Infertility Bites

Had a Bad Day

2012-01-30T18:18:00.000-08:00

So, I had a bad day. It seems like so much of what has been churning around me has started to come crashing down around me. So, a little whining to vent it all and then some reality check. Are you in?

***

My company is being sued by several people who were involved in an accident where the driver of their vehicle was cited for an illegal left turn/failure to yield to oncoming traffic. Our driver was not cited. Yet we are being sued. So...today I had my first meeting with our lawyer. And on Wednesday at 9am I go to my deposition.

I want to do a good job. To tell the truth. Without volunteering additional information that might cost us money. Its a lot of pressure because...

***

as you've heard, I am still in the running for a new job in KC. My interview is a week from today at 4pm back in Wichita. I can't even think about preparing for that interview until I get past this deposition. All matters of prep will unleash at that time. Because I so want this job to be closer to my family, because its the chance of a lifetime, and the money would be oh so good but also

***

we have such a good life here where the money is good enough and I could {never ever fail}. Its all so safe and happy (aside from the lawsuit, of course). And I've already had my husband move once, and now I'm asking him to move again, which hurts his resume and all that, so there's some pressure at home even though he's supportive and wants the move, I still have some self-imposed guilty. And then suddenly

***

a former employee sent me a threatening email last night, and I spent most of the day {when I wasn't preparing for my deposition with our lawyer} writing him back and running my response thru our HR office and our employment law attorney. So, I hit send at 5:18pm and he writes me back at 5:23 I really wish you wouldn't have responded back. Take care which at first just angered me because I was really trying to help him. But the more I read it, the more threatened I feel - like he's gonna get me, or come by our store and wreak havoc. I'm trying not to let it freak me out. So, to destress...

***

I'm watching the Real Housewives reunion and I hate 5 chocolate chip cookies and I'm on my second glass of wine which is just wretched for my figure but good for my stress. And I let

***

all of this keep me from my boys tonight, who are the most life giving piece of my life right.now. But I'm okay, just venting, and grateful to have this life and these problems and got myself some real perspective when I started

***

reading some IF blogs I had lost touch with in the past year or so. People who are still losing babies and retrieving eggs and all those familiar and unfamiliar terms. I feel like I left them behind, their journey, their struggle, something that was so much a piece of me not that long ago.

My friend T is enjoying her adventure in India. She started a blog. She emails me everyday. She {loved} the care package. She sent me a picture today of the sad little room where her DH had to submit his swimmers. Men! Only they could get excited in a room like the one I saw! And THAT is funny!

***

If you care to, please pray for my friend T on her big adventure; please pray for me and my deposition, my job interview, and my safety so my former employee doesn't come get me tomorrow or really anytime until I can safely relocate to KC :)

Ambient Stress Relieved

2012-01-16T10:05:00.001-08:00

I realized this morning how much stress the baby shower for my friend L. had been causing me. Every day. Every night. Almost every thought was permeated with a checklist of things I should be researching, buying, making, organizing, creating, etc. The results are in the pics below. It was a great afternoon celebrating new life in our little circle of friends here in TX. And I was proud of how cute everything came out. Most of the credit is due to the other hostess. Can you believe people stayed {4 hours} ?!?!

I sent my care package to my friend T. today and took Jamie's advice {thanks friend!} and sent a funny book - Shit my Dad says - His and Hers magazines, some makeup I didn't like {she loves my castoffs and always asks for them} and also some caramel corn and my new favorite mascara. And ... all my love. I am sending Miss T. all my love as she heads to India in search of her BFP via surrogate!

And now I can focus on the {robot} birthday party for my boys coming up in April. Can you believe they're going to be 3??

And now....the pics!

That's me in the blue dress - see! I don't even look flat chested in this dress!

Given my love for the cereal, I can't believe I didn't think this up before -

Fruity Pebbles made into Rice Krispie treats. Yum-o!

The Table....the theme was shes.ready.to.pop. so we had lots of pop-themed items, cake pops, popcorn, snap crackle pop, etc.

The party favors - little take out boxes with a cake pop to take home.

Care Package Ideas - ??

2012-01-06T13:52:00.000-08:00

Quick update on me:

The Boobs
Still adjusting to the boobs, or lack there of. I now have my full range of motion, and am working on scar treatment (bio oil and silicone pads with massage). A 'C' cup bra is still too big for me, but again, I have promised to wait 6 months. And really, I just this week reached the 6-week mark. I promise to wait it out, but between you and me, let's just say I've still got my eye on some implants.....

Kansas City Here we Come ?????
Still no word on whether or not we'll be moving to Kansas City. Should know by the end of February. My boss now says the odds are 98/2 that I'll get it, and he's looking for my replacement and my DH is driving.me.nuts obsessing over where to live. {sigh}

Care Package Ideas

But the REAL reason for my post is I'm looking for care package ideas for my friend T who is traveling to INDIA in just under 3 weeks to undergo everything up and through egg retrieval to have IVF on her surrogate from INDIA. And of all people in the world you would think me, who has been through two rounds of IVF and a couple rounds of AI would know what to send. But I REALLY want my ideas to be special and this gift to be AWESOME....so do any of you have any ideas???????

Prayers
Also, prayers appreciated for my dear friend K who is 9 weeks pregnant. She has had more miscarriages than I can count, two live healthy fabulous children, no money, and a tumultuous relationship with her husband. She may be bi-polar. After her last miscarriage, she was going to get things taken care of so she couldn't medically get pregnant again and not have to suffer the loss again, because emotionally she didn't think she could sustain it, but she didn't because she can't let go of the thought of having another. Prayers.Greatly.Appreciated for K.

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-24T08:50:00.000-08:00

I have so much to be thankful for every single day. I have a great job. A beautiful home. A generous and loving husband who is also handsome and smart and funny. And more importantly, a wonderful father to the best boys a girl could have. I am laying in bed watching a Law & Order rerun while the boys watch Dinosaur Train. I'm a bit dizzy from the pain meds....because I had my boobs removed on Monday.

Well. Not technically removed. But it feels like it. I mean, I've been large chested since junior high and so to have nipples that are smaller than a dinner plate, and that point out and not down is just going to take me awhile to get used to. And the size, oh, the size. That may be the biggest adjustment of them all, because when the nurse in the hospital asked me what I thought of my post-op bra, all I could think is that it looked empty. I've never had an empty bra before. So, I'm having a big of post-operative remorse, but I'm sure I'll be pleased as punch in 6 months or so. Seriously, I could buy training bras at Justice now. Although they tell me I'm a 'C' I guess I had no idea how small that would be.

I'm trying to wein myself off the pain meds. I'm down to half a pill every 6 hours. But this afternoon I plan to move on to plain old Tylenol. These narcotics make me so sleepy! Which is fine at night, because I have to sleep sitting up for two weeks and so can use the help. But not fun during the day when I can't even finish a commercial without snoozing.

My DH and I prepared Thanksgiving dinner which is in the oven right now, and on the stove, and in the fridge. It seriously took like 20 minutes to get everything prepapred. I don't get what the big deal is....but then again, I'm only cooking for 4. I was definitely motivated by my grandmother's mashed potatoes. If that's all I eat today, I will be just fine.

My brother and his family will be here for a few hours tomorrow. I'm excited for my boys to get to play with their cousins. And I'm excited for my me to see my family for a little while. They've never been to any of our homes. In all these years. So, it means a lot that they're coming over while they're in town visiting my SIL's brother's in-laws.

I don't really have anything else going on. No word on whether or not we'll be moving to KC. Should know in the next few weeks, I suppose. Will be interesting to go back to work and try to function when I can't lift my arms above my head. And hoping that no one will notice that I am now completely flat chested. I'll be fine. Really, I will. But I can't lie to you. It's really flat. And although I wanted this, and I still think I want it, I've already teased my husband that next I'm getting implants! :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

About That....

2011-11-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

About that post I wrote a week or so ago where I drove everyone nuts worrying about all the "what ifs" surround my boss possibly moving to Colorado and me not being able to go with him????

Well.....they offered him a chance on Friday and he turned them down.

And they immediately offered me a chance to go to Missouri for another job.

That's right. The owner of my company flew down to have lunch with my boss, and then with me, to let us throw our hats in the ring for promotions.

The owner and VP of Ops are acting like I'm already in Kansas City. The VP actually asked me who I was going to tell on my current staff....to which I said, I thought I would wait until they actually made an offer.

It's all very complex and a lot of dominoes are involved, and yes, the VP and owner would pick me. That was plan 18 months ago when I accepted this job - that it would be good training ground to go run our company in KC. And I remember the owner saying the exact words that helped me decide to take the job ... "I don't think 3 years would be too long to train before running KC." But there is another interested party, who already lives there, who is very good, and who is just as likely to get the job. The job starts 1/1/13. We would need to sell the house we just bought 6 months ago, which would cost us a fortune. But my boss tells me "if you get the chance, you'd better take it." I assume the money we lose on the house would be regained the first year in salary alone.

They will continue these flights around to the various divisions for the next few weeks, and hope to have a plan in place by January. So, for now, they know I'm interested. And my boss knows its a possiblity that I'll go. And we wait. Lucky for me, my backup plan should they not offer me the job is pretty stellar. I get to stay here with my wonderful boss, job, home, and life in Texas. Its win-win.

So, the VP job goes to one of two people. If A. takes that job, then S. takes A's job. And I could have S's job. If A does not take the VP job, then S takes the VP job, and I could still have S's job.
Or they could give it to T.

I'm trying not to think about it. 15 days from now I'm getting my breast reduction. And then my family will be here for Thanksgiving. We'll go to Kansas for Christmas, Indiana for New Year's. Its a busy few months.

And after that, everything will be normal or everything will be completely different.

Wish us luck!

The Winds they are a Changing

2011-10-24T18:22:00.000-07:00

I am Type A. Yes, I underwent a totally unpredictable, out of (my) control situation with IF, IUI, and IVF. And a mother of twins! Oy vay!

But in this, I felt in control in a lot of ways. I could take my shots on time, and not miss a single dose. I could feed the boys every 2 hours, per the pediatrician's instructions, I can feed them organic food. I can control so many aspects of things even when they're out of control. That's how I deal. I control. That's what I do.

I wrote last about my fears that my boss would leave our division, leave Texas, leave me. I am still struggling with this. Sometimes when I share things in my blog, or talk about them with my husband, the catharsis provides relief, like I'm finally confronting some truth I've been avoiding. But with this fear of the future of my career, talking about it here and with DH has not helped. If anything, it has elevated my fear and made it more real. I know that discussing it with my boss would make me feel better in the short term, but in the long term, it would not, because showing weakness and admitting my uncertainty would be revealing a weakness I'd rather he not see. Or remember. And then use against me (even if he thought he was doing me a favor) in the future. I hate to commit to a certain path when there are so many variables at this time. So, out of fear, I am trying to figure out the best strategy to have the "right" outcome for me, and to know what it is that I do want, given any number of scenarios. It's a lot like Survivor. We often joke about our "Survivor Mentality" - me, my boss, and other peers in similar positions that are all impacted by each other's moves. I openly strive to form alliances.

So, problem #1 - will we be happy in TX if boss leaves and takes other friend with him (yes, in 18 months, I know, perhaps melodramatic, but I need control, remember?)....so, I've been making attempts to make friends. For example, we went to the Fall Festival at the boys' pre school on Friday night and I finally introduced myself to the dad who drops off his daughter at the same time as me every morning, and his wife, and my DH. Jay and Amy. Parents of L. Nice enough. But so freaking awkward to be making friends at 34. Seems desparate. Still can't bring myself to make friends with the unattractive parents at the Play Place at the mall - even though our boys were only one of 3 sets of twins there on Sunday. And obviously I'd have things in common with parents of two-year-old twins. But they didn't look like us. Okay. Perhaps my standards are too high. I've always had acquaintances I could take or leave and just a few close BFFs. So, anyway, working on that problem.

And problem #2 - forming an alliance with my co-manager at work who I do not trust just in case I do have to one day work for him, or he one day works for me. He's just hard to read and I tend to think he has an agenda. DH has suggested I work to figure out what his agenda is. Does this make any more of you want to puke? I. h.a.t.e. political crap. Just be honest. And direct. I can't stand the thought of playing fake or nice or anything else. Just spell it out already.

Not sure which of these two is harder for me. I have wonderful, fabulous friends who I treasure, but they just don't live very close to me. I don't want to have to make new friends. I don't want to put myself out there. It feels like dating. Boo!

October 17, 2011

2011-10-17T20:40:00.001-07:00

So, yesterday, I was taking the boys for a walk. We had just gotten back into our neighborhood and we saw a cute little toddler moseying around his yard with his daddy, and I was coaxing the boys to say "hiiiiiii" to their little neighbor and thought to myself.....its really totally completely inappropriate that I have 'Hits from the Bong' on my ipod right now" and chuckled to myself as I then continued to point out to the boys that their friend was wearing a hat, and shoes, etc. etc. etc.

Today, my precious little Will received yet another "oh no" report at school. Apparently, after nap time, he was biting his teachers and when they told him to stop, he laughed at them and bit them again! Thankfully, one of the teachers recognizes that he's two and he's just looking for attention. But still, these things, they give me stress. He woke up crying this morning, which I don't belive he's done since he was an infant, and so he had a rough start to his day. And he went straight to bed without getting up once, so I'm confident he was exhausted for whatever reason after his Monday at school. I'm saving the "oh no" report for later. I hope we can look back at it and laugh some day about how strong his spirit was, even at two.

My fabulous breast reduction surgery has been approved by insurance, and is scheduled for November 21st. Wahoo!!!! I'd post pictures, but, you know, yuck. Maybe if my stomach was flatter :)

I'm nervous that my boss may be taken away from me and I will be left to run this company that he promised to run with me as we "grow old together" not 18 months ago. His soon-could-be boss keeps sending him pictures of the view of the mountains outside his office in Golden, CO and it would be a huge opportunity for my boss, and by that time, this guy would be my boss's boss, and my boss, as I would then have my current boss's job. Does that make any sense? And so its in my head. And sucky. Unless this other guy gets this one job and then maybe I would get my dream job and get to be the boss closer to my family (please, please please). Anyway, stuck in my head on this right now, but it won't even happen until April of 2013 so I can't really lose sleep over it, but I probably will. And its all out of my control. I just don't know if I want to live here and do this job without my boss. My husband plays golf with my boss and another co-worker (who followed my boss here to TX so would surely follow him to CO) and so we'd have like zero friends if they both left. I mean, I'd get my dream job, but I'd be all alone. First woman President in my company and all that. But its not the division I'd ultimately like to run. And its all conjecture. And really, I would love to follow my boss to CO, but there's no way they'd let both of us go. One of has to stay. Keep calm and carry on. And all that. {sigh}

I've been trying to eat healthier. But then I tried two, count em two, Pioneer Woman recipes in the last two days. Okay. The cinnamon rolls are a repeat. And really, not for us, but for my employees. But the egg in the hole, that was all me. And my husband. Oh the butter! Dreadful!

I probably won't post again for awhile, so I should share that I celebrated my 10th anniversary of employment with my company last week, and that my husband and I will celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary on Wednesday. Definitely need to start budgeting for a big to-do for next year - we're both thinking TRIP! We're having dinner Saturday night at a restaurant downtown that's somehow in the middle of traffic and you have to take an elevator to get there. I'm sure its not as clandestine as that sounds, but it will still be pretty cool, and thus worthy of a special occasion.

Stay at Home (with sick child) Mom

2011-09-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

Will had some loose bowels at school. I guess their rule is 4 in one day means you have to take the next day off. So, I have been home with Will since yesterday around 2pm. He's not really sick. He has a post nasal drip that caused him to have the runs. So, he doesn't have a fever. Isn't throwing up. Behaves happy and normal. And so I've been pretending I'm a stay at home mom.

Here is what my version of a SAHM does.

1) we got groceries and ran other errands that I have been having a hard time getting done. I normally insist on doing these things ALONE. But Will was well behaved and actually a good shopping buddy, which is definitely not the case when I've got BOTH of them with me.

2) we went to story time at the library. Will sat on my lap and seemed to enjoy watching the librarians. I thought he might get crazy with the dancing and singing, but he was actually quiet and preferred to sit in my lap. I hope we can go again.

3) we cleaned the kitchen floor and did a couple loads of laundry. Because the floor was long overdue {isn't 24 hours long overdue at your house, too?!} and the laundry had piled up while we were gone this weekend.

4) we played. Play Doh. Puzzles. Golf.

5) we went to the play place at the mall. Where I chatted with other mothers. Which is something that is impossible when I've got to keep my eye on two moving targets. There was another mother of twins there, and she asked how I got away with just one today. I lied and said Will had a dentist appointment. Lest she shun me for bringing my poopy baby to the mall. {yes, i'm a sinner}

All in all, I would say that Will makes an excellent only child and even though I would never in a million years want to be a SAHM, its nice every once in awhile to have this quality time with him. He has not asked for his brother once. And he really isn't super needy with my attention. He's kind of content to be home with me and doing our thing. When he wakes up from his nap, I think we'll walk to our neighborhood playground, which is the second to last item on my SAHM agenda - right above finger painting.

Now, if I could only spend my vacation days doing what "I" want to do, then this list would look entirely different. But given the fact that as a parent, your own needs come dead friggin last, we may never get to see that list. {tear} Let's just say it involves fattening food, reality television, blankets and books.

Firm Express 4 day kick start

2011-09-03T18:28:00.000-07:00

Please forgive any typos in this pose....I left my laptop at the office so I'm posting via my crappy phone...

So...with my 2nd body scan clear (sigh) and a week of thyroid replacement under my belt, I decided it was time to reverse the weight gain. Actually, I had already taken off 4 of the 9 pounds I gained when my metabolism was el zilcho. So, today, I have eaten what they call "anti-inflammatory" which apparently means no sugar, white carbs, bad fats or artificial sweeteners. And no caffeine! But I have done about 3 workout videos and eaten more fruits and vegetables than I normally have in more than a week. I'm hungry but not starving. So, not too shabby for day 1. I'm going to a wedding in Wichita next Friday so I want to look my best for that. And its time. I have mentally committed to giving their program a full 30 days ... So wish me luck!

Had my consult with the plastic surgeon this week. Now we just need to get my "reduction" approved by insurance. If not, I will want to wait until I get my bonus next summer. So....hoping insurance will cover a very long overdue resizing of my chest. Really liked the surgeon. And her staff. And I definitely don't want to wait any longer. Why get a boob job when I'm older if I could enjoy life better today? What if there isn't a later? I deserve to have a normal sized, evenly proportioned chest. Wearing two sports bras and still having my boobs flop out of them doing the workouts today just solidified my position. Its on!

Took the boys to the aquarium today where they were wild. Wore themselves out to where they took a full 3 hour nap. I don't remember the last time they slept that long! I napped too while my DH hit some golf balls. Day 1 of this holiday weekend was about as good as it gets around here....except that little Will keeps getting out of his big boy bed and slamming his door. I may have to go lay on his floor for awhile...again.

Haircuts tomorrow and my DH is playing golf with my boss on Monday. Otherwise I'll be focused on the menu on the fridge and the workout DVDs in the laptop doing everything I can to look my very best next weekend. Its nice to have something to dress up for, even if I've worn the dress before and I know I'll wake at 6am to a scream of "juice!!!"

Cancer Free 2.0

2011-08-28T19:16:00.000-07:00

Had my scan on Friday. Unofficially, my second clean scan in a row. Just about 3 years from the day my tumor was spotted across the room by my OB. Just about. I've been obsessed with this goal of two clear scans for so long now, that I honestly don't know what comes next. I think its just blood tests and no scans. Which is nice because I can take my medication and eat what I want and just go in for blood tests which are nothing (um, yeah, because I'm an IF survivor, blood work doesn't bother me).

On Friday I was relieved while everyone else thought I should celebrate. Happy just isn't the appropriate emotion. Guess I'm not ready to let me guard down on that one yet. But I was highly emotional and weepy. And relieved. Like a huge weight had been lifted that isn't always there, but is definitely nagging at the back of my psyche at least during the weeks leading up to the scan and really always in the background, especially now that I won't have actual photos to rely on.

I don't want to compare it to IF. It's totally different, but I will tell you this. It's like taking a pregnancy test and hearing you're pregnant. That's my bloodwork. And then there's your sonograms. And that's the scan. So, I think, nay, I'm afraid, that I'm going to have to rely on no sonogram FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. And I may have to get all IF crazy on my endo until he gives me the scans, just like my OB gave in and gave me all those sonos after I went to the ER every time I peed my pants. Ahh, the memories.

In other news, I am so tired I am almost delirious. Why can I never have just one thing going on at once? We moved my office into the building I've been working on for the past year yesterday. I have worked and lost sleep every night I can remember as far back as I can remember. And now, yes, now, this week, my son decides to start climbing over his baby gate. Please pray with me that he will not wake up in the night and then use his skills to unlock and walk out the front door. Which he can unlock the dead bolt, but there is a baby proofing device that prevents him from turning the handle, but I have seen him pry that plastic job off before. Everyone tells me he'll come to our room at night. Please pray this with me. If I wake up with him in my bed for every night until he turns, um, say, 18, that will be just fine with me as long as he never once goes outside unattended. Ok. Maybe not 18. 16? Too much?

And also, love this blog, love this post, had to share it HERE.

Nighty Night for you. Sleeping on the tile outside a 2-yr-olds' room for me :/

Flipping Out

2011-08-15T17:46:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to keep my inner Angie-screams-alotti {ala Jeff Lewis} under wraps for the next two weeks. Thank God for my husband who is running daddy evening daycare while I hang in our bedroom and review the same to-do list seventeen times. Every solution seems to lead to another problem. Not exactly panicking but definitely feeling the last minute stress of my work moving to our new building. Which is {gorg} by the way!

Can you tell I'm watching the Kardashians?????

Right now the major stressor is every detail for which I must depend on an outside vendor. Uniform guy doesn't return calls or show up or follow up. Furniture sales person doesn't provide information in writing {whuck?} and can't finalize order that is being delivered in SIX DAYS. Pressure washer person tells us ours came in wrong, tells us there will be a delay, then calls the next day to say that wasn't our machine after all, which they discovered when ours DID arrive. Shop table vendor who miscommunicated with his vendor and tables will be late by as much as two weeks. Sink on backorder. Verizon phone installers on strike. And movers who showed up TWO WEEKS EARLY!

