gift to be AWESOME....so do any of you have any ideas???????

Prayers
Also, prayers appreciated for my dear friend K who is 9 weeks pregnant. She has had more miscarriages than I can count, two live healthy fabulous children, no money, and a tumultuous relationship with her husband. She may be bi-polar. After her last miscarriage, she was going to get things taken care of so she couldn't medically get pregnant again and not have to suffer the loss again, because emotionally she didn't think she could sustain it, but she didn't because she can't let go of the thought of having another. Prayers.Greatly.Appreciated for K.

Thanksgiving 2011

I have so much to be thankful for every single day. I have a great job. A beautiful home. A generous and loving husband who is also handsome and smart and funny. And more importantly, a wonderful father to the best boys a girl could have. I am laying in bed watching a Law & Order rerun while the boys watch Dinosaur Train. I'm a bit dizzy from the pain meds....because I had my boobs removed on Monday.

Well. Not technically removed. But it feels like it. I mean, I've been large chested since junior high and so to have nipples that are smaller than a dinner plate, and that point out and not down is just going to take me awhile to get used to. And the size, oh, the size. That may be the biggest adjustment of them all, because when the nurse in the hospital asked me what I thought of my post-op bra, all I could think is that it looked empty. I've never had an empty bra before. So, I'm having a big of post-operative remorse, but I'm sure I'll be pleased as punch in 6 months or so. Seriously, I could buy training bras at Justice now. Although they tell me I'm a 'C' I guess I had no idea how small that would be.

I'm trying to wein myself off the pain meds. I'm down to half a pill every 6 hours. But this afternoon I plan to move on to plain old Tylenol. These narcotics make me so sleepy! Which is fine at night, because I have to sleep sitting up for two weeks and so can use the help. But not fun during the day when I can't even finish a commercial without snoozing.

My DH and I prepared Thanksgiving dinner which is in the oven right now, and on the stove, and in the fridge. It seriously took like 20 minutes to get everything prepapred. I don't get what the big deal is....but then again, I'm only cooking for 4. I was definitely motivated by my grandmother's mashed potatoes. If that's all I eat today, I will be just fine.

My brother and his family will be here for a few hours tomorrow. I'm excited for my boys to get to play with their cousins. And I'm excited for my me to see my family for a little while. They've never been to any of our homes. In all these years. So, it means a lot that they're coming over while they're in town visiting my SIL's brother's in-laws.

I don't really have anything else going on. No word on whether or not we'll be moving to KC. Should know in the next few weeks, I suppose. Will be interesting to go back to work and try to function when I can't lift my arms above my head. And hoping that no one will notice that I am now completely flat chested. I'll be fine. Really, I will. But I can't lie to you. It's really flat. And although I wanted this, and I still think I want it, I've already teased my husband that next I'm getting implants! :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

About That....

About that post I wrote a week or so ago where I drove everyone nuts worrying about all the "what ifs" surround my boss possibly moving to Colorado and me not being able to go with him????


Well.....they offered him a chance on Friday and he turned them down.

And they immediately offered me a chance to go to Missouri for another job.

That's right. The owner of my company flew down to have lunch with my boss, and then with me, to let us throw our hats in the ring for promotions.

The owner and VP of Ops are acting like I'm already in Kansas City. The VP actually asked me who I was going to tell on my current staff....to which I said, I thought I would wait until they actually made an offer.

It's all very complex and a lot of dominoes are involved, and yes, the VP and owner would pick me. That was plan 18 months ago when I accepted this job - that it would be good training ground to go run our company in KC. And I remember the owner saying the exact words that helped me decide to take the job ... "I don't think 3 years would be too long to train before running KC." But there is another interested party, who already lives there, who is very good, and who is just as likely to get the job. The job starts 1/1/13. We would need to sell the house we just bought 6 months ago, which would cost us a fortune. But my boss tells me "if you get the chance, you'd better take it." I assume the money we lose on the house would be regained the first year in salary alone.

They will continue these flights around to the various divisions for the next few weeks, and hope to have a plan in place by January. So, for now, they know I'm interested. And my boss knows its a possiblity that I'll go. And we wait. Lucky for me, my backup plan should they not offer me the job is pretty stellar. I get to stay here with my wonderful boss, job, home, and life in Texas. Its win-win.

So, the VP job goes to one of two people. If A. takes that job, then S. takes A's job. And I could have S's job. If A does not take the VP job, then S takes the VP job, and I could still have S's job.
Or they could give it to T.

I'm trying not to think about it. 15 days from now I'm getting my breast reduction. And then my family will be here for Thanksgiving. We'll go to Kansas for Christmas, Indiana for New Year's. Its a busy few months.

And after that, everything will be normal or everything will be completely different.

Wish us luck!