I handle all of these in stride, but when I start adding them up, well, I just am amazed at the incompetency of all these companies. And at times like these, we're only as good as our suppliers. Hmmmmm. It's not so bad. Nothing we can't or haven't formed contingency plans for, but, it gets old. Sometimes it would be nice to just have some {simple} in our life.

Anyway, I've been off my thyroid replacement for the third day in a row today. My metabolism has slowed down...which is evidenced by the consti and the weight gain {already} {sigh} and general achiness and brain drain. And perhaps my filter is gone, too?

I kinda snapped at my boss today. Big misunderstanding. Normally handle it better. I don't think he had any idea how close I came to losing it. I can feel myself being short with my employees. Who I normally would tease more and berate less. Not a lot of patience for their impatience when I'm spread so thin right now. Um, it takes you two more key strokes, so just deal for a day. Or.....the blank stare I gave a guy today who asked me to input three orders for him. I know. He's busy packing for the move. But ... oh well ... it was just easier to input his orders than rip him a new one.

Big news! Staycation begins Thursday at 9am. Which rocks. Except I have to leave to go test phone lines b/c our IT director has lost faith in the phone providers and its kind of a big deal that our phones work when we move. And I cannot find a sitter to save my life. Local lady who I love who hooks people up with sitters, not returning my emails. I think I'm getting spam filtered. So, now we're on to plan B - called the hotel and asked for who they use. Called them tonight. Seriously. There is no recession. Only people who aren't very good at taking care of business.

Sorry this has gotten so snarky. Bad mood, ya think?!

Asymmetrial What?

2011-08-06T11:18:00.000-07:00

Nap Time @ mi casa.

Watching Jersey Shore in Italy.

Ate some leftover OTB (On the Border).

Drinking a Coke Zero.

Surfing the web for great salad recipes.

Checking in with the blog.

So, I haven't been freaking out about not drinking. I went a few weeks without drinking, then had a half a drink one night at a work outing. It didn't taste good and our waitress sucked so I didn't even get a chance to order something I did like.

I've had a few beers and glasses of wine at home. But not more than 2 a night. Not analyzing it, but also kind of keeping an eye on myself, just conscious of my drinking.

**

I have been losing weight. Kind of. Like .3 pounds per week or something similar to that. I think its my thyroid meds. I am getting ready for a body scan on 8/26. So, I'm off the Synthroid and on a med with a shorter half-life, Cytomel, and I have more energy, I have some other health benefits that are embarrassing to describe...just maybe we could say ... in the regularity department ... and I have more energy. I don't need to eat as much to feel full. And so I don't really feel deprived and so I'm losing a little weight. Not dramatic, but my pants are loser and I can wear clothes that I haven't warn in awhile. Fun. Would like to stay on it. Need to call my endo and see if he will let me.

The downside is I have to go off ALL meds on 8/12 and will be crazy, loopy off-her-thyroid-meds girl at quite possibly, once again, the most inconvenient time. You may recall the radiation treatment of 2010 wherein I was off my meds while packing up my house and leaving my job to move my family to Dallas where my husband did not have a job. Yes, its kind of like that again.

The company I work for, we have stores. And for the past year or so we have been BUILDING a new store. And we will be MOVING to our new store on 8/26. The day AFTER my body scan when I will have been off my meds for two weeks. And I will have to miss a couple half days of work to take blood tests, take low-dose radiation, get the scan, etc.

I also have a consultation that week with a plastic surgeon for a breast reduction. So tired of looking ridiculous in a swimsuit with my asymmetrical mess of a chest. Tired of having clothes fit my fat tummy but not over my big lopsided chest.

Busy week. Moving all of our building possessions, coordinating outside vendors and our employees, and lots of responsibility and at my best, I will feel like I'm suffering from a severe head cold.

{lovely}

**

The boys are way fun. Especially at this minute, cuz they're napping :) But seriously, they say funny things and carry themselves in funny ways. I have had to dissuade their interest in all things Thomas, because I can't stand that show. Their vocab expands faster than I can keep up. Although their favorite word is still 'no'

DH and I have a date planned for tonight. Groupon at a local restaurant and the boys will go to the drop in daycare, then a movie on the Tivo from Amazon. {sigh}

Later this month, we have a "staycation" planned with my boss and another co-worker and our families. I've been obssessed with getting a swimsuit that is flattering on my tummy and stretch marks {yikes!} and also supports the chest without making it pop out and scare my friends' children. Finally got one off the internet, but its a little big {i know, how can you buy a swimsuit on the internet? well, I just know the brand, I guess}

Am I seriously rambling on and on about swimsuits?! Let's just say I've got a lot going on and instead of worrying about movers and forklifts and furniture and vending machines and fuel tanks, I choose to spend my time surfing the internet for swimsuits, cover ups, and other items that support my vanity!

Last Friday Night

2011-07-13T18:40:00.001-07:00

I was able to sleep last night from about 9:30pm until about 5am. Hallelujah!!!!

I still don't want to drink, but I am finding a way to laugh at myself. Which is a sign the neurosis is fading {for now anyway}.

I'm sure this is terribly sad and this guy had family and will be dearly missed etc etc etc but at least I'm not THIS GUY.

And I know that others have been here before. Not just because of your kind posts but because of this fun song which for now contains the Best.Lyrics.Ever.

Neurotic

2011-07-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

Again last night, I couldn't sleep.

Driving across town this morning, telling my boss how I haven't been able to sleep since Friday night and how I may never.drink.again, he says to me "What's that word you always use for L (mutual friend)?" And I say, "Neurotic?" He says, "Yes, that's it. Neurotic." And continues, "I didn't think anything was THAT bad." To which I reply, "I was asleep. In front of your kids! At like 7pm!" He replies, "So! I do that like every night."

Difference being he collapses after getting up at 4:30am to run or lift weights and then working 12+ hours - throwing his entire self into our company and then our family. Not after drinking to excess.

But it made me feel better. And he is amazing. I would say ...for him to always be so gracious, so merciful and non-judgemental of me and others in our circle of friends. But maybe I really wasn't that bad. Maybe I slid by this time. So, I pointed out that same thing, and added that the part that really worries me is only remembering parts of the evening, and not knowing if I owe anyone an apology and if so, who, and for what.

So for the record, neurotic means a state of being afflicted with a neurosis or a person who tends to be emotionally unstable or unusually anxious. Definitely since Friday night I have been neurotic. Not sleeping. Relentless negative self talk. Obsessive.Compulsive.Anxiety about what bridges may have been burned that night, what consequences I could face if it happens again or T had not been there to drive me home. Over and Over and Over and Over. And over.

So last night I tossed and turned out on the couch reading and staring into the dark until I finally drifted off sometime after 2:30am. And my son Will woke up at 5am. I was in the shower by 5:30. I'm hoping that the <=3 hours of sleep last night will force me to sleep tonight!

And with a return to normal sleep patterns, then a return to just.moving.on. I think that's why I like the idea of abstaining from alcohol for awhile or forever. It would be final, so I could just put it all behind me. If anything, I would love to just put this behind me and never think of it again. Never again face 3 days of this punch to the gut.

So...is my real problem that I passed out after a few drinks? Or that I'm blowing it out of proportion when everyone else around me thinks it was no big deal? Or that I'm suffering insomnia? Or am I starting to come down with a wee little bout of depression? WTF is going on?

In other news, the boys are amazing fun right now. Amazing horrible to take to a friend's house for dinner, but crazy fun in a controlled environment. We're in the midst of potty training, despite my best intentions to put it off a couple more months until I think the boys are ready. Daycare is requesting pull ups. Will had dry diapers and peed in the potty all day yesterday. Jack scared himself by pooping in the potty at home last night and cried cried cried until it was all cleaned up and then finally was proud of his accomplishment. And I was proud of myself for not vomiting in front of him because it was a nasty, liquid corny poo that was definitely gross. And while I'm trying to console him, his brother is sticking his nose down in the potty chair to investigate. Ewww!

Their vocabularies are ever expanding. DH and I thoroughly enjoy sharing their accomplishments with each other. Yesterday, he was amazed they knew an "umbrella" in its folded up closed state. Last week, Jack shocked me with the word "shoulder" And last night Jack, upset that I was singing out loud, held my face in his hands and said, "No momma! Time out!" Yes, my two-year-old put me in a time out. And he can count from 5 to 10. Not 1 to 5, but definitely 5 to 10. And they both love to sing "Phenomenon Do do do do do do. Phenomenon Do do do do .... ala the muppets which they've never seen but I sing to them in the car.

Life is good. Maybe I'm just afraid of throwing it all away.

That Girl

2011-07-11T18:26:00.000-07:00

Dr. Drew the host of Celebrity Rehab would say that I'm an alcoholic. I think. On one episode, I remember him saying that you have an addiction if you have ever suffered consequences, not just whether or not you are "addicted" to it or crave it or can't control it etc etc etc to all those things you think of when you think of an addict.

But I do sometimes suffer consequences from drinking. Aside from hangovers (only with the hard stuff), throwing up (in college), and saying things I regret (always) I have fallen down and skinned my knee (in front of my mother - wince) wrecked my car (just a few months before I got pregnant with the boys) and just never.been.caught. And I don't remember it happening. Just woke up the next morning to destroyed front and back bumpers. Its embarrassing to admit this here. But I have to get this off my chest.

This past Friday night, I met my boss and a friend visiting from out of town at our job site. I had three beers in 90 minutes (and so did they) and then drove home to where I picked up my husband (boys' daycare was hosting their monthly parents'night out) and took him to my boss's house for a dinner party. From there, I remember taking a tour, admiring the food and being handed a white sangria. I remember bits and pieces of the next few hours. My husband drove us home, so the boys were never in danger. Whew! But I fell asleep on my boss's couch. With like 10 friends around. Colleagues from work. Their spouses. Their children. I freaking fell asleep!

I was not naked. I didn't throw up. I didn't offend anyone or talk dirty. But I blacked out.

I have apologized to my boss and his wife and they were both super cool about it. My boss's wife just said "I've never seen you like that before" and laughed. We've known each other for almost 10 years. But I know its not cool. I know thats not the person I want to be. And I have been obsessed with it since that night. In fact, although I'm sure I was safely in bed by 10:30 that night, I woke up at 2:30 and could not go back to sleep. I have barely slept every night since then. It felt better to talk to them today. It feels good to get it off my chest here. Okay, maybe not good. But somehow like I can let go of all the negative self talk. And the self hatred. All the worry that THIS is going to be the thing that takes away this wonderful life that I have.

I do not drink every day. I do not get drunk every time I drink. I can have one drink and stop. And not really think about it. I can have two drinks and just be done. Somewhere after two drinks things get a little hazy.

I say the wrong things when I'm sober, so I'm afraid of the things - mean, spiteful things - that may come out of my mouth when I'm drunk.

Friday night, I was drinking on an empty stomach while I had my period and while taking some bronchitis medication. All a bad combination. And I could blame it on that random combination. But I've drank on an empty stomach before. I've blacked out before. I've done this before. Maybe not in front of these people, or in this same exact way. But I have been in this place where the next day I don't remember what I said, or how I got home. It was tacky when I was 22. And its pathetic at 34.

I don't even like to be drunk. It's never my intention. I prefer to be in control at all times. But every once in awhile. Every 20th time I drink, or maybe every 50th, there's no rhyme or reason. Every once in awhile it doesn't go well. I haven't killed anyone. I haven't completely ruined any friendships. But I have put myself in a position that I don't like. Been a person I do not want to be.

I don't know if I will ever drink again. My husband thinks I'm being a little extreme. Maybe I will have a one-drink limit. But even the thought of that scares me. I guess what Friday night did was scare me. It took me back to the place of before the boys were born when I wrecked my car. Like I've been granted a wake-up call. And its something I really need to pay attention to.

So, this is scary. I'm about to hit "publish post" and its scarier than the time I posted my weight (still hovering around 180 despite exercise and Lean Cuisine, BTW). I think this is a very scary thing to post on a blog that could somehow be tied to me in real life. To admit this weakness. To let my guard down. But I wanted to share it here. For those of you who are still reading.

I'm afraid to ever drink again. Because it may be fine. I may have just one. Or I could have just one too many. And I don't want to be that girl.

Over or Under ... Can you Guess Which One I Am?????

2011-06-29T18:25:00.000-07:00

I hope that if you click on this image, it WILL be bigger. Otherwise, you just.won't.get.this :(

Alive and Will

2011-06-05T18:06:00.000-07:00

Will had his hydrocele repair on Friday. During explorator surgery on his right side they discovered a hernia. I was once again overhwelmed by the kindness and complimentary nature of our surgeon and his staff. They marveled over Will and his eyes, and his hair, and his patience during this ordeal.

Here is a shot of Daddy and Will in pre-op:

Will woke up very agitated and concerned about the thing that kept stats on his toe and the IV in his hand. He could hardly enjoy his popsicle! But has been an absolute trooper since his surgery and is pretty much off his meds since about 5am this morning.

I love that little boy. I prayed for him during surgery. And he came out blowing and going just like his little self. Despite doctors' orders, he did not slow down for one minute due to this little setback. He enjoyed the blow up pool in our back yard. He enjoyed biting his brother, and stealing his fair share of the new toys I bought them while they were napping.

Thank you, God, for blessing me with these two little lives. For the health we all enjoy. And for the life I never thought I'd live. I feel like I'm in some commercial for the 50's, only with updated appliances in my wonderful suburbs. Thank you for this time.

F.A.I.L.

2011-05-20T17:52:00.000-07:00

Today was a mess.

I didn't think simply being out of my routine could cause things to go so terribly wrong, but I'm pretty sure it was all caused by stepping out of my routine.

I was planning to get my oil changed in my company car on the way to work, but the place I was taking it didn't open until 8am so I decided to just drop the boys off at preschool before I took my shower, which worked well, except that I must have looked like total a** b/c all the teachers looked at me like I might be drunk. FAIL.

So, I go home and take my shower. Except I used conditioner twice and shampoo never. And then proceeded to use shave cream on my poof instead of shower gel. There were actually a few minutes in the shower where I thought to myself, "Am I having a stroke?" FAIL.

So, I leave the house. Go to Starbucks. Somehow at my Starbucks a grande latte costs MORE than a venti latte. W.T.H.E.DOUBLE.HOCKEY.STICKS? FAIL.

The intersection by Starbucks is under construction and it takes me no.less.than. 4 times through the light routine before its finally my turn. Pick up my dry cleaning which has somehow come back stained. FAIL.

Decide, oh, I don't want to mess with the fancy oil change place, I'll just go to Walmart and then I can return the potty chair the boys don't like and do some of my weekend shopping while I wait. Drive west to Walmart only to find like 10 cars in line and no people in them. FAIL.

Drive East back to where I started (careful to avoid HORRIBLE stoplight) and go to one of the shining stars of my day - Autosplash - where you can sit IN your car while they change your oil. There was no line, and it took like 10 minutes including all the other crap they upsold me while I was sitting there.

Drive into the city for work. Work some. Go to lunch. Decide to try the Jack in the Box Chicken Fajita Pita which was delish, but the line was about 30 minutes beginning to end at the drive thru. Not exaggerating here. I would have driven my car over the curb had it not been a company car, and had the curb not been blocked by a big concrete wall. NOT.WORTH.IT. Fail.

Work for the afternoon. Leave early to beat the rain/Friday traffic. Decide part way home to drive past the Majestic Liquor Store b/c DH had sent me an email that BETHENNY FRANKEL was going to be making an appearance. It took me 30 minutes to drive 4.6 miles due to 5:00 traffic that had nothing to do with her, only to round the corner and disover about 1,000,000 women standing in the rain with umbrellas or carrying out cases of Skinny Girl margaritas. I had no umbrella and I don't even like tequila, so I just drove home. FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.FAIL.

Forever later I arrived home where I should have just stayed all day. Because sometimes a girl just can't win.

From That to This

2011-05-14T13:44:00.000-07:00

What is THAT???? you ask?

THAT is what DH and used to store our unmentionables in! Yes, we are finally spoiling ourselves and buying actual furniture! Today, the dresser and night tables were delivered.

So, the first thing I did was dump my plastic drawers into my new wood dresser. And then it was so nice, I had to organize it all so it looked like it belonged in there!
SO excited to have bedroom furniture for the first time since .... well, I haven't had drawers since I left my parents house at age 18!

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T18:11:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to my bloggy friends! From those of you who are mothers in waiting to those who are mommas waiting for your babies to arrive to those of us mommas who are waiting for naptime - hope your day was a good one.

My boys and I had a good weekend. Yesterday was a 2-year old birthday party for Miss Emma. The dudes finally broke the barrier of the jumpy house and actually got inside without scooting their little bottoms out the little mesh door. And they enjoyed themselves. And they took some whacks at a pinata, which was hilarious. Can't wait to see pics!

Today was a mish mash like all weekends. We blew up a small little pool for the boys and enjoyed some time on our back patio. Over an hour of bliss and no fighting over toys, etc. etc. etc. It was a good Mother's Day.

My little bout of depression seems to have passed for now. I suppose I just needed to take more time for myself. Which I'm trying to do every night by walking on the treadmill as long as I want when I get home from work, even if DH and the boys get home shortly thereafter. He can handle it. Its important for me to have that "me" time. I also need to find a way to take off some pounds in a way I can stick with. That doesn't require I make every meal from scratch or that I eliminate chocolate from my life for good. So, I'm working on baby steps.

As I was walking through the mall today (a wonderful treat during naptime, thanks DH!) I remember a few years ago when I would have felt conspicuous at the mall on Mother's Day. I would have been paranoid that everyone around me knew that I didn't have any children and that they would feel sorry for me. And I would have been lonely in that feeling. I'm sure there were others that had a rough day today, and I was with them in those few moments at the mall.

My BFF from high school announced today that she is pregnant. Her first/last pregnancy ended in M/C. Unknown reason. She waited til 4 months to tell anyone because she was so worried worried worried. Poor.Little.Thing. So, I am celebrating this Mother's Day for her, as well. It's just such an emotionally charged day all the way around.

I Deserve to Be Happy

2011-04-29T18:42:00.000-07:00

I apologize this is SO late...I wrote it on 4/29! I have had a "java" problem and have decided to go ahead and use another computer to just.get.it.posted.

First, an update on "the little Will" as he is known around our house.

Took him to the surgeon yesterday for his consult and he DOES need surgery for a hydrocele. Google it if you want to know more. I was relieved it wasn't a tumor.

The surgeon was super nice, and I am now paranoid it was because I was crazy on the phone with his referral nurse.

Nurse: Which doctor were you wanting to make an appointment with?

Me: I'm not sure. They just gave me a card with all the doctors and I'm not very happy about it.

Nurse: Well, all of our doctors here are great.

Me: Can you put me with whichever doctor is going to be nicest to the mom?

Etc

Etc

Etc

I started to get suspicious when the surgeon told me how many times he'd done this surgery and reassured me how great a pediatrician I have. I know he's a great pediatrician. He's been rated one of D's best year after year after year and he spotted this fluid like a good doctor should. I just don't think he's a good match for me, because whenever I'm around him I feel insecure and afraid to ask questions, and I'm pretty sure last time I saw him he chastised me for asking my son not to slam the drawer he was working in shut anymore. GRRRRRRR! But I do love the surgeon and perhaps by meeting me he now thinks I'm just crazy overprotective because of our IF (which came up b/c I was concerned little Will may have some lasting side effects from the hydrocele in that area) and not because I'm just the regular kind of crazy.

I must admit. I am kind of crazy. Especially when it comes to my tantrum-throwing, loveable little two year olds :)

***

I was just watching some show earlier - RH of Orange County perhaps? - where the one lady, Tamra, I believe, kept talking about how she deserves to be happy and how hard that is for her to accept. I think that's what I've been going through with our life here in Dallas. I mean, I'm going to make more money this year than I ever dreamed or even hoped I would. It's beyond anything I ever had planned for myself. Don't get all worried. I'm not even in the 6 figures. But I can see 6 figures from here. And its like crazy success. And I love my husband. And despite the minor surgery on little Will's nads and some remissioned cancer on momma, we are healthy. Of course, I'd like to be skinnier and to have a boob job, but really, seriously, our life is beyond what I thought it could be just a few short years ago.

I think what I'm having a hard time with is being happy. With everything and more than I've ever dreamed. And adjusting my expectations and really perception of "happy" to that reality. I'm sorry if you're getting sick of this talk, or if you think I'm repetitive. I'm just really having a hard time articulating what I'm experiencing or moving past the perception of this monumental change. I mean, seriously, my parents gave me such stupid money issues. I have the money in the bank, but I'd rather ... I don't know ... anything ... than pay someone else to do it. Paint my own toenails. Paint my garage door. Mow my grass. And I'd rather have the money in the bank than spend it. And I'd rather worry about keeping that balance high in the bank than enjoy the fact that I have more money on hand than ever.before.in.my.life.

I have money issues. And I will probably continue to explore them here where I feel safe. Because I know its tacky to talk about money, so I don't really feel like I can talk about it with anyone but DH.

***

Part of my deserving to be happy adventure ... I'm getting my hair straightened tomorrow morning. Kertain treatment which is otherwise known as a Brazillian Blowout. My hair is super frizzy here, and I love it straight, but I'm too lazy to flat iron it unless I'm at a hotel or the boys are out with their daddy. So, anyway, this is something that I would normally use as a reward for myself....something that millions of other women just do as a part of their regular beauty regimen. It would normally be a treat for losing 10 pounds or the splurge part of my tax return / or bonus, etc. But instead, as part of living in the now and allowing myself the success I have EARNED through my hard work, I am just, on a regular Saturday morning, taking the time to get my hair straightened, for me. All for me. Not a prize. Not a reward. Not a splurge. Just .... this is my life now. And this is what I want in this moment.

Sounds like crazy talk to me. But I'm going to try to normalize it. Without going crazy and oppulent or something.

See what I mean? Normal but holding back. Can't help it. Crazy.About.Money.

Thanks, Mom! :)

Lil Bit o Depression

2011-04-27T17:52:00.000-07:00

I can feel some depression sinking in. It happens from time to time when all I want to do is lay in bed and EAT. Which is basically all I did during fertility treatments and pregnancy and radiation. So, for a long time, it just looked like fertility treatments, pregnancy and radiation. But I know its mild depression. I know it is.

So, I lay here, in bed, watching a reality show marathon while my husband is in the living room with our two boys. I'm hoping a night off will get me by. I'm hoping I can talk myself out of this. But really, all I want to do is eat and lay in this bed and fast forward through commercials on my Tivo.

But I actually have work to do. To make up. From being off two days last week (friends from MN in town visiting). And for leaving early tomorrow.

At Will's two-year well visit, his pediatrician found some fluid in his left testicle. So....we have our surgical consult tomorrow. I am hoping it is a simple hydrocele and that a simple outpatient procedure will cure it. Please pray for good things tomorrow afternoon.

In other news, Will has become a terror of a two year old. Tonight, he is a dream - sweet and funny and interacting with everyone well except for when he threw his plate on the floor at dinner. But this morning, he stood outside our bedroom door behind which was my showering husband and screamed "mommy" (because that's what he's calling daddy these days) and threw himself against the door and banged his fists on the door and kicked and cried and pushed his brother down. First.Thing.This.Morning. So, I was exhausted from that ordeal before my day even began.

I know he has a strong will. I have the same personality. I know this year will be rough and that all two-year olds need to assert their individuality. There will be time outs - for him and for me. And I guess that I'm having one for me tonight.

Boys Elmo Birthday (aka the Water Bottle Birthday)

2011-04-12T19:01:00.000-07:00

Hopefully, these are self-explanatory. I made WAY too much food. And I sincerely believe the boys had the best day of their lives ... we are so lucky to have such wonderful friends here in Dallas who made the day special for our boys!

Senseless Tragedy

2011-04-07T18:09:00.000-07:00

One of my friends from my hometown in Iowa was killed this morning on his drive to work. You can read about it or watch the video at THIS LINK. I found out about it through mutual friends posts on FB. We weren't close friends. We hadn't kept in touch since I went away to college. He lived a block or so away from me in elementary school. We sometimes hung out in the same crowd in high school. My hs boyfriend was friends with him. And I once punched and threatened his little brother for being mean to my cousin. The scene of this accident is just a few miles from my brother's house. It could have been my SIL, my brother, my nephews, my mom. It could have been me. I've always been afraid of car wrecks. I still am. And this is why. Innocent man. Wonderful husband, father, and friend. Killed. While driving to work. No slick roads. No texting. No drinking. Just a senseless tragedy.

Surge to the Merge! and other fun stuff

2011-04-05T18:15:00.001-07:00

This weekend, I read THIS article on a friend's facebook page ... and am now a believer. I used to curse the people who flew past me in the other lane, but now I feel completely guilt free and justified. Plus, its taken about 15 minutes off my commute home at night. Woo Hoo!

***

The boys seem to be adjusting to their new daycare. I know I still am loving all the attention they're getting and the communication we're getting. It rocks! I swear they've never sucked their thumbs more than they have with all the recent changes, but I know they're resilient and they'll get there.

One of the best parts of living in the 'burbs is my willingness to leave the house after I've come home. Tonight, I packed up a dinner in snack cups so DH and I could take the boys to the neighborhood playground. The boys enjoyed their dinner, and ignored the playground equipment. They just wanted to run and be chased and to explore the greenbelt.

So, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the quality of life I was seeking is working out according to plan. Which feels so good. I'm proud of the life my boys will have in this house/neighborhood/school system/town.

***

Dieting sucks. But hopefully all this exercise I'm getting on the treadmill (yes, I dusted it off last night!) and walking the boys back/forth to the park and chasing them around the open fields, will counteract any cheating I do with food.

That being said, I have been feeling very.very.very tired lately, and I really want to see my endocrinologist to check my thyroid replacement. The soonist I can get in is late May, which sucks, so I may have to find a new one, closer to our new home. Too bad I spend all my time researching contractors for little projects at the new house and don't really leave myself much time for other personal calls, etc. (masonry for mailbox replacment, roof repairs, hot tub removal [we are SO not hot tub people], swingset (read: death trap) removal, garage door painting, locksmith for deadbolt installation, etc. etc. etc. Its all a bunch of little stuff that is going to add up and when its done, I'll probably be blissfully bored, but that will just leave me time for furniture shopping!

Wistful Thinking

2011-04-03T10:14:00.000-07:00

Was just reading a blog I like to read from time to time ... Little Miss Momma. She is so beautiful and I love seeing her photography. And sometimes her posts make me smile. Today she posted some pics from her husband's phone, and there were many of her little singleton. And it makes me wistful. Because although I feel guilty about it, I sometimes envy the momma who can have just one baby at a time. I so appreciate these two little boys. I can't imagine our life without them. I think they are funny, and smart, and cute, and also its like they know their second birthday is next weekend and so they've decided to be two already! So, they are whiney and needy and tantrum-throwing and melty-downy and still cute and smart and funny. Their facial expressions crack me up and their favorite word is either "mine" or "no". And I still remember when I worried we'd never have children of our own. And so I don't want to give up either of them, I just sometimes have this grass is greener when it comes to twins vs singletons.

***

Preparations for the 2nd birthday party continue. This weekend I made four (count em, 4) batches of enchiladas. Next weekend will be cupcakes and cake pops and decorating. I hope to get out this afternoon during naptime or shortly thereafter to purchase the gifts (which were an afterthought to the party, I'm afraid!). We are getting the boys some little gifts and tricycles. I read somewhere it was a good gift for this age. So, I'm excited to teach them to ride.

Hopefully I can be posting pictures this time next week! The theme is Elmo (also one of their favorite words) and so there will be a lot of red.

***

The boys had their last day at their old pre school on Thursday. And even though I half the time thought they hated me, or didn't love the boys enough, I still cried when I left for the last time.

They started their new school on Friday, and I was able to watch on the webcam, so I could see how sweet they were to the boys after we left. And how good the boys did (except during naptime!) and I really appreciate what $800 MORE a month in daycare can do for you. The people are so friendly, the building and toys are so nice. And I've seen those 3-year-old teachers in action, so I know that next year, if possible, will be EVEN BETTER than what they've got now. Biggest bonus is its like 1mile from our new home, which means the boys aren't sitting in traffic. And my commute is shorter. All which makes this momma very.very happy.

***

All those months ago I started my new year's diet and I quickly fell off. I'm back on it again, though not as gung ho but definitely making good choices and seeing progress. I like to have a goal, so right now I'm working toward a family reunion at the beginning of June to be followed by our annual 4th of July pilgremage to Minnesota. Anyway, I'm trying.

Vascillation

2011-03-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

We got moved into our new home this weekend. I know we downsized when we moved to Texas by the fact that we have everything out of the condo and on the floor in our new house before 1pm on Saturday AMAZES me. We spent most of that day and yesterday baby-proofing the house. Between Jack pulling out all the outlet covers and Will opening and running out the front door, we definitely knew how to prioritize our time!

There is still SO much to do, but most of what's left will be fun stuff - picking out rugs, painting the bonus room, buying furniture, etc.

The joys (ha, ha) of homeownership appeared on day 1 - wasps in the backyard that needing ridding, loose screws on the playset that need screwed in, leaves that need cleaned out of the beds, light bulbs that need replaced, outlet covers that fall off and need longer screws. That makes the house sound like its in disrepair, but its not. Really, its GORGEOUS.

***

It's so gorgeous that its hard for me to believe that I live there. I'm having a hard time articulating this feeling I have. My husband and I come from meager homes. My parents were factory workers. His worked for the school district. I knew we were living below our means before, but this home is nicer than any other in our family, any home we've every lived in. We've got these two beautiful, funny, and healthy boys. My cancer is gone. We have great jobs. And it just all seems too perfect. I'm starting to have anxiety that something is going to go wrong. Car wreck. Burglar. Getting fired. Broken arm. Anything.

On the other hand, I also feel like all my hard work has paid off. I have a liberal arts degree. I was fully prepared to be a social worker or ask people if they wanted fries with that. I started out in a non-profit and earned a commensurate salary. And I started out as a freakin' secretary with the company where I work today. But it seems like all of my years of hard work have paid off. My master's degree. My moving all over the midwest. Late nights. Personal sacrifice. Relationship building. All of it. It really feels like I've made it.

So, I vascillate between feeling like I'm living in a dream, like I'm Cinderella at the ball and any minute now the clock will strike midnight - and trying to become okay with being successful. And even as I write that, it sounds smug.

I think I have issues with money where I'm more comfortable scrambling for cash and living month to month than I am with this identity of being stable, and even more than stable, having money. Not that its a lot. It really isn't. Its just more than I've ever had. And it feels weird. Like I don't deserve it. Like its not really me. Like someone's going to come along and say, oh no, not you, we didn't mean this for you. We made a mistake. This is someone else's life.

Maybe I need therapy.

T Minus Five and I'm Definitely Counting

2011-03-14T18:59:00.000-07:00

T Minus Five more nights in the condo. In the 865 sq ft home we have enjoyed for the past 360 days. SO ready to have some space. And the additional daylight in the evenings thanks to daylight savings time has made me DESPERATE for my boys to have a yard. I'm also looking forward to have SPACE for me to have some alone time without feeling like I'm hiding in the bedroom from DH. And to walk on my treadmill. And to have friends over for dinner. And for the boys to have their own playroom. Dream.House. Can't.Wait.

***

I wonder if I should start parting my hair in the middle like Kim Kardashian.

***

Took Jack to the pediatrician last week for an ear infection: Doctor's Visit: $75, Prescription: $24

DH took Will to the minor med center tonight, same diagnosis: Visit: $20, Prescription, $80.

WTF?!

***

I'm also considering getting a Brazillian Blowout, but its $250. And that seems oppulent. But as overweight as I am now, I think it would be nice if at least my hair could be skinny.

***

Reason # 1,000,001 why I'm excited to move .... THIS happened at "MY" Walmart this past weekend. I know that no place is purely safe, but I'm definitely ready to move to the burbs and out of the United Nations. I went to this place in daylight, and darkness. With my children. And alone. And I N.E.V.E.R. felt safe. The people there eyeball you. They invade your personal space. They ask for money in the parking lot. And they're probably all normal, God-fearing peopel who would never hurt you. But there have probably been 100 people mugged there in the past year and it took this event for me to find out about it. Seriously. I was there on Sunday. there was no chalk on the parking lot. No police tape. No sign that a customer had been KILLED by the acts of another customer less than 48 hours prior. SO.READY.TO.MOVE. I'm such a sell out. and I'm okay with it.

Lots of Little Stuff

2011-02-23T19:18:00.000-08:00

So....the diet has tanked. I lost a couple pounds and have mostly kept those off but the treadmill is now buried under moving boxes. And I'm eating whatever I feel like, which is only healthy about 45% of the time. Yes, less than half. I'm hoping to get back on the wagon once we move into our new home in 24 DAYS! I'm so sick of this tiny little condo. I leave almost shaking with anger every morning ... from parallel parking in the lot to the tiny little space we all have to share which really limits my activities during the all important nap time, I'm definitely ready. And the boys, oh I'm so happy for the boys to have a YARD to play in! Simply.Cannot.Wait.

The move is just about 30 miles north of our current home. And so this requires a lot of changes. Thankfully, our pediatrician has two offices so we'll just move to the one closer to our new home. Tried out my new dentist yesterday. New pre-school has been selected. Goodbye 24K/year. But SO excited for the boys. They will have a huge touch screen computer, super cool teachers, and a splash park in the summer. Seriously, this place has its own splash park! I never thought I'd be the kind of mom to splurge like this, its not like they've been in pricey daycare so far, but this placed reeled me in. And the best part is they can go there until their 12 - summers, Christmas break, before/after school with a bus ride to their elementary school. And as an added bonus its less than 1 mile from our house. I'm in love with this pre school. They start there about 2 weeks after we move, so I'll be driving them into the city, which I will hate. All that time with them in the car, stuck in traffic. I don't wish that for them. So, I may adjust my hours at work for those two weeks (I'm thinking 7 to 4) to get ahead of the traffic. Dear Boss....

I had someone notice my thryoid surgery scar for the first time out loud last week. It's been so long and I hardly even notice it myself anymore, so I was taken aback. But he had had one of those spinal surgeries where the incision is in the front of your neck, so he was wanting to connect about that. The postmaster, actually, when I was mailing a gift to my old boss in Wichita on Saturday. I don't know why I mention it, other than that I hardly ever think about the cancer or the thyroid surgery right now. I need to schedule my next body scan for April, but really, I don't live in fear. I hardly think of it. Its amazing what a difference a year makes! My boss and I will start our fiscal year budget process on Monday. Last year, when budgeting, I was on that crappy low iodine diet and all I could eat was fruit, homemade salads, homemade blank carrot soup, etc. (shiver) I H.A.T.E. that diet!

I decided to splurge for the boys' birthday party this year. Last year, we just had cake with the in laws. This year, they'll probably get two parties. One here with their friends, and one in Wichita with their grandparents. For the party here, I am trying to schedule the "my gym" for just a 90 minute play party - no cake, just juice boxes. We'll have a hard time rounding up 10 kids to attend, since they'll have just started in their new school and we don't know that many people here. I'm actually thinking of inviting some friends from high school who have kids their age, just to have an opportunity to see those friends. Still thinking about that one.

Ok. That's all I got for now. Just wanted to give you an update.

Snow Days

2011-02-05T10:43:00.000-08:00

So, the boys and I are home together again, 5th day in a row if you're counting. It's Saturday. And DH is at work, because even though he worked at least 10 hours every day this week (some of those hours at home b/c of road conditions) the ridiculous CEO of his company must have perceived that people weren't really working and so he made today a full mandatory work day. Which totally blows because I was mentally prepared for some much-needed alone time today.

I've made the best of it, and I've enjoyed this time with the boys. But I'm ready for a change of pace. It's one thing to be a SAHM (which I'm not wired to be) but its another thing to be a SAHM stuck inside an 865-sq ft condo 5 days in a row. Thank goodness we closed on our new home on Thursday - now we wait until March to move!

Things started to thaw this morning, so I took the boys to T.arget (big mistake - the road there was a hilly ice rink) and then Babies.R.Us to get a new slide (see pics below). Yes, we need some snow day distractions but we also need something for Will to CLIMB. At least that's what I read online and thought it was worth a try.

Here is a list of things he has climbed in the past 5 days:

Out of his crib
Out of his pack n play
On top of the musical table
Up on the baby gate around the tv
Up on the outside of his crib
Up the front of his dresser (which thankfully we have tethered to the wall)
On top of his bookcase and was walking around while his brother all panic-y yelled "dada!" "dada!" "dada!" obviously knowing this was not "ok"
And the WORST! - into his high chair while the tray was attached. Yes! he is also a contortionist who can climb up the outside of the tray and then somehow swing his legs around to get in the chair. Maybe he has a future in the circus!

So....I had immediately gone to the web where I get all my parenting advice, and I read that it is healthy to teach them what it is okay to climb on, and what it is not okay to climb on. And since we don't always have daylight or opportunity to get to a playround appropriate for their size, I decided to buy them a slide they can climb. Jack loves it and yells "wee" when he slides down. Adorable! And Will likes it okay. He would much rather climb up the outside of his crib, but goes back to the slide when I say "cribs are not for climbing, let's play on your slide."

As for the crib/pack-n-play situation, I just keep putting him back in. My SIL had this problem with my niece who is about the same age about a month ago, and just one nap time of returning her to her PNP seemed to work. I have only put Will back in his twice in the last hour. He's still awake. I can hear him in there talking to himself, but he's stayed put for the last 30 minutes so far. Last time I checked he was shaking his little puppy lovey over the side of the PNP. Poor little thing must not be tired. And what can you do for that?

I'm trying to do things right. But his sleep fighting has crept into the nightime schedule the past two nights, as well. Worried about him breaking or concussing something climbing out of his crib (even though its pretty low to the ground). I may have to invest in one of those crib tents. I guess I can return it if he freaks out, which I predict he will.

Sucky Day

2011-02-01T12:08:00.000-08:00

Snow day today in North Texas. The boys are napping. DH is on his laptop working beside me. And there apparently are no salt trucks to help melt the ice on the roads so everything is closed and everyone is home.

Our house closing has been moved yet again, to tomorrow, hopefully, though no one will commit. Seriously?! What is this, the drunken sailer school of home closings? I'm just ready to be done with it. Read to move and to get settled into our new life. It doesn't help that the boys are home from pre-school cooped up with me and DH in our 865-sq-ft condo. Yowza!

***

My BFF K is suffering another miscarriage. She went to her OB today. No heartbeat. She had told me about the pregnancy a few weeks ago. Scared. Worried about money. She had two miscarriages, then her son the Wy-Guy, another miscarriage, and then miss A. And now this. She declared bankruptcy last year and was seriously sweating the third child and what that would do to her marriage, her goals for the future, etc. And slowly, over the past few weeks, she had to emotionally prepare herself for another child, that even though she considers herself to have a 33% success rate, that this still might be one that stuck. And now that she got herself worked into the place she needed to be. It is gone. Another life ripped from her womb. And another D&C starting at home, suffering at home, before they finally take her in.

She is experiencing every emotion you would expect right now. Even guilt that she wasn't more excited sooner, even though she knows that didn't cause this. And it just sucks. I'm so sorry my friend has to go through this. The emotional roller coaster. The loss of something she didn't even want. But it was there, fleeting, for a moment, a couple of weeks. And now it will fuck with her mind for months, if not years. Along with her other children who have not been carried to term. Very sobering. Even all these miles away from her.

***

Another friend from work suffered a tragic loss this weekend. She had recently gone through a very painful divorce from her high school sweetheart with whom she has a 4-year old daughter. Her ex was accused, and basically admitted, to molesting a 12-year old relative. Now imagine the mind games that will play on you?! So, she started dating this other guy who was a cowboy who rode professional rodeo. He was riding this weekend while she and her daughter were watching, fell off his horse and hit his head on a tree killing him instantly. My friend attempted to revive him. Hadn't she been through enough already? Why did she have to lose again, and have to be there to witness the tragic end? It's such a sucky day.

One Third Success

2011-01-31T18:00:00.000-08:00

Haven't been on the scale in a few days. I try to avoid it during AF and also because I've been focusing on other things. That's why I'm thinking I'm one third success. I don't want to belittle what I've changed. I've found something that works for me for breakfast. For one third of my day. And its a healthy choice, that tastes delicious and doesn't feel like I'm dieting. I'm also doing good during the week at lunch. Frozen lean cuisine or some other variety that can be consumed at my desk without adding stress or guilt to my day. In the evenings, I continue to experiment with ways to make my favorite recipes lower calorie and lower in fat. Tonight was lasagna. And I had my 1.5 servings instead of 2.

I have not been on the treadmill. I have not been watching my motivational new fat shows. And I have not been reading my spark emails. Mostly.

In the past, I would have considered this failure. But I'm hoping if I redefine it as progress than I won't give up on it so fast. That I'll still with the success I've found and build on it instead of throwing it away. It's this crazy thinking I have about perfectionism. Like somehow if I'm not anorexic, then I should just be half bulemic (binge and not purge).

So what got me off track? Well, my boss was gone from work last week. So, I busted by butt on days I was hoping would be slacking. And we didn't close on our house on Friday, so I had the stress you've already read about with the finance guy. For the record, we didn't close today either. And now we're staring down a big snowstorm which may delay our closing again if we can't get to the title office. And I had my period. And was super bitchy, which you already know. And so I just indulged a little bit. But not as much as I would have in the past. Not making excuses, just actually trying to implement some of the thinking I read in one of those spark people emails.

Not sure when I'll get back on the treadmill. Maybe after we close on thse house. I just really needed a few moments to myself tonight, to sit, watch Desperate Housewives, and drink some Captain Morgan.

Pics of the Boys

2011-01-29T18:44:00.000-08:00

Posting some pics for the faithful infertile. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm excited for you, and for your family!

Family Pics

Will planning our next vacation

Jack making bracelets out of daddy's flip flops

Thanksgiving Dinner

Learning to blow our noses:

Sesame Street Disclaimer

2011-01-27T17:34:00.001-08:00

Yesterday's post was brought to you by the letters A & F.

AF is known to be a dynamic combination of letters that occurs on a monthly basis and creates extreme bitchiness in its victims.

Closing has been moved to Monday. Still fucking hate my lender. Guess this gives me more time to replace the pre school I plan to fire tomorrow.

Bitchy

2011-01-26T17:57:00.000-08:00

I've been really bitchy the past 24 hours. Really bitchy. It all started yesterday when I was trying to leave the office and everyone waited until the last minute to pester me, as I was running out the door to a meeting. And in the midst of all that the broker who we are financing our home through sends me an email saying he's worried about these documents that we haven't received yet from our bank in Wichita, blah blah blah. This is about the 10th time he's sent me a vague email that just rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure if its because he's so indirect, or his tone is just accusatory but I came unglued. I called him immediately after getting in my car to go to my meeting and ripped him, without cussing or name calling, but being definitely short and irate that he's making me feel this stress and just tell me what you want. Tell me what I'm doing wrong, etc. etc. etc. I got the paperwork to him last night. But I FUCKING HATE HIM and if our closing wasn't in two days I WOULD FUCKING FIRE HIS ASS!!!!! Before hitting send last night, I kept telling DH how I wanted to add p.s. I FUCKING HATE YOU. Which is what I went to bed repeating to myself. Today, every time I thought about it, I could feel my blood begin to boil yet again. And right now my muscles are all tense and my jaw is set and I wish he was here so I could punch him in the face.

The next victim is our current preschool. I can't remember whether or not I've bitched here about how many days they're closed. My DH had to take days off unpaid at Christmas. I've had to take several days of vacation for teacher in service days. Tonight, I mentioned that we were buying a house and would be moving, but Miss Kimberly please don't take it personally when we move the boys to a new school, we just need something more convenient to our new home. She said, "That's life." Um.....do you hate my precious little sons? Every one at that pre school usually exclaims when they see the boys, and tells us how adorable and smart they are, and how helpful little Will is all day. He's like his mommy - not even two years old yet and already stacking the chairs in the lunchroom. Very.Task.Oriented. Anyway, no one would give me a clear answer about whether or not they are open for Spring Break. And finally the teacher called the director, and they are open but there's an extra fee. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?!? I'm already paying for that week, why should I have to pay more?! These people get more days off than I do from work!

I had already taken advantage of MLK (yet another day they had off) to tour four pre schools in our price range near our new home. Unfortunately, they were all scary. Yes, scary. And I'm not that picky. So, I've increased our budget by several hundred dollars and will be touring 5 places before our closing this Friday, so I can give our notice this Friday at our current daycare and the boys can start at their new place on March 1.

They may be very good for the boys. But their location is out of the question once we move. But I'm wanting to move up the change because the communication is just so poor. Are you going to be open or not? Are you going to miss my boys or just their tuition?!

Miss Kimberly asked me tonight what we do with Will at home? Um, well, we love him, we read to him, we play ball, we talk, he puts together puzzles. He's two. What do you mean? And then, Miss Patty the weird lady who sits at the front desk who is so sad to see us go tells me how much Will has improved and how great they have done there and how he struggled to adjust to the structure there. Um, hello?! He struggled?! He's been going there full time since Thanksgiving. Why wasn't I told he was struggling? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

I'M JUST TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY BITCHY TONIGHT. BAD BAD HORMONAL RAGE. PROTECT YOURSELVES - KEEP YOUR DISTANCE!!!!!

And then wish me luck in the pre school search! I want to find a permanent place for the boys that will offer after school care that they can attend even after they start elementary school in 3.75 years. That's what I had. And I definitely don't want to be scrambling for something. I want them to be able to go somewhere familiar.

Bad Girl

2011-01-24T06:51:00.000-08:00

Went crazy yesterday. Had to work the stock show. Snuck vodka and V8 in with me. And when that was gone, my partner in crime and I downed two very large light beers. I ate a corndog. And I ate a Starbucks sandwich on the way there. I went home and had a decent dinner - new tilapia that I LOVE from Wally World. But I did not walk on the treadmill. Went to sleep at 9:15.

Gained a couple pounds back this weekend. But its Monday and I'm back on track.

Letting It All Hang Out

2011-01-21T19:26:00.001-08:00

So. I have a confession. Sometimes in the past, I have used laxatives to jumpstart my weight loss. Not as much as others I know, but definitely for a few weeks at a time.

And I'm always tempted to use them again.

And this time, I'm still tempted, but I can't.

Not because it could mess up my gastrointestinal system or it could make me malnourished.

But because I work in a teeny tiny office environment where I could never get away with going #2. I already run the fan I'm in there, just to cover up any gas that might slip out or any other noises. It's been a habit. I just run the fan every time I'm in there. And the next closest bathroom is dangerously far away in another building.

So gross, so true. But laxatives are not going to work in this environment.

Oh, and this morning, I was at 182.6. I have to confess that yesterday was 182.0 but I'm thinking all the food I ate at David Beard's Catfish Village BUFFET (I work with men, and we eat where they want) ruined my loss! I tried to eat well. Only one trip through the line, but I did enjoy a super small bowl of their delicious WARM CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

I'm determined not to let this weekend slow me down. I know I'll be out of my routine and tempted to eat greater quantities. I hope to make up for it with extra exercise. I've been walking 30-40 minutes/night. Maybe I will try to do two sessions a day for the next two days just to keep the momentum going.

Bye Bye Blog Friend

2011-01-19T18:18:00.001-08:00

I cleaned up my "Blog It Out" section last night. And I was sad to see how many blogs I used to read that are no longer out there. The weird part was that I couldn't 100% remember which blog was which person. I tend to know people by their first names and remember them that way, since that's how we comment on each other's blogs, and email each other behind the scenes. They were all very clever titles and the best of the best of all the blogs I read in the IF world, and boy did I read ALL I could get my eyes on.

These blogs were instrumental in my surving IF and IVF. I have friends who tell me they could have never done it, and there were times when in the middle of all those hormones that I was ready to throw in the towel. But all that seems inconsequential to the greatness of being a mom. Three years of my life feels like three days that happened thirty years ago. It's almost like a haze. And my blog is the only proof it ever happened. I can't imagine deleting all this.

My focus may have changed, but this place is sacred to me. And so are the blogs of my friends. How many did I lurk on back through years of betas to compare mine to theirs. How many did I cry with over a BFN or MC. How else would I know all of these acronyms?!?! And what about all my firsts? When I first de-lurked? When I first joined one of those crazy commenting competitions? When I first received an award? All of mine are years old now and still I can't take them down. When I first gave someone my personal email address? When I first friended one of you on FB? These were huge steps for me, and just as big for me as the first injection, the first vag wand, the first foster care class. They're all entertwined. Simply stated, I cannot separate the IF community from my IF experience.

And I guess I'm just sad to see it kind of crumbling as people move on.

Extreme Sustainability?

2011-01-18T19:25:00.000-08:00

So...this morning the scale went down, but not much. It made me think perhaps I would just post my weight on Fridays here. I'm still recording it in Livestrong, but maybe won't bore you with the .2 pound loss or gain on a daily basis.

Immediately after stepping off the scale, I was tempted to quit this ordeal. I mean, I can't really do it, so why try? I had this negative self talk, that no matter how long I stick with this, I won't be anywhere near my goal weight, so I might as well enjoy some McDonald's today instead of the lunch I packed. Well, first of all, it goes back to that health thing. I definitely want to be here for Will and Jack. Definitely. Want to lower my cholestrol and keep my body strong so I can be the active mommy who isn't hiding under a tarp-like cover up at the pool.

So, then I started doubting my method. All of this in the span of about 10 seconds while taking my thyroid meds and brushing my teeth (that's my routine - pee, strip, weight, pill, teeth....) Maybe so far I haven't done anything extreme enough. Maybe I should eat pre-packaged Lean Cuisine, Weight Watchers, Healthy Choice entrees for every meal? Well, that's ridiculous! That's not sustainable or realistic. I am going to need to be able to eat at least some foods I've prepared myself.

I want to do something drastic enough to notice a change in my appearance, fit of my clothes and/or the scale. Help me feel like all these 'choices' I'm making are having some effect, moving the needle toward the goal. But I also want this to be something that I can continue forever! The problem is what I consider sustainable obviously is not resulting in fast enough...results.

So, one change I started today which we'll see how it goes is this...for my homemade dinner tonight, I had 1.5 servings on my plate the first trip to the kitchen. My logic is this. I always finish what I have on my plate. And I normally have two servings, which includes all of the second one even though I'm starting to feel full. So, tonight, my initial serving was about 1.5x the amount I would normally take and I totally did not need the second helping. Wahoo! It worked. And I totally felt full all night. And it was LOW FAT lasagna. Same ingredients I normally use, but fat free or low fat.

And then I watched the premiere of "Heavy" on A&E which motivated me to get on the treadmill even though it was later than normal and I really just wanted to eat a handfull of chips. And it was the best "treadmill" workout I've had so far this time around. I was "really" sweating. Really. I continue to only allow myself to read the book I'm loving right now "The Help" which motivates me to stay walking longer than I normally would.

Even though I've committed to not reporting it here tomorrow, I'm hoping I will see at least .5 pound loss overnight. I know. I know. I'm not supposed to weigh everyday, but I can't help it. I need the instant gratification, and constant feedback. Its my thing.

Oh, and while watching the Jersey Shore and drooling over some crackers the Situation was eating, I saw previews for the next episode of "I Used to be Fat". I see more motivation in my future!!!!

Oh no! 185 point Oh!

2011-01-17T17:32:00.001-08:00

So, the weekend wreaked havoc on my attempts to eat better. I do feel like I ate better, but apparently the scale disagrees.

I was home with the boys today. MLK Day celebrated by our school. I used the time to look for a NEW school. One that will be open more often (seriously wasting all my vacation this year on daycare/preschool closures), and that will be more convenient to our new home, and the new building for my office.

It was not a success. I'm starting to think I need to find a pre school that also has after school care for elementary children, so the boys can continue to go there when they go to school. But those are WAY more expensive. Like $2200/mo vs. $1300/mo. Yes, $900 different! I was hoping I would find them a new school today, and so am disappointed I did not. We have to give 30-day notice at their current school, so if they're moving, then I need to tell the school adminstrator by next Friday. And I desperately want them gone by March 1. Why? Well, because they won't pro-rate a month, meaning you have to pay a full calendar month at a time. And in March, the school is closed a week for Spring Break. WTF!?! A week of vacation that I have, but I'd rather spend next summer with family, and oh, my husband who doesn't have vacation time yet in his new job. So, I came home this afternoon and made some calls during naptime. And will make some more calls tomorrow. And everyday until I replace the school that gets more vacation than me!

In diet news, the boys and I went for a walk with my friend E and her daughter this afternoon. 1.9 miles by the car's odometer. She's a SAHM, so she loves company, and I don't get to see her that often, so it was awesome. And a much healthier alternative to Starbucks or wine, which is what I would have done with her two weeks ago. She's dieting, too. Weight Watchers. And has already lost 10 lbs. And when she started was 10 lbs lighter than I am now, which makes her now 20 lbs lighter than me. Grrrrr! And she's beautiful. Like Latin beauty queen beautiful. I didn't find her motivating, but I also didn't feel like cursing her. Maybe I'm maturing.

Tomorrow, I'll be back at work and back in my routine. I'm hoping to shed at least 2 lbs this week, which would put me at 183 by Friday. Wish.Me.Luck.

Yo! Still 184.6

2011-01-16T11:39:00.000-08:00

I hate weekends for dieting. During the workweek, I can be weak and hide behind my routine. I only eat what I've packed or have in the fridge at work. The schedule. The limitations. It works for me. Weekends lack all structure. And give me time to think about how hungry I am.

It is about 1:45pm. The boys are down for their afternoon nap. I ate a 500-calorie lunch about 30 minutes ago and about all I can think about is how hungry I am. DH is working on his laptop. And I'm reading diet blogs for motivation.

This is not my first diet. My weight has fluctuated as long as I remember. The first time I had any success with dieting was preparing for my wedding in October of 2002. Weight Watchers. I lost almost 30 pounds to a wedding day of 163.4. Yes, point 4. I remember.

And promptly gained it all back.

A few years later, closing in on 200 pounds yet again, I went to my doctor who prescribed Meridia. That time, I got down to about 150 pounds (lowest adult weight) and promptly gained it back after falling off the wagon and onto a ham sandwich bender at my brother's wedding. My SIL talks about watching me eat all those ham sandwiches. I love white bread and Miracle Whip!

Since that time, I've had very informal dieting and exercising. Yo-Yoing my way between 170 and 190 at any given point during the year.

I was down below 170 when I got pregnant with the twins just because I'd been active that summer, and gained at least 50 pounds during the pregnancy. After the twins were born, I didn't have much time to eat, ate everything I wanted, and somehow was less than 10 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight when I had my thyroid out.

And then all bets were off. My metabolism was positively wrecked by not having those hormones before I could start replacement drugs, and having to go off my meds every time I needed radiation. Metabolism is so so crazy, seriously, if you consider I was eating hardly anything and GAINING up to 10 pounds in one week.

To make this one a big success story (like the WW and Meridia of my past) I am trying something that worked for me in another area where I was struggling - infertility. I have been reading books (the Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl, check) and blogs and sparkpeople emails. Adding every little tidbit to the arsenal in my brain to try to push out all the negative self talk and visions of chocolate and carbs floating around up there.

Hope I don't bore you all to death, but this blog is going to be my journal to help me deal with the struggles to make healthy choices. And according to Diet Girl, blogging might help me burn 5 calories. Woohoo!

184.6

2011-01-15T12:13:00.000-08:00

Wowza. I weight 184.6. Which is down 3 pounds from last week, but still scary.

I have been tracking my food every.single.day on Livestrong. And I've only missed one day on the treadmill. Not bad for the sedentary girl I've been since fall. I've been reading the daily emails from sparkpeople. Still eating til I'm full, but making lower calorie or lower fat content choices. Not huge sweeping changes, but hopefully something I can stick with. I have a trip to Vegas at the end of March for work, so I'm hoping to be down to 175 by that time. Wouldn't be ready to buy new clothes, but at least fit in the clothes I own better by that time.

According to livestrong, I weighed 175 a year ago. Wow, I really did let myself go this past year. It started with all the travel for work, then the radiation and crappy low-iodine diet, then just the move and all the stress of our new life and then DH going back to work. All excuses, I know. But I used food to relax and deal with the stress. And it was just one less thing to be responsible for if I ate whatever was easy and convenient. The truth is, though, that the diet I'm following right now isn't all that inconvenient. I think most of my better choices have just been in awareness - once you start logging your food intake, you're more conscious of everything you put in your body.

And the treadmill, that has been a HUGE help. I haven't researched it, but I feel like since I had my thyroid out, my metabolism is SO much better if I exercise. Earlier this year, DH and I took the boys on walks almost every day, and though its still warmer in Dallas than up north, its too cold to take the boys for 40-minute walks outside. And I had joined the gym when I first moved to Dallas, thinking I would work out at lunch. Which I did exactly two times. And realized I need my lunch hour for work. I'm not always at my store, I don't always take the time to leave for lunch, and usually just eat at my desk while working or paying a bill. So the treadmill is a way for me to get exercise given my current lifestyle. If DH picks up the boys from preschool, then I drive straight home from work and am done about 5 minutes after they get home. If I have to pick up the boys, then I try to walk right after they go to bed. So, I don't miss any time with them, and I don't feel guilty like its some burden to DH.

So, instead of thinking of all the reasons why I "can't" exercise or eat right, and instead of trying some crazy fad diet, I am trying to make small changes and focus on what I "can" do right now to change the shape of my body, and to make sure I life a long, healthy life.

I was also motivated by being around my mother over the holiday. She doesn't exercise. Never did. And when she visited last fall, she commented on how active we were (still love the image of her hunting for an ashtray on the trail by the lake!). She is only 58, but she acts to me like she's 78, slowing down and has a hard time keeping up with us. Because of our education and IF, we had the boys later than my mom had me. And so I want to be even healthier than she is, at an even later age. If I'm going to be the active senior I want to be, then I need to be healthy today.

Plus, I'm vain. And I want to look good in some new clothes.

New Blog?! Dieting Bites

2011-01-04T18:05:00.000-08:00

So, I have definitely let myself go. But I'm working to turn that around. The result of which may be that this becomes less of an infertility blog and more of a diet blog. Lifestyle change, not a diet. I know. I know. I know. But it feels like dieting, since I can't really call two days a lifestyle quite yet!

So, I'm tracking my food intake on livestrong.com which used to be just the daily plate but has now somehow been taken over by Lance Armstrong. I was trying to be motivated by the users on sparkpeople.com but mostly just found them unattractive. And I'm more motivated by skinny, attractive people. Shallow, I know.

DH bought me a treadmill last night, which I used tonight before he came home with the boys. Felt good to be doing *something* about this situation. I am more conscious of my eating, if not necessarily eating better. I mean, I haven't had any fast food for two days, but that's not really my normal diet. I'm more of an evening snacker once the boys go to bed. So, my snacking is down some.

Basically, I want to lower my calories and fat intake. And follow this advice my doctor gave me years ago - never let your head hit the pillow without 20 minutes of exercise.

Wish me luck.

Seriously cracks me up!

2010-12-08T07:01:00.000-08:00

Horrible Sadness

2010-11-19T18:23:00.000-08:00

Today started like any other day this week. Aggressive schedule. Contractor meetings. Chauffering the owners of our company around town. I was feeling really good about all my boss and I had accomplished in the past two weeks. I was excited to go have some beer with him, and debrief from our big day of meetings, and debate the pros and cons of our top two choices.

On my way to the beer joint, I called the office to let them know I wouldn't be coming in today. It was just before 3pm.

And everything stopped.

One of our dear employees, J, never came back from lunch. She had an aneurysm at lunch. All by herself. A treat she gave herself on pay days. Her favorite little Italian place a few blocks from the office. She began vomiting, and collapsed. She never regained consciousness. This evening, after she was transferred to a better trauma center, they performed tests and found no brain activity. Someday tonight or tomorrow, her family will take her off of life support.

The true irony is that one month ago to the day, her ex-husband - the one true love of her life and father of her only child - killed himself. One.Month.To.The.Day.

And now their adult daughter has to try to live. With all this tragedy.

And I'll never see her again. Never be able to tell her how much we appreciate her. How important she is to our success. How we treasure her as a person. It's just all over. In an instant.

When her ex-husband died, I debated whether or not I should go to the funeral. I'm an outsider here. I moved here when my company 'bought' this company, acquired these employees. I didn't know if she would want me there or not. But I don't often get much opportunity to tell these employees that I value them as people, so I went to the funeral. On a Saturday. Even though it pretty much eliminated half of my quality time with the boys for that weekend. Looking back, I'm so glad I went. I thanked her here and there, but I never got to tell her how important she was to me. Hopefully that one small gesture gave her some sort of an idea of how important she was to me. I hope.

I thought venting all these thoughts here would make it more real to me, but its not. I just can't hardly believe its true. I can't believe she's gone. And I'm just so so sad.

Sad News Fun News

2010-11-18T17:31:00.000-08:00

I could make every 'thankful' post about the boys. I am so grateful to have them. I love them just the way they are. They're funny, cute, spirited little dudes.

Here's two reasons why. A long and short story.

1 - our dear friends here in Dallas. Probably the two people who have welcomed us the most. Lost their baby this week. The baby stopped growing at 7 weeks. They are devastated, of course. They have a 19-month old baby girl, who is adorable and fun. And they were both so happy to be pregnant again. I am so sad for their loss, and still so grateful we never had to endure a miscarriage.

2 - for the past week or so, our little Will has been taking off his pajamas sometime between 8pm and 7am. Correction: his pajamas AND his diaper. Shocking the first time, I'm sure you can imagine. Even when there is poo in his diaper, he hasn't played in it (thank GOD) and has not made pee'd or poo'd anywhere in his crib. He just takes off his pajamas. So, last night, I took an old school diaper safety pin and pinned his zipper through both sides of his pajamas. These are the flannel pajamas with the feet.

The little contortionist somehow got the pajamas down to his waist while they were still zipped up! He must have somehow got his arms pulled out of the sleeves, and then maneuvered them up through the collar. But his hips prevented him from getting them all of the way off. So, tonight, he is sleeping in the outfit he wore today to see if its the pajamas he doesn't like, or he just likes to strip and go naked.

I worry about him getting cold, hopefully he'll cry if he needs us.

I love that he has combined my intelligence and tenacity with his father's mechanical aptitude. And I'm so thankful that I get to be his mom!

All Abount the Benjamins

2010-11-16T17:47:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful for the good fortune of finding out my DH's new job is a 'qualifying event' so I can open a Dependent Care Reimbursement Account with my employer. Which will save us about $1500 in taxes in 2011. Woo Hoo!

Less Pout, More Gratitude

2010-11-15T17:14:00.000-08:00

So, DH called our accountant today and learned that the extra % in the tax bracket is just for the income actually IN our tax bracket. So, its not the extra 10% on all of our income, just that which we earn over the 15% bracket. Soooooo grateful he made that call! Life feels much better today. Still not wealthy or all the disposable income I'd like but he did save us (in my mind) about $7,0000.

Can I get a (tax) break?

2010-11-14T13:08:00.000-08:00

So, with DH's new job starting next week, we have been updating our budget in anticipation of the great wealth one would expect with my ginormous raise in taking this job, and his 50% raise over his last job back in Wichita.

Can any of you guess what the problem is with all these windfalls?????

We are now moving up a tax bracket. And not just a small move. A big one. The big one. 10% more of our income will now belong to the federal government. All my life I have felt like paying taxes is a small fee for the freedoms and infrastructure we have in the United States. It's a small fee. Until you lose an additional 10% of your income just because your husband got a job!

DH is so positive. He says we've just reached a new plateau and every increase in income over this will be gravy. I'm trying to knock things off of our monthly expenses. Car payments. Student loans. Daycare. Yes, the boys will start pre-school full time in one week, and I'm already counting down the months until they can participate in the local education system. Seriously, SO expensive! But worth it.

I am still in disbelief, and looking forward to talking to our accountant when we get our taxes done in hopes of something other than the standard deduction or our standard exemptions or some advice that can help us to decrease our taxable income. I fear it will just be the way it is for us for a few years. Stupid taxes.

We're looking for a new home. Somewhere closer to where my office will move next September. We're not serious about looking at homes, but just about neighborhoods and commute times right now. So far, nothing we absolutely love. In my exhuberance to take this job, one part I was really looking forward to was finally getting our dream home. Right now we life in a closet-sized condo which is VERY cost effective. The rent is low, the utilities are low, the internet and cable are free. But the finish work, ah the finish work, is GORGEOUS! Dark hardwood floors, travertine tile, granite countertops. But tiny. I want the same finish, but more spacious, with a yard for the boys. And a kitchen counter / island that opens to the living space. Oh, and a two-car garage. Staring down winter, I'm definitely going to miss that while living in this condo.

And so today, I am trying to be grateful that we're thinking of this tax bracket crap in advance and hopefully won't be surprised by a big bill come tax time for 2011. And grateful that we have plenty of time and options. I should be grateful for all the extra income, but right now, the net is a loss not a gain, so it doesn't feel very extra. And mostly I am just pouting.

Saturday

2010-11-13T18:00:00.001-08:00

Saturday is an easy day to be grateful. I was so happy to sleep in (even though I accidentally had set my alarm). We had a great morning at a local fall festival with some friends from work. The boys were terrified of the bouncy house, but enjoyed the bouncy slide and the train! I enjoyed a quiet afternoon to myself shopping for me and my boys. The boys needed new car seats since DH got a job, we'll both need car seats in our cars in case one of has to work late, etc. I 'needed' new black boots for my skinny jeans. And the boys also got some new blocks and new pajamas...And tonight, DH and I enjoyed some pad thai. And now we're vegging on the couch with some good Tivo on the tv. I am so grateful for Saturdays!

Three More

2010-11-12T18:57:00.000-08:00

11/10 - Grateful this day is over! Whew! It was killer!

11/11 - Thankful the weekend is almost here!

11/12 - GRATEFUL for the weekend!!!!!

Are you sensing the theme?! It was a big, big week for me at work. And now I'm ready to veg with my fam. Love.Those.Dudes.

Did I tell you DH got a job?! So, the boys will be in pre-school/daycare 5 days/week starting on the 22nd. They're already going one day / week to Mother's Day Out at this pre-school, and I know the structure environment will be good for them. I'm happy for the extra income, and yet kind of pouting that now I'll have to get up earlier, so the boys and I can be on the road in time to drop them off at school and still get to work on time. (sigh)

Family Pics

2010-11-09T18:58:00.001-08:00

Grateful my crazy photographer FINALLY delivered our family photos today. Only 2.5 weeks late, and after the following excuses (lies)

My email didn't go through

They were lost in the mail

My father in law has cancer

My grandmother is dying

I'm in the ER with pneumonia

My daugher is sick

My husband is out of town

I'm going through a divorce

I'm in a 3-day walk for the cure

And the greatest of all when she showed up at my office earlier today ... I left the CD at home! That's right! She had to make TWO TRIPS over 30 miles each way to finally get the CD to me. Poor little liar!

Catching Up

2010-11-08T17:00:00.000-08:00

11/6 - Thankful for a great evening of family fun having my mom kick my butt in Scrabble!

11/7 - Grateful that my wonderful mother came to visit - and grateful that she's gone so DH and I could just hang on the couch!

11/8 - Thankful for my kick a** job that I totally rocked today. Busyness and Business going well!

Day 5

2010-11-04T06:11:00.000-07:00

Thankful for my work ethic, and happy I'm not the crabby person I have to deal with today.

Day 4

2010-11-03T17:12:00.001-07:00

So, I missed Day 3.

1) I am thankful for the person who expressed interest in my car today. It's only been for sale for like 5 months. Hopefully, they like what they see!!!!!

2) I am thankful to live in Dallas with all its vast resources. Today we took the boys to the children's museum which was awesome. What a way to wear them out!

30 days of Thanksgiving

2010-11-02T06:13:00.000-07:00

Here is a Halloween pic. DH is the Situation. And me as Snookie in the back. I had a few too many and deleted 'all' of the pictures on our camera, so this is the best I have of our costumes.

I have been seeing on Facebook where people are posting one thing each day for the month of November for things they are thankful for. I really don't feel like doing that on Facebook, but it is totally something I would have done back when I took better care of this blog. So, I'm going to give it a shot. Since today is the second, I have some making up to do.

1. I am thankful that my mammogram was clear last month. And I don't have to have another one until I'm 40. How incredibly humiliating!!!!!

2. I am thankful that I did not make a total arse of myself at this Halloween party with my co-workers this weekend. (My boss is the mad hatter!) Everyone seemed to reach the same state of drunkeness at the same time, so I was saved.

Hopefully I'll have something else for you tomorrow.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2010-10-21T17:43:00.000-07:00

Can you believe how big they are??!?!?! Jack pushing Will while Will is in the storage compartment in their little ride on toy. It's the only way to get them to share when they try to wrestle it away from each other - encourage one of them to push!

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I am having a mammogram tomorrow.

Not really, its actually because my new Dallas OB (seriously O.V.E.R. finding new doctors!) recommended it for my 'dense' breasts. And....she wrote on the paperwork the number of medicated cycles I have had - 4 in case you lost track.

I'm oddly not that worried about it. My BFF H. had one for the same reason. And I have other friends who have had them prior to boob jobs. So, its not totally uncommon, just a precaution. I guess I just wasn't expecting it at age 34.

That being said, all the publicity this month for the awareness and save the boobies and all that is kind of creeping into my skull. I have to keep changing the radio station and avoiding restaurants with their pink roses. There was a Susan G Komen Race for the Cure walk/run by our house last weekend. Etc. Etc. Etc.

It's not as serious or as emotionally disturbing, but its like a mild case of the way you feel when you're TTC and you hear a friend got her BFP or you read an article about the Duggars. Um, hello, I'm trying to avoid thinking about this and you're ruining it for me!!!!!!

In other news, the boys have started a Mother's Day Out program one day / week at a local pre-school. This week they were finger painting. How cool is that?! They still aren't talking as much as I'd like. But I suppose I also may just not be very good at hearing them. Will says something that sounds like "Go!" or maybe its just "Bo". He never will repeat anything on command, so its hard to say. So, I am narrating the life out of them. Yes, you have the blue cup. Jack pulled Will's hair. Will is swiping Jack's orange ball.

Work is good. Busy. Busy. Glad I'm here. DH is still looking for a job. It seems like nobody called all summer and now he gets a couple calls/interviews a week. Hopefully, he can be picky. The job he has a second interview for next week is actually MORE than he was making in Wichita. Which would just be so freaking awesome! Imagine! We would actually be better off, which was the plan, but just hasn't worked out yet.

My mom is coming to visit for a week. She arrives on 10/29. She's been having some financial struggles. DH and I have been talking about how we might help. I don't even know if she'll let me, but I am really upset about it, and I really want to do something. It's the least I can do.

Ok, I gotta get back to this episode of Jersey Shore. Doing some research for my Halloween costume - I'm going as Snooki and DH is going to be the Situation. I promise to post pics!

Free and Clear

2010-09-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

So, the dramatic body scan is over.

My appointment was last Friday at 11am. I sat thru the scan in a much more 'ghetto' setting than my scans in Wichita. They literally used a chair as a footrest.

When the scan ended, I was left alone in the room. I had been watching a scan on the monitor, and when I stood up, I was checking it out. It showed the three major areas - throat, lungs, colon - that they seem to check each time. Only the neck showed a much larger white spot that had spread out from the scan I had last Spring.

My heart sank. I was having pretend conversations with my doctor about what we can do once I get all the radiation I can get. What are we going to do? Who's going to raise my kids? It was tragic.

A few moments later, the tech walked in behind me and said, "That's not your scan. That's the guy before you." She then starts typing on the computer and pulls up my scan - which is completely black, meaning completely and utterly free of any detectable cancer.

And I feel like I've come out from under a dark cloud. Blissfully able to plan a future with my family. To have dreams. And goals. And maybe even someday, more kids. Or not. But I've got time.

On the more realistic side, I need to have another clean scan in 6 months before I'm really out of the clear. But this is definitely a start. And it makes me happy I opted for the aggressive second treatment a week or so before we moved to Dallas. I feel like I made good choices. And I had fabulous medical care. I am so grateful to my OB who spotted the tumor, my fabulous surgeon who did such a clean cut for my basically invisible scar and who left so little tissue behind, as well as my oncologist who gave me my doses, and my endocrinologist who sent me back to the oncologist when my first radiation didn't completely "ablate" my cancer. And my husband who watched my boys, friends who came over to help him, and listened to me all along. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

p.s. The boys are GREAT. Adorable. In to everything. Still not talking, but maybe getting close. We catch an 'up' or an 'uh oh' in between all the 'daddy's Love those guys.

IF Snob

2010-09-02T20:10:00.000-07:00

So, I have a total body scan tomorrow. And I'm such a sh*tty patient. Such a snob. An IF snob. A whiney, complaining baby. And why do I say this? Because I think it is RIDICULOUS that I have to trek across town everyday for pre-scan shots in the rump. Um, hello?! If I can shoot myself up with progesterone in the rear for months, months I tell you, then I can certainly handle two days of thyrogen. Progesterone in O.I.L. and this stuff is thin with a short little needle that I barely feel when the elderly nurse makes me bend over - yes! bend over, are you kidding me?!. I admit it, Yes, you have to mix it. But I have mixed my meds before. So, I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to injections, you know?!

Also, loving the Proverbs on some random Bible blog I've been getting in my Google reader lately. Here's yesterday...Proverbs 16:9 - "In his heart a man plans his course but the Lord determines his steps."

Think on that.

Long Time Gone

2010-08-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

Wow. 4 months since my last post. Wow.

It's a combination of the speed of life in Dallas, and the fact that our ultra small condo does not allow much alone time for me, and I somehow don't like to blog in front of DH. Weird, huh?

I really do love our life here. I love my job. Love my new boss. He is, in a word, brilliant. But so much more. He's really making me feel included and inviting me to participate and to be his partner, which is what I so desperately needed and was missing in my last position. I know I made a good choice. Can't imagine being in Wichita today. No way!

DH has not yet found a job, so he is still staying home every day with the boys. They are walking now. Still no words, but they definitely are smart cookies. Jack stands in front of the fridge when he wants a drink, and walks to the changing table in his bedroom when I ask him if he wants his pants changed. He will pucker up for a kiss, and start taking off his shirt if you ask him for it. Will doesn't seem to have the same grasp on language, but I'm not worried. He's smart in other, more devious ways. Like figuring out how to climb on top of things to reach things on the counter. Or how to put one of mommy's flip flops on his own foot. He's so demanding and task-oriented. He likes to take my shoes off while I'm standing in them! So he can try to put them back on. I definitely see some parenting books in my future for that little dude! So determined. So like me! And I had always blamed all my bad behavior on being an only child. Apparently....its genetics!

I am scheduled to meet my new endocrinologist on September 1st. He will measure my blood levels, and perhaps schedule a scan so we can see whether or not the radiation in March irradicated the big C. I don't hardly ever think about it, which is good, since there's nothing I can do, really. But sometimes I worry its spread to my jaw or my skin. It's kind of a curse, this diagnosis of mine. Makes you feel susceptible to things, just brings your own mortality into the forefront. Not where it belongs.

We're waiting to make a final decision on whether or not we thaw out the totsicles until we get this cancer diagnosis behind us. I'd like to have one more, maybe, but then we'd need a different car, more money, more time, etc. And we really do have a good deal with the boys. I don't want to be greedy. Don't really want to risk having another child who is less than healthy. These two little miracles are more than enough. I still am in awe that they are here. Of course I get tired and impatient and desperate for more personal time. Of course. But I look at their little faces, and I see them learning and growing and they are just true miracles. My little dudes. And I am grateful and happy. I don't need another child to be happy. I got the dream I never thought would come true.

Exhibit A

2010-04-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

In our short life in Dallas so far, my husband and I have been amused by the name of several businesses...Exhibit A....

Home Again Home Again Jiggity Jig

2010-03-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

I'm home. Have been for hours. But the drive here must have taken it out of me, because I'm just now to the point where the laptop doesn't make me hurl. So, I've mostly been sleeping. Had to take a sick day, which kills me. We only get 3. I just had to be honest with myself.

The pizza has been ordered to arrive at 5:15pm (doctor pushed it back on me). I broke down and had a piece of toast this afternoon. No butter or anything, but my tummy really seemed to respond to the one they gave me at breakfast, so I thought I'd try it again. Fortified me somehow.

The window repair man - one of like 9 repair men we've had to come to the house in the past few weeks since the buyers' home inspection - is due to arrive around 4:40pm. I'll be in the basement so I'm sure he won't bother me. I just hope he's not in DH's way this evening. He's replacing one window in our kitchen, office, and nursery. So, we can shut the door behind him and then he shouldn't have to worry about tripping over the boys. Plus, they'll be eating when they first get home, then DH is taking them to one of his friends from work's house to pick up our dog who we gave this weekend, but its not working out. So, that one item that had been crossed off our list is now back on the list of crap we absolutely have to get done before we move. Boo.

Ok, that's enough thinking for today. Thanks for your support and kind words. I am so pathetic this time around. So weak. And tired. And dizzy. I don't know how people do this for weeks at a time for rounds of chemo. I am so lucky I just have this one treatment.

One Step at a Time

2010-03-14T17:17:00.000-07:00

I'd like to rush and multi-task and have that somehow speed up this schedule, but I can only get through this one step at a time.

I have to admit.

It's harder this time.

I'm more tired. Exhausted, really. After the injections started, all I can do is lay in bed. My poor husband had an even earlier start to my being no help (which we were expecting to start when I left for radiation). I can't stand. I can't pull myself out of bed. I just want to be laying down all the time. I can't even watch tv. I just lay here with my eyes closed.

I'm dizzy. When I stand. Even when I'm laying down and I move my head too fast.

I'm nauseas. I broke down and took the anti-nausea meds yesterday, which I never needed last time. My stomach is just churching. And I feel like I constantly need to go to the bathroom. And all this fruits is giving me tremendous gas.

I'm drooling more. I think I had this last time, too. It drips out onto my pillow or whatever surface on which my head has fallen. And it chokes me.

It really is harder this time. It's so bad that for the first time, I actually feel like I have cancer.

I go to the hospital tomorrow. I hope to eat normal food starting at noon on Tuesday. I am looking forward to a Papa John's pizza. Cheese. Large. With Garlic Butter Sauce.

This may not end up being the case, but I somehow associate eating real food with feeling better.

Radiation Scheduled

2010-03-09T18:04:00.000-08:00

Well, my TSH was only 9, so they wanted to push my treatment back. But because of the move and all the scheduling issues surrounding that, they are going to give me thyrogin injections this weekend (Saturday and Sunday) and I should be ready to go for my treatment on Monday, the 15th. Which means I should be able to hold my boys again no later than the 22nd.

Thank GOODNESS because I'm SO ready to be off this darn diet. I see a Pepperoni Pan Pizza in my future! And a lot of starving between now and then.

Today, I have consumed

Orange Juice
Mountain Dew
A Banana
A small salad of baby spinach/olive oil/balsamic vinegar/roasted almonds/strawberries
Homemade low-iodine roasted vegetable/boiled chicken soup with matza crackers
Water

How can I be gaining weight you ask with such low caloric intake? Well, apparently, your thyroid is responsible for your metabolism. And not only does eating hardly anything slow down your metabolism, but your absence of thyroid meds will do that also. So, no weight loss pour moi.

I had a great day working with my new boss today on budgets. He told me it was so nice to have a partner. Love it!

After we quit for the day, I drove over to our new condo to pick up my pre-radiation prescriptions at what will be my new local pharmacy. And the pharmacist was SO nice, knew my name, greeted me by name, chatted me up. He did this with everyone. The people here are SO friendly - except when they're driving ;-) The commute was about 35 minutes, which is a little long but not too bad. I have about 50 other routes to try. No highway, just stoplights. And I tried the grocery store right there. It was small. Are all Tom Thumb's tiny and old? And do they not have self check out in Texas? We shall see....

Hired the movers today. Big step.

All of the multi-tasking which I'm used to doing is hard to do without that metabolism thing, too. I have such a foggy brain. I booked airline tickets under the wrong name, so had to sit on hold with Southwest forever, but they were very kind in fixing it for me. I kept using the wrong dates when getting our corp. secretary to book hotel reservations for me. And I just felt really stressed, like there was too much going on for me to keep it all straight. Just 1.5 more days of budgets, and then I should be back in my own office where I can turn off some of the background noise. Sigh. I H.A.T.E. that this medical issue impairs me in any way mentally. But I know it does. I'm just really scattered. Flaky. And yet constantly feel stimulated. Like I'm on the verge of a headache and my mind won't stop racing. But not about any one thing. Like about everything. Ok, enough thinking about that.

Miss my boys. Excited to go home in a few days. Excited to bring them back with me next time.

low iodine diet - day 6

2010-03-08T18:22:00.000-08:00

Sitting in my hotel room in Dallas. I'm here for 4 days....and I LOVE IT!!! I love the people. I love the vibe. I love what I'm doing. I love working with my new boss. Who I loved working with before, but was somewhat worried about how things would be when I was his employee, not just his friend or a member of the corporate staff.

I'm giving myself 15 minutes to update here before calling DH.

DIET
S.U.X. But I am trying to not dream about sinking my teeth into a burger, or fries, or bread, or anything else I love and cannot have. But I will definitely be having all of those things and more when I can. Even the new pacific shrimp tacos at taco bell look good at this point, and I don't think I would normally crave shellfish from a fast food joint.

So, today, I have consumed the following: 1 glass of orange juice, an orange, a small spinach salad with homemade dressing of olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and sugar with strawberries and toasted almonds (yum!), baby carrots with no.salt.added peanut butter, cinnamon applesauce, and a Sprite.

I brought with me to my hotel other foods like more fruit, potatoes, and some homemade low-iodine roasted vegetable soup which is kinda good with some crumbled up matzah crackers. Almost as good as tomato soup with saltines. That's who desperate you get for food on this diet.

As you can see by the quantity of food consumed above, I'd rather just go hungry. You may notice my dinner was carrots and applesauce. I think my sons had more calories today.

TREATMENT SCHEDULE
Aforementioned love of food is why I would have loved for the hospital to have called me back this afternoon, to tell me which day I can have my treatment next week, or even I guess if I can have it next week, if my levels were high enough today. I had a blood test this morning before hopping on the company plane. It felt like the world stood still for me for a minute there. President and VP of my company on stand by, waiting for my call, to meet them at the airport.

Anyway, still hoping for treatment next Monday or Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest, which would mean I could eat real food again next Thursday at noon.

BOYS
Jack has had loose bowel movements since Friday. He seems like he feels find, but even the old BRAT diet isn't working. He's had it all. Bananas. Rice cereal. Applesauce. Toast. Still loose. Keep trying to decide whether or not to take him to the doctor. He seems to feel fine?! The boys have their 4-week follow up swine flu shot on Friday, so maybe we'll just wait until then to ask. I don't know. The follow up shot is normally a junior nurses' assistant, so probably not into getting advice from her. Maybe I'll call on Thursday if he hasn't changed to solid by then. It's such a fine line between being a worry wart over-reacting parent and negligent.

Will has a cough, which I fear may lead to sinus infection. I'm constantly analyzing his sucking and coughing and tugging anywhere near his head for signs its come back.

THE MOVE
DH and I worked tirelessly on our basement this weekend, sorting unpacking and repacking. Items for garage sale. Items to move. Items to throw or give away. It was like a bad HGTV special. And EXHAUSTING. Being off my meds, having the boys there with us, and knowing we can't put it off because there just aren't enough days left before the movers will arrive.

I need to call the movers to get that contract signed and get them scheduled. Our lease has progressed. Realtor received our application fee today and hand delivered it to the leasors' office. Hoping to know tomorrow or Wednesday if we have any problems there. Shouldn't. But there's always a chance.

Lots of work has already been done to our home, and there is more to come. All the crap we need to do to pacify the buyers, who have every right, but I have every right to resent it because its money we're spending on something that was good enough for us, but somehow not for them, plus I'm just cheap and want to get out of the house as cheap as possible. Electricians were there Friday. Chimney measurements Saturday. Glass guy sometime in there, too. Chimney guys are due back tomorrow to install whatever was leaking. Roofers next week. Etc. Etc. Etc.

You can see why I'm excited to have this time in my hotel room with the tv off just listening to the keyboard and the mini fridge. A few moments to call my own when I don't feel compelled to do something productive.

But....maybe I should review that moving contact one.more.time. ;-)

low iodine diet - Day 1

2010-03-02T18:48:00.000-08:00

Hating the diet. Today was the first day. Smoothie for breakfast. Strawberry salad for lunch. Beef recipe for dinner was crap, so I ended up eating matzo pb and j. One and a half.

We were in Dallas looking for a new home this weekend. Being off my thyroid replacement makes me tired, and this time with all the other stuff going on right now, I am also emotionally drained. So, I would be excited to look in the morning but by late afternoon almost in tears regretting my decision to move there. Our realtor was gret. We covered lots of ground. And today I think we agreed on one. I was struggling over trying to find the total package in just 3 days - on our budget! Location. Space. Finish. Appliances. Pool. Washer/dryer. All these things you don't worry about when you own your own home. Getting there in person made me confront how we get the boys from our car to the condo and vice versa. This would have been so much simpler without kids. But I wouldn't want it any other way. So, long story short, I am finally excited about Dallas, excited about where we are going to live. Finally. I have been excited about the job forever, but am finally now starting to picture our life there. Finally.

Lots to do in 4 weeks. I figured out tonight I need to start a project plan like what I use when we acquire businesses. Then, I will feel organized. There's just so much to coordinate. Utilities off. Mail forwarded. Oh, and the repairs needed from our home inspection. I'm waiting for 2 more estimates on movers. Seriously, like 7 different repair-type people. Electrician. Roofer. Glass replacement. HVAC. Lots of petty little things, and it won't amount to much money but its going to require mid-day trips home to meet repair men. Sigh.

The boys are standing and smiling. Both clapping and babbling. We're working on more solids. Less gagging. And sippy cups.

timeline

2010-02-17T19:24:00.000-08:00

I accepted the job in Texas on Monday night.

Told my boss on Tuesday morning.

Had an executive staff meeting to formulate a replacement strategy on Wednesday.

Our house went on the market today.

And we have our first showing tomorrow.

Wish us luck!

The Stars at Night

2010-02-11T09:59:00.001-08:00

The Stars at Night ... are Big and Bright [clap, clap, clap, cap] deep in the heart of TEXAS!!

In the most surreal experience as an adult, I received 3 simultaneous job offers yesterday - from my boss and two other division managers in our company. Simultaneous. As in all of them, in the same room, one after another, in front of each other.

They are giving me a week to decide. And I have a meeting in a few minutes with the owner of our company for his input. But, OMG, I think we're moving to Texas! Best offer. Best promotion. Best job. Best bonus. Best. Best. Best. From every angle. Except the whole relocate and re-start your life, find new friends, doctors, a new hair stylist, a new Walmart, a new commute to work, new home, sell your old home, sell stuff so you don't have to move it kind of way.

I hope to formally accept on Monday. I have a few negotiation points to work out with my new boss before I commit. But there is like little to no chance I would pass on this opportunity.

DH has promised not to tell his family until AFTER my rescheduled birthday this weekend. They live here in town, well, his mom and her husband do, and they are going to FREAK! And I definitely don't want to be around for the guilt they are going to put on him. I can almost hear it now ... 'you're keeping us away from the boys' Um, yeah. You live in the same town. And you see us 6x/year. Whatever! As you can tell, he will be the better choice for this conversation. More empathetic. I mean, I've lived here and away from my family this whole time, but they seem to forget that. Like my sacrifices don't matter.

Oh, and the other hard part. I have to tell my boss. Who will have to replace me and/or take over my duties temporarily/permanently. Her offer sucked. It was insulting almost, but not her fault, just the way they value the position she was offering. They obviously value me higher than that, if they're willing to pay the higher wage for me in Dallas. So, its the position they spit on.

Ok, can't think straight. Just wanted to share my joy! Now all the planning begins, there is so much to do just to move, plus have another radiation treatment before we go!

Oncology Update

2010-02-09T06:23:00.000-08:00

First, I am still sick. You're probably sick of hearing about it by now. But going to the doctor helped. I am now on a super-strong antibiotic and have some delicious cough syrup with codeine. Codeine! As in a derivative of cocaine! It's all so dangerous and potent! Well, it is working better than the other OTC meds I was taking, so that's all I care about, really.

Second, the 411 on my visit with Dr. R, the oncologist. First, he was apologetic that I had to be back. I guess this was his first time dealing with my scan results, when I dealt with them weeks ago. I could have used his sympathy then, but somehow it was a burden yesterday.

He said the size is so small (a stubborn remnant) and my initial treatment was so recent (just 6 months ago) that he could see how if we waited, they maybe just hadn't had their full effect and it would be gone in a few months. To me, the test to see if they worked and the treatment are so similar that I thought we should just go for it. He thought that was a good plan too. Last time I had a dose of 125, this time he will give me 75. I still have to go off my thyroid replacement. I still have to suffer through two weeks on the ridiculous low iodine diet. I still have to go a week without human contact. I may still have cancer when its done.

DH recommended we have a nice dinner before I start the diet. He is so sweet to think of that.

So, I started my 'pretend' thyroid meds today. Two weeks of these before I'm cut off completely. This other thyroid med is supposed to make me less spacey, at least initially. I already feel spacey enough with this head cold.

So, that's that.

For those of you on the edge of your seats, I did not go to Panera. I was good. I ate my quiche. I was good all day. I guess I just needed some event to work toward, and H's wedding is just that. September 25th, I believe. Plenty of time to drop 40 pounds, right?

Oh, and for those of you following my career path, the VP of Ops at my company has called a meeting of the following people tomorrow afternoon - the President of our company, my boss, manager #1 who has offered me a job, and manager #2 who has offered me a job. Whoever decided to drop that guest list in my lap either thought I was stupid or wanted to drive me nuts for the next two days. Obviously, I know the topic at hand. I am nervous about being under such high powered scrutiny, and also excited that they may just decide my fate for me so I don't have to make this colossal decision.

More News Later.

oncology

2010-02-08T06:27:00.000-08:00

Still sick.

Sitting in oncology waiting room.

Trying not to cough or sneeze or sniffle. These people have enough to worry about.

I think I'll call my GP to see him later today or tomorrow. I'm starting to think this is a sinus infection.

Now waiting for scans. For some reason even though the bldgs are attached, having my scan done at the clinic means my oncologist at the hospital doesn't have a copy. Um, was I supposed to request that? I thought it was assumed, as in the whole reason I am here.

Patience.

Really struggling over being good on my diet and going to Panera for a delicious bfst sandwich on my way back to the office. It's just scross the street. I mean, come on?, I have cancer! Don't I deserve a little bacon, egg and delicious Tillamook cheese on artisan bread with a delicious hazelnut latte? If I'm good, then I'm staring down coffee without creamer or sugar, and some low fat/ low carb turkey quiche. I really think I'll be strong. I deserve to be skinny!

Oh, and did I mention that my bff from high school asked me to be in her weddimg in September?! Just the motivation I needed to be good. Seriously, oldest bridesmaid ever!

This Birthday Bites

2010-02-07T13:36:00.000-08:00

You know what bites? Being sick on your birthday.

From a cold you presumably caught from your darling son earlier in the week.

And when you're sick, you can't diet. You can't work out. You can hardly breathe. And if your heart rate is up, its from all the energy you expend hacking up a lung. Certainly not from the treadmill or eliptical machine.

I've received approximately one million facebook happy birthday wishes, which are really sweet, and so fun. But they aren't doing me much good.

I've been in bed at 7:30 for the past 4 nights, and have resorted to napping with the boys to get even more rest.

I cancelled dinner at my favorite restaurant last night w/my local BFF who also happens to share my birthday.

I cancelled lunch with the in laws today.

I cancelled our plans to attend a housewarming/super bowl party with other friends.

This.Birthday.Bites.

Emotional Eater

2010-02-01T15:14:00.000-08:00

It's 5:14pm. I've been home all day with Will who has an ear infection and a high fever and is just not very happy about it. Who could blame the poor little guy?! For the first time in his almost 10 months on this earth, he fell asleep on the floor today.

The house is silent.

I am tired.

Stressed from being up all night holding Will, getting him a doctor's appointment first thing this morning, getting his brother to daycare, stopping by my office to pick up some work to do at home, getting Will to the pediatrician, getting Will to get his rx at Walgreen's and getting home all before 10am. And then putting him to nap so I could work, but really not being able to concentrate much, because I had to clean my house for my friend to come over to stay with him while I went to my very own doctor's appointment.

I finally broke down on Friday and called my endocrinologist about my body scan and blood work. I saw the note today in his hand, it said "Wants to know test results" which isn't a direct quote of my call, but good enough. His nurse called this morning while I was in the Starbucks drive thru - did I mention I had time for a pit stop on the way to Will's dr appt? Yum! Anyway, his nurse called, and they had a cancellation for today (supposedly) and they got me in. Not sure it was worth the time and money that will cost my insurance company when he's just referring me back to my oncologist, but its over now.

Dr M said that the first radiation treatment killed off my remaining thyroid cells, and this second one will be to treat the cancer. And its "common" to have multiple treatments. I asked him to quantify "common." He says 20-30%. He says the cancer cells I have are so small, so trace, that they are undetectable with sonogram, so its not like I have a big tumor. He seemed to be dismissive of the cancer (its miniscule, but its cancer, so we gotta treat it) without being dismissive of me. Which felt really good.

My radiation won't be for at least 6 weeks, because I have to go on this other non-Synthroid prescription for a month, then be without any thyroid replacement for the two weeks that I do that stupid rotten low iodine diet. Blech! The diet on which you can eat nothing and you still gain weight because your metabolism is so freaking slow! Yes, that one.

So, I made it all day eating right. I had a skinny latte from Starbucks. Leftover South Beach friendly chili for breakfast. A piece of natural peanut butter on whole grain double fiber bread for lunch. And some water here and there. But tonight I'm thinking PIZZA and CHOCOLATE. Self medication is good, right? In moderation. If I don't do it every night.

Whether or not I eat the pizza, I'm beginning to recognize this pattern where I reward myself for putting up with a doctor's appointment by eating my fav breakfast sandwich from Panera, or I make myself feel better for having a rough morning by having a chocolate shake. The last few weeks, I haven't been succombing to the temptation. I mean, I feel it, but I've really been letting it pass and just eating the right thing.

And it has paid off. Not my goal weight by any means. I mean, wouldn't it be great if you could lose one pound for every salad you ate? It would be great. But that's not the world I live in. But I did happen to lose about 6 pounds since my last appointment with the endocrinologist, back on January 4th. I'd rather have lost 10, but I'll take my 6. If only the doctor had noticed ...

Snarky Post

2010-01-26T18:16:00.000-08:00

Because we all like to other people complain, I will tell you about the Monday to beat all Mondays in recent memory.

7:35am - have boys, day care supplies, workout clothes, laptop, brief case, coffee, lunch, snacks, etc. all loaded in car, headed to work a few minutes early so I can be at my 8am meeting on time.

7:36am - car will not start.

7:37am - phone husband to come back home to retrieve us.

7:38am - call boss for ride (I'm on her way), but she has already arrived at office.

7:39am - call VP for ride (I'm on his way), but he forgot his cell phone at home and was running late.

8:05am - arrive at work after hubby came back to get me, we both dropped off boys. VP pulls in right behind us.

12:15pm - ride home with boss during her lunch hour, tell her I'll work from home this afternoon while I wait for a tow truck.

1:00pm - call for tow truck.

3:00pm - tow truck still has not arrived. Call for update. Driver supposedly ran out of fuel and had to return to base. I was next.

4:00pm - tow truck still has not arrived. Call to complain. They had two trucks down, they've been behind. He's on his way to me.

4:50pm - tow truck still has not arrived. Call to complain louder. Driver is stuck in traffic nowhere near my house.

5:40pm - tow truck still has not arrived. Call to complain and demand free service, but tow truck pulls up outside, so I hang up while on hold. Truck driver was NOT apologetic, but I did not take my frustrations out on him.

I complained to two people at auto dealer about the tow truck company they use/recommended. They cut my diagnostic charges in half. And I didn't even finish complaining to the tow truck company before she offered to refund the charges. And my car was just flooded. A fluke in the design of my car, caused by my husband moving it on Sunday. In total, I think I'll be out $40 which is nice. But my Monday was pretty much shot.

So, for anyone in customer service, what might have the dispatch clerk have done differently?

Perhaps she could have told me they were running behind, it would be hours before they got to me, so I could go back to work, do something else, etc. etc. etc.

Maybe she could have told me they wouldn't get my car to the dealership before it closed - which they didn't - so I could call another tow company for faster service.

But she didn't do any of these things, so I wasted half a day at home, frustrated and waiting for a tow truck.

Oh, and because they didn't get my car in to the shop on time, it wasn't diagnosed yesterday so I had to take a cab to the airport to catch my flight to Dallas this morning. And so I had to listen to my concert promoter / speed skater cab driver for $30 worth of a ride at 5:15am. And he was 5 minutes late, but because he tried so hard to be chatty I tipped him anyway.

BUT - other than skipping the exercise, I was good and didn't eat any bad carbs or fat. And so, the scale was kind to me overnight. Although ... pizza would have REALLY hit the spot. So woudl chocolate chip cookies!

The Best 90 Minutes of the Day

2010-01-24T14:47:00.000-08:00

What is it you ask? What are the best, yet fastest passing 90 minutes of the day? Well, not every day, but some days, its NAPTIME!!!!!

Diet is going well. I have worked out everyday. I have eaten right. I have lost 5 pounds. Yay me! The really sick thought is that I've dieted so well I've started spotting. Not unhealthy. I'm eating plenty. Don't worry. But every time I start dieting, reducing carbs especially, I start spotting.

Have not heard from the doctor yet after I got the scan results over a week ago. So, I guess I need to call tomorrow to prompt someone to do something or tell me something, right?

Busy week ahead. I'm headed to Dallas Tues/Wed, road trip on Thurs, plus all the working out and cooking healthy food and planning ahead so I have the right things. And on top of that, getting our foster care license renewed, or at least the home visit part finished up on Thursday night. Seriously, we've had zero placements, and I really doubt we'll ever use it, but its easier to renew than start over if we ever need to in the future.

My in laws are idiots. We showed up for lunch today and YET AGAIN they are sitting there waiting, with CHAIRS for the boys. No booster seats. No high chairs. Just wooden adult-sized chairs. Oh, and crayons. Yes, 9-month olds use crayons. Sure! I'm so sure. Why does it anger me so much? I'm not sure but they're just so freaking worthless when it comes to the kids. W.O.R.T.H.L.E.S.S.

Random thought of the day: I am a grudge holder. There are people who did small petty things to me in high school for which I have never forgiven them, and so I will not accept their friend requests on facebook. And then I realize its been over 20 years. Like seriously. Who holds onto the time when MS told everyone at a slumber party that I buy my shampoo at Walmart for 20 FREAKING YEARS? Well, apparently, I do. Should I just buy into the nostalgia of 'hey, we went to the same high school, its great to catch up?' or just ignore them? I'm just leaning toward ignoring. Not just leaning toward. That's actually what I've been doing. Because I am a grudge holder.

9 month pics

2010-01-16T17:41:00.000-08:00

My babies are 9 months and 1 week old tomorrow. We got their 9-month pictures taken today. I'm including a couple so you can see how much they've grown. I picked the one of Jack clapping, because he seems to have taught himself this all on his own. If I clap, he claps. If daddy claps, he claps. Very cute. Since we noticed this, we've tried teaching Will to no avail.

My diet is going well. I've exercised every single day since Wednesday. Okay, that's like 4 days, but still, 4 more days than I went to the Y last week. If the South Beach recipe I make is icky, then I try to eat something else good but I don't beat myself up if it has some sugar, carbs, etc. About half of the recipes I make turn out okay.

Got my body scan results in the mail. I think its bad news, but maybe not horrible news. I guess I won't know until the doctor calls. They saw some 'abnormal' uptake in my throat in the same place as the first scan in July - only this time, smaller and less intense. Thought about freaking out when I read it, but am choosing to believe that maybe it will just mean one more round of radiation. Thinking I'll take a vacation this time, instead of having no fun in the basement.

That's all I got.

Back down I-131

2010-01-06T19:28:00.000-08:00

Well, I got my I-131 radioactive iodine pill this morning, and will have to be away from the babies until Sunday. The dose is lower this time, so I don't have to suffer through any hospital time, but I still have to avoid holding or hugging Will & Jack since their tiny little thyroids are so sensitive.

I'm probably a little overkill on this, but I'm trying to maintain a 5 foot radius, if not more, especially this first day when there is so much of it in my system.

I hate to admit it, but I'm kind of enjoying the break. I can run errands without worrying about taking them, not taking them, leaving them in a "good mental state" (i.e. fed, changed, well rested) with their daddy, etc. etc. etc. In my defense, it's already killing me not to be able to comfort them when they cry - my DH's tolerance for fussing is a lot higher than mine - but I'll make it.

I was hoping to travel Monday and Tuesday of next week for work. Missed traveling this week b/c of appointments. But not sure I want to now since Sunday will be the first day I can hold them. How could I leave them so soon after that?

Still suffering from a head cold, so no dieting or exercising yet. I found my old prescription for the salivation glands, so I can *hopefully* avoid losing my sense of taste this time. Plus, I am pushing fluids, and laxatives, and sucking on hard candy. It's like I've done this before....

Me Time

2010-01-05T18:35:00.000-08:00

Will is asleep. Jack and his daddy are playing in the living room. I just took two Tylenol PM and am hoping to be asleep soon.

So far, the new me looks and acts a lot like the old me.

I've had a rough start to my new healthier lifestyle. But instead of working through lunch b/c I'm busy, I've been working thru lunch to make up for lost time due to medical appointments.

I had my regularly scheduled follow up with my endocrinologist on Monday. He did the ultrasound of my neck himself, to check my lymph nodes in that area for any unusual growth. None found. Yay. And he scheduled a follow up visit for this summer. And then the body scan I thought I would be having in April, he scheduled for THIS FRIDAY. So, I had to have an injection yesterday, and another today. I take my radioactive iodine pill tomorrow. Nothing Thursday. Body scan and thyroglobulin blood test on Friday. A hectic schedule, but the lovely injections mean I don't have to do that AWFUL low iodine diet this time around. And it means I get to hear even sooner whether or not last summer's radiation treatment worked. I feel like it did, but what do I know?

They are oh so apologetic at that office about the injections. But as you're all aware, after any medicated cycle the needle thing is just nothing. Want my blood? May I suggest a vein? Wanna inject me in the bum? I'm pretty sure I could handle that myself. So, at least I have that going for me.

Sadly, they weighed me at the endocrinologist's office, and let's just say, I have to do something about this weight! Scary high! More than my husband and he's 6'2" (I'm 5'4"). He recommended low glycemic (guess I could have seen that coming since he also specializes in treating diabetics!). So, back to South Beach for me starting Saturday (grocery day). It's worked before for me, so I know it will work again. It's just those initial two weeks that I dread. Look for self-pity from me next week.

Work is really weird right now. I feel like I'm in limbo. I have my job. I have this job within our company I think I want in TX, and I get to work in TX whenever I want kind of doing that job, but in a more advisory role rather than actually having the responsibility or authority. And I have this other job at another division in our company that I will be offered that I probably don't want. But at the same time, if I don't get the TX job I'm pretty sure I want a different job, so why not take the one in KC? And at the same time, I can't really say which job I prefer - I need to keep my cards close to my chest until I get an official offer from someone. And the two men offering me the jobs, are my friends and colleagues who I talk to about other things every day. And who know about each other's offers. And who talk to each other every day, as well. A very weird, yet open, dynamic. And all at the same time, I kind of need to focus on my job here in KS again and start gearing that back up in case I get a budget come April.

Home life is good. I wish my husband and I could take a vacation without the kids. Not because I don't want them with us, but just so we can rest. Just lay in the sun, read fiction, and hold hands. For hours. And perhaps have an umbrella drink. But I can't imagine leaving them with ANYONE overnight. No one. I can't see it. Let alone DAYS or God forbid a WEEK! But I do daydream about it. And as soon as the boys are old enough to enjoy something other than chewing on everything in sight, then we will be headed south for a little family vacation.

And that's all I have the patience for tonight. Funny story about why. On Dec 22, my backspace key fell off my laptop for no apparent reason. So, I plugged in my 10-key and used that backspace key at work that week. And I hadn't been back to the corporate office until yesterday. Today, I found the backspace key in my coat pocket, and had an IT guy replace it for me. And he did. But its kind of crooked now and doesn't work. So, for every single typo (and trust me, I have a lot of those!) I have to use the shift and arrow keys to highlight the errant letters and then hit the delete key. Pain! Requesting new keyboard tomorrow.....

New Year, New Me

2010-01-03T09:41:00.000-08:00

I'm Back! Well, at least for today. I'm hoping to get back in the blogging habit. Julie and Julia has got me motivated!

Has it seriously been since October since I updated my blog? Can I even call this a blog if I don't write for months at a time?

Yes, I'm still IF. And DH and I are trying to decide whether or not to defrost our two totsicles or a summer IUI (I'd like any siblings to be about 2 years apart)...but what I really want to focus on right now is achieving a healthier weight and lifestyle. I've been self-medicating with food for months now, and letting work take over my life, and I'm taking control again. And I mean it!

So, here's what's been going on in my absence:

1 - Work. This is a biggie. My company bought another company in Texas and so I've been traveling there weekly. DH and I had a deal - I could be gone 3 nights a week, though I preferred 2 and I usually kept it to 1 or less. But, in general, it was stressful. When I was away, I got to relive my youth, drinking with coworkers and eating out on the company dime. It was like a hedonistic little mini vaca every week. I ate and drank whatever I wanted, and stayed up late. It was fun. But it got old. And I missed my boys. So, goal 1: less travel!

2 - Work. It's so big. It deserves two points. I have been so bored at work, with all of the layoffs and budget cuts, I've had no opportunity to do "my" job. And I feel so left out of everything at the office, because I travel all the time. I miss having a "partner" who I work with toward common goals day in and day out. Plus, I want more money, so I expressed some of my concerns to my boss and a few friends. And, as a result, I have been negotiating two job offers this spring. The first in KC, for comparable pay but a move closer to my family in IA. The second in TX, a lot bigger pay but further from the fam. I'm leaning toward TX, but still waiting for the final offer which could be anytime between now and June. Impatient me needs a distraction in the meantime... but Goal 2: new job!

3 - Balance. With the two previous work items, I have been letting myself go. Really. I had already gained 10 pounds of the baby weight back with my thyroid-ectomy. And with the indulgent lifestyle I've been leading, I've added another 5 or 7. I joined the Y months ago and have been like 3 times. I planned to exercise on my lunch hour, but ended up working through lunch and usually just hitting a drive thru and getting back to work or running Christmas shopping errands. So, I need to commit to a goal of 'never let your head hit the pillow without 20 minutes of exercise" and "more water" and "lean protein." Plus, I have an appointment with my endocrinologist tomorrow, so I'm going to ask him if he has any diet tips for someone without a thyroid. I know there will be no magic pill, but perhaps there is a certain tactic that works better given my current metabolic limitations. Plus, I don't want to do anything that would increase the risk of my cancer coming back (assuming its gone away). My health seems okay. I still sometimes say the wrong word (like I'll see you back at the garage, when I mean to say house). And my scar continues to lighten. Trying to decide whether or not to buy another round of the scar treatment at the dermatologist, or switch to Mederma....

4 - The twins. They are now about 8 1/2 months old. They roll over, army crawl, sit up, eat solids (if pureed baby food counts as a solid), smile, laugh, and get into trouble. They started swim lessons in November, and are really good natured little dudes. Will had his first earache over Christmas in Iowa. It was our first stressful trip with them, just a lot of action with all of the family around, they were overstimulated and so were we. DH and I were wise, oh so wise, to return home on Friday so we had this weekend to settle back at the house, get the Christmas decorations down, the laundry done, etc. etc. etc. Whew! Travel is so much work with kids! But they tolerated the car trip really well. Pic above is of them in their 'girlie' Christmas outfits my mom sent them. I don't normally think they look alike, but as they get older, I'm starting to think they do.

Ok, need to make lunch.

this and that

2009-10-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

Don't feel much like working today at work. I've been keeping my schedule open for an acquisition which will / might be taking over my time. But got word this morning it might be on hold, which was demotivating...

I sold my beloved car this weekend. When I bought it, I thought it was an investment for our family - a larger vehicle we would need. And I keep trying to convince myself it was a wise choice, back then. Before one baby became two, before my husband quit his job and took a lower paying one, before cancer, before the economy took away raises and bonuses and job security. I found it poignant that immediately after the new owners drove off in my 'baby' we took the twins to BRU.

We are still working on solid foods at our house. Some days they literally inhale spoonfuls of anything. And then other days, like yesterday, they can't hardly choke down a teaspoon. They seem to do better during the week when they're in their routine at daycare. But I like living in the moment and letting them hang out in pajamas until afternoon on weekends. We did buy them some handles for their bottles at BRU, with the hopes that they can start working on their fine motor skills and hold their own bottles soon. Selfish? Absolutely! But also an important step toward the sippy cup.

My in-laws stopped by for a visit yesterday. I believe it was the 6th time they've seen the boys in 6 months. And with them, they had a ginormous box of gifts! Six, yes SIX!, Leap Frog Baby animatronic toys - two dogs, one elephant, one line, one spider, and a piano. I have some mixed feelings about their compensating...I mean, generosity...it just seemed like...so much. I'm happy my boys will have generous grandparents who spoil them. But...something in the back of my brain is thinking we should put some of these toys away in the closet. I mean, they can plan with their feet for hours. So, these light-up, noise-making, sing-song toys might be a little bit of overload all at once.

I joined the Y two weeks ago. And have been 3 times. The only time I think I can go is at lunch, but then I end up working through lunch or running errands - because they're just so much easier on my own. So, no progress on my baby/cancer weight.

And one last thought, I am still disappointed when I get my period. I'm still infertile. Yes, I have these two miraculous babies who are the LOVE.OF.MY.LIFE. But DH and I simply cannot conceive without medical intervention. We can have all the unprotected sex we want. And even though I totally am not ready, and shouldn't be pregnant for a year after my radiation treatment....I'm still disappointed when cycle day 1 rolls around. Weird, huh?

Oh, and in case I have any pride left after all of the fabulous things I shared here. Will spit up on me at 4am this morning, and it got in my hair, and I was too tired to take a shower this morning, so I am walking around the office with crusty spit-up hair. It's hidden in a pony tail, but still...

W.Y.O.B.

2009-10-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know this post will appeal to only a few of y'all. And maybe I should keep this private, but I'm just so stinkin' excited! So, for those of you who feel bloated from fertility treatments, post-pregnancy bodies, and even those of you suffering from your monthly cycle....consider this -

I have been a spandex 'tummy tucker' underwear wearer for years. It was like the never-ending search for 'thee' tummy tucker.

I had normal spandex granny-sized panties, but then my belly hung over the top.

So, then I had panties that went up to my chest, but the top would roll down.

Sometimes these garments had legs to them, but I preferred a pantie without legs, because the legs would cut into my thighs and leave a noticeable line where my fat would pucker out at the bottom of the leg.

And then I had my favorite, which was a pair of panties that went up to just under my breasts, but also had like steal bar reinforecements that kept it from rolling back down. The only bad part, and by bad I mean humiliating, was that I had to have my husband help me get it all the way up in the back. We had a nice routine worked out where he would grab either side of the garment and I would wiggle my tush until the tummy tucker was all the way up in the back. Seriously, it was effective. But not attractive.

Oh, and even more humiliating, was that if God forbid I had to go to the bathroom while wearing one of these devices. My favorite one had a hook and eye crotch, so I didn't have to take it off. But the others had to be taken completely off. And then I'd have to try to wedge the back side up again without the aid of my husband! More than once I had to lure him to the hallway outside some bar or restaurant restroom to pull up my spandex out of the public eye.

I could never get into the ones with the built in bras, because my chest is HUGE and could not be crammed into them, or they were too saggy, or they were too pointy, or too wide. Nothing was just right.

But I have recently found the best undergarment EVER!!! The Maidenform WYOB Singlet. Wear Your Own Bra!!!!!

It is like a wrestling singlet, a full one-piece singlet that slides OVER your existing bra. It has an opening in the crotch that just opens like the fly on a man's pair of tighty whitey's, only in the crotch, not the front. My husband DOES NOT have to pull it up for me, I can pull it up myself with the straps. There is no rolling down, no need to take it off to pee. And although it has legs, the ends are not tight, so there is no puckering - visible or otherwise. It has fulfilled all of my needs. You should probably buy 2 or 3.

And so today I was able to wear a dress that I really should lose 10 pounds before I wear in public. Yay for the WYOB!!!

2009-10-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been a really, really long time since I posted. Probably because life has somehow gotten busier, or because I have had less to vent about.

I had this hilarious thought (hilarious to me, and probably only me but I'll share it here anyway) last night. I went to Bed Bath and Beyond to buy a wedding shower gift for some friends. I used a coupon, and then the check out lady asked to see my I.D. She didn't think this was funny, but I blurted out, "I bet people who steal credit cards don't use coupons."

I don't think she got it.

Seriously, what do people who steal credit cards care about how much gets charged on the stolen card? It's not like they're going to pay it.

It's not that I didn't want to show her my ID, I just thought it was funny.

***

Otherwise, life is well. The boys will be 6 months old. Starting solid foods has been our biggest challenge so far, but predictable, consistent practice has really gotten us to an acceptable ratio of spitting out vs. swallowing. They roll over. They giggle. They smile. They're over hating their bathes.

I curse you - HOA!

2009-08-25T13:02:00.000-07:00

Please do not read this post if you are offended by cursing. I got a little out of hand, and don't feel like masking my emotional outburst.

So, just a little venting, because what is an IF blog, if not snarky, right?!

A few weeks ago, my DH and I received a letter from our Homeowners Association (HOA) that the branches on one of our trees was obstructing the path for the community mowers, and could we please have it trimmed. DH and I discussed this, and he preferred to wait until the leaves fell off this fall, to make it less bulky. I thought to myself, yes, its August, and so the mowers will be done soon enough, so what's the rush at this point? I mean, really, its not like the branches popped out there overnight, they've been overgrown all summer. We did have a friend look at it to give us an idea of what it would cost, but were in no hurry.

In yesterday's mail we received our second notice from the dear president of our HOA saying there had been a burglary at one of our neighbors' houses, and oh, by the way, he noticed our tree still was not trimmed so if we didn't have it done by this Friday, that he'd hire someone to have it done and bill us, if not put a lien on our home.

Commence the cursing.

FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.

I would like to fucking cut down that GD tree and put all the fucking branches in this asshole's front yard. I would like to write him a letter, or better yet, call him on the phone and tell him we just had our house treated for termites, have twin sons, I just finished radiation for cancer, and my husband took a new job which meant a 30% reduction in pay. For Pete's sake, couldn't you give us a little more time?! Seriously, have you nothing better to do? ASSHOLE!!!

But then I read the covenants, which say they can do this for any repairs not made in 15 days, and so I know I'm in the wrong. DH and some of my guy friends from work will do it tonight, guy friend 1 is delighted because he loves to saw things; and guy friend 2 is happy to get the free fire wood. But I still fucking hate homeowner's associations. Seriously, fuck off! Why isn't he harrassing the lady who lets her dog run circles around her with no leash - did I mention its illegal in this town and her dog is a huge pit bull?

As a sidenote, I already hate this guy. Two summers ago when I was living in Houston, my husband built a deck on our home. One night, while I was gone, this same asshole approached DH in the front yard and told him he couldn't build that deck, because it hadn't been approved by the HOA and he approved all the architectural committee projects and so he knew it hadn't been approved. So, DH calls me in Houston, and I tell him exactly where the SIGNED AND APPROVED ARCHITECTURAL COMMITTEE FORM IS. The asshole in the yard did indeed sign that fucking form. If only I could have been there to see his face when my DH showed it to him. Fucking asshat.

2009-08-23T18:11:00.000-07:00

DH and I are watching Gangland that we had Tivo'd for weeks. Jack is sleeping in his swing. Will is entertaining himself with his voice in his baby gym. A typical night at A's home.

Jack is working on tooth #2, so its a blessing he's asleep. When he's awake, he seems mostly to be in pain. I broke down and gave him a dose of children's Tylenol. I don't want to be one of those parents who always drugs their kid for their own inconvenience (so they don't have to deal with fussing), and I also do not want to make my son suffer. Since he can't talk, this to me is a difficult line to walk. Will has no signs of teething for now.

I have an opportunity at work to move into a new position, maybe. Our business may be acquiring another business, in a city three hours closer to my family, in the next month or so. One of the VP's thinks I should take the job. I'm not sold. I like the idea of a better opportunity, moving closer to Iowa, and the potential to make more money. But we're kind of established here now, and I'm pretty secure in my current position. So, I'm flattered and flabergasted by his belief in me. And while I'm open to opportunity, I'm not sure this is the right opportunity. So, DH and I have been talking and dreaming about that this weekend. This other city has a higher cost of living, and where we would live vs where I would work would be a bigger commute, so I need to do some numbers and look at housing so I know what kind of base salary I would accept. Also, I'd kind of have to apply for this position, and I really think they should be chasing me. I guess if I don't want to put forth the effort to apply, then I already know what my heart is feeling, huh? But still, I got sweaty palms when the VP was sharing his enthusiasm with me. I was absolutely delighted!

Ok, Will's driving me nuts. I've been blocking it out, but now I need to go distract him so he perhaps will consider giving up the screech.

Single Mom

2009-08-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

My DH is hiking in Colorado. I'm home alone with the boys. It was kind of nice to have them to myself yesterday and to nap when they napped instead of worrying about what we were all going to do as a family.

Well, I maybe should have looked closer at the calendar before I told DH he could take this trip. Because the boys had their 4-month shots today. And Jack is teething. That's right! My oldest son has erupted the tip of an iceberg that is apparently causing him great pain. Last night, he was up about once an hour, but would quickly fall back asleep with some rocking. Tonight, he was in so much pain! Even the baby Tylenol wasn't really helping soothe him. My poor little dude!

Tonight was the first night where I felt bad for my twins for being twins. Because I was so caught up in Jack's care, I didn't hardly have anything left for Will. And I felt weird making Will giggle over Jack's shoulder while I was trying to speak to Jack in soothing tones. Like I was this big fraud expressing my concern for Jack when I could summon a silly face for Will. It made me so sad for them both!

I'm still pretty tired from the lack of a thyroid. I'm looking forward to getting my blood test this coming Saturday and hopefully getting my dose increased. Today, I was so tired, it was like I was in a fog. I kept asking the people around me if I was making sense! If I'm dizzy again tomorrow, I'm going to move my appointment up. I'm ready for more energy.

And on that note, I'm off to bed. At 9:19pm. DH will be home this time tomorrow night. Yay!

One Year Later

2009-08-03T12:57:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow it will be one year since we transferred our two little embabies.

It seems like all summer I've been thinking more and more about what a difference a year can make. I still can't get over how everything is the same, and yet how nothing could ever be the same again.

Both boys are rolling over now. They love to talk to us. Will laughs when I tickle him with a wet wipe under his chin - sometimes, but not always, and so he probably has the cleanest neck in the world because I'm always trying to get him to laugh. I am so amazed by my boys. They are so beautiful, so cute, so amazing to their mommy.

Little Will

Jack on his back

Jack rolling to his side

Jack *so proud* he rolled over!

Saturday Afternoon Post

2009-07-25T13:16:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to get my scan results by phone on Wednesday or Thursday. Thursday came and went with no call. And Friday morning I was busy, so I finally left a message for them on Friday and got my call back yesterday afternoon. And the results were good. Apparently, it was a normal result for someone with thyroid cancer contained in the thyroid area. So, yay for me!!!! Yay for my husband, and for my boys!

Still won't know for sure whether or not last week's treatment worked until my follow up scan in April. And still need to get my thyroid hormone replacement regulated to 1) prevent recurrence and 2) hopefully stop the massive weight gain. But in the meantime, we are elated that it probably did not spread!

So, this is how my cancer story will hopefully go: Um, yeah, well, I had cancer for a few weeks back in '09 but it wasn't really my thing, so I gave it up.

Am home alone with the boys this rainy Saturday afternoon. DH is out doing some favor for his old business partner. And test driving a new vehicle. I hope he gets home soon, just because we kind of haven't had any time together, even though he works better hours now, it seems like we spend every waking hour caring for our boys or catching up on housework. And I kinda miss having quality time with my husband.

I just cried my way through the 16 & Pregnant episode where the girl gives her baby up for adoption. It was so emotional putting myself in both the bio parent and the adoptive parents position through the entire episode. I feel so blessed to have my boys and to have had them at the exact point in my life when we did. I know a lot of people hate that show, but just like the Real Housewives and other top notch reality shows, I can't give it up ;-)

I still can't taste food all the time. I thought I could taste sweets, but not all sweets, I guess. I baked some cookies this morning, and they taste like metal to me. Lovely.

I have been considering the need to downsize my car payment so have been looking at used cars online for the past few weeks. I'd like to cut that payment in half, but I still love my car that I bought last summer, and I'm not sure I'm ready to let it go. But after diapers, formula, and wipes, there's just not a lot leftover in the old grocery budget each week, and so I would like to find some place to cut back. But I love cable. And cable internet. And my car. And our house is cheaper than rent anywhere would be, and more spacious for all of us. And for some reason, I can't convince myself to eat PB&J morning, noon and night. Loser. ;-)

I think its a pretty strong indication that we can't afford to even THINK about more children yet considering my reaction to the cryobank's puny little bill for keeping our totsicles frozen this next year.

In real life baby news, my oldest (that would be Jack, by 2 minutes) thinks he wants to roll over, but mostly he just scoots himself around in a circle. He arches his back, stomps his left foot and rolls to the right, but somehow it just rotates him around. It's so fun to watch. Will is mostly content staring at things while kicking, but I'm sure he'll be up to similar antics soon enough.

Three Things

2009-07-22T10:46:00.000-07:00

I had my scan yesterday. Three significant things about that.

1 - I.GOT.THE.ALL.CLEAR.TO.HOLD.MY.BABIES.LAST.NIGHT. Wahooooooooooooooooo! Will decided to celebrate by being up for about two hours in the night, hanging out with mommy in the rocking chair and couch. Precious time for me, even if it was in the wee hours of the morning. Totally worth it!

2 - I had my scan at the same hospital where I had my c-section, thyroid-ectomy, and radiation. But I had never been to the nuclear medicine area before. Um...what is the deal with leaving people basically immobile on a totally thin table with whatever type of imaging hardware that is two inches from their face while random people stroll up and down the hallway and into the adjoining bathroom?

The scan tech had me potty before my scan, and as I closed the bathroom door to the adjoining room I saw what I thought was a mannequin on the table in the next room. But realized on my way out after the scan that EVERY.SINGLE.ROOM had a person, just lying there in the dark with the door wide open. It was eery and somehow wrong that the doors weren't closed. Not that you're scanned naked or even in a hospital gown. But still.

3 - I can expect my scan results via phone today or tomorrow. And that, to me, is basically a time bomb. I know that if this has spread, that the treatment I had last week is basically the treatment for anywhere else it might be. I get that. But finding out its in my lungs or breasts or brain...well, that's going to be an emotional thing to hear. Yet, here I sit with my cell phone on vibrate, constantly by my side, waiting for that bomb to go off...or not.

Radioactive Girl Update

2009-07-20T17:52:00.000-07:00

So, I have officially lost my sense of taste. It's a common side effect of radiation treatment. It could last days, months, or forever. No way to tell at this point. In its place, I have a slight metallic taste in my mouth. And my tongue is kind of numb. At least I had a few good days of taste after the iodine diet...oh and I'm still gaining weight. Mother F.

I went back to the office today, which was a joy! I was way more productive there than in the basement. And I'm sure being around people helped my emotional well being, as well.

I have my body scan tomorrow. Won't have the results until Wednesday or Thursday. Praying that the cancer is isolated to the neck area and has not spread anywhere else.

My husband has both boys on the couch. I type this from a folding camp chair in the dining room (MUCH more comfy than the dining room chairs!)

Last night, I laid on the couch with my lead apron doubled over by my neck with the boys on the other couch across the room. Well outside of the six foot range, but I still wanted the lead between them and my neck. It is hard to describe the emotional reality of constantly maintaining a 6 foot radius between you and any other human. THIS is why people get crazy obsessive compulsive disorders and hypochondria. I'm not choosing that, but I can see how you get there from here.

Viral Infection

2009-07-17T13:52:00.000-07:00

So, I somehow picked up the flu this week. Was shocked to find myself vomiting at 3:30am. So, I called my PCP and was able to get in this morning. Fortunately, he has been cc'd on all of my treatments lately so he knew everything about the twins, the thyroid-ectomy, and my radiation therapy. I found that very reassuring. Especially since I'm not normally sick and hadn't seen him since....well....probably back when my husband was first diagnosed with his varicocele. So, 2 or 3 years.

It was nice to see him, and his nurse. He diagnosed me with a viral infection (common flu). Treating with 36 ounces Gatorade, a prescription to combat the trots, and ... unfortunately ... back to bland foods. The RX is working already, which is wonderful. And I've kept down all my food plus the Gatorade. So, life is good.

It turns out good that I could see him, so we could discuss how he will manage my thyroid replacement until I see the endocrinologist in October. We worked out a plan for labs on the weekend, and appointment with him on Tuesday evening which should help me avoid missing too much work.

Did I mention that he's totally hot? And the first thing he said when he came in the exam room was he liked my hair? Yes, cursed with another great hair day during isolation. I got bored and straightened it yesterday. At least SOMEBODY got to see it.

I also got a TSH test, which will be my measurement of how my thyroid is being suppressed and replaced now for life. I need it to be .1 to .2 and after two days on the hormone, it is still at a 70. Which may explain why I'm still gaining weight even though everything I eat goes straight through or comes back up.

***

I had been feeling guilty about how little work is actually being accomplished in this house this week. My focus is improving, but I am still not as productive as I would like to be. But I remembered how much I worked during maternity leave. Probably 1-2 hours every day. So, given 6 weeks of leave, at 10 hours a week, then I probably had accrued about 60 hours of comp time anyway. Being back in the office next week will definitely get me back on track. At least I hope.

***

Yesterday was a really weepy day. I am blaming the thyroid hormone. After DH left with the boys for daycare yesterday, I was struck by this image of him raising them without me. Just typing it makes me tear up again. Anyway, I was hyperventilating, all out bawling in the shower with fear. I'm strong. And most days I'm rational. But when I open myself up to the emotional reality of a cancer diagnosis, I'm scared. I don't want to die.

Radiated Tears

2009-07-14T13:04:00.001-07:00

With all the entertaining photos during my stay at the hospital, I never got around to the truly deep and meaningful thing that happened to me there.

The night before my radiation therapy, I prayed to God to be with me on Monday since I would have to go through everything alone. Mentally preparing for the 'idea' of driving myself to the hospital and not having any visitors there was just bizarre. Thankfully, I'm an independent person, but I was still a little unsure of doing this all by myself.

God answered that prayer in the form of JL.

JL is a member of our church. She is a GLBT mother of 4 - two adopted special needs children and two bio children. The second bio child she had through insemination. (IF issues like us) She is a foster mother. (like us) I had been wanting to meet her for months to pick her brain, but could never get to it (they sit on the opposite side during worship and would always be gone before I could get over there). Anyway, about the second or third Sunday we brought our twins to worship, she came over to meet them. And she and I talked for about an hour that day about her foster care experience, her kids, her story. I knew she was a nurse, but she normally works in ICU.

Yesterday, she walked into my room, not really recognizing me, until I say, "Hey, I think you go to my church." And she screams out, "What are you doing????" And then caught herself, "I mean, obviously you have thyroid cancer, but where are your boys? How did this happen?"

So, we have this woman who I respect and admire, and who I totally connected with after the birth of my sons. But it gets even better. She had thyroid cancer two years ago and has already had the treatment!

She spent about 30 minutes with me, talking to me, and telling me her story. We compared new pictures of her kids and the 3-month pics of our boys. And I'm tearing up just recounting it now, because I know in my heart that JL was God with me that day. I wasn't alone. He sent her to comfort me. It was and is amazing how he answered my prayer.

God is good.

***

Last night, I was the recipient of a text-a-thon from a bunch of my drinking buddies at work known as the Deuce-one-Deuce. I'm the only female, which makes it especially enjoyable for me. Right around 8pm, I started receiving texts and phone calls from these guys who were students in a Management Development course I teach. There were my second class, or the 2nd graders as they call themselves.

My favorite one was from one of their wives, "Please call me if there is anything I can do. Anything. Errands. Cooking. Cleaning. Glenn is grounded from Sam's Club so I'm sure he'd be happy to get you anything from there."

***

And then today, I walk out to the mailbox to find a care package from my friend J.

J. was one of my rooommates in college. We weren't really friends, we just got along well enough to share a room. We both worked. I was a waitress. She delivered pizza. We had no friends in common. We did not socialize. But we chose each other, year after year. It just worked.

When we were juniors, J. became pregnant. The father and her had been dating, but he kind of flipped out on her and wasn't really supportive. So, I went to childbirth classes with her. And sometime that summer, she went on bed rest to prevent pre-term labor, so childbirth classes ended. I remember joking that the childbirth people thought we were 'together' and I remember she layed on this inversion table with her head below her heart for awhile in that hospital. She didn't have a lot of money, so up until this point, she hadn't had a lot of pre-natal care. A few weeks later, she picks up on something the nurses are saying and figures out she is having twins. I shit you not, she had no idea there were two in there! And she gave birth to her twin boys less than a week later! And I got to babysit them both on Valentine's for her, when they were about 5 months old. Which may be why the thought of my own twin sons was not so overwhelming. I've always lovingly referred to them as my Valentine's dates.

We graduated from college in 1999. Since that time, she married the twins' father and they have a daughter now. They live in WI. We live in KS. I was in their wedding. She came to our wedding. But those are the only two times I've seen her in 10 years. We talk on the phone maybe once a year, and rarely email. But oddly enough, she was planning to bring the kids here for a visit this weekend. Until I called her about the cancer and radiation. Now, its just her coming to visit, to help DH with the boys all weekend. A perfect helper - someone with experience with twins.

What are the odds?

All those years ago, I wasn't a very good friend to J. At least I never felt like I was. I was a pretty big partier, and she never touched a drop. But she remembered some handheld Solitaire game I bought her for the hospital and wanted to repay the favor. So, today in the mail, I found this care package. Magazines. Lemon Drops. And photo frames to take with me to isolation. One day too late for the hospital. But just in time for my basement quarantine.

I was so touched, and so moved, that not only is she coming to my home all the way from Wisconsin, but she sent me such thoughtful items. All with little sticky notes on them. I am humbled by her consideration and care. Really. What could I have ever done to deserve all this?

***

If I don't stop crying these radiated tears pretty soon, this place is going to be an EPA superfund site.

Radioactive Girl Goes Home

2009-07-14T10:36:00.000-07:00

I am home, which is mostly important to me, because it means I can eat whatever I want. And ... all the remotes go up AND down ;-)

I am sequestered in the basement. It's difficult not to touch anything when I venture upstairs for ice. There are dirty bottles on the counter that I want to put in the dishwasher. A pacifier on the table that should go in the binky box. Etc. Etc. Etc. I just want to straighten things like I would under normal circumstances.

I've had my lunch and some soda and I'm feeling better already. Still not ready to focus on work, but I definitely feel better. Have somehow become sucked into a 7th Heaven marathon.

Oh, and here's what's left of my lunch. (Last picture, I promise!!!!!)

I'm Movin Out!

2009-07-14T07:36:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard Anthony's Song? The meaning doesn't really apply to me, but the refrain, oh the refrain....IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm movin out!

The geiger count has been read and apparently the 20 gallons of water I drank yesterday worked and I have effective flushed my system of enough radiation to go home any minute now. Woo Hoo!

I have a few things to get off my mind before we move on to the pictures.

1 - I drank enough water in the last 24 hours to make even the idea of water cause nausea. Not that I would throw up, but just the idea of taking one more sip made my stomach roll. Not fun.

2 - I hate hospital remotes that make you flip through every station, where you can't punch in a number or at least go 'down'. I scrolled through the medical crap so many times last night, you know, the educational channels offered by the hospital? Well, one theme that I kept noticing was breastfeeding. Which always makes me kind of wish I had tried longer or more to nurse our boys longer than the whopping 3 weeks I survived. But I keep reminding myself that if I had, I would have had to give it up now anyway, which would have been just one more added stressor on the diet, the hospital stay, the remoteness and perhaps made this harder for them and DH as they would have been so accustomed to me! So, anyway, that's that.

The warning posters on my door. I'm not exaggerating when I say that the nurses and food service people would open my door, stand in the hallway, and ask me questions. I'm afraid had I gotten up out of bed and walked toward the door, they would have backed even further away.

Last night's dinner - one piece of plain chicken, one baked potato with no skin, lime jello. I don't think I can ever stomach a baked potato again. The texture, the flavor, all of it! Gag.Gag.Gag.

Breakfast this morning. Another gagger - plain oatmeal that I churched up with some banana slices and sugar packets. I didn't finish it. Couldn't. I was getting nauseas from all the mushy blandness. I'd rather go hungry!

I-131 is not a Freeway

2009-07-13T10:46:00.000-07:00

Greetings from Radiation Therapy!

I am stuck in the hospital, feeling just fine, for the next day or so.

To pass the time, I've brought work, my laptop, the second book in the Twilight series, my cell phone, two letters to write, and my camera!!!!!

So, for my first blog in radiation, I thought I would send pictures of my hospital room. It's oh so...private ;-) Mysteriously, no one gets to room with radioactive girl.

There is a paper trail from my bed, to the toilet, and lots of paper in there. My urine will be radioactive, so they try to minimize the contamination in the room. I've also been instructed to 'flush twice' after each trip to empty my bladder. I'm also supposed to flush any food I don't finish.

This big trash can is ALL MINE! I will use it to dispose of my plates, cups, utensils and any food I can't flush. Notice more of the paper trail on the floor.

I snuck this photo of the cannister the pill came in when the oncologist wasn't looking! It looked scary and menacing and they kept talking about "half life" this and "gamma ray" that. I don't think they saw me take this shot, but if they did, then I guess they'll know what a freak I truly am. The pill was inside in its own glass case. It was blue.

Only in isolation could I have such a fabulous hair day. Had to snap a pic as evidence! Sorry, its blurry. I'm kind of dizzy most of the time thanks to the whole no thyroid hormone thing.

Unfortunately, the low iodine diet continues until I'm released from the hospital. This is a plain hamburger patty, and a baked potato with no skin. I also got a plain lettuce salad with no dressing, which I promptly flushed. And some fresh fruit, which forced me to pick around the melon to get to the two slivers of strawberry and 4 grapes. It was a bland, boring meal, but reasssuring that the food I've been eating at home has been right on track. I may have to move to Idaho if I eat many more potatoes!

More News Later,

The Potato Metaphor

2009-07-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I was preparing a salt-free pot roast. Unexpectedly, when I cut into one of the potatoes, I found a huge black rotten spot in the shape of a star. That darn potato was rotten at the core.

Somehow, this reminded me of me. Not that I'm rotten. Naughty sometimes, maybe. But not rotten. But I do have a black mark inside me, a cancer that you can't see from the outside. And that caught me off guard when they cut into me.

I'm sure that's how many women suffering through IF feel, too. Like there is this hidden black space in their uterus, ovaries, cervix, etc. etc. etc. I never felt that way, since we have MF. But I thought the potato was a bit too meaningful today. F that potato symbolically reminding me that there is this cancer within me.

Minor Freak Out

2009-07-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

First, the good news. The PA at the oncologist's office called me yesterday afternoon, and shared that my TSH was already at 42 (needs to be above 30, but hopefully 50 by treatment day; normal value is between 2 and 4). So, it means my surgeon did an EXCELLENT job removing my thryoid. And, it means that we got to schedule my treatment, which we did for July 13th. All good news. The only downside being that I needed to start my low iodine diet immediately.

I knew this was a possibility, and so had planned ahead by eating Taco Bell for dinner the night before, and a chocolate shake over my lunch break. I had even kind of read through the low-iodine cookbook during my training hour (not when I should be training, but when I facilitate online training, kind of like a homeroom monitor). So, I wasn't freaking out but was definitely anxious to get to the grocery store and get something I could eat for dinner.

Also at lunch, I had kind of started reading labels and looking for some no-salt-added foods. All I could find was no salt peanut butter. But even then, I had to find the no salt PB that didn't contain any soy contaminents from the process, because soy contains iodine, too. And since the diet is the one thing I can control right now, and because it has such a great impact on whether or not these I-131 is effective, I am trying to give it my all.

Even though I thought I had a good jump start, I knew I wasn't as prepared as I would like to be. I didn't have a grocery list all ready to go. And DH's aunt was coming over after work to get 'instructions' for caring for the boys since our regular daycare provider has vacation next week.

SIDENOTE: I will always say that our daycare provider is underpaid. Even with two paid weeks of vacation a year, which means that I have to pay her for a week of nothing, and someone else to actually watch the boys. She is still totally underpaid. So, even though the money thing stresses me out, she deserves the break and I want her to take it. Although, it would be nice if family would do this for free ;-)

Anyway, DH wanted to get a haircut after work, which was fine. I texted him that the diet would be starting and I would be anxious to get to the store when he got home. But to please go ahead and get his haircut because I wouldn't be able to leave until his aunt got all of her instructions anyway.

So, he gets home, I still have no grocery list. And he is jabbering on about how I should get extra batteries for the baby swing, look at his new shoes, what can he eat for dinner since I'll be gone. I freaked, but held it in while I was there. I didn't want to blow up at him. But SERIOUSLY?! I can't eat anything in this house, I'm starving, and stressed about figuring out not just what I can eat for dinner tonight, but for breakfast, lunch, and dinner tomorrow and the next day. Oh, and did I mention that we're leaving for a road trip and I can't eat at any restaurant at all, so I will need to pack food for the trip, but not just snacks, but actual meals! But I didn't say any of this, except about the batteries. But he still didn't take the hint as I'm laboring at the table frantically writing down food I want to buy. He's just going on and on about the rest of it. So, I finally left.

While at the grocery store, I realize the diet is totally going to blow our grocery budget for the month. But I try not to focus on that. We have plenty in savings we can use. I'm just stingy. While I'm shopping, I'm on the phone returning more concerned friends and family. I secure one volunteer for him to come help him with the kids one night while I'm radioactive. But by the last few aisles, I'm getting a little panicky because I still haven't really found anything that's a 'meal' or anything that would really travel well. So, I'm imagining what I'm going to eat Thursday night while we're in the car on our way to Iowa. So, I start tearing up at the grocery store. I hold it together. I mean, I'm teary but I'm not actually weeping and the tears stay in my eyes, but I just so badly wanted to sit right down and cry. I *so* want to do a good job of eating right these next two weeks, and I don't want some 'hidden' iodine to get in my system because I was rushing or didn't read the label. I already think that will happen just because it can be anywhere - even in my makeup. How do I know whether or not MAC uses red dye #3?

What set me off was the chicken. Even fresh chicken can be enhanced with chicken broth. And commercial chicken broth contains salt. No telling whether or not its iodized or not, so best not to risk it. So, I searched and searched and searched finally finding some organic chicken breasts that did not say 'broth' anywhere on any label that I could find. They might still have it, but it was the best I could do. But I was still worried about it, and doubting myself and freaking out a little in the meat department. So, I called my SIL who is always supportive. Whined to her, sniffled to her, and mostly just made fun of my real sister who would be packing organic food and sugar snap peas on any given day, but for me, it would be just whatever they had at the convenience store. And I felt better after talking to her, that I could do this, and even if I have to pack a cooler of organic, no-salt-added food, I would be fine. And then I bought some Tylenol PM because I knew there was no way I would sleep last night without it.

Got home, and truthfully, kind of ripped my husband for being so insensitive yet again. He is a wonderful husband, great father, and my best friend. I don't expect him to read my mind, but I asked him to re-read my text message from earlier in the day and explain what I *should* have said to help him understand my mental state since he obviously didn't appreciate the terms "anxious" and "nothing to eat". I'm still kind of pissed. I mean, he skips my diagnosis day. He talks about stupid, insignificant things when its obvious that I'm stressing. And I guess I think he's just being really insensitive, even though I've told him my needs. I don't just pretend like everything's okay, I send him messages or I tell him that I'm freaking out. Meanwhile, he's on the internet looking at cars. So, I asked him to grill up my effin 'organic' chicken while I focused on preparing low-iodine sauces like ketchup, bbq sauce, and oriental sauce. I liked the smell of the ketchup and oriental sauce. But the BBQ sauce, I'm pretty sure that's going in the trash. Anyway, the chicken will be a godsend. I have 8 servings all grilled up, and chicken I can eat cold out of a cooler on the road, as compared to other meats. But I can only have 6 ounces of meat a day, so can't solely rely on that.

Anyway, I finally sat down to dinner at 9:30 last night (normally prefer to eat around 6). I had a salad with a little less than 3 oz. grilled chicken. And then some no-salt peanut butter and jelly spread on some kosher Matzos crackers. Elana has reminded me this will bind me up, so I have written myself a reminder to get out the colace and senna from my c-section. I actually couldn't finish the cracker sandwich, because it was so filling. So, the night ended up on a high note - I could get full on this diet! But all of my organization is going to be required to make this work.

Tonight, I will be making up some more low-iodine recipes for the trip, and packing up our stuff. Our goal is to have the car packed tonight, so we can just jump in and drive off tomorrow after work. It's a 6-hour drive to my brother's in Iowa, so it will be late when we get there.

This morning, I'm enjoying a fruit smoothie for starters, and will follow this up with some oatmeal with cinnamon/sugar/apple. If I'm still hungry, I've packed my kosher crackers. I think I may live on those for the next two weeks! And I also brought some carrots to snack on, as well. I will need to go home at lunch to prepare some sort of salad with my chicken. But I also wanted to go get the scar treatment from my dermatologist's office so I can start working on my 'frankenstein' scar on my neck.

I promise my posts aren't going to stay this long. I just needed to vent about my night. I am going to accept my emotions and feel them. But I also need to function, need to be organized enough to be able to eat during this time. And so, it would not have been helpful to collapse at the store last night. Would also be helpful if DH would take his head out of his ass and perhaps be a bit more attentive so I don't have to reach freak out level. It would be nice if he was attentive and sensitive and supportive, instead of dumb-dee-dumb-dee-dumb which only raises my level of anxiety.

Oncology 101

2009-06-29T22:03:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the middle of the cancer diagnosis, I missed announcing my 200th post. So, a little belated congratulations to me.

It is 12:03pm. My DH is sleeping. My boys are sleeping. I cannot. My mind is racing.

We met the oncologist and his staff today. I'll try to think of everything we learned that you might want to know.

My tumor was 'medium' sized. It was 3.5cm. The oncologist said if it was 1, he'd say small and 6, he'd say large. But even though it was only 'medium' he still kept saying he wanted to test things because of its size, and because it was invasive. So, in the next few weeks he'd like me to see an endocrinologist for an ultrasound study of the neck - to study the lymph nodes; and maybe get a chest x-ray - apparently to check my lungs. Also, becuase of the size, he is more concerned about recurrence with me. That definitely got my attention, so I am glad I will have an endocrinologist monitoring my thyroid function and adjusting my meds. A normal person should have TSH of 2-4. After my treatment, I will need to keep mine at .2 to .4. So instead of being able to accept a phone call that my TSH is 'normal' for life, I will need to ask what the number was so I know that its normal for me. Also, every year I will need to have a thyroglobulin test of less than .5 - if its higher, then I'll know that I have thyroid cells growing somewhere in my body and its time to have another treatment.

They took my blood today to test my TSH. If it is high enough, they will schedule my I-131 (radioactive iodine) treatment for the week of July 13th and I will begin the sucky low iodine diet tomorrow. That will suck for me, because this weekend is the 4th of July when DH and I traverse to MN for our annual celebration with my friends from college. And I will miss all the great food at my friends' parents' homes. But, as DH pointed out so thoughtfully as he was perusing the low iodine cookbook today - beer IS an approved food during this time, so all is not lost. But still sucky.

The worst thing we learned today is that after I come home from my 1-2 night visit in the hospital, that I will have to be >6 feet away from all people, including my babies for about 8 days. So, we have to figure out what we're going to do about that. I'm thinking maybe volunteers to help DH in the evenings from like 6-9. And I'm thinking I will 'live' in the basement during this time. My boss will let me know when she gets back from vacation next week if she wants me to work from home those days, or if she thinks it will be okay for me to work in my office. It's a large enough office, but people can be weird about these things, so I'm letting her make call. She didn't like my first option - which was take the time off without pay (since I'm out of sick or vacation leave until October). That was very kind of her to share up front. And takes some of the stress off.

I can't imagine how hard it will be for me to be lying in my basement while friends and family hang out with my husband upstairs, holding my babies and caring for them while I'm perfectly capable yet poisonous to them. I would really rather not be here, I think, but then again, at least this way I could look at them from across the room or hear my husband's voice. I expect a lot of tears leading up to this, and during those days. Probably need to stock up on Kleenex. I feel bad for DH who got a clunker of a wife. Fool should have bought the extended warranty. Even though I know I didn't ask for cancer and this can't be helped, I will definitely feel like I need to make this up to him somehow. And that's just the 8 days. That doesn't count any days/nights I can't contribute because I'm so freaking tired from the hypothyroidism. Poor DH!

Ok, new topic. This is depressing me.

The oncologist said that I have had great medical care so far, and was familiar with both my OB and surgeon. He said I could have my treatment sooner, because although no surgeon in the world could get 100% of the cells, with my surgeon, there would be very little thyroid left in my body.

So, the goal for now is to get my TSH level high. Normal is 2-4. I need to be above 30 - preferable at 50. Two weeks before that anticipated date, I will start the low iodine diet. 5 days prior I will take lithium, which helps 'glue' the I-131 on my thyroid, and some salivary drug that helps my salivary glands to produce extra saliva to flush them so the I-131 does not stick there. If it did, I could swell up and perhaps suffer permanent dry mouth, and some other negative side effects. The other things I will do to prevent damage there is suck on lemon drops while I'm in the hospital to stimulate the salivary glands and drink water like nobody's business.

Side effects of the lithium include nausea and diarrhea, so I have some nausea medication prescribed as well.

The good news of these prescriptions is I have a coupon for Target for $20 if I fill a prescription there between now and July something. So, I will be buying myself some formula while I'm there ;0 Always the cheapskate!

8 days after the I-131, I will have a full body scan which will tell us if it has spread, and if so, where. And that will be good to know.

Let's see. What else? I think that's about it. Final thought is just that I was so concerned with the appointment for myself, I never thought about sitting in a waiting room with other cancer patients. All of them were older. All of the women were losing their hair and so were wearing scarves or hats, but you could see they were bald. It was sad to think I'm one of them. And yet I feel like a phony. Like I have some 'fake' cancer that isn't real. I will gladly take this 'fake' cancer. I will be delighted to get off easy. But at the same time, I am searching for the right level of concern. Should I ratchet it up and be prepared for the worst? Should I calm it down and stop dropping the 'c' word all the time. Oh this? It's just a little thyroid issue. It's nothing. Really. Struggling with that. And the weepiness that comes and goes.

A colleague who had a cancerous kidney removed 7 years ago stopped by my office today, because my boss had shared the news with him. He teared up for me. Which made me tear up then and does the same now. It's all very humbling. This outpouring of love and concern. I can't even return all the calls in one day, because I want to think of something other than cancer, and some people, well, I'm just not ready to talk. Like my grandfather. And my sister. But I returned a lot of calls today, and I'll get to more tomorrow. And lastly, it kind of pisses me off. Because I feel like I suffered more with our infertility and nobody showed me this much support during that. I understand IF isn't life threatening. But it certainly was all consuming. And threatened the life I wanted and saw for myself. I'll get over it. But I wish I could have had this much support a year ago.

Mother F!

2009-06-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

Are you f'ing kidding me? I just lost my entire post. And it was brilliant! B.R.I.L.L.I.A.N.T. I tell you! I guess it gives me an opportunity to use my new favorite phrase - MOTHER F!!!!!

***

Thank you, whoever posted our bad news on the LFCA. I've only ever been listed one other time - when I got my BFP - so thank you. I really appreciate all the support. You're the best!

Last night, my DH was gone overnight for a work trip for his new job. The boys were mostly good for me. It was a big accomplishment - my first time alone overnight with twins; but also my first night alone in this house E.V.E.R. We've been here 6 1/2 years! Yes, I did lock the door between the garage and house. And yes, I did hide the biggest knife in the house in my nightstand. But otherwise, all was well.

The boys both slept through the night, waking at 5:30am for a bottle - Will's 3rd night in a row sleeping through the night! Jack's umpteenth. Will went right back to sleep. Jack went back to bed, but let me eavesdrop on his coo's and ahh's for the next 90 minutes. How lucky am I?!

***

My friend J was diagnosed with thyroid cancer last year on 6/16/08, and raised $3900 for the Race for the Cure on 6/20/09 which was one year and 4 days later for her. I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer just two days later. She is fully okay now. I need her to help me through this, and I need to remind myself of her story until mine is resolved.

***

I really wish I could remember what else I had to tell you all, but it escapes me now. I guess I'll just give you a few new pics. I have SO much to live for!

Little Will - nap time

Big Jack aka The Dude

More Cancer Talk. Less Melodrama.

2009-06-23T19:08:00.000-07:00

Feeling better today.

The more I say the words, the less they have control over me.

I have cancer.

Thyroid cancer.

But no thyroid.

Here's what I do know. I have my 'thyroid ablation consultation' with the oncologist on Monday. It will have 45 minutes for him to tell me his 'plan of attack' and for me to ask my questions.

At some point, I will have radioactive iodine treatment, which is administered at the hospital, they keep you there until the radiation reaches a safe level and your bodily fluids when excreted for 'flushed' would not harm the public or loved ones. To prepare for this, I need to go without a thyroid for about 6 weeks. During that time, the thyroid hormone in my body will dissipate and I will become more and more tired and grumpy. The last two weeks of this, I will be on a low iodine diet, which will starve the thyroid cells in my body so when the radioactive iodine is administered, the thirsty cells will soak up all the poisoned iodine. And then they will die.

At some point, I will have blood work and a full body scan to determine where else the cancer may have spread. And that is what scares me the most.

Lots of tears. Lots of weeping. Lots of hugging my boys. I was mostly fine today. Thank you for all of your well wishes. They mean the world to me, from you, the ladies who have supported me through so much already. I'm so lucky to have you.

Please pray the cancer has not spread and that the radioactive iodine will kill whatever remains of my thyroid cells.

2009-06-22T14:42:00.001-07:00

I have cancer.

Bits and Pieces

2009-06-17T12:54:00.000-07:00

Irony
Last night, while sitting in the Walgreens parking lot with the boys while DH went inside to pick up a prescription, I found myself seated next to another idling vehicle. Inside was what at first appeared to be a large bearded man in a local grocery store uniform. But then, I noticed the pony tail and breasts. It was indeed a bearded lady. She was smoking and talking to the driver in her vehicle, apparently waiting like me.

Waiting patiently for DH, I let my mind wander to how unfortunate it must be, how I would make laser hair removal a big budget priority if I had this affliction, etc. etc. etc. Finally, my mind wandered elsewhere. However, a few minutes later, I looked over, and the driver of the vehicle had leaned forward...\and the driver was PLUCKING HER EYEBROWS. Ironic, huh?

Text Messages
My SIL and I's pregnancies overlapped, so we were always calling and texting each other with our daily food report - confessing how much and what variety of fattening foods we had just consumed. I had the boys two months ago, she had her little girl last Thursday. Earlier this week, we had the following exchange:

A to SIL: We probably shouldn't do this since we're not pregnancy anymore, but I just ate the most delicious and fatty cheeseburger at McD's.

SIL to A: I'm jealous.

A to SIL: I'm fat.

Me
The weight which had dropped off on its own before (was up to about 230 on d-day), has now plateaued and I am hovering around 180 which is to me is still like 50 pounds overweight for my 5'4" frame, but only about 13 pounds heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight (thank you, fertility treatments!). And my body has changed shape. I definitely have a FUPA. So gross! I eat frozen diet entrees for lunch, but eat whatever I want for dinner and don't exercise, and am aghast when the scale stays the same. MUST.CHANGE.SOMETHING.

Twins
The boys had their 2-month appointment last week. Both weigh around 11 pounds. Both are smiling and cooing. Both are sleeping through the night. We are so blessed!

DH
My DH started his new job yesterday. He went ZERO days unemployed, which I think is absolutely amazing, given the economy. He took a cut in pay, but gets a straight 8-5, M-F job so he can have a family and friends. I get to have the marriage I signed up for.

Thyroid
My follow up appointment is next Monday, 6/22. I will get my pathology report then. I still have not crashed. And am still hoping the hormone replacement therapy will help me with the topic discussed under Me